Khloe Kardashian to Rachael Ray on how Kourtney plans to breastfeed her kid during kindergarten snack time:
"Kourtney was like, 'I'm so excited. I don't have to cook for five years! And I go, 'What do you mean?' She's like, 'I'm gonna breast feed.' I go, 'For five years?' She has, like, no idea!"
There's only two spots left in the grand finals for what is the most important election in the history of the world. Okay, the most important election in the history of the Internet? Okay, okay, the most important election on this website? OKAY! It's not important at all, but we have to pretend it is so Dolores' hair can grow back. But do we want Dolores' hair to grow back? Too many questions!
Here's your choices for November's Hot Slut of the Month:
Dolores the Bear: The most famous nudist bear at Germany's Leipzig Zoo
Patty from Dallas Divas & Daughters: The first chola of Dallas
Carmen de Mairena: Spain's official transsexual legend
b4-4: 90s Canadian boy band and the country's biggest importer of puka shells and mangel
Cast your vote in the sidebar to the right. The winning slut of November's Hot Slut cockass will be announced on Friday.
Jersey Shore won't be the only reality show this winter that will make you want go to confession and dip your genitals in a bowl of holy water. Starting January 3rd, Vh1 is rolling out The Enterainer's (of I Love New York & I Love Money) own reality dating show called....Frank the Entertainer In A Basement Affair. Yes, this motherfucker is called A BASEMENT AFFAIR! Solange (aka Basement Baby) better be ringing all the alarms over this mess. They are infringing on her copyright! While I search the PennySaver for a lawyer who will work for moth balls, read the show's description:
Fifteen beautiful women traveled to New York for Frank, only to find out that they won’t be living in the elaborate mansion they expected – they will be living in Frank’s parents’ house! Outspoken Mom Susan and Dad Gary are so desperate to have 32-year-old Frank move out of their basement that they have decided to make finding Frank love a family affair.
The girls will have to compete for Frank’s love, and follow Mom and Dad’s house rules if they want to stay in the house. Each week at elimination, Frank will give the ladies keys to his basement, and those locked out will have to pack up, and move out.
Vh1 doesn't even have a barrel to scrape from anymore. Remember the golden days of Vh1 when a tramp could hold her head up high after being cast in Flavor of Love 2? The local strip club would throw her a pussy parade and she'd get the official key to the city's free clinic? The hos of A Basement Affair won't even get a complimentary side of cole slaw at Denny's! Sigh.
That being said, my Tivo will be hugging this show. I mean, how can I say no to these 5 lovelies below? The first lady below is Ann. I think she can stumbled into the basement on accident while making her way to a knitting circle.
You may have already heard the one about Linda Hogan taking everything from Hulk Hogan's house including his prized toilet seat. Only Linda Hogan would want a toilet seat embedded with Hulk's ass dust.
Anyyouknowtheresshitcrustontheretoo, Linda has issued a press release to explain why she snatched Hulk's favorite wooden toilet seat. Linda releasing a statement about a toilet seat is as natural as a midnight bowel movement. This is what Linda farted out:
He knows I’m using the wooden toilet seat as frame for his picture ever since I found out he is a serial cheater and liar. Once he comes clean and starts to be honest, he can have it back.
Even though Linda learned that trick at the kindergarten school of revenge, it's still fitting. However, Linda's wall of beautiful family memories would look much better if she hung her picture in a trash can frame next to Hulk's.
This reality TV star is telling all her friends that she has slept with a certain famous Twilight star. She was drunk at a club this week and when our source questioned her about it, she said ‘it’ was really ’small’ but the actor can ‘really work with what God gave him.’ Not Lindsay Lohan. (BuzzFoto)
Since the word "God" is used in this blind item, I'll go with devout Christian Heidi Montag. And as for the Twilight star, I'll say it was some extra who was in a deleted scene that was featured on the DVD.
Which athlete has been playing the field behind his A-list girlfriend’s back? One flirty night club encounter has already turned into a series of dates, and his main girl is getting suspicious. (Star Magazine via Blind Gossip)
Manwhore A-Roidy and Kate Hudson?
What do you do when you are promoting a movie and two of the biggest names in the movie can't stand each other? Well usually they just smile and pretend, but this B list movie actress and B list movie actor dislike each other so much they refuse to even be at the same premiere let alone walk the red carpet together or pose for any pictures. (CDAN)
Fishsticks Paltrow and every single person in Hollywood. Or Katherine Hagel and Josh Duhamel? Or Rachel McAdams and Jude Law?
Although several of his films in the past ten years have received critical acclaim, this actor is acutely aware that his fame peaked last century. Part of the problem is that while he has dated many beautiful and famous women in the past, he has been flying solo for a while. In order to put himself back into superstar status he is going to partner up with a female star. He and his PR people have been shopping for the right woman for the past couple of months. You won’t catch a glimpse of the new couple until next year. The timing will very conveniently coincide with the release of his new film. (Blind Gossip)
Leonardo DiCaprio and the most famous woman in the entire universe...Susan Boyle?
Ricky Martin isn't even trying anymore - Holy Moly!
I didn't know Kristin Davis was dating Encino Man - Egotastic!
