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Beth Ditto once again bares her chitty balls on the cover of a magazine and this time it's for some shit called LOVE. My only question is: Where the eff are her nipples?! Are they camera shy, so they jumped off that bitch? Did the Shar Pei puppy on her back eat them?

The NSFWish version is after the jump and you tell me why they took a Magic Eraser to her nipples. We're nothing without our nipples! JUMP!!!

Please take a moment to be embraced by the elegant beauty of Phyllis J McGuire. Take it all in. Breathe in the scent of Jean Nate, Fanci-Full Rinse and Mary Kay lipstick.

If I was eve crazy enough (shutit) to take out a full page ad in The Hollywood Reporter wishing myself a happy birthday, I want it to look just like Phyllis'. From her flammable hair to her sweater made from the Easter Bunny's ass hair, it's perfection. And if only Vaseline could stick to my eyeballs, so everything in my world could look as frosty as this.

Seth at Defamer nailed it when he said she looks like "the human equivalent of an Easter Peep." I co-sign that and I pray to the giant pink Aquanet can in the sky that Phyllis is in my Easter basket this year.

It's no surprise that Phyllis, who is one of The McGuire Sisters and used to bang Sam Giancana back in the day, has made history as the recipent of the largest flower delivery. Bitch got like 12,000 roses.

And you also should really go to her website. Experience it......

P.S. - Do you think Phyllis has copyrighted "The Woman, The Myth, The Legend," because I really want that on my tombstone.

When American Idol started this year, I was wondering who would fill Kristy Lee Cook's devil's hooves as the object of my rage. I'm pleased to say that the spot has been filled by shrieking jackal Tatiana Del Toro who will face America's firing squad next week when she sings. And I've got my rifle fucking loaded and ready to go.

I don't really need to go into all the reasons why Tatiana makes me want to shove a mini-hot curling iron in my ear and open it. Just watch the clip above and everything will become clear to you. You'll wish you could give your ears an acid enema. And if you can't watch the whole clip, just to skip to the end and look at the faces of everyone around her. They are wishing for that acid ear enema too.

Tatiana isn't a bad singer, it's just everything else! When she laughs, garage doors go flying, cars combust and dogs run into traffic. Bitch sounds like a hyena on helium getting DPed.

It's like her laugh is taunting me to punch her in the mouth. Everyone else is hearing "Ahahahahahahaha," but I hear "Slap me, bitch! Slap me!" I bet the people in her family have already lost the feeling in their hands from sitting on them so much to keep from whacking her ass.

That said, I hate her so much that I think I love her. When she explodes into a cloud of laughing gas after she gets the boot (which will happen), it will be bittersweet for me. I mean, who else will make me angrily write stfu" on my TV screen using the blood from my bleeding ears?

Kellogg's not only hates stoners, but it also hates my childhood. It hates it so much that it destroyed it with this shit. THIS SHIT! I knew I shouldn't of trusted their asses when I found out they bought the Circus Animal Cookies recipe from Mother's and planned to put them out under the Keebler name. Those cunty Keebler Elves and Tony the Tiger are in cahoots to destroy my precious frosted creature friends.

They should have let Mother's beautiful cookies die a graceful and respectful death. That way I could always remember them happily dancing around under their purple and white circus tent with mother grinning at them. They were so happy. Now look at them! They've been molested and butchered.

They are sad, scared and, alone because of that giant purple gorilla hanging over them! It's ugly and menacing! Thank the sparkly frosting gods that I have like 40 bags left of the original shit. That makes it easy for me to give this fuckery the evil side-eye when I walk by it in the cook aisle. This is truly dark-sided.

(Thanks to Mary for the picture)

Earlier, I posted about how Kate Hudson loves the art of pole grinding so much that she had a stripper's pole installed in her poop room. Well, that saggy bitch doesn't have shit on Real World: Brooklyn's resident tranny girl Katelynn. Katelynn doesn't need to install shit, because she will use any kind of pole to get the job done.

Last night, the skanks went to some restaurant/bar/outhouse in Gettysburg and Katelynn spotted a pole and made it hers. The thing wasn't a stripper's pole, it was a fucking support pole! The dumb bitch! But Katelynn saw a pole and she had a dream to tantalize everybody in the room with her skills. That's until the bitch fell. Still, every whore on the Rock of Love Bus probably burst a twatty wart, because they were so proud of Katelynn. Every pole is meant to be grinded on. Every.

