Did The Farrelly Brothers spend a weekend freebasing the wrong shit in a Tijuana motel room while casting The Three Stooges movie?! Because I'm trying to wrap all my body parts around this mess and it's still not computing. Control + Alt + Try again. I mean, Sean Penn as Larry, Benicio Del Toro as Moe and Jim Carrey as Curly? It looks like we've got all the ingredients for a big fat bowl of FAIL.
I could kind of see this if it was going to be some kind of dramatic biopic about their lives, but Variety says it's all comedy. The Farrelly Brothers will start shooting this when they finish the soon-to-be epic masterpiece Walter the Farting Dog with the Jonas Brothers. Fuck, the farting dog and two of the Jonas twinks would make more sense as The Three Stooges.
Jim Carrey will leave his fat suit in the car, because he's planning on adding 40 pounds of 100% chunk to his body before filming. He should just follow Kirstie Alley around for a couple of days. Kristie has Bisquick batter coming out of her shower head. He'd be Fat Fuck Jim in no time.
Does Sean even have the funny in his system anymore? I think the coke particles desecrated that shit a while ago.
I hope that in the new version, Moe is just getting back from a decade long sabbatical where he somehow magically turned into a Puerto Rican dude with permanent hangover face.
And you know Blohan is fuming over this! This is the project Sean promised they would do with Seth Rogen. Again, those three twats would make more sense than this cast.
When Karina Smirnoff Ice came prancing out on Dancing with the Has-Beens last night with a head full of disco curls, I immediately got flashes of Gina Montana, the second hottest bitch in Scarface (next to The Pfeiff, of course).
The fact that Karina didn't scream "If I wanna fuck 'em, Tony, then I'll fuck 'em!" halfway through her number was kind of illegal. If you're going to take on hair like that, you have to own it. Lots of shoulder thrusting, lots of coke snorting and a ton of shouting. And you have to do all of that with a gun in your hand and your body draped in either sequins or satin. Karina needs to hit up Blockbuster (or did that shit go out of business yet?), study that shit and try again.
Here's Karina with that sexy beast known as Maksim at some TV Guide party last night along with some other whores. If you give an eff, they are in order: Simon Baker, Eva Longwhoria, my future no-no tickler, that slut Kelly Taylor, Christina Hendricks, busted teef lady and Roidy McRoidlips.
Natalie Portman has finally brushed the whole Little Miss Ivy League Do-Gooder Sunshine act into the gutter and has stepped into the most important chapter of her life: THE SLUT YEARS. Or what I like to call The Golden Shower Years. And Natalie have been made by one of the biggest manwhores of our time: Sean Penn.
Star Magazine says that after having dinner at Sunset Tower Hotel's Tower Bar on March 17th, the two were caught sucking on each other's tongues by the elevators after disappearing for 45-minutes. A nosy whore said, "They went to a bank of elevators that only goes to the spa or to private rooms. They came back about 45 minutes later, and that's when I saw them making out. There's a door outside of the hotel's Tower Bar that has a bridge to the terrace, so it's semi-private. I used that path to get to the restroom, and when I came back, I had to go through some curtains — and that's when I interrupted Sean and Natalie! When they saw me, they were startled and quickly composed themselves."
Natalie's vagina was in professional hands, but for her sake, I hope she covered it in a Hazmat tarp and ten gallons of Purell, because we all know where Sean's peen has been. Shit, if I was Natalie, I'd keep a naked mole rat by my side so it could eat the crotch maggots as they fell out of Sean's peen area. The dude is a back alley kind of slut. It's better to be safe than itchy.
If Natalie did all that, she'll be fine. I just hope she fucked the peen, walked away and erased his digits.
I also hope Robin Wright Penn is either a) spending all of Sean's cash on stupid shit or b) peddling that pussy to every young piece of hot meat in Hollywood.
But I felt a little while watching the first trailer for Spike Jonze's Where The Wild Things Are. It kind of feels like I ate bad oysters. Hopefully if I stick a TUMS up my ass the feeling will go away.
I think it's the Arcade Fire song and all that fur basking in the hipstery morning light. I'm so fucking easy. I mean, CGI monsters crying actually gets to me! Ugh. I just bent over and let this trailer have its way with me. But instead of doing me in the ass with loogies instead of lube, it hugged me tight. That's gross.
And now I finally know what Tammie Brown meant when she said, "I don't see you out there walking children in nature."
Note to self: Doing yourself on an airplane can get you into trouble. T-girl Elvis Crespo learned the hard way - Guanabee
Carmen Electra bares her wonky plastic sacks in Maxim Mexico - Egotastic!
How big is your Twitter dick (I'm not talking about John Mayer)? - Scandalist
Arthritis is cute! - Jezebel
Jim Carrey is a star at faking gay sex - Towleroad
Camilla Belle dumped Joe Jonas for an overcooked sweet potato - Lainey Gossip
Anna Faris joins the No Pants, Crotch Out Club - Hollywood Tuna
Nick Cannon is going to shave off his dick bush as a gift to Mimi for her 39th birthday - Hollywood Rag
Roger Federer flashes his furry boobies - Just Jared
Adrian Grenier must be wearing some thick ass vodka goggles (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather
It's always feels good to get flipped off by a baby - Cityrag
Pharrell Williams glided into a McDonald's at an airport in Paris and begged them to serve him some deliciousness by breaking into a gay ass song and dance number. The employees didn't think it was cute and they weren't entertained. They told him they would serve him breakfast instead, but Pharrell wasn't didn't want that, so he leaped into an ode to Filet O' Fish.
