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Important shit first. Is that a Capri Sun she's sucking on or some kind of new Hollywood drug I don't know about. Or both? Okay, now to Blohan spewing chunks of delusion in an interview with Nylon.

As you know, this bitch isn't working. And you know the saying, "you can't even get arrested in this town"? Well, it's true for this whore! She had a warrant out on her and they still wouldn't fucking arrest her ass! That's low.

Blohan's peddling leggings and caca grease for your skin, but other than that, the skanktardian has nothing else going. This is starting to scare her. She told the magazine, "It's scary when you realize, 'Oh my God, I'm not working. And I have a house to pay for now.'… and there's been some things I've really wanted to do. Like the one movie I've wanted to do for so long is Alice in Wonderland [directed by Tim Burton]. But, um, that didn't work out… it is what it is."

I wasn't aware that there was an orange-colored gutter crackhead in Alice in Wonderland?

But Blohan is trying to make things happen. Like she's had real-life meetings with Sean Penn and they want to do a movie with Seth Rogen! Blohan explained, "One is Sean Penn -- I spoke to him the other day. We're trying to get Seth Rogen for this project, but Seth won't call us back. So call us back, Seth, if you're reading this!"

Blo, when Sean was doing lines off of your raggedy cooter lips while you were watching Pineapple Express and promised to put you in a movie with Seth Rogen when you said you've always wanted to do acting stuff with him, he didn't mean it for real.

Okay, it sounds to me like Blohan has two options: a) give birth to nine babies or b) get really fat and move to Britain. On second thought, I think the answer to all her problems is in her nose! Bitch just has to sneeze into a Hefty bag, sell it back to her dealer and then retire!

VIA UsWeekly

THAT'S SOME BENJAMIN BUTTON'S SHIT!!!! And yes it fucking is. This stupid ass Mary-Kate Olsen troll is trying to look as elderly as possible when she should be dressing all slutty while she can get away with it. Bitch probably smells like moth balls, cat piss and White Shoulders dusting powder. Her pockets are probably filled with caramel square wrappers. You really just want to help her memaw ass across the street. She'll thank you by giving you a nickle. She'll also call you "Daniel" even though you've told her your name is Michael. Seriously, old ass bitches are always calling me Daniel!

Here's Granny Olsen shuffling into a car in NYC earlier today. Granny forgot her cane!

This married, aging, Academy Award winning/nominated actor who is probably C list if you look at what he does now, but would probably only ever appear above the title, has had a 15 year habit that is finally beginning to surface. It seems that our married star enjoys certain sexual acts that are certainly not what one would call normal. Always with a woman, but they involve him being on the receiving end of, how can I put this delicately. I really can’t. Let’s just say he enjoys showers that really don’t involve water coming out of a pipe. He also enjoys toys being used on him. Anyway, enough of the sordid aspects. It seems that for the past 15 years our actor has used the same professional who was the model of discretion. She retired at the end of the year, and since then our actor has tried out the services of three or four other professionals who don’t have that same level of discretion and have been blabbing all over town about our actor’s crazy fetishes. (CDAN)

So basically, who likes piss in the teeth? My guesses are Chazz Palminteri, Tim Roth or Willem Dafoe? Willem looks like a kinky fuck. And 15 years with the same whore is dedication! I thought the point was to pay 'em, so you don't have to ever see their asses again!

Which engaged young couple shocked an entire film crew when they were caught having sex on set? (Gatecrasher)

Rachel Bilson and Hayden Christensen?

Which reality show newbie is furious at the producers of her show? She agreed to do the show because she was told that it would substantially boost her own music career. However, the producers are only allowing little one-line snippets of her music to be used here and there, and finding plenty of excuses as to why they can’t use an entire song on the show. (Blind Gossip)

Kara DiaBlowMe from American Idol?

This supposedly-straight blonde actor on a hit network comedy was certainly acting anything but lady-oriented at a St. Patty’s Day celebration at one of WeHo’s most notorious gay clubs. He was downing beer and male dance partners at an alarming rate. (Buzz Foto)

Why did I picture Randy from My Name is Earl dancing without a shirt and with his hands up in the air? My guess is David Spade, though.

Nicole Richie does her best Lady CaCa impersonation in Blackbook, but she's missing a very important element to perfect the look: a totally busted ass face! - Popsugar

Tupac lives! (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Remember Criss Judd? Yeah, me neither - Lainey Gossip

In Cougartown, the old bitches can't dress for shit - Hollywood Tuna

The Silver Fox is just being modest. He just knows that if he wriggles it, no-nos will explode - Towleroad

Thom Yorke goes topless in Rio - Just Jared

Blohan is in Nylon Magazine for absolutely no damn reason - Egotastic!

Natasha Ellie is the latest bitch who supposedly sent Chris Brown that novel-long text message - Hollywood Rag

Fuck that bitch Stacy London! Go Whoopie! - Popeater

Chipmunk in shorty shorts - Popoholic

Sex doll jackets - Cityrag

Kate Moss isn't going to let a pesky thing called "having a child at home" get in the way of her partying until the early morning hours all week. If momma doesn't get her pussy drunk, she's not happy.

