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Beeker's secret love child Carla from Top Chef is going to hold shit down for me while I'm away. I have to quit this bitch early so that I can get on a plane and head back to my homeland of California for my mom's birthday extravaganza. Someone really have to be there to scream, "YOU OLD!" when she blows out her candles. And that someone is me! So, I most likely won't be posting anymore shit until sometime tomorrow morning. Then it will be ho business as usual around here.

If there's any breaking news, you heard it here LAST! As usual.

Until then, you better cheer Carla on to Top Chef victory tonight! This bitch has to win, just so we can see her eyeballs bust out of her head, do cartwheels in the air and then drop it like it's hot back into her sockets!

(Thanks to Mattchew and Tiredofbeinsexy for the gif!)

This bitch: The cunty Cruella de Stone look isn't working for Heather Mills - Popbytes

Douches of Hazard - Hollywood Tuna

The gayest painting of our time? - Towleroad

Jessica Simpson should take the rest of the century off - Lainey Gossip

Natalie Portman is really making the fucking rounds - Just Jared

Lily Allen is a plushie (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Hopefully, The Hills ends with all of them spontaneously combusting - People

Odette Yustman is hot - Cityrag

The only vitamin Kate Moss is taking is Vitamin COKE - Hollywood Rag

Sean Penn & Eddie Vedder love each other - Popsugar

Sophia Anderton has some bills to pay - Egotastic!

A couple of weeks ago, I was talking on the phone with my mom and we were talking shit about the usual. My mom was watching TV, Access Hollywood or some shit, and she said, "That Lindsay girl has been with the same boy for a long time." Here I am thinking my mom was making a funny. Homegirl wasn't. She truly believed that SamRo is a real-life boy and doesn't just play one in paparazzi pictures. How could she not know?! When I set my mom straight, she said, "Well, I just look at pictures. I don't read that sort of thing and she does look a cute, little boy." And then she said, "It's not like you ever tell me anything." Like it's my fault!

Anyway, White Oprah Jr. and SamRo were back together last night in Hollywood doing lezzie type things or whatever. I just really want to drop a powdered soap on HoHan and then turn the hose on her. That would be a waste time since "Lohan" doesn't really wash off.

The main event of last night's Really Plastic Housewives of Orange County Reunion Spectacular was between Tamra and Gretchen. Battle of the blonde-bos! They really should have held this shit in a boxing ring in the middle of the Orange County Swap Meet.

Tamra started the brawl of words when she told us a little bedtime story involving Gretchen and her ex-boyfriend Jay. Basically, based on the tidbits that were delivered to her, Tamra thinks Gretchen was fucking on Jay while her sugar pepaw lay dying. Tamra went on to say that Jay told her that Gretchen was basically hired help and her only job was to take care of sugar pepaw Jeff (R.I.P.). Gretchen denied away that she ever did NOT RIGHT sexy times with Jay during and after her relationship with Jeff. Droopy Vicki straight up asked Gretch if she was fucking his ass and the answer was NO.

The rumor about Gretchen and Jay has been going around before the reunion aired. The Dirty even has a picture of Jay sticking his nasty ass tongue down her throat. And she's still wearing the $65,000 rock Jeff gave her! In addition to that, Jay told The National Enquirer that he was Gretchen's real boyfriend during filming. Gretch would spend her days with Jeff, but her nights with Jay. When Jeff shuffled off to the great beyond, Jay moved in with Gretchen. How do you say "escandalo" in OC talk?

The crowning moment of the battle was when Jeana asked Tamra why she cared so much about Gretchen's supposed love triangle. The halo appeared over Tamra's head, the angels sang and she said, "It's all about moral character."

If you melted down moral character into a sticky paste, mixed it with silicone, poured it into a Ziploc bag and then shoved that shit in Tamra's chest, the bitch still wouldn't have any moral character! Her soul would zap that shit to nothingness in two seconds flat.

And the angels ripped off Saint Tamra's halo when she told Gretchen, "You're such a fucking victim, aren't you!" Why did I hi-five my TV screen when she said that? Cunts have to stick together.

Even Lynne woke up from her catatonic state and crawled out of her bong when Gretchen said that shit. Speaking of, was I the only one who was laughing till they farted when Lynne started crying?! You know she was only bringing the tears, because her brain was hurting so much after the meanies (Droopy & Tamra) made her think about important stuff.

The entire war of the whores is in the clip above. Relive the magic! Or just skip to the 5:20 mark to see the smug look on Droopy Vicki's face. You kind of just want to stick a milk bone in her mouth, put a collar around her neck and then walk her off a cliff.

And the next season should just take place in one room. Just throw all those whores in there so we can watch them slowly eat each other alive. The only thing left would be implants, one of Lynne's Cuff Loves and Tamra's moral character. Because her moral character will live forever!

File this under: Things that can make you impotent. Rosie O'Donnell told Ty Ty Banks on her show that Vadge has been giving her menopause advice. Rosie + Ty Ty + Vadge + Menopause = Dead nuts.

In an episode airing tomorrow and Friday, Rosie tells Ty Ty that she's been going through the change, "Well let me tell you one thing, Tyra: I am about to be 47 next month and Aunt Flow has not shown up for nine months. It started for me at 41...I would be in the bed, and I would wake up and the sheets would be soaking wet -- not damp -- soaking wet. I thought, 'Oh, Vivi (her daughter) crawled in here last night and maybe she wet.' So I would throw the covers off and turn to look -- and there's no Vivi, it's just Kelli (her partner in pussy). Then I'm like, 'Kelli is incontinent!' And then I realized, no it's me." _ __ ___ ____ ______ My brain just flatlined for a quick minute.

Rosie sees Vadge as a big sister (HA!), so she emailed her for advice, "When I started having my hormone things, I'm like, 'What the hell is going on?' she's like, 'Get the cream.'"

Coming from Vadge, "get the cream" could be code for so many things. The blood cream from a dude's ripped off ballsack? The cream from a Baby Jesus? The cream that many professional athletes inject into their muscly nalgas?

But Rosie probably doesn't have to worry about menopause anymore. When she read that e-mail from Vadge about the change, all her lady parts packed up their happy lil' shit and busted out of that bitch's ass. Vadge talking about menopause was way too much for them. Rosie probably thought it was just gas from her Mexican lunch.

VIA UsWeekly

When celebwhores get a DUI, the natural thing to do is to send them to the tank for a few months, so they at least look like they're trying. So it makes sense that when a dude delivers a massive beat down on a ho, you send him to anger management! That's what Chris Brown's crisis management team has done.

The NYDN says his pr whores think the mob of Brown haters might calm down a bit if Chris finishes an anger management. The smack up heard around the planet has fucked with Chris' money, so he's trying to look better to the public. Chris' first class was on Monday in Glendale, CA and he reportedly wants to get in a few more before his March 5th court date.

Friends of Chris chirped in that he's not the only one who needs to hug a puppy and kiss a rainbow. They say RiRi also gets the fire in her from time to time. They said, "It didn't help that Rihanna grabbed the keys out of his rented Lamborghini and threw them down the street. She knew it would really infuriate Chris, and it worked."

You know, we've all been in flaming arguments with bitches we're sucking on. One time, I even threw a boyfriend's cell phone into the gutter and that shit broke. Surprisingly, he didn't put two swollen horns on my forehead with his fists. Imagine that! And even when I told him that I gave one of his friends a handjob at Six Flags the week before, he didn't choke the fuck out of me. Restraint: It exists!

Chris and RiRi also made the cover of three tabs this week! Star Magazine says RiRi might be knocked up. The National Enquirer says she is! Life & Style says it was self-defense. And I say BLAH!

Kellie Pickler needs to put down the Botox needle and step the fuck away. And Phyllis Diller better sue her ass for copyright infringement - Celebitchy

Whitney Houston can put down the shank for now - Vh1 Blog

Kanye West will tell you that he has the power to put the hunger for ze cock on your tongue - The Frisky

Since Kelly has been gone, she's been hittin' the Hometown Buffet. JOKES! - ICYDK

From the department of NOT RIGHT: Rosario Dawson's mother is a pit licker - I'm Not Obsessed

Sookie & Bill 4 EVER - Popeater

This picture would be better if they were making out - Socialite Life

Spoiler Alert! Marc Cherry really hates Nicollette Sheridan - SOW

Hide your crack rocks and stash away your pipes, because Blaaaake has been freed from the chokey! The drug dealers will be holding a parade later today in Camden to celebrate this joyous occasion! Let's all OD and do the heroin shimmy seizure in his honor!

According to The Sun, Amy Wino's Blaaaake was released from prison this morning in Suffolk. He was originally sent to the clink last July for 27 months, because he bribed a witness in a trial. This past November, Blaaake was sent to rehab, but went right back after he failed a drug test.

The Crackie of the Caribbean couldn't make Blaaaake's welcome party outside of the prison, because she's busy scaring off the tourists in St. Lucia. Instead, his mommy was there to pick him up and take him away. There's no word on where Blaaaaake is heading next. I'm guessing he'll show up in a crackhouse near you.

And if you pick up a shell and put it to your ear, you can probably hear Wino screaming "Blaaaaaaaake" from St. Lucia.

Vivid Entertainment is piggybacking on OctoMommy's fame (the visual just destroyed me) by offering her $1 million for just one porn movie. Yeah, watching dudes dick slap her c-section scars is really going to make genitals explode in excitement.

TMZ says that Vivid is ready to make her a contract girl and if she agrees to that, her army of babehs will get full medical and dental insurance. But she'll have to do more than one porn.

Well, bitches have been calling her Octopussy, so she's already got the name. Or maybe she can call herself Vaginalina HOlie? Either will work. And for titles I'm thinking Eight Inches Is Not Enough, STRETCH Marks or Womb Raider? One of her "co-stars" can dress up like a giant sperm, she can dress up like an egg and they can do fucky times on a giant petri dish. Ugh. I can't. It's too early and the caffeine isn't even close to kicking in. I might have to shoot up coffee directly through my veins in order to deal.

OctoMommy is every kind of crazy, so I wouldn't pull out my pit hairs in shock if she actually went through with this. Nothing surprises me anymore when it comes to this crazy.

When it was announced a while ago by Satan that the legendary classic comedy Clue would get murdered by HELLywood in a remake, I screamed, I cried and I died. Then I told myself that this shit will never happen, because God won't let it. Well, I was wrong, because a director was just hired. A real director.

Variety (via Coming Soon) reports that Gore Verbinski will helm the guillotine which Clue lays in. Gore has directed the Pirates of the Caribbean movies and The Ring. Universal said they will turn Clue into "a global thriller and transmedia event that uses deductive reasoning as its storytelling engine."

What in the singing telegram fuckery is this?! A global thriller? The shit takes place in one mansion during one night! Fuckness. And it's a LOLcomedy not a thriller! They are totally going to make Mr. Boddy go on the lamb (typo, but lambs are cute) Bourne-style. Madeline Kahn is weeping from heaven.

All I can say is that hearing this mess makes me feel "flam - flames. Flames, on the side of my face, breathing-breath- heaving breaths. Heaving breath..."