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Isn't this how you eat a cheeseburger? You sit on a stoop, hike up your dress, spread your legs and devour that thing like it was a 9" dick. Just like a dick, that cheeseburger won't tell you it loves you, won't fucking touch your ass afterwards and won't even thinking of calling you the next day. Look, it even busted one on her leg and didn't apologize or give her a baby wipe.

But on a serious note, hot bitches like this don't eat that shit! Padma is faking it. Hardee's is not catering to their demographic. This should be an obese construction worker, sitting on the sidewalk with sauce dripping all over his left moob which is poking out of his overalls. Way sexier.

Only a crackhead would sneak into a bitch's car thinking they'll never get caught. But if you are a crackhead and you can't fight the urge to do that, then you might as well sneak into Kate Moss' car, because you know that bitch has mountains of the fairy powder all over the place.

That's probably what some crazy ass ho was thinking when she slid into Kate's car last night. The always fucked up Kate didn't even notice, probably because she had some of that coke dust in her eyes, and sat right on the loon! The loon let out a screech and her cover was blown! Kate got up, security grabbed the crazy and threw her out. FOILED! The lunatic's dream of snorting one of Kate's coke boogers was shattered.

And is Kate looking a little knocked up in the belly area? Or maybe those 6 ear piercings that are visiting from 1992 are making her look fat.

Adnan Ghalib is that roach in your house that just won't die. You drop a roach motel on it, you shoot it with a gun, you play a Heidi Montag song for it and it still won't just die! It keeps coming back and that's what Adnan is doing. Just when I was staring to be able to look at a velcro strip without thinking of that skeezer, he's back. And Brit Brit takes 100% of the blame for this, because apparently she's still sending him text messages. Adnan can't reply, because if he texts back, he'll be biting a bar of soap while his ass gets torn to pieces in the clink.

A source tells The Sun that Brit desperately wants him to show her a little love back, “She keeps sneaking messages to Adnan begging him to help her win back her freedom. She says she is lonely and misses being able to date the men she chooses. She feels trapped. She has been begging him to meet her and help her come up with a plan to get out of her dad’s conservatorship. Some messages have got back to her via her hairdressers and style team - but Adnan cannot contact her otherwise he will face jail.”

Maybe this is Daddy Spears at work and he's trying to trap Adnan into replying, so he can send his skanky ass to jail? Operation Wax The Strip! Yeah, probably not. Brit Brit is totally stripmatized and it needs to stop. His face: I'm sick of looking at it.

It's kind of shitty for her since Daddy Spears has her chained up. She can't get over a bitch the way we all do: go out, get boozed, pass that ass around and then cry our shame away in the shower. Seriously, getting dicked in large quantities really does work wonders.

There's enough grease on RiRi's hair and face to keep my donut hole lubed up for years - Just Jared

Ryan Gosling's green nipples - Popsugar

Some hot piece is living in a store in Milan for all to see - Towleroad

Ring ring! Hi, Ceiling Eyes, it's me. Please go jump in a hole! Click! - Egotastic!

Two useless pieces of dried peen skin in Australia - Popsugar

For our sake, I hope Pamela Anderson is taking COVER THAT SHIT UP 101 - Hollywood Rag

Jewel's broken knee matches her broken teefs - Hollywood Tuna

Beyonce's road of delusion is 19 million miles long - Lainey Gossip

Some dumb ho teaches all of us about the science of rockets (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Photoshop master works - Cityrag

The COCKSby Show - Videogum

You know how there's a trillion pictures on the internet of passed out drunk whores whose friends think it will be really hilarious to graffiti all over their face and shit? Well, that's what Simon Cowell did to Paula Abdul on American Idol last night. Only her eyes were open. Yeah, she keeps 'em open whenever she passes out in a Vicodin haze. The Idol producers hired a professional to teach her how to do that, so nobody would know when she blacked out.

Simon brought out the Sharpie during Motown night, which always feels like I'm watching a 2-hour long commercial. Most of the songs should only be played during the couple's reunion on Wife Swap.

But some of the whore's made the best of it. Like that little tub of Manic Panic Allison Iraheta. Personally, I thought she gave the best performance of the night, but I'm afraid that she's going to be the star of one of those "OMGSOSHOCKINGWHAT" eliminations coming up. I just want to take her scratchy voice and use it to smooth out the acne on Adam Lambert's face. Adam should get her to sing a Janis Joplin song, so she could hit 60 on the grit-scale and sandblast those pimples right off his mug.

Speaking of Adam Laaaaambert the big gay lion, he nailed his K.D. Lang impersonation last night. He does K.D. better than she does herself (not like that). In fact, K.D. should quit whatever the hell she's doing, move to Las Vegas and become an Adam Lambert impersonator. Second career calling!

