Gis Bundchen and Tom Brady brought home one those baby things last week, but they didn't settle on a name until recently. Tom told a bunch of reporters that Gis couldn't make up her mind.
Well, Gis finally decided what name to write down on the birth certificate and it is (cue anticlimactic drum roll)....Benjamin Brady! Yeah, after all that and she comes up with some BENJAMIN BRADY'S shit.
Gis probably doesn't know this yet, but that name is meant to be pronounced in a terrible Southern accent (ala Cate Blanchett). Like this: Beeeeeeeenjahmun Braaaaaydeh. I don't know if that's what Gis was going for, but that's how I read it. Hopefully, Benjamin Brady doesn't have a face like Pepaw Baby Pitt.
People don't invite me to see performance art anymore, because I embarrass them by either laughing until my palm is full of saliva, or crying until my palm is full of saliva. Basically, I end up with a palm full of saliva in a room filled with clothed people who are trying to have a serious moment. That's not a good combination.
You can guess what emotion I went through while watching the video above. I'll let these key words serve as a hint: Hannah Montana towel, ginger, doody-looking chocolate (or is it chocolate-looking doody?), plastic roses, bat wing hoodie, and candles.
I thought I was already mentally unstable, but this drove me over the edge without a parachute. Someone needs to be jailed for this. I nominate Billy Ray.
This is the confirmation of confirmations that gingers are having the worst month ever. It's also the confirmation of confirmations that the Internet is having the worst life ever.
If you've got a chill in your butt bones, simply warm them up on this tantalizing picture of Carrot Top. And if your nalgas don't get as toasty as one of Paris Hilton's crotch warts, there's a good chance they will go numb from being exposed to THAT FACE. Either way, you beat the chill!
Anyway, here's more of Bronzer Bottom with some ho ho hos at a screening for Avatar in Las Vegas yesterday. Do you think that while watching Avatar Carrot Top realized that those blue creaturelings look more human and life-like than he does?
And just for the record, I still would. Shameful.
Everyone knows about this delightful action star’s relationship with the head of his company and that his wife isn’t really his lover. But the boyfriend is jealous and overprotective and now his hiring practices are raising some eyebrows. He will not hire anyone prettier/hunkier/more stylish than he is for fear of tempting his famous partner. (Lainey Gossip)
My first thought was Tommy Girl, but his business partner looks like this. Nothing breaks a TG boner like a lady person. So I'll guess either Hugh Jackmeoff and John Palermo? Or Will Smith?
This might just be a first. This C list movie actress who has fallen from grace was seeing a guy on and off about six months ago. He wasn't the only person she was dating but he is for sure the one who got her pregnant. Not for the first time our actress had a procedure and she was no longer pregnant. Fast forward to three weeks ago when a sister of our actress had the same procedure and it was the result of her being with the same guy who had impregnated our actress. (CDAN)
They need to go on Jerry Springer right now.
Which recently singled douchebag’s publicist has been calling every tabloid begging them to print his version of the breakup in order to protect his ego? The rep has been desperately trying to play competing publications against each other to make sure his client comes out of it with his penis size preserved which only reinforces the widely held belief that his client is a giant prick – in personality, and not necessarily in his pants. (Lainey Gossip)
This blind item smells like ass pimple puss, so I'll go with A-Roid?
This a traditional “shopping” weekend for this established celebrity couple. She will likely be combing the aisles of every exclusive store, looking for that perfect flat panel TV or watch or digital camera or set of golf clubs for him. He will be busy too, but not in the way you think.
Since he must keep up appearances by spending the holiday with his family, his boyfriend gets this weekend. Our star will be very busy instructing him on how to properly unwrap and handle his gift. Don’t worry about her, though. His assistant will pick out a very nice gift for her – as is done every year – and she will feign excitement over her gift and their lovely and picture-perfect Christmas. We can’t wait for the photos of the whole family gathered around the tree, smiling, smiling, smiling. Fake, fake, fake! (Blind Gossip)
SJP and Ferris Bueller?
Beyonce fever sounds like something you get when wearing a wig too long - Just Jared
Ever wanted to know what Spencer Twatt looks like topless and in bikini briefs? Well, this is the next worst thing - Hollywood Tuna
How many copies of Photoshop did Playboy burn through while retouching Tara Reid's pictures? - Egotastic!
Pony toe - Holy Moly!
