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Stepford Katie stepped out of her cage yesterday to buy a last-minute gift for Tommy Girl at Hermes in Beverly Hills. I didn't know Hermes sold vibrating butt plugs and anal probes. Good to know.

As usual, Katie looked like someone spit in her barley (all signs point so Suri). Seriously, isn't that the saddest L-Word extra you ever did see? Bitch looks like a lezzie after finding out that her ex-scissor sister stole her autographed Indigo Girls CD. Even that creepy wax-like Santa Claus/serial killer couldn't scare any life into Stepford Katie. Although, not much would scare you if you regularly saw Tommy Girl walk around pantless with only a "Scientologists Do It Better" half-shirt on.

Doogie Howser's big Christmas balls - Lainey Gossip

Avril Lavigne's Figure Skater Boi (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Ho Ho Ho - Egotastic!

Jessica Simpson looking like your spinster office manager trying to look fancy for the company Christmas party - Hollywood Tuna

Santy's got a boyfriend - Towleroad

Sascrotch and Sascrotch Jr. stroll through Aspen - Popsugar

LiLo loves a bargain - Just Jared

Wino will not be outdone by Pete Doherty - Celebitchy

Fred Savage reminds me that I'm old - Hollywood Rag

Ashley Greene how you've always seen her - Popoholic

Looking at these pictures will give you an incurable case of Rocko Clapp - I'm Not Obsessed

The devil made RuPaul do it! - Popbytes

Kristen Stewart looks best with a bong in her hand - Cityrag

JHud's womb is fetus free - Parade Magazine

Tiny's toe tickler is out of the slammer - Reel Loop

Brittany Murphy will be buried today - Socialite Life

Bronx Mowgli has been challenged! The Los Angeles Times brings us the news that Johnny Knoxville's girlfriend Naomi Nelson gave birth to a baby boy on Sunday night. Their new baby weighed in at 8 lbs. and they have named him...ROCKO AKIRA CLAPP. None of that is a typo. This must be just another gory Jackass stunt. Rocko Akira Clapp is the same noise Steve-O made when he swallowed that goldfish and then threw it up.

Johnny's government name is Phillip John Clapp, so you can't really blame him for using the last name Knoxville. But why must he put his kid through that. Clapp is bad enough, but pairing it with Rocko makes it sound like something a nurse practitioner at the free clinic diagnoses you with after admitting that you let Gerard Butler wiggle the tip in. Poor child.

Johnny also has a 13-year-old daughter named Madison from his ex-wife. You know Madison has not stopped pointing and laughing at Rocko Clapp since Sunday.

via MSNBC

Color me fucking shocked, because Tila Tequila jumped the womb by announcing on her Twatter that she's knocked up. The other day, Tila caused a bunch of hos to Google "Can ladyboy leprechauns get pregnant?" when she said that she is acting as a surrogate for her brother and his wife. Thankfully, there's a glimmer of hope for humanity because she is not currently carrying a fetus in her Easy Bake Oven. BITCH BOGUS!

Tila told Life & Style, "I'm about to be. When I tweeted that, I figured there's not enough space in the 140 characters. [I meant] I'm going to give him a Christmas present that's going to change his life. I don't have time to take care of a real baby of my own -- not yet however -- I feel I am very ready to experience the whole pregnancy process but without having to actually have the baby as mine, my own to take care of."

And there you go, this has been another chapter in The Ladyboy Who Cried Wolf.

Yesterday afternoon, Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins broke hearts everywhere by announcing that they ended their 23-year relationship this past summer. I figured that they simply ran out of things to talk about and their genitals coughed up a "meh" whenever seeing the other one naked. But some are saying that 63-year-old Susan traded 51-year-old Tim in for a 31-year-old piece named Jonathan Brinklin. Jonathan is the son of the founder of Subaru America and a partner in Spin, a ping-pong club in NYC that Susan is an investor in.

You know, whenever I read about ping-pong, my gutter brain immediately flashes to the scene from Priscilla, Queen of the Desert where that hot bitch Cynthia launches a ping pong ball out of her poon. Please tell me that's how Susan and her boy toy play ping pong on Sunday nights. Maybe Susan can schedule a couples match with Vadge and Baby Jesus?

Anyway, some source tells Gawker that Susan has made Jonathan her full-time ping pong poon partner. But Susan's rep shot this rumor down by saying, "The rumors are absolutely untrue. Susan's relationship with Jonathan Bricklin is strictly a business one."

Maybe Susan's spokesbitch is telling the truth. Because after watching this interview with the long-lost Jonas Brother, I'm not sure if he plays ping pong on Susan's team. Jonathan's peek-a-boo lisp made my ass twitch.

Just the other day I was watching Mary J. Blige sing on some holiday special and I thought to myself how she must have mastered the art of keeping the fuckery in her pockets, because I never hear rumors about her ass. Well, I thought too soon.

The New York Daily News says that at the launch party for her new CD at club M2 in NYC on Tuesday night, Mary got the spirit of Elin Nordegren in her hands when she laid a smack down on her husband for keeping his eyes fixed on a cocktail waitress' goods. After Mary smacked her bitch up, she apparently warned him not to return the favor.

A witness-type said, "Mary hauled off and smacked him. She said, 'You ain't going to go Chris Brown on me, are you?'"

One of Mary's friends laughed off the claims by sayings h8ers got 2 h8, "Haters must have misunderstood a joke Mary and Kendu were sharing."

A JOKE?! This would only be a laughing matter if Mary was riding on a Roomba and Kendu wore an argyle sweater.

Courtney Love must have been reading White Oprah's "What Makes A Good Mother," because she believes that she's a regular June Cleaver. Courtney recently said this to Spinner (via Page Six), "As a little dainty, beautiful baby I just worshipped her, but now she's at an age where we fight, where sometimes she hates me, sometimes I get really mad at her. It's like, 'Oh you must be a bad mother,' No, I'm not a bad mother. I'm a very good mother"

Yeah, because nothing says "Mother of the Year" like a restraining order wrapped up with a Christmas bow on top.

And yesterday, TMZ posted another glittery item on Courtney's good mom resume. Apparently, lawyers in the custody case between Court and 17-year-old Frances Bean asked a judge to seal documents about domestic abuse allegations. The documents state, "In this proceeding, every document reveals details of Frances's (sic) relationship with her mother." They also want Frances' medical records sealed shut.

We don't know the details about these alleged abuse allegations, but I don't like where this is heading. It's like the soup kitchen version of Mommie Dearest. Even if Courtney didn't Joan Crawford Frances Bean, living with her crazy ass full-time would cause anyone to commit an act of domestic abuse on themselves! Just reading Court's Facebook rants makes me want to punch myself in the eyeball.

Not to be outwhored, Grandpa Tequila demonstrated that he is also fully capable of sucking down long black one-headed snakes as well and take photos of it for the wide world web. - sushi

Runners-up:

In this year's Christmas show, the Bible Camp decided to put on a production of what happened when Adam took Satan up on the offer to eat his apple. - ReallyNow

George Takai's honeymoon photos get leaked to TMZ - fleawatch

Don't ya hate when your New Years noisemaker doesn't roll up again after you blow it? - OurMissC

via Telegraph (Thanks Lisa)

Angela Sims-Quinty of Cypress, Texas

This is a beautiful and inspirational love story about a woman's unconditional devotion to her one true soulmate: a hamburger from Krystal. It will tug at your heart strings like a cardiac arrest.

When Angela moved to Houston from Memphis, the one thing she missed the most was the greasy orgasm in a patty known as a Krystal hamburger. Then a couple of years ago, Angela was driving along the highway when she saw it. SHE SAW IT! A bright shiny new Krystal's! The angels screamed (or maybe that was her arteries weeping). If you can't relate, then think about this. What if you were driving along the freeway and you came across a tower of dildos, or a waterfall of vodka, or a gigantic drive-thru bong. Yes, Angela's Jerusalem is a Krystal's.

Angela had this to say about the day her life changed completely, “I started crying. Really, literally crying. You can ask my husband. He was my fiancé then, and we were driving so I could try on my wedding dress. Finding that Krystal's was total serendipity. We stopped and ate a bunch of burgers. They were exactly as I remembered them. Now my husband is a convert, too. We make the 30-mile round trip a few times a month to eat Krystal's."

After Angela devoured Krystal's entire stock, had a heart attack and returned home from the hospital, she wrote Krystal's home office a love letter.

The home office was so moved by Angela's letter that they decided to induct her into the Krystal Lovers Hall of Fame (aka Hillbilly Heaven)! On January 8, Angela and 40 of her friends will have a party at the Krystal's in Houston where a burger box featuring her face on it will be revealed! And for the next 30 days after that, Angela's precious face and story will be on every burger box at every single Krystal's.

Angela already gave her acceptance speech, “I'd like to thank my husband, Daniel, my daughter Shelby and son Killian for supporting my Krystal's addiction. I couldn't have done it without them.”

And here I was thinking that there was no way in animal-style hell that I would every fulfill my dream of having my ass cheeks on every In 'N Out wrapper from here to Phoenix. I've got some writing to do!

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