Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller now have themselves a pair of prostitute tranny babies (Denise Richards words, not mine)!! The two twin boys came out kicking and screaming (I'm assuming, since Charlie is their dad) yesterday in Los Angeles.
UsWeekly says they named the boys Bob and Max. Bob and Max. Max and...BOB. BOB the baby!
Okay, I can co-sign the name Max, because almost everybody loves a Max! But Bob?! Not even a Robert. Just a Bob. It sounds like the name of a bald accountant with sweaty pits who spends his weekends at his timeshare in Florida and has a wife named Ethel who loves to make pineapple upside cake on Sundays. Bob Sheen is going to have a weird obsession with polo shirts in every color, be really good at golf and always smell like Gold Bond mixed with Old Spice. That's my guess. That being said, Bob is a trillion times better than a Bronx Mowgli.
And I'm expecting Charlie, Brooke, Bob and Max to be sitting front row at Dancing with the Has-Beens this week to cheer on Auntie Denise Richards! Speaking of, do you hear a crazed banshee screaming the word "cunts" over and over again? Denise must have just found out the happy news.
P.S. - Start your clocks now. Charlie will be on to his next trick in two seconds flats. Kids cramp his whore style.
An anonymous ho has been sending around screen caps from Blohan's supposed secret Twitter account, sevinnyne (SamRo's is jackdaniels9). The anonymous ho says that yesterday morning, after partying until 4:30am, Blohan had a Tweeter freak out until 8 in the morning. She must have stepped out of the hazy white cloud for a quick minute, because she deleted all these messages, but the anonymous ho managed to screen cap them before she did.
Anonymous Ho added that some of them have been cropped, but one of her crazier ones reads in full: "should you end it if the one person in the world fails to love, hold/comfort, apologize, and CHERISH you the night before jail? LIARS R COWARDS cuz they don't know what they got til it is far gone. and people-if you fucking love someone. PUT UR PRIDE A-fucking-SIDE AND JUST LOVE THEM BACK! do not ever dj before calling if they ARE FUCKING ABOUT TO GET ARRESTED FOR CHASING YOU TO MAKE YOU STAY"
It's like a Courtney Love blog mated with a Kanye West blog rant. If you put your nose up to the screen and snort really hard, you might get a little buzz.
But I want to know how she's able to Twitter shit that's longer than 250 characters?! I always want to drown myself in a crack pipe whenever Twitter cuts my ass off at 250! Blohan must have the secret.
My favorite line in all of this has to be "la needs better restaurants." Through all the amazing craziness she has a fucking moment of clarity. Although, L.A. does have In-N-Out and Claim Jumper, so all is not lost.
Below are the caps from Blohan's alleged leaked Twitter. And if you want to see a cap of her leaky twatter, (NSFL) click here.
Justin Long and Drew Barrymore might be two boring unsalted peas in a pod again. Life & Style says The Mac Dude and Lispy went out on two dates in Los Angeles this past week after breaking up almost 8 months ago.
One nosy ass whore spotted the two acting all cuddly-like at Bar Marmont this past Thursday, “They couldn’t get enough of each other. I don’t think they even noticed that there were other people in the room! In between kisses it was all smiles and laughs.”
And the next night, the microwaved pieces of jicama were rubbing each other over dead fish at Ike in Hollywood, "They sat at the sushi bar and ordered Sake and dinner. They were both in a great mood. They were smiling ear to ear the whole time, and laughing and looking they were so happy they were going to burst.”
The last time I checked in with Lispy, she was riding the Jason Segel pony. And Justin Long was bumping it with Ginnifer Goodwin. I think. Or maybe Drew was chomping on Ginnifer and Jason Segel was getting a little bit of The Long? And I'm sure Cameron Diaz and Kate Hudson fit in there somewhere. They always do.
These boring whores of Hollywood always leave me so confuseded. It's like one big steamed vegetable key party. In related news, I don't remember the last time I ate a vegetable that wasn't fried or covered in melted cheese or mayonnaise. There's no reason to be concerned, right?
And this time it's not Chris Brown. GONG and exit stage left!!
RiRi left Da Silvano in NYC last night with some kind of Ikea rug thing laying on her back, my pepaw's shades over her eyes and some leather gloves that look like they were made with ace bandages (awkward).
Why is RiRi stepping out with fur on her back after all the shit she has been through? Does she really want Peta busting a flour bomb on her ass? Or maybe that furry rabid creature on her back is still alive and ready to pounce at a moment's notice. It's protecting her ass from getting Ike Turnered (Khia is my idol) again. Keep on, keep on....
Bitches hoping to be on top ended up on the bottom after they were almost trampled to fucking death outside of a casting call in NYC yesterday for the next season of America's Next Top Model. This is the season that Ty Ty is only looking for chicks who are 5'7" and under. They should just stop the casting now. La Pequena has this shit boxed and wrapped!
The New York Daily News reports that the drama started at the break of dawn when girls who had slept in the line overnight found that other whores were trying to cut in on their shit. It got worse when girls found out that if they stepped out of the line they would not be able to get back in. This caused some chicks to piss in cups. Guess this will teach them not to leave home without their GO GIRL!
As hours went by, thousands of people were compressed into each other. The cops arrived to place barricades along the street, but by that time, bitches were straight-up blacking out from not being able to breathe. Again, GO GIRL can also double as an oxygen funnel.
The panic really started when two douchebags, who were fighting for hours, started brawling for real. After the cops broke that shit up, one of the dudes said he was going to come back with a gun. How fucking charming. What a way to spend your Saturday afternoon: suffocating, pissing on yourself and worrying about a loon with a gun. Not only did these little whores need a GO GIRL, but they also needed one of those bullet-proof wigs!
If that wasn't enough, moments later, a BMW with smoke pouring out of it pulled up to the street which caused some dumb whore to yell "BOMB!!!!" That's when the barricade dropped and everyone started running for their lives! That's some Les Miserdumbfuck shit!
After all was said and DUMB, several bitches were treated at the scene, two were taken to the hospital, three were arrested for starting a riot and the casting call was immediately shut down.
Meanwhile, Ty Ty was probably jizzing with her eyes because not only did her greatness (in her head) cause a riot, but she also had the topic for her next talk show!
Wei from Wei East on HSN - When I got home last night, I did my usual: watch HSN while stuffing my face with as many preservatives as possible. Last night was special because Wei was selling her ancient Chinese secrets and I was mesmerized. The world could have been ending outside and I would've kept on watching. Here's a clip, but it's best viewed with some booze in your system and a fucking Snickers in your mouth:
Sly Stone (66)
Eva Amurri (24)
Kellan Lutz (24)
Eva Longoria (34)
Mark Hoppus (37)
Penny Lancaster (38)
Kim Raver (40)
Mark McGrath (41)
Bret Michaels (46)
Terence Trent D'Arby (47)
Renny Harlin (50)
Dee Snider (54)
David Cronenberg (66)
Judd Hirsch (74)