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Gisele Bundchen and Tom Brady became dick bag and wife in Los Angeles today. They married in a Catholic ceremony! My abuelita would clutch her rosary and pass out at this news! She didn't think any celebwhores should get married by the Catholic church, because they get divorced after their first hour of marriage. Dark-sided! If she knew the ho shit I did around a Catholic church, she would probably try exorcise the devil out of me. The devil ain't going nowhere. Bitch owns prime real estate in my body.

Anyway, back to those two pieces of boiled broccoli. Gis and Tom started dating in 2006. They reportedly got engaged on Christmas eve, but Gis denied it. Well, Gis is a major lie-teller now.

UsWeekly says that 28-year-old Gis wore an ivory Dolce & Gabba--- Oh, who gives a horse's floppy dick what that bitch wore! Tom should have worn a giant S over his forehead because he's a slutbag (and not in a hot way) for cheating on knocked up Bridget Moynahan with Gis. You know, I bet Gis has got a baby in there and that's why they got married. Gis better not get too attached to her new husband, because around her 6th month, homeboy is going to catch the next whore train out of there.

Jonathan Rhys Meyers is back in the tank for the third time in less than 4 years. JRM spent a little time at Promises Malibu in 2005. Two years later, he gave rehab another shot. In 2007, he was arrested for being a drunk mess at an airport a few days after his mom passed away.

The Independent says he's getting treatment at a facility in England for booze addiction.

I figured it was coke too. His eyes are serenading me with their own version of "White Lines." Shit, those eyes look like they can separate and cut lines perfectly. Now, that's a party trick.

A source said that the producers of The Tudors kind of tapped him on the shoulder to let him know that he might want crawl out of the bottle and get a little help. The source went on to say, "He is one of the nicest guys in the world, he's a pleasure to work with. He has his demons, and he's trying to cope with them as best he can."

It's not a coincident that JRM has worked with Tommy Girl. You know Tommy flashed his alien ass snatch at JRM at least once. There's his fucking demons, right there.

VIA Contact Music

TOP CHEF SPOILER ALERT! You've been warned! Okay, nobody talks shit about Miss Carla. Nobody. That is a crime and the punishment is a lapdance from Hosea. Hosea is the worst.

As you know, our rainbow-hearted Angel lost last night and my middle finger is pointing right at that cunt Casey. Casey sabotaged the nicest person on TV and she knows it. Casey effed Carla up from the souffle to that meat in a Ziploc bag shit! Seriously, shake and bake is gourmet cuisine?

Casey is stabbing Carla in the back with a rusty knife yet again! This nasty ass witch went off on Carla to SideDish. This is the hateful trash she said about Beeker's precious baby:

Carla was not prepared and in over her head. The show did not talk about how the first course (crab) took her half of the friggin’ cooking time that day, I was left to work the rest of HER dishes.

She also did not have a plan. The ONLY thing she had in mind was a cheese course! I would NEVER do a cheese course. And where in the hell did french come from!? She is not even classically trained! It (the show) didn’t talk about how I worked on a sauce for 2 days and Carla forgot to put it on the plate… It didn’t show how the 2nd course (fish) was MINE. It didn’t show how she took the sous vide idea and decided to GRILL it last minute causing it to be tough… And it didn’t show how she WANTED to do the souffles which she does not even know how to make! That was HER food, because it certainly was me asking her how she wanted to do this and that while she was busy picking crab the entire time and making a souffle that didn’t rise!

I am done with TC. I did not influence her. She has NO ideas of her own, oh, except a cheese course.

Casey, the color of jealousy completely clashes with your cunty smile. This is not a good look. You know, Casey reminds me of Aniston just a wee bit. It makes sense that she would be so damn jealous of Carla. Carla is the spitting image of Angelina Jolie and Casey can't take it.

But seriously, why didn't Casey storm judges table and say this shit during the finale?! The ho could never say this to Carla's sunshine face. Casey hugged Carla and pretended like they were two cuddly kitten friends. HOODY HOO! This bitch needs a cheese course to the face! That didn't really sound like a mean threat, right? It sounds kind of delicious.

VIA ONTD

The Neverending Story is having the day from hell. Kate Moss, how could you?!

Last night, I was forced to watch American Idol without having the ability to fast forward through suckery and commercials. That shit should be used as a torture device. For real. I haven't been the same since.

Honestly, these skanks should not get to pick their own songs. Maroon 5? Coldplay? Hell no. It's never going to work. They should sing nursery rhymes, because they have the brains of toddlers. No offense to toddlers.