I'm always on the dildo with Adam. Just when I start to sort-of like what he's doing, the judges have to barf up all the gallons of jizz their body created while watching him perform. They need to calm down. They are making me not like him. Yes, his unicorn on helium voice is good sometimes, but the judges all want to shove themselves up his asshole, so that he can give birth to them. They should all run away together and just give Allison the fucking trophy. Also, I took a good look at his face last night and all I saw was a Max Factor factory.

As for who will be killed off tonight, I think it's down to three little whores:

Megan Joy Dorkey - For once in my life I wanted my TV to kill itself. I'm re-watching her shit right now and my dog cannot take his eyes off the screen. I think he's pulling a STAINS and is trying to use his eye powers to make her fucking stop! I like her voice, but she keeps singing all these Hallmark card songs. This bitch just doesn't get it and for that, she needs to go be pretty somewhere else.

Michael Sarver - Why is he still here? Why are we being forced to sleep through his performances?

Scott MacIntyre - Scott is sweet. And his pink pants were sweeter, but fuck he's as boring as lukewarm vegetable broth! When I say that I sleep through Sarver's performances, I fall into a coma when Scott comes on.

My final guess is that Michael Sarver will be banished from the world tonight.

Question? When an Ooma Loompa ripens into a pepaw does his orange face turn red? Because that's what Nick Nolte is giving me here. He's also giving me the hots in the face. Oh how I want to take him by the hand and lead him to a giant bowl of ice and slowly stick his face in it. This is a face only a fire extinguisher could love.

Maybe there's a good explanation for this. Maybe he's trying to make extra money by being a guinea pig for Blohan's new line of spray tan? He's almost the exact shade of a Lohan.

Vadge will pull the broomstick out of her ass, hop on it and fly all the way to Malawi this weekend to get herself another one of those baby things. You know, so she can have a matching set.

An official bitch in the welfare department of Malawi confirmed that Vadge has submitted her big bag of money, I mean, her application to adopt another kid. Vadge's case could be heard as soon as this Monday.

The story going around the internet is that Vadge sent one of her slaves to Malawi to look at the goods and pick out the shiniest one before her arrival.

Oh, Vadge! Her days are already filled important shit like bathing her face in ice cold blended placentas and bench pressing Baby Jesus with her roid-lips, so how on earth is she going to find the time to raise another child? Oh yea, she's going to use a little thing called an army of tortured nannies!

VIA The Sun

If you're one of Blohan's "sicko fans" then you will pleased to know that you don't have to go far to see her next masterpiece. Fuck, you don't even have to get your fat ass off the sofa, because it will be beamed directly to your TV. Blohan's Labor Pains will make its debut on basic cable! One step closer to selling hand jobs at the Bunny Ranch in Nevada!

The production company told UsWeekly that it will show on ABC Family in July. A month later, it will be thrown into a 50% off discount bin at the 99 Cent Store.

Blohan's response: "YOU SICKO FANS ARE RUINING MY LIIIIFEEEEE!" Stick a meth pipe in it!

Since Blohan is about to become the Meryl Streep of the cable TV movie circuit, I think it's about time she ring up her old friend Ty Ty Banks and propose a sequel to the masterpiece shit show known as LIFE SIZE. Blohan's cracked out soul needs Ty Ty to serenade her with the uplifting anthem "Be A Star." That will make everything okay again. The clip is below and no, Ty Ty is not synching with her lips. She's got natural talent! It's also strange to see lil' Lohan before the meth bugs ate her face.

While Pete Wentz is out partying, chugging his own piss and doing douche bag stuff, Asshole Simpson is sitting at home alone with Bronx Mowgli giving her major bitchface. He's still not over that NOT FUNNY name. Because Asshole only has Bronx's evil eye to keep her warm at night, she's fucking pissed that her twatardian husband is out living it up.

A source told Page Six that there's trouble in doucheland, "Ashlee and Pete are on the rocks. He is going out all the time and she's stuck at home. It's just not working." Of course, their spokesbitch denies this.

I agree that it's not working. You know what else isn't working? Them being parents. They already failed the first test with the name. So everyone should just go their separate ways. Asshole can crawl back under Papa Joe's sweaty ballsack. Pete can grab his dildo and retire to the Hot Topic storage shelf that has had his name on it for years. And Bronx Mowgli can swing into the jungle where the wolves and Baloo are waiting to raise him.

Put a Spongebob on it! Sasha Fierce's "so different and edgy" tour costumes - ONTD

We've got ourselves a new Captain Obvious! - Celebitchy

Hopefully the elephant will smell all the nuts in Jacko's head and snort him up whole - ICYDK

I wish someone would use the erase tool on Kim Kardassian - I'm Not Obsessed

Baz Luhrmann needs to take a nap - Socialite Life

Positively SHIT - Star Jones' Blog

It's touching to know that Brit Brit is still full of the crazy - Holy Moly!

Ryan Reynolds wants to do Robert Pattinson - Popeater

Divorce Beach: Marg Helgenberger's marriage is over - SOW