The Sun says Kate partied like a Moss for the fourth night in a row yesterday with Count Von Count. Kate didn't roll up into her house until after 4 in the morning. And about halfway through her night, bitch changed outfits, because her first one probably got a little dusty with coke particles.

Don't worry about Kate's little girl! Children can take care of themselves these days. Just plop them in front of the TV, give them an empty Jack Daniels bottle to play with and a Goo Goo Cluster to eat for dinner. Hey, it has nuts and that's protein!

Camerooooooooooon! Thanks to RuPaul and Bebe Zahara Benet, "Camerooooon" is my favorite thing to sing all day and night. Whenever it rolls off my tongue, I instantly think of a macaroon instead which makes me hungry, which leads me to the kitchen, which makes search for something resembling a macaroon, which causes me to settle for a handful of dried coconut flakes instead. For a second I'm distracted by the coconut flakes, but then my mind immediately wants my mouth to say "Camerooooooon" again. Repeat.

Anyway, the First Lady of Camerooooon, Chantal Biya, brought her beauty out today to say farewell to Pope Eggs Benedict who was visiting her country.

The lions must bow down and weep at their own averageness every time they come into contact with Chantal Biya's luscious mane. Not to mention her glorious eyebrows that artists spend decades trying to recreate in paintings. Exquisiteness.

And in the first thumbnail below, how many people do you think it took to get Chantal up after she bowed to the Pope?

Rosie O'Donnell looks so cushy stuffed into her plastic vagina mitts from Hell. Hopefully, that pair she's wearing isn't covered into much toe jelly, because that shit might have to last her a while. You see, the heavens opened up and the angels have sung. The destructive eyeball killers who have brought so much fugness to this planet might be sent back to the fiery depths of Hell where they were born. Women's Wear Daily says the company is in trouble.

CROCS released a report by the accounting firm Deloitte & Touche LLP that states they're in danger, girl. Their stock is down 19 percent and last February, they reported a loss of $183.6 million. The year before, they posted a profit of $168.2, so the company isn't doing well. They replaced their CEO and cut costs in hopes that they are able to swim out of the red this year.

Run to the mirror, smile wide and then cackle like CHERYL BURKE about to cast a black magic spell on of her contestants. That is my face right now.

But seriously, I don't want a shit load of whores to lose their jobs, so I have an idea. Obviously, the people of the world have stepped out of the fug cloud and decided they no longer want to degrade their feet with that trash, so CROCS has to change things up. They already have all that plastic, so the obvious move is to get into the DILDO business! All they have to do is drop the R and there's their new company name!

IN THIS ECONOMY, almost everyone is getting fucked, so we might as well get fucked with a bright, shiny rod of plastic.

Here's CROCS (not cocs) lover Rosie with Kathy Griffin and Gloria Estefan in Miami yesterday.

Saturday Night Live can easily air this commercial for Fornarina starring Blohan AS IS. They don't need to add anything else for more laughs. It's all there. If a junior college film major tried to make an avante-garde video homage to JEM! and failed in a massive way, this is what it would look like.

For the rest of the day, I'm going to walk around, point at random things and say shit like, "Smash. Crash. Glam. Pink."

And here's some pictures of the Crack. Head. Crazy. Ho. looking like she needs an IV drip and some Jello while leaving a medical clinic in Beverly Hills the other day.

There's no way Zac Efron is going to fuck with the pretty (or his manicure) by pumping gas. Zac is way too fragile and pristine for that business, so he forced his main homegirl Vanessa Hudgens to get her ass out of the car to fill up her own hole. Something tells me she's used to sticking foreign objects into a gassy hole. And Zac just smiles.

Zac should try it sometime. Pumping gas that is. When I lived in L.A., one of my favorite things to do was to stick it in, stand back and just inhale the fumes.... This is explains why I only have half a brain cell that you have to hit to get working.

This gorgeous welfare family from Britain wants more money, because they say they are too fucking fat to work! So basically, if you don't want to work, pop out 8 babies or layer on the chunk - Telegraph

Fuck the LeAnn Rimes cheating tape, somebody needs to get the footage of Tom Sizemore stealing cell phones at a Verizon store - Popeater

Aw. Papa Joe is jealous - I'm Not Obsessed

There's no more single Conchords in the world - Stuff NZ

The Pussy is Right: Bob Barker almost fucked on camera - National Enquirer

Reese Witherspoon presents a giant, moldy, corroded crotch berry - ONTD

T.R. Knight was in a car crash. I blame HAGel - Socialite Life

Hannah Montana will kill your children - Celebslam

If they told the seniors at UCLA James Franco will give the speech shirtless, this wouldn't be happening - Videogum

Fred Durst still exists and is still talking about fucking Brit Brit's possum pie - ICYDK