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Maybe it's because I'm slightly more delusional than normal since I'm only operating on 15 hours of sleep this week (that's not a lot for someone who is naturally reeeeeaaaally lazy), but RiRi's video for "Hard" made me think of Private Benjamin.

And then I got to thinking about how this video would've given my soul a boner ("So Hard" indeed) if Goldie Hawn was the one wearing a Mickey Mouse helmet on her head while grabbing at her vag bone. We're going to need a sequel, Private Benjamin: SO HARD.

This A list actor has always dated the most beautiful girls in the world. These girls are his beards. He actually prefers skinny boys. His latest flame is a boy who was involved in a European scandal involving starlets, drugs and high class prostitution. Scandal Boy recently shipped out to Los Angeles so that he could be at the beck and call of our actor. (Blind Gossip)

The "shipped" part makes me think it's either Leonardo DiCapiro (King of the Woooorld) or cocktail waitress collector George Clooney? Obviously, I need to split my time at Lakers games and Lake Como, Italy. I also need to only eat ice chips and chia seeds from now on.

This Former American Idol has fallen into a very bad habit. Very bad indeed. Not only are they heavily into drugs (which really isn’t a secret), we’ve heard a rumor that they are now selling themselves to get money to pay for the drugs. Very sad. Not Katharine McPhee. (BuzzFoto)

Sanjaya, obviously. Or Nikki McKibbin?

This B- list actress from a show that was recently dropped is engaged. The thing is though no paps or tabloids care enough to actually ask her anything about it. This is just not acceptable to her so she has personally started telling every pap she runs into about her engagement but they still don't care to write about it or mention it. This is a direct result of her always being difficult to them in the past so they don't feel like doing her any favors. (CDAN)

Mischa Barton and someone with a penis? Or Eliza Dushku and Rick Fox?

Do not watch this trailer if: a) You are a fan of The Runaways. or b) You want to punch something every time you witness Kristen Stewart licking her lips like she's got a fat cooch in her face.

Because in this 0:49 teaser trailer for The Runaways movie, Kristen managed to get a lip lick in. THAT BITCH! If her lips are dry, she should mouth fuck a jar of Vaseline. Did she take acting lessons from Jenna Jameson, because the she only acts with her lips and tongue.

via Best Week Ever

22-year-old Kevin Jonas will trade in his purity ring for a wedding ring this weekend when he marries Chinmeister from the Bad Girls Club former hairdresser Danielle Deleasa this weekend on Long Island. Radar says that the two, who got engaged this past July, will get married at a friend's estate on Saturday.

If this isn't the gay one (I get them all confused), then the preacher might as well change "You may now kiss the bride" to "You may now bone the bride," because Kevin will have his pants off before the ceremony ends. Instead of throwing rice, Kevin's peen will throw coagulated jizz at his bride.

And if Kevin is the gay one, then I hope Danielle doesn't take it too personally when he locks himself in the bathroom on his wedding night. I also hope she brings a rabbit with her just in case.