There were two whores that the judges busted nuts over. The first was 16-year-old Allison Irawhatever. When Gaycrest was interviewing her ass before she performed, homegirl acted like she just downed a bottle of rubbing alcohol. She was on a 15-second delay and not making sense. Then, she got up, took the stage and screamed the fuck out of Heart's Alone. No wonder bitch is alone, because she screams so damn much. Bitches can't be around her, because she hurts their ears. And she looks like the broken condom baby of Kelly Clarkson and Natasha Lyonne trying to do a Lily Allen impersonation and failing. Yes, I would have let Allison paint my nails with black glitter polish in high school, but I wasn't amused with her shit last night. But I also have a close relationship with Heart's Alone, because that is my karaoke JAM! Allison's performance needed more jazz hands. That's what that song is all about. Who knows? Her voice isn't that bad. She may grow on me. I'm open to it.

Adam Lambert also made the judges queef out compliments. Adam can sing, but the queen needs to turn down the drama. You could skipper dinner after Adam's performance, because he served up a giant honey baked H.A.M. And was Randy sipping on Paula's crazy tea? Randy told Adam that he was kind of like Robert Pattinson from Twilight. The hell? Maybe a hybrid of Robert Smith (today) and Paddington Bear, but sparkly RPattz? Never EVER.

The third spot MUST go to the amazing Norman Gentle. Richard Simmons proper! Norman knows this whole pony show is a damn joke and I'm in love with him because of that. Clip below:

Somewhere in the world, a memaw is being blinded by the sun, because Aniston stole her window curtains! - Popsugar

RiRi's recovering in Mexico...in a bikini - Hollywood Tuna

The worst album ever might be coming to a 99 Cent store discount bin near you - Just Jared

Johnny Weir does it better than Lady CaCa - Towleroad

Marisa Miller looks better like this - Egotastic!

Chuck Bass' purple bow-tie is making my peen pucker - Lainey Gossip

Darlene Connor still brings the sexy (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Katy Perry's got sunshine faces on her shoulders - Hollywood Rag

Cate Blanchett signs on to the biggest flop of 2010 - ICYDK

Zac Efron is going to make a stunning bride - I'm Not Obsessed

Morgan Freeman's whore is going to sue him - Celebitchy

Brittany Snow is no Kelly Rutherford - Socialite Life

Dirty dildo alert - Cityrag

Over at Buzzfeed, they posted a link to The Teenager Audio Test that produces a tone only young whores under the age of 25 can hear. Supposedly. You might have already known about this shit since it was developed in 2005 under the name The Mosquito. It's used to fuck with teenagers, basically. The annoying sound is meant to keep young ones from hanging around malls, grocery stores, etc...

Click here to test yourself. Now, I'm over the age of 25 and I heard that mess. It's the same ringing in my ears I get after listening to Fishsticks Paltrow bitch about something.

But I have the maturity and humor of a 12-year-old, so it makes sense that I have the sense of hearing of a teenager too.

Please step inside Dollhouse Dude's elegant boudoir in his luxurious abode right on Hollywood Boulevard. DD got extra fancy just for you. He wore one of Phyllis Diller's old merkins and Mrs. Roper's weekend ho dress for this extra special occasion.

Please don't ask me if Dollhouse Dude is homeless. I mean, his name is DollHOUSE Dude. He has a house. It's just on his head. But seriously, this is just him camping out during all the Oscar madness. Pucker up and give him a kiss.

The holy family left The Little Mermaid on Broadway last night and this is what Shiloh thought of that roller skating shit. If I was anywhere near there, I would've grabbed that holy moco out of her finger and put it on eBay. There's a Brangaloonie out there that would sell their children's organs in order to buy that shit. They would melt it down and inject it into their veins so they can tell people they share the same DNA with the most beautifulwonderfulgloriousangelic family in all the universe.

And why does Brad Pitt look like he's fighting a bad case of the runs? Maybe he got caught a glimpse of his own reflection in a window and looking at his tired BENJAMIN BUTTON'S face gave him instant diarrhea.

Fishsticks Paltrow is at it again. She already told the haters of GOOP to fuck off. And now she's saying that the whores who hate it, just don't understand IT.

The New York Times wrote up on article about how GOOP was basically a bunch of pretentious fish caca. At some event last night, Fishy defended her GOOP again to People, "I think the people who are criticizing it or criticizing the idea of it, don't really get it, because if they did, they would like it. There's nothing incendiary about it. I find it really interesting because it's a harmless newsletter that goes out each week."

I GET IT, BITCH! Now get this: FUCK OFF. Seriously, the people who do actually get it are probably the ones who can't stand that mess. I get it loud and clear. If you don't buy $20,000 purses and eat organic tree bark, then you're not worthy. This is what is so effed up about this ho. She can't understand that people just don't like something she does. I just want to smack her in her smug face with CHERYL BURKE'S mop head!

Look at Fishy's face. Don't you just want to smoosh it up into little balls, throw those balls into a deep fryer, pour some tartar sauce all over that shit and then chuck them at seagulls flying by?! And her words even make me want to do more horrible things. Every time I read something she says, the Chris Brown in me rises up and I have to go beat one of my dildos (and not in a sexay way).