This is exactly how I want to remember Khloe Kardashian (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather
Jennifer Aniston's got another hit on her chin (sarcasm) - Lainey Gossip
LiLo and Leo party together again - Popsugar
Jude Law forgot (or doesn't want to remember) that he has four kids - ICYDK
Oh, George Clooney, we know you would rather get a prostrate exam on live television by a guy with very cold hands than do ANYTHING else - Hollywood Rag
The bath houses of Spain will miss Tommy - I'm Not Obsessed
Jessica Simpson better keep the sacred word "cholita" out of her mouth and Twitter! - Celebitchy
Double the Fishy is a night terror come to life - Cityrag
Entertainment Weekly's Best & Worst - Popbytes
Shane Sparks, a judge on America's Best Dance Crew and a guest choreographer on So You Think You Can Dance?, was arrested early this morning for allegedly committing acts of child touching. The District Attorney's office in Los Angeles filed
9 8 counts of child molestation charges against Shane.
According to documents obtained by TMZ, the child touching allegedly began in 1994. Shane is accused of committing lewd acts upon an underage girl who was at least 10 years younger than him. The documents state Shane was born in 1969 (his Wikipedia bio says 1974), so he was 25 at the time. That means the girl was 15-years-old or younger. (Insert a Mary Murphy scream of horror here)
Shane is currently being held on $590,000 bail.
Shane isn't the only SYTYCD choreographer that has been accused of not keeping his hands to himself. Alex Da Silva was arrested in April for allegedly raping 4 of his dance students.
Um. The producers of SYTYCD need to make Chris Hansen a regular judge from now on.
If even the thought of Baby Alive keeps you up at night, then take a peek at this Japanese baby simulator that is bound to be the star of many nightmares. Yotaro is his name and causing terror is his game!
Not only does Yotaro cry real tears, but he also reacts to human interaction. Among other things.
You know, creating something like this does make sense. Personally, I think that bitches should have to successfully care for Yotaro before they get the OK to procreate. But I don't know anybody who would put this thing in their house. Can you imagine trying to close your eyes at night when you've got Yotaro in the next room? That's a horror movie waiting to happen.
And don't be surprised if you see Stepford Katie pushing Yotaro down the street in a stroller. Suri will get a playmate!
The Sherlock Holmes premiere was last night in NYC, and this is what Blake Lively wore to that shit.
My space heater is on blast, I've got two pairs of socks on my feet, a heating pad is shoved up in my crack and I'm still cold. So I have to bow down to Blake Lively for not letting something called "weather" fuck with her tramping it up on the red carpet.
I'm sure Blake's vagina is blowing steam and her nipples might have already fell off due to frostbite, but WHO CARES! Cameras are flashing and Blake has a show to put on! Don't let some stupid Snow Miser shit get in the way of you showcasing those chichis!
Other hos, who obviously don't have Blake's dedication, at the premiere were: Jude Law, Robert Downey Jr., Rachel McAdams, Guy Ritchie and Rocco Ritchie.
Remember Jon & Kate? We've all been fucked so hard in the eye hole with Tiger news that our brains ejaculated every memory we ever had of those two. Well, in case you do remember them, you should know that they are now officially officially OFFICIALLY divorced. You might want to put a padlock on your trash cans and keep ear plugs on your nightstand, because the possums will be partying tonight!
Kate's lawyer tells TMZ that the child army will stay at their compound with her. Jon will get visitation rights. Kate also added, "I am very relieved that our divorce has been finalized, and I look forward to the New Year, focusing on our children."
Unfortunately, our national nightmare is not over. Apparently, Jon has been hit with a 5-figure monthly child support payment that he can't pay due to TLC blocking him from working the famewhore stroll. And you know Kate is going to send her mob of rabid possums after him if he's even ten-seconds late on his payment.
That means you might find Jon begging for a coin in front of your local Rite-Aid. That will ruin your day faster than a genital wart. Or worse, don't be surprised if you see him shaking those titties at a strip club for a warm dollar.
When it comes to the Gosselins, we all lose.
Christmas is really the time for giving....and for posing in photo-ops. SanToya Claus conquered both of those things yesterday afternoon when she visited the children at AIDS Project L.A.
Thankfully, SanToya didn't get the kids satin ass floss and nipple pasties from Frederick's of Hollywood. Although, I wouldn't have been mad if she passed out pairs of exquisite lucite heels since you're never too young to learn the power of lucite.
SanToya also gave APLA a giant check for $10,000. Hmmm. Everybody should take cover, because that big ass check is going to cause some serious damage when it bounces back.