Tommy Girl really wishes he had an ass like Cameron's. Like he literally wishes he could transplant her ass on his behind - Hollywood Tuna
Johnny Depp doesn't watch Johnny Depp movies - Popsugar
A M.A.C executive's wet dream - Just Jared
Well, if The Boss says.... - Towleroad
The many faces of Celine Dion - Lainey Gossip
Tiger is Gatorade-less - ICYDK
Tiger might have a sex tape - Celebitchy
Tiger's porn mistress is a call girl (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather
And here's the best tiger-related story of the week - YouTube
If Sarah Jessica Parker's dress fell, DanRad would be all over that shit - SOW
Dracula did it better - Socialite Life
The death threats are probably coming from the Rock of Love skanks, because the guidos of Jersey Shore have snatched their trashy thunder - I'm Not Obsessed
Breaking: Cher still dresses like a misunderstood "gothic" tween from the late 90s - Hollywood Rag
Aniston. Pitt. Baby. Joy. Blah. Blah. - Popbytes
Drive-Thru ATM Fail - Cityrag
In a live streaming video, which must have been directed by The Maysles Brothers, Tila Tequila announced that she is engaged to Johnson & Johnson heiress Casey Johnson. This is the same Casey Johnson who was arrested for smearing her labia leche all over another lezzie's vibrator and stealing a bunch of her joo-ree.
Casey must have been stealing shit for cheap thrills, because Tila claims she's a bajazillionaire. And I just consulted with my 5-year-old cousin who let me know that a "bajazillionaire" is, like, way richer than a bazillionaire. This makes sense, because only a bajazillionaire could afford a 17-carat diamond engagement ring. Although, that ring does look suspiciously like the one my Peaches & Cream Barbie used to wear. And Barbie and Tila do have the same ring size.... Hmmmm...
Tila also added, "Anyway, we are going to make love tonight for our honeymoon." Okay, nobody tell Tila that the honeymoon happens after the wedding, because I really hate seeing elves cry. Speaking of tears...
I have a feeling this is going to end in a lot of them. Or it's going to end with Tila setting Casey's hair on fire.
And is it just me, or does Casey Johnson sound like Tori Amos with a handful of anal beads in her mouth? It's kind of driving me crazy.
Over in Norway, Tommy Girl and his fellow Scientologists are on all fours with their b-holes pointed towards the sky because they are trying to summon back the alien portal which appeared early this morning.
Thousands of Norwegians called into the Meteorological Institute after some kind of blue laser light beam party filled the sky at around 8:30. Scientists are giving a "fuck if we know" response, and Russia's military denied they were testing missiles at the time.
One Norwegian scientist told the media, "I agree with everyone in the science community that this light was the weirdest thing. I have never seen anything like this ever. It may have been anything from an exploding missile whose launch went wrong - to a comet or other celestial object that for some reason has been behaving strangely. The spiral suggests the object came off course and balance and entered the spiral movement. Leaking rocket fuel could account for the blue light. But I know that the military have denied this explanation. So we could be looking at an entirely new natural phenomenon."
Has anyone questioned the ravers? Maybe they finally got bored with their puny glow stick light shows and needed something to really make them coo while they roll. Either that or The Heene family has taken their acts of fakery to Norway.
This pretty much confirms that Jennifer Aniston's agent is actually Maddox in disguise, because she is in talks to star in yet another romantic comedy that makes it so much easier for all of us to joke about her lonely miserable spinster ways. And what's even worse is that she's done this all before.
The Hollywood Reporter says that Jennifer Aniston and Adam Sandler are circling around a project called The Pretend Wife. They are hoping to release this wreck on February 11, 2011. The script "is currently under wraps," but after a 2-second Google search I think I may have found the plot. This is the synopsis from a novel with the same name which was released this past June:
For Gwen Merchant, love has always been doled out in little packets—from her father, a marine biologist who buried himself in work after her mother’s death; and from her husband, Peter, who’s always been respectable and safe. But when an old college boyfriend, the irrepressible Elliot Hull, invites himself back into Gwen’s life, she starts to remember a time when love was an ocean.
What does Elliot want? In fact, he has a rather surprising proposition: he wants Gwen to become his wife. His pretend wife. Just for a few days. To accompany him to his family’s lake house for the weekend so that he can fulfill his dying mother’s last wish. Reluctantly Gwen agrees to play along—with her husband Peter’s full support. It’s just one weekend—what harm could come of it?
But as Gwen is drawn into Elliot’s quirky, wonderful family—his astonishingly wise and open mother, his warm and welcoming sister, and his adorable, precocious niece—she starts questioning everything she’s ever expected from love. And as she begins to uncover a few secrets about her own family, it suddenly looks like a pretend relationship just might turn out to be the most real thing she’s ever known.
A barf covered Valentine candy heart. Someone needs to tap Jennifer's culo with the poster from PICTURE PERFECT! The Pretend Wife is Picture Perfect's long-lost conjoined twin. And this is almost like Adam Sandler's I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry but with an extra vagina.
And Jennifer's Brad Pitt real groom doll is probably thinking to itself, "Now this bitch will know how I feel."
Usually, when a bitch tells you they want to do you with a long snake, you immediately grab the Saran Wrap and a tub of Crisco. But not in this case. In this case, you immediately slip on a pair of panties made out of snake repellent.
TMZ says that Rachel True, the chick from The Craft and Kathy Griffin's friend as seen on My Life on the D-List, took a restraining order out on some loontardian who threatened to "fuck her with a cobra." Please don't tell me the crazy's snake is named Riki Dicki Tavi.
According to the restraining order, the crazy bitch, who goes by the name of Elenora Redmon, has been stalking Rachel for over a year. Last month, Elenora was busted outside of Rachel's house after she showed up with a large "sex toy." Elenora claimed that Rachel had summoned her to her home. In addition to showing up on her door, Elenora has also sent Rachel countless e-mails like "Why did you shut your curtains?"
Um, I know you've got the crazies in your brains, Elenora, but Rachel shut her curtains because you want to take a snake to her snatch. Stupid bitch.
Elenora is currently in jail, but once she's released, she'll have to stay at least 150 yards away from Rachel. They should also add Richard Gere's name to that restraining order, because if Elenora's cobra smells the gerbil cemetery in his ass, it won't be a pretty sight.