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The Grammy nominations were announced tonight, and Kim Zolciak's name was more than just tardy for the party. It was straight-up ABSENT from the party. The song of this generation was completely snubbed by those bitches. Tardy for the Party should have been nominated in every single category from Song of the Year to the Best Recording by a Wild Animal. Shit, they could've even nominated her in the Spoken Word categories since she didn't sing any of that shit!

Ugh. Whose dick does Kim have to suck to get a Grammy nomination?! No, that was a serious question, because she really will do it. Kim will even suck a dick for an invite to a Grammy viewing party in the parking lot of a Big Lots.

But seriously, I know the Grammy voters aren't wig haters, because Beyonce was nominated for 10 awards! Kim's song must have been way too artistic and musically complicated for the mainstream Grammys. Yeah, that's the reason.

Here's some of the nominations. Beyonce got 10, Taylor Swift followed with 8, and the Black Eyed Peas, Maxwell and Kanye West each got 6. Again, Kim Zolciak got ZERO. ILLEGAL!

SONG OF THE YEAR
Beyonce - "Single Ladies"
Lady Gaga - "Poker Face"
Maxwell - "Pretty Wings"
Kings of Leon - "Use Somebody"
Taylor Swift - "You Belong With Me."

ALBUM OF THE YEAR
Beyonce - "I Am ... Sasha Fierce"
Black Eyed Peas' "The E.N.D."
Lady Gaga - "The Fame"
Taylor Swift - "Fearless"
Dave Matthews Band - "Big Whiskey and the GrooGrux King."

RECORD OF THE YEAR
Beyonce - "Halo"
Black Eyes Peas - "I Gotta Feeling"
Kings of Leon - "Use Somebody"
Lady Gaga - "Poker Face"
Taylor Swift - "You Belong With Me"

BEST NEW ARTIST
Zac Brown Band
Keri Hilson
MGMT
Silversun Pickups
The Ting Tings

BEST ROCK ALBUM
AC/DC - "Black Ice"
Eric Clapton & Steve Winwood - "Life from Madison Square Garden"
Green Day - "21st Century Breakdown"
Dave Matthews Band - "Big Whiskey and the GrooGrux King"
U2 - "No Line on the Horizon."

BEST POP PERFORMANCE BY A DUO OR GROUP WITH VOCALS
Black Eyed Peas' "I Gotta Feeling"
Bon Jovi - "We Weren't Born to Follow"
The Fray - "Never Say Never"
Daryl Hall and John Oates' "Sara Smile"
MGMT - "Kids"

Click here for the full list.

Unfortunately for LiLo, she was licking on the wrong kind of Cash. UsWeekly (via Jezebel) is adding '"dick snatcher" to Lindsay Lohan's already impressive resume, because they claim she flicked tongues and bumped gums with MiserAlba's husband Cash Warren.

A witness said that on November 19 at Villa in West Hollywood, LiLo and Cash strolled into the joint with friends. After about 30 minutes, the two started mouth fucking in the darkness. The witness went on to say, "It was raw. They were not shy."

I'm a little concerned that LiLo was partaking in a bareback make-out session. LiLo should always put two condoms on her tongue whenever she kisses on a bitch. And she should probably only do shit like that in the safety of a quarantine tent while two members of Hazmat supervise.

But LiLo tells UsWeekly that their witness must have assholes for eyes, because she would never get down like that with a married man. She said that they are just friends and working on a TV project together.

In all honestly, I doubt this is true. As far as I know, Cash Warren has not turned into a pile of dust. MiserAlba's bitchface of destruction can do that. MiserAlba doesn't need to pick up a golf club to destroy a bitch. Elin Nordegren should take lessons from her.

In the new issue of OK! Magazine, they claim Stepford Katie has agreed to get sexy with a turkey baster filled with L. Ron Hubbard's frozen sperm as long as Tommy Girl puts $75 million in her piggy bank. Yeah, I don't know why the Scientology scientists have yet to find a way for Tommy Girl to carry his own spawn. I mean, he has the tits for it. But whatever.

According to some source, Stepford Katie plans to give Tommy a Scientology golden child sometime next year. The source went on to say a bunch of shit that really doesn't make sense, “She no longer feels like she’s just Mrs. Cruise. She’s her own person again. She and Tom have their disagreements, but deep down they love each other very much. That’s what is important.”

No, what's important is that he's giving her $75 million so that one day she can cleanse herself of his craziness in a tub full of liquid gold. You know what else is important? The fact that Suri isn't even mentioned in this article! Suri is the one who is sacrificing the most!

