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Tonight when the Twitwards are flossing their vaginas with the Jacob Black fleece throws they got for Christmas, it will be much more gratifying because Taylor Lautner is SINGLE! I think a thousand cherries just spontaneously popped.

UsWeekly reports that the 3-month-long love affair between 17-year-old Taylor Lautner and 20-year-old Taylor Swift has come to an end. A source said that Girl Taylor wasn't really getting the shakes in her loins whenever Boy Taylor came around. The source added, "He liked her more than she liked him. He went everywhere he could to see her, but she didn't travel much to see him. It wasn't really developing into anything, and wasn't going to, so they decided they were better as friends. There was no chemistry, and it felt contrived."

Hm. Maybe it felt contrived, because both of them had their publicists screaming in their ears, "HOLD HER HAND! KISS HIS CHEEK! PASS HIM THAT NOTE IN HOMEROOM! TOUCH HER BOOBY!" Yes, both of their publicists sound like Kanye (ironic, eh).

But seriously, this is all kinds of hilarious. There's millions of girls who would sell their entire family for just one of Boy Taylor's nose hairs. And Girl Taylor rolls her eyes whenever Boy Taylor's name pops up on her cell phone. HAHAHA. Maybe Girl Taylor just wasn't into Boy Taylor trying to toss her salad while calling her "Edward." Hey, just let me have my fantasies!

Not since the Virgin Mary and Baby Jesus has there been such a touching portrait of an ethereal maternal figure with an innocent child. It just makes you want to give birth, or slap a Honey Baked ham.

Here's CoCo (that's Nicole Austin if you work for the government) frolicking around the beach in Miami yesterday with her young niece and Ice-T. Without all the lights, Photoshop, spandex and paint, CoCo looks so demure. Sure her bikini bottoms, which have seen better days on a spring break slut circa 1993, are crawling up her body to escape from her hongray hongray camel toe, but her ass isn't knocking my eyelashes off. Usually CoCo's ass makes my own ass clench up out of embarrassment, but it's not doing that right now. Maybe CoCo has been eating more fiber. Or something.

Kim Kardassian is really making it so easy (JUST LIKE HER!). She wrote this on her blog yesterday:

I stopped by Katalyst while Ashton Kutcher was filming! They had this little monkey that the magician, Dynamo, made appear! I thought he was really cute at first, but then he peed on me!! Ashton said the monkey had pooped on him, so I didn't feel too bad, haha. Gross little monkey!

The monkey obviously got the memo and was just trying to make Kim feel more comfortable. Seriously, it lit some candles, played some old school Boyz II Men and probably whispered sweet things into her ear as it golden showered her. And then she goes and calls it "GROSS?!" That poor little monkey. Don't be surprised if the monkey gets revenge by selling the video of his sweet moment with Kim to Vivid.

The all-new Ivana Trump Airplane Snuggie! Protects your ears from screaming children and your hands from strangling them. - ImpertinentVixen

Runners-up:

To keep Shane from offending everyone on the plane with his Manhunt profile, his grandma knitted him an internet porn cozy. - starvis

BLOG POST 899,9657
KANYE IS TOO GOOD TO FLY COACH. MY PEOPLE PUT ME ON A COACH FLIGHT WITH THE COMMON PEOPLE WHO DONT SEE THE BIG PICTURE LIKE ME. IM SITTING WITH BORING ZOMBIES. I HAVE TO COVER MY FACE OR THE FANS WILL BEG ME FOR AUTOGRAPHS. KANYE IS MEGA PISSED. HEADS WILL ROLL. BUY MY RECORD. - zomay

Ever since that freaky sex tape emerged, traveling for Pinocchio has never been the same - cliff777

via WOW Report

Barbara Petricini-Buxton, the snobby saleslady from Selena.

Remember Marie, the snobby saleslady who told Julia Roberts that a dress was veeeeeery expensive? Well, here's Marie's equally cunty cousin spreading the retail bitchery by raising her nose up at JLo and telling her some ugly Charlotte Russe clearance rack dress is way too rich for her blood. BURN YOU, JLO! But JLo really showed her by not buying the dress. See that's exactly why snobby salesladies are snobby!

She doesn't have Marie's ice cold stare, but she does cross her arms and all snobby salesladies do that! That's their signature pose.

(For Silvana)

Jude Law (37)
Jessica Andrews (26)
Diego Luna (30)
La Toya London (31)
Katherine Moennig (32)
Mekhi Phifer (35)
Leonor Varela (37)
Jennifer Ehle (40)
Evan Seinfeld (42)
Andy Wachowski (44)
Paula Poundstone (50)
Patricia Clarkson (50)
Yvonne Elliman (58)
Ted Danson (62)
Marianne Faithfull (63)
Jon Voight (71)
Mary Tyler Moore (73)

Because everyone knows that the quickest way to becoming a fag's main hag is to charm his mother, the gay fly paper known as Squinty Zellweger hung all over Bradley Cooper's mother while shopping for furniture in Los Angeles the other day. B.Coop's mama je'e, who kind of looks like Janice the Muppet after eating Fozzy Bear, was in town for the Christmas holiday.

Squinty looks like she just swallowed an entire bong. Acting all giggly and shit. Bitch needs to keep it together. And B. Coop's mother looks like she's trying to figure out why her son's lovely new boyfriend uses the ladies restroom and keeps tampons under his bathroom sink.

In between re-shoots for that Salt movie in NYC today, St. Angie got involved in an intense phone conversation with someone. I'm hoping that I'm wrong about my headline and St. Angie was really on the phone with the reception at Supercuts desperately trying to get Billy Goat Brad a shave and a haircut appointment before New Year's.

Birthday: A few weeks old
Age: Ripe
Birth Name: Somethingoranother Dole

Original Date of HS of the Day: December 26, 2009
Claim to Fame: It's the face of Jesus on a banana. Do not question.

Where is he now? Probably trying to turn milk and Cheerios into a 40 and a few blunts.
Why is he HS of the Week? Good question. It might have something to do with the empty bowl staring at me.

Remember that one scene in Alien.... (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Lily Allen is one step closer to achieving her goal of making sure every one of us has seen her titties at least once - Egotastic!

Tamara Mellon either needs a smaller bikini bottom or bigger ass cheeks - Hollywood Tuna

But can Zachary Quinto get both of his feet behind his head? - Just Jared

JLo posing for her life at a football game - Lainey Gossip

So now we know why Bradley Cooper agreed to do Valentine's Day - Towleroad

Larry King is the Tiger Woods of the zombie world - Celebitchy

Hot piece Johnathon Schaech is engaged - I'm Not Obsessed

Leonardo DiCaprio needs a miracle suit - Popsugar

This is what happened to Pete Wentz when Bronx Mowgli was finally old enough to understand his name is Bronx Mowgli - Socialite Life

Another picture of Kendra's 10-second-old baby. Expect 10,000 more of these before the year is up - ICYDK

I really don't want to know what "Hoff-ee" is - Hollywood Rag

A Glee flash mob - SOW

RiRi wearing two of Noah Cyrus' favorite skirts as a bikini - Holy Moly!

Is that Detective Julie Bower in the bottom right picture?! - Cityrag

(Image via Pacific Coast News)