You weren't alone if you were secretly wishing the support pole broke causing the entire roof to come crashing down on her. No, you weren't.

After Katelynn's pole dancing FAIL, she started freaking on some pepaw midget man. At first, I thought it was Chuy from Chelsea Lately. I think Katelynn did too.

9021-ORANGE - Hollywood Tuna

Joanna Pacitti kicked the fuck out of Idol - Popeater

Where was a pack of sharks when you needed them? - Popsugar

Chris' beat down on RiRi wasn't his first time at the "slap a ho" rodeo - TMZ

Tommy Girl is totally going to copy Natasha Fatale's accent - Lainey Gossip

Danica Patrick is in SI Swimsuit Edition for some reason - Egotastic!

This is Kevin Spacey in his new movie and also me every weekend - Towleroad

Albino troll - Just Jared

Gilles Marini has done bad things in his life and he's being punished by getting paired with CHERYL BURKE - People

HoHan drives like her pussy is on fire (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

So I guess Rocco Ritchie isn't going to take his mom's W Magazine cover to "show and tell" anytime soon - Hollywood Rag

Let's all be friends! - Cityrag

When Vince ShamWow's name comes up, Billy Mays rolls up his sleeves, sandpapers the inside of his throat and goes off. During an interview with Adam Corolla, a caller asked about Vince and Billy went on and on about how he was going to take that little bitch down. Billy said that when it comes to the ShamWow, Billy laid down the foundation, Vince built the house and now he's going to redecorate. Yeah, I don't know how Billy became Debbie Travis. It's like I suddenly switched over to HGTV.

Billy said he was ready to have a pitch-off with Vince any time, any place. That kind of sounds dirty sexy. Why do I picture Billy's hairy low-hangers on Vince's meth-face?

Personally, I think that if they got into a room together, the world would implode. This shit probably has something to do with those two satellites crashing into each other. They heard this news first and couldn't fucking take it. So if Billy and Vince actually faced off, Earth would collide with another planet and turn into star dust.

But seriously, even though Billy looks like he could kill a grizzly bear with his pinky toe, methinks he's still no match for Vince. Vince might look like a tweaked out turtle, but the bitch was crazy enough to start a one-man war against Scientology. Nothing scares him.

Billy's rant is below:

(Thanks Kamila)

Kate Hudson has talked about her love of pole dancing before, because it's fun and makes her feel empowered as a strong woman of the world. Bleh, bleh, bleh. If you ask any pole Kate's smeared her bits on, they'd say it makes them feel weepy and suicidal.

Anygoldiehawnneedstoslapherchild, a sourcie tells UsWeekly (via The Scoop) that Kate had a stripper pole installed in her bathroom and she's proud of it! They said, “She’s so proud of it. She was laughing and giddy like a kid when the thing was installed! She holds on with both her arms and flips her legs into the air. It’s kind of amazing and totally sexy.”

They got the work order wrong. The pole was supposed to be installed up her ass.

But seriously, there has to be a good reason for this. Kate Hudson is like all green and shit, right? Like she loves hugging trees and stuff? Maybe this is her way of saving toilet paper. After she takes a shit, she gets on the pole, flips her legs into the air, wraps her ass cheeks around it and slides that shit clean. Shit and slide!

If you don't like shrilly kiddies and kittehs, then don't watch this video or you'll end up in anger management classes twice a week. Oh, fuckit. Just watch it anyway. It's kind of comedy gold. Maybe take a hit of something strong first. And you better stay still at least the "I'm her mom!" part.

Obviously, someone wrote the material and edited this up, but it was still worth at least five replays. I really have a love/hate relationship with the replay option on YouTube.

And how old were you when you learned "bow-chicka-bow-bow"? I'm a little jealous of this 7-year-old girl because I was at least 9. She's got me beat.

P.S. - If she performed this act live, she'd sell out Madison Square Garden THRICE. True fact.

UPDATE: And there's already a mash-up of this with "David After Dentist." That took all of six seconds. Stand by for this to get mashed with Christian Bale's fuck-word rant.

VIA Boing Boing