The real star of this shit is the bitch stirring her coffee. That bitch doesn't give a fuck! She's making minimum wage and Pharrell wants her to go out of her damn way to please him?! NOT TODAY. A chorus of flying bunny rabbits could have popped out of his ass and she still wouldn't have been impressed. She finally quits that bitch leaving Pharrell without a Le Big Mac in his mouth. He got a Le NOTHING.
Pharrell should know that a bunch of cutesy dance moves won't cut it. He needed to make a pile of $100 bills prance above her head. Come on, Pharrell.
Bruce Willis married baby model Emma Hemming this past weekend in the Turks & Caicos and it sounds like their romance was taken from a page out of Tommy Girl's handbook. Bruce's whores are saying the two met through friends, but Page Six says they hooked up the Hollywood way: on a casting couch!
While casting hos for the movie Perfect Stranger (Bruce played Larry, Halle Berry played Balki), Bruce insisted he go through all the head shots and even sit in during cattle calls. Some source, who was part of casting for the shit show, says Bruce was looking for young pussay! They said, "He personally went through head shots and when the girls were called in to 'read,' he was there in the meeting. It was odd for the star of a movie to do so, but at the time he was single and I guess he needed a date."
From the call, Bruce met Tamara Feldman, who also got a part in the movie. A little while later, Emma was cast in a small role and Bruce started hitting that as well. In the end, Tamara got cut and Emma won the biggest role of all: his wife!
Bruce probably got sick and tired of seeing Demi Moore parade her little whore in front of his face, so he decided to get his own piece. And Emma plopped her vag onto the right casting couch.
This makes me think of Sarah Larson's stupid skank ass. This could have been her! Emma learned from Sarah's mistakes.. Once she landed Bruce, she shut her yap, didn't try to become famous herself and it paid off. When life throws a rich motherfucker in your lap, you seize the opportunity and suck that bitch all the way to the altar.
This video from 1993 by Neil Goldberg features a million gay dudes brushing their cats while saying "She's a talker." This is my future. In ten years, I'll be sitting on my fur-covered futon, with my hair parted in the middle, a tank top on my body and a hairy pussy in my lap. I'll brush her and say that line over and over again. But when I say it, I'll mean it, because I would have officially lost it and truly believe my cat was talking too much. Yup, that's what most of my life is going to look like. Hey, what's my future is Aniston's present!
And whores don't only do this with cats. They do this with babies too! They love to say this shit whenever their baby cries or makes some kind of coo sound. I've witnessed this a million times. I'm still waiting for the day a baby answers back with, "Shut the fuck up! I wasn't talking, you dumb bitch!'
What has become of my beloved Prince Hot Ginge? Is he skankmatized? Why else would he cover up his glorious field of flames in order to party with that busted saffron-colored tramp Chelsy Davy! The Daily Mail says that after 2 beautiful months apart, Chelsy is once again risking third-degree burns by riding Hot Ginge's firerod. Noooooooooooo!!! A
On Friday night, Hot Ginge and Chelsy got gross in front of everyone at a party in South London. What's even more hurtful is that Hot Ginge wore a Kim Zolciak-approved busted wig so that he wouldn't be recognized. And it worked. Some source-type said, "It's a bit of an anything goes sort of place - but the fact that people kept on going up to Chelsy to ask about Harry with him standing right next to her was absolutely hilarious. Unbelievably, though, they just didn't notice him at all."
That's because they were on massive amounts of drugs and the crack bugs fed on their brains. Prince Hot Ginge could cover it up with a Woz and I'd still smell the flames from miles away. I'm shocked the wig didn't explode, because it couldn't contain the ginge. You can't stop the ginge!
As for Chelsy, I'm sure she's a lovely girl who spends her free time nursing orphan puppies, but she's playing with fire! Bitch better keep the fire department on notice, because one day Hot Ginge's Firestarter dick is going to burn her ass! She can't handle it. Only a bitch like me could fuck with that shit. I'm already used to feeling an intense burning sensation in my ass.
The robot call girl got fucking owned by the cuddly teddy bear with a Segway fetish! Last night on Dancing with the Ambien Pills, Charlie Sheen's least favorite pussy merchant of all-time was sent back to the ho factory. The Woz wasn't even in the bottom 2. Hugh Hefner's former wet nurse Holly Madison joined Denise as the two losers of the night.
It makes sense since both Holly and Denise dance like two erect dicks! I know Denise probably isn't at home on a stage unless her poon is pressed up against a pole and a dollar is stuffed into her crack, but she didn't even try. I've really seen vibrators with more rhythm! She must suck dick better than she dances otherwise she wouldn't have much of a career. Her creepy child beauty pageant smile didn't help. Even Swan Brooner was telling her to tone that shit down. Denise really should have done her Jesus Dance from Drop Dead Gorgeous instead. That would have been worth a vote.
That being said, Holly was worse. I know licking on Hef's cornmeal peen for all those years left her in a scarred state, but she could have asked somebody to bring her back to life with a defibrillator, because bitch had the moves of a corpse. Her number is coming up....
But The Woz's never will! He got a total of 10 from the judges and he still had enough viewer votes to stay on. The power of THE WOZ! He's the only bitch I can watch without having to keep my eyes open with my fingers. That Dollar Tree discount bin trophy will be his! Well, unless Karina Smirnoff Ice teams up with CHERYL BURKE and casts another evil spell on The Woz.
Karina is up and over it. One day the camera is really going to fully catch her eye roll. But I hope The Woz rolls over her ass before then. You can't keep The Woz down! My phone will cast a vote for his furry nalgas every week.