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Michelle Duggar is laid up in a hospital bed today, and not because her vagina finally fell off and called 911. No, Michelle's gallbladder was fucking with her. Michelle is currently carrying her 19th BABY!!!! in her permanently-weepy womb, but doctors say her fetus is fine. A rep for the Duggars' TLC show 18 Kids and Counting had this to say to People:

"This weekend, Michelle Duggar was admitted to an Arkansas hospital due to gallbladder issues. The pain from a gallstone was generating some contractions. Just to be safe, she was airlifted a Little Rock, Ark., hospital, so that in the unlikely event that she had to be delivered early, she would be close to a NICU center. Though there were some fears that the baby was in trouble initially, it soon was discovered to be solely the gallstone causing the discomfort. Michelle is resting comfortably, and the baby is doing fine. Doctors want to observe Michelle in the hospital for the next couple of days, but it would appear that the pain medication they have given her for the gallstone has worked, and there is no need for immediate surgery. The hope is that any necessary surgery can be delayed until after she delivers. Doctors want to observe Michelle in the hospital for the next couple of days, but it would appear that the pain medication they have given her for the gallstone has worked, and there is no need for immediate surgery. The hope is that any necessary surgery can be delayed until after she delivers."

I hope that when the doctor told Michelle that they had to operate on her gallbladder, he whispered it. Because if he didn't, that means her other organs heard it, and they are slowly going to try to make their way to her gallbladder. When the doctors open her up, her uterus and all her ovaries are going to jump out and run to the nearest church for MERCY! That will definitely cause a scene.

Just the other day, I was counting the original "Slut Dress" out and already sniffing for its successor. Well shame on me, because the Slut Dress has not breathed its last bref just yet! A reader caught the Slut Dress living it up at a club in Toronto late last month. It has found a home on the body of a non-celebwhore who probably saved it from the clearance rack at Marshall's. It's the dress that refuses to die.

The Slut Dress will continue its acts of sluttery until the end of time. Hopefully.

I KNOW! More Tiger Woods shit. You've got tigers jumping out of your asshole, tigers falling out of your ears and tigers crawling out of your mouth. Even Tony the Tiger is about to change his name to Tony the Striped Puss to distance himself from this shit! I know that, so I chose this picture of Tiger and Elin with an adorable dog friend to help ease your frustrations. And to also prove that Tiger really does have a way with the bitches. Anyway....

Radar is screaming that Elin Nordegren has packed up all her stuff and moved out of their house. A source said that Elin is staying at a house nearby. The source also said that Tiger is doing whatever he can to get her back home.

This source needs to fuck me gently with an Ambien pill, because I highly doubt Tiger is trying to get Elin to come back. We all know what he's really doing....

MISTRESS WHORE POOL PARTY/MEET AND GREET!

Seriously, Tiger is currently chest deep in mistresses past and present. The Ambien is flowin'!

You know what this Tiger Woods Three (Hundred) Whore Circus has been missing? NEKKIDNESS! Specifically, nekkidness in peen form. Well, Life & Style says that Playgirl is on the case! Yes, the same Playgirl who never ponied up Levi Johnston's Alaskan meat. So don't hold your genitals.

Playgirl's spokeswhore Daniel Nardicio says that they have pictures of Tiger's peen in their warm crotches. Apparently, the pics came from one of Tiger's many mistresses. Playgirl said they are trying to find out if the pictures are of Tiger or just some random wang. Daniel said, "We're currently trying to authenticate the photos before we make any decisions on purchasing the Tiger Woods pics and ascertaining the value."

Unless Tiger's face or body is in the pictures, how are they going to prove that shit? This is a job for Gay Al Reynolds! Gay Al's peendar is the best in the business (sorry, Tommy Girl). Gay Al's double glazed donut hole can correctly match up a dude's clothed crotch with a picture of his naked dick. Every time!

And if you're impatient like me and don't want to wait to see tiger dick, CLICK HERE!

What mom and former A list television actress and now a C list joke answered her front door to trick or treaters in a shirt that exposed all when she reached for candy. Moms and dads were not amused. OK, well maybe the dads were amused. (CDAN)

Pamela Anderson? But my question is why did moms even take their kids to her house if they weren't expecting titties and treats. It's Pamela Anderson. You're going to get titties every time.

There were reports that this couple split up recently. Apparently, she had enough of his double life. But while they really have broken up, expect to continue to see them together occasionally. They are simply fulfilling commitments they made to their publicists to attend certain key events. (Blind Gossip)

This is probably Jakey & Reese, but I'll throw in St. Angie and Billy Goat Brad's names into the hat. St. Angie just can't deal with Brad creeping out at night to chew grass while men stare at him.

This married former A list television actress and now a struggling C has been trying anything and everything to get a television show for herself. Not reality. She wants a talk show and there is only one person standing in her way. That person is a former reality star turned sometime actress who is actually much more famous than the preceding description would lead you to believe. Our former A list actress never misses the chance to talk smack about her perceived competition and will say anything to anyone to have the chance to host the show. (CDAN)

Kristie Alley and Jenny McCarthy? EXHIBIT: EVERYTHING. And Kristie isn't technically married, but I'm sure she tells everyone that she has two husbands: Jamie Foxx & Krispy Kreme.

This Hollywood dad recently worked on a project with another C list star. (The project was for the holidays). The other star is not married but in a committed relationship and has been in the press for it with her A/B list boyfriend. Well, the two hated each other the first time they worked together, but kept it civil. Now the two can’t get enough of each other and have had a few late night rendezvous! What does this mean? We’re not sure, but we think a secret affair could be brewing. Not Russell Simmons. (BuzzFoto)

Jenny McCarthy and Dean McDermott?! If Jenny is stepping out on multi-millionaire Jim Carrey with Dean McDermott, then I'm going to need to curse her out on Larry King.

Rosie O'Donnell has the complexion of a Dorito, so it's not surprising to hear that when she's not chomping on clams, she's surrendering herself to the sun all day long (smells like boiled pork rinds). On Rachel "I'm Not Giving Her That Extra A" Ray's show last week, Rosie proclaimed that she "lives to tan" and "exposure to the sun isn't dangerous."

Thanks to her comments, the hos at the Ray Festa Melanoma Foundation want to shove a strap-on into Rosie's mouth. One of the group's strongest supporters told Page Six that Rosie's comment was "irresponsible." They added, "Going out into the sun without protection is as, or even more dangerous, than having unprotected sex."

But is it more dangerous than looking at a picture of Rosie O'Donnell's turkey sun-dried tomato face without protection? Probably. Just in case, you should squirt an entire tube of SPF INFINITY into your eyes and put on a condom before looking directly at Rosie.

There's a carpet munching joke in here somewhere - Just Jared

Condom Claus needs to go down Tiger Woods' chimney - Towleroad

Julianne Hough is really patriotic - Hollywood Tuna

Carrie Underwears is in a bikini - Egotastic!

Amy Adams is going to have a BAAAAAABY!!!! - Celebitchy

JLo is ridiculous. Or "rediculous" if you're name is Lindsay Lohan - Lainey Gossip

I think it's safe to say that either Sienna Miller or her dog is fucking Jude Law - Holy Moly!

Carrot Top brings the panty pudding as usual - Hollywood Rag

Didn't Sophie Turner get the memo that if she wants to be the newest ho on the scene, she has to admit to an affair with Tiger Woods first (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

These pictures of Robert Downey Jr. are much more entertaining if you play the song "Kung Fu Fighting" in your head while touching your taint - Popsugar

Get re-acquainted with Marky Mark's triple nipple - Cityrag

Cut to Beyonce AND Kim Zolciak screaming unison, "Amateur!" - I'm Not Obsessed

River Cuomo from Weezer was in a bus accident. Hug a sweater. - SOW

Posh isn't wearing black, but she is wearing the fabric off of my grandmother's patio sofa - ICYDK

This should've be RiRi's next single - Socialite Life

After Real Madrid's Cristiano Ronaldo ripped off shirt during a game against Almeria, he was given a foul by the referee. The referee obviously doesn't like tiny nipples or chests as smooth as a porn star's snatch. Personally, I think Cristiano should get a foul if he doesn't take off his top and show them titties.

Okay, okay, the truth is, Cristiano has never made me want to suck on my own finger. But I'll always have a soft spot (insert your own joke about my b-hole here) for him because of his expertly manicured eyebrows.

The vaginas just keep falling out of Tiger Woods' chonies. So far, the count is at 9. I failed algebra twice, so if it gets into the double digits, I'm out of this game.

We already know about Rachel Uchitel, Jaimee Grubbs, Jamie Jungers and Kalika Moquin. Over the weekend, five more hos claimed they too were part of Tiger Wood's graduating class of whores. Let's meet them, shall we?

Mistress #5: Some 25-year-old cocktail waitress from Orlando, FL. Mistress #5 says that she got it on with Tiger from 2004 to 2006. They met while she was serving cocktails at Roxy Nightclub in Orlando. Mistress #5 hasn't sold her story yet, but she does have a lawyer. She also told TMZ that Tiger told her his marriage to Elin was faker than Beyonce's hairline.

Mistress #6: Holly Sampson, a porn star who was in an episode of The Wonder Years once. Holly is an old-school whore, because she refuses to suck and tell. However, The Sun claims that Holly and Tiger went international with their affair by fucking all over the world.

Mistress #7: Cori Rist, a 31-year-old Hooters waitress. Cori's friends told her tale to the NYDN. They say Cori met Tiger at Butter and their affair lasted six months. Just like the other whores, Tiger regularly put Cori up in the same hotel as him.

This is my favorite quote from the NYDN article: "He would get the presidential suite. It was the ultimate in luxury." That Tiger really knows how to pamper his pussy!

Mistress #8: Some British presenter.

Mistress #9: 34-year-old Mindy Lawton, a former waitress at Perkins! Mindy is definitely my favorite mistress whore from Tiger's harem! FINALLY, Tiger is showing that he has good taste in hos. I mean, just look at her picture to see what I'm talking about:

The weather outside is frightful, but Mindy is so fucking delightful! Not only did Mindy meet Tiger while she was a waitress at Perkins (THE ELEGANCE!), but she also used to fuck on him in the parking lot. That is how it's done! Tell all the other skanks to retire to the Bunny Ranch, because we have finally found a glamorous successor to Jessica Hahn!

Somebody get Mindy a record contract and a spread in Penthouse. She's going to be a star!