The season finale of The Really Plastic Housewives of Orange County turned out to be a reunion of all the past whores. Two bitches whose names I have already forgotten showed up at the final party as did Jo. Jo was the trick who moved to Los Angeles and got her own Bravo reality show with Slade which tanked. Jo is now pursuing a music career. If that shit doesn't work out, she should move to Thailand to become a ladyboy. Who told her those bangs were a good idea? Most of the time, bangs like that make you look like you have a dick.
Speaking of dicks, Slade showed up wearing slacks with white flip-flops. This prompted Miss Manners aka Tamra to say, "He looks like a homo." She had a point, but bitch was also standing next to her husband who was wearing a shiny fuchsia shirt! You know she picked that mess out, too so who is she calling a butt fucker?
The rest of the party played out like The Price is Right. I know this was shot before the country's money caught on fire, but still! It was fucking ridiculous. Each housewife one after the other kept showing off their new crap. I felt like I had to guess the cost of each gift before the price was revealed to me. When the camera panned to Lynne's fake titty balls, I expected the words "still making payments" to pop on the screen.
Anyway, Tamra's husband bought her some $35,000 diamond bracelet and gave it to her at the party. You know that shit just came off layaway from the Jewelry Exchange in Tustin. $35,000 my ass! It's not like Tamra would know the difference and her husband knows it.
Next up was Droopy Vicki who proudly showed off the Rolex she bought. She made sure every ho at the party knew that she bought it herself! That way everyone knows her husband can't fill her "love tank" or even buy her a measly Rolex. I hope that shit turns her wrist green.
Lynne didn't get anything. I was hoping someone would buy her a clue and maybe some moisturizer. But that didn't happen.
Finally, Gretchen's sugar papa je'e couldn't make the fun and games, because he was too sick. In his absence, he had a red Harley set up in the parking lot as a surprise gift for Gretchen.
Gretchen did her usual gold digger scream when they unveiled the gift to her and then asked the other whores to come see her gift. Tamra and Vicki weren't having that shit. Vicki thought it was stupid how Gretchen is such a spotlight whore. Vicki wasn't even charmed when Gretchen got all the girls a Coach wallet (that she probably bought from the trunk of a car in an alley way). Vicki chirped that she didn't get the e-mail that they all had to bring gifts! We know Vicki hates HATES Gretchen. Why does she have to keep reminding us? Even if Gretchen wet queefed a laptop computer with unlimited battery power and universal internet access, Vicki would still want to kick her in the bagina bone.
Below is a clip of the whole Harley drama. Tamra even says that she doubts Gretchen and her sugar dude are a real couple and that he's probably just paying her to look after his sick ass. Well, a week after the party, sugar daddy Jeff passed away. Does this mean next season is going to feature a court battle between Gretchen and Jeff's kids? Or maybe Gretchen will shack up with homo Slade (if the rumors are true). All I know is that I hope the truth is revealed about Lynne next season. The truth being that she's really Steven Tyler.
The Pet Shop Boys closed the Brit Awards tonight with a medley of their songs and everything was going hot. There were giant talking heads on the screen and Chris Lowe restyled Brit Brit's infamous pink wig and wore it. Pretty perfect. Then a nose monster came out of the shadows to destroy everything! Lady CaCa looked like she belonged on the clearance shelf at Big Lots. I just want to stick some fake flowers in her mouth and set her on my coffee table. Bitch definitely got this shit from the reject rack at the Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead fashion show.
Brandon Flowers also made a cameo and his voice would have sounded a lot better if he sang into my no-no instead of that mic.
Here's some pictures of their rehearsal earlier today. That outfit, right? Porcelain vase gone WRONG.
Roseanne already delivered her sermon on the RiRi/Brown situation, but she wasn't done! Nope, there's more crazy to go around and it sounds like she's sort of taking back her original rant. Roseanne gets deep into it and it's kind of a wild ride. One minute, I'm riding along with her and then she makes a sharp left and totally loses me, but picks me back up at the stop sign.
This shit really crawled into her head, because it sounds like she's about to write a book on it even though she doesn't have any of the facts. Maybe she can read minds? Here's Roseanne's latest thesis:
women who go back to men who have hit them are usually violent too--they escalate conflict by using verbal humiliation and often throw the first punch, but are then unable to withstand the strength of the man's counter attack.
Alot of guys hit women because the women are hitting them, verbally abusing them or throwing the keys to their car outside and goading them on, and they lose control of themselves. This is what it sounds like to be in the rhianna-chris brown affair. there is no way out of violence if you are violent. the only way to win is not to play the game.
In the later stages, she won't leave because her will is destroyed, and a violent line crossed, because once the guy threatens to kill her, it becomes almost impossible for her to leave.
i hope rhianna is getting counseling from a professional counselor who will tell her that there is no way for her to ever win, and that she will have to curtail her own penchant for escalating conflict by screaming at or hitting or humiliating her abuser. I hope he gets real counseling too, that is not from a minister or his mom or any other shame based bullshit method that will never work, and that is designed to avoid dealing directly with self-control issues. I hope that they both leave each other alone and get over their faults.
I hope she does not continue to play the game with him. If they still love each other after they learn self control and conflict resolution, then they can get back together.
Move over, Marilyn Kagan! Didn't it feel like you should be reading that while lying on a leather sofa and periodically checking the clock to see when your hour is up? Unfortunately, I didn't walk away with a prescription for some strong shit after reading Roseanne's rant. But I will probably get a bill in the mail.
And Chris shouldn't get counseling from his pastor or mom. He should get it from Dr. Roseanne! But I have a feeling it would just end with his chopped off nuts in her hands.
Tameka Foster is back out on the loose, just 11 days after her body freaked out right before she was about to get some fat wet vacced out. The lipo gone wrong reportedly left Tameka in a temporary coma while doctors tried to get her shit together.
A spokeswhore for the Sirio-Libanes Hospital in Brazil confirmed that Tameka checked out on Monday night, but wouldn't say what she's up to now.
Usher's spokesbitch hasn't said why things went wrong, but the president of the Brazilian Society of Plastic Surgery, Jose Tariki, told the New York Daily News that Tameka told doctors she had a baby four months ago. Bitch was lie-telling, because she knocked out a kid only 2 months ago. Jose went on to say, "After a pregnancy,the abdomen muscle is violently stretched,becomes flaccid and swells. The patient needs six to eight months to return to normal and only then can undergo surgery."
Does this bitch watch Dick/Tuck?! Everyone knows you're not supposed to lie about shit when you're about to go into surgery or wrecks like this happen! Your doctor is really the only ho you should be honest with. Well, your doctor and your dealer.
I just hope Tameka played it smart and didn't go back to get the job done. I mean, some dumb hos wouldn't let a little thing called cardiac arrest get in the way of them getting skinny.
Rachel Bilson, Seth Cohen's forever girl from The OC, and the dude who ruined Darth Vadar are engaged to be married. Their Google search ranking must have fell off the charts, so they decided to pull this. It was either that or a sex tape, but I don't know if Hayden is up for that shit.
Page Six says some dude was on a flight with Rachel and noticed a ring on her finger, so he asked if she was married. She responded, "I'm not married yet, just engaged. I know I look like I'm 15, but I'm actually 27." One of Rachel's friends also told People, "They're a great couple. Rachel seems thrilled beyond belief."
I've heard a queer story about Rachel's new fiance, but the friend who told me could've been on some of the bad shit and mistook Hayden for some random trick. Who knows. My friend said his nutsack smelled like guinea pig poop. Okay, when a friend tells you something like that, it's time to check them off the list and walk away. Their services are no longer needed.
Posh Pan's skinny ass can fly too if you just blow her way - Just Jared
Lauren Conrad staring at some lil' tits - Egotastic!
John Mayer might be trying to make another funny - Popsugar
Pat Sajak really does love the gays - Towleroad
Everybody's on cocaine - Videogum
Lucy Liu looks wasted - Hollywood Rag
Haggard ass Kate Moss needs more Photoshop (NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather
The Oscars just got sparklier - Lainey Gossip
Dear Gis, I can see your nips - Hollywood Tuna
At least all the fishies survived! - TMZ
Sexy hot Oprah - Cityrag
What do Taylor Hanson, James Iha of Smashing Pumpkins, Adam Schlesinger of Fountain of Wayne and Bun E. Carlos of Cheap Trick have in common? Yeah, they all have dicks. Although, the verdict is still out on Taylor Hanson having one. But seriously, they have nothing in common! The Thompson Twins' "Nothing in Common" was written for these four! So why the fuck are they forming a super band named Tinted Windows?! They all must have lost the same bet.
The four announced that they have already finished up their debut album due out this Spring. They will play their first big show at South By Southwest in Austin, TX on March 20th. Mark your calendars, because that is the day the music will die.
But I'm keeping a jar of Arby's Horsey Sauce on hand just in case Tinted Windows becomes the greatest band since Mr. Mister and I'll have to eat my words.
That top isn't supposed to be worn like that, right? Those straps were not built for that kind of pressure. It's like two elephants sitting on a playground swing. That shit is about to SNAP! And if it did, CoCo's big fucking ass bitties would come tumbling out and explode! A typhoon of titty water and silicone would drown everyone in its path. That's why if you're ever going to be in CoCo's presence, you better bring some damn scuba gear. You know, just in case. But I guess if you gotta go, drowning in CoCo's silicone juice is the way to do it.
That being said, I'd risk my life to motoboat CoCo's plasti-chichis.
Here's the elegant goddess and her pimp at Eli Mizrahi's fashion week party in NYC last night.
Kanye West must have gotten bored with busting it to his own reflection in the mirror, because he got himself a new model. I don't mean the kind of model that falls on her ass on the catwalks. I mean the kind that gets built in laboratories. Seriously, doesn't she look like a tranny robot version of Kanye? Her serial number is 262377673, but Kanye calls her "Amber Rose."
Kanye has probably programmed Amber Rose to say all sorts of things during fucky times. She screams shit like: "YOU ARE THE CUM SHOT OF THIS GENERATION!", "BREAK ME LIKE YOUR MACBOOK AIR", "POUND MY VAG INTO SOME BENJAMIN BUTTON'S SHIT" and "BE GREAT ALL OVER MY TITTIES!!!" You know Kanye loves that dirty talk.
Here's the Great Kanye and his bot leaving the Gramercy Hotel in NYC last night.
A quick second after this picture was taken, the bearded lady in the back exploded in a cloud of dust. A mere peon is not capable of handling that much holiness at one time. The halos burn! Even God has to wear a special suit when he comes to visit for a game of Dance Dance Revolution.
In NYC this morning, St. Angie, Zahara and Shiloh bought some happy little shit at Lee's Art Store. They must have eleventy punch cards from that place! They go like every damn second. I bet they just buy poster board and markers. That's what they use to draw out their plans to end the misery and take over the world. You can tell by the look on Zahara's face that she's ready.
And when you have kids can you dress up them up in lil' jolly peacoats like the one Shiloh is wearing? That's really the only reason for me to have a kid. I want to dress it up in a peacoat, walk it around the block and then return it to the Blockbuster drop-box.
Wait and Shiloh actually walking!? Since when can she do that? She's practically a mini-adult-person. By the way, she was robbed of an Oscar nomination for her role in THAT BENJAMIN BUTTON'S SHIT.