A baby will disturb Suri's beauty sleep, gnaw on her prized kitten heels, slobber all over her favorite lipsticks and steal from her stash of booze. Suri is the one who should be getting $75 million, because a stupid baby is going to RUIN HER LIFE!

P.S. - Nicole Kidman needs to stop. We don't care that the burrito she ate is giving her the farts.

Some grownups enjoy a game of dress up now and then. This popular actor, though, takes it to a whole new level. When you spend the night with him, you’d better have some serious wardrobe changes available. His current favorite is “The Skier and The Pool Boy”. His attire? Just a grape smuggler, a pair of flip flops, and a leaf skimmer. If you’re his date, however, be prepared to dress in full ski gear, including ski boots, ski goggles, and mittens. Oh, and those last three items have to be kept on during the entire evening. He really likes to see the goggles get fogged up. (Blind Gossip)

This one is vague, so I'm just going to list all the popular actors I'd like to see smuggle their grapes (or mangoes in some of their cases): Alan Arkin, James Franco, Idris Elba, Alexander Skarsgard, Neil Patrick Harris, Taye Diggs, Mark Ruffalo or George Takei?

This A list female country singer just keeps on winning people over. At a recent event a paraplegic teenager in a wheelchair had been waiting with his mom for about two hours so he could meet his favorite singer and get her autograph and hopefully a picture with her. Well, after the event, the singer came by and said, "Don't you look cute in that chair." The teenager then asked for the singer's autograph and she said, "Oh sorry, not today, I'm too tired, but I hope you feel better soon." She then walked away. (CDAN)

Kellie "Calamari" Pickler?

Which singer is less of a gentleman than he seems? He hits the red carpet with gorgeous gals while hiding his real girlfriend — because she’s a stripper. (Star Magazine via Blind Gossip)

John Mayer? And she prefers to be called a freelance pole ballerina.

We don’t want to come off as judgmental, but this item seems a little on the ‘taking advantage’ side. This baby mama of a B/C lister has signed up for a Christmas charity for the third year in a row. Not signed up to donate, but to receive- as in getting new bikes, clothes, toys etc. for her little ones. We’re not sure if she needs it or if she’s taking advantage, but we do know the daddy seems to have plenty of money. Makes you wonder….. Not Jude Law. (BuzzFoto)

One of Lil' Wayne's baby mamas? Or Eddie Cibrian's estranged wife?

Which über famous Hollywood actor and actress regularly get together in secret? Not to make sweet love, but to indulge in a 24 hour pills 'n' coke bender? Although both of these people look as though they take themselves far far too seriously in the acting world, in private they like nothing more than getting completely ripped to the tits. The woman goes even further and holds regular coke parties at her house. The last one saw her throwing out 20 guests at 11am - she thoughtfully handed each of them a sleeping pill as they left. (Holy Moly!)

Keira Knightley and Anthony Hopkins? Or Judi Dench and Leonard DiCaprio? Or Natalie Portman and Sean Penn? Or all of them?

IN THIS ECONOMY, Clayton Homes knows very well that you aren't going to buy an entire mobile home without getting something in return. That's why they have put together an offer you cannot refuse. If you buy a modular, manufactured or mobile home from Clayton before New Year's Eve, they will give you an entire can of Van Camp's Pork & Beans! That's a 60 cent value!

The offer isn't anywhere on Clayton's website, but it is currently running on The Columbia Daily Herald's website.

Hopefully Clayton's mobile homes come with indoor plumbing. Because once you devour that entire can of pork & beans (with bits of a Slim Jim for extra protein) and wash it down with a plastic cup filled with Meister Brau, you're going to need a toilet bad.

If this still doesn't make any sense to you, just think of it like this.... If you buy a can of pork & beans for $50,000, you'll get an entire mobile home for free! A STEAL!

via Consumerist (Thanks Jessica)

Katie Price hit the Morgan Awards in London last night. Then she hit the bottle, then she hit the floor, then she hit the bottle, then she hit the toilet, then she hit the bottle, then she hit a dick, then she hit the bottle, then she hit the Polident, then she hit the bottle, then she hit a pool of rotten oranges, then she hit the bottle, then she hit Tiger Woods, then she hit the bottle, then she hit a family of beavers, then she hit the bottle, then she hit a funeral table skirt, then she hit the bottle....

QUICK! Take the baton. It's your turn. We can do this all fucking day.

The Photoshop Awards: Lady CaCa's "Second Coming Of Vadge" cover for Elle - WOW Report

Brit Brit is the epitome of luxury as always - Popsugar

It's amazing what a good photographer, a sober Photoshop team, bright lights and an animal wrangler can do - Egotastic!

Sophie Monk looks different in the face - Hollywood Tuna

Meet on the lanai, Chris Colfer. You're going to pay for this one. - Towleroad

Oh, I see Dr. 90210 has been studying Chicken Cutlets' Guide to Famewhoring (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Rachel Bilson will be getting a call from Tommy Girl very soon - Just Jared

Hugh Jackman's daughter's eyes are going to stay that way forever. Seriously, my abuelita told me that and she doesn't play around - SOW

Dear Asshole Simpson, Shelley Duvall's hair in The Shining only worked for Shelley Duvall in The Shining - Hollywood Rag

Cindy Crawford gets nekkid a lot - Cityrag

But what we really want to know is if 50 Cent has ever laid eyes on Vivica Fox's elusive hairline? - Socialite Life

Taylor Momsen ain't got no pants on - ICYDK

Casey Johnson just wanted to leave her (pussy) mark - Celebitchy

Jessica MiserAlba was almost Farrah MiserAlba - I'm Not Obsessed

Rest in peace, Maggie Jones - Holy Moly!

Glamberace, Alien Princess RiRi, Shakira and Lady CaCa all had new albums last week, but Susan Boyle showed all of those little bitches how a true gangsta really does it! Pebbles' favorite vato sold 701,000 copies of her debut cover album "I Dreamed a Dream." This gave her the #1 album of the week and also the biggest chart debut of the year.

Now you know why your cat was rifling through your purse. That pussy was fishing for a bill, so it could go out and support its QUEEN! And Jennifer Aniston's friends and family are all getting a copy of their Christmas stocking, because cat ladies got to stick together.

Here's The Top 10 albums of the week according to Billboard:

1. SuBo - I Dreamed A Dream - 701,000
2. Andrea Boccelli - My Christmas - 218,000
3. Glamberace - For Your Entertainment - 198,000
4. RiRi - Rated-R - 181, 000
5. Lady CaCa - The Fame Monster (EP) - 174,000
6. Lady CaCa - The Fame - 151,000
7. Miley Cyrus - The Time Of Our Lives - 150,000
8. Taylor Swift - Fearless - 125,000
9. Carrie Underwood - Play On - 124,000
10. Norah Jones - The Fall - 110,000
15. Shakira - She Wolf - 89,000

Picture this. At Butter in NYC on Monday night, Lindsay Lohan and her former partner in pussy SamRo didn't arrive together and sat at opposite sides of the room. LiLo sat with John Mayer while SamRo kept her distance. They acknowledged each other's presence, but SamRo never tried to talk to LiLo. This gave LiLo the sads and it didn't take long for her to barf out her sorrows into John Mayer's ear.

Some witness-type told Gatecrasher, "Lindsay looked upset that Sam hadn't come over to her, and she started whispering to John, who looked like he was trying to calm her down. She looked pretty angry. Then John got up and went to talk to Sam."

John's words must have soothed SamRo like a warm vibrator, because she got up and strolled on over to LiLo's table. SamRo and LiLo spent the rest of the night laughing and talking. They didn't leave together, but the police weren't called and no one get shanked in the face, so they ended on a good note.

John Mayer shouldn't go around bragging that he's The Dyke Whisperer, because I doubt his words had any effect on SamRo. The truth is, John's overpowering yeast infection breath made SamRo realize that she misses LiLo a little.

"You may now update your Facebook statuses!" - Wedding officiants of the future

When Tracy Page (the groom) and Dana Hanna were declared husband & wife, he didn't stick his tongue in her mouth hole like he was supposed to. Instead, he whipped out his PDA, and updated his Facebook and Twitter status. If I was Dana, I would've taken out my own PDA, changed my Facebook status to "looking for hard dick" and Twittered "I QUIT THIS BITCH." But instead, Dana followed Tracy's lead and also posted about their wedding on Twitter.

You know, this right here is the future. It won't be long before we'll do everything through our Facebook statuses. We'll get married, we'll get divorced, we'll suck dick, we'll beat bitches with golf clubs, etc...etc..

And I bet that on his wedding night, Tracy Tweeted: "Um. Which vagina hole does the penis go into?"

via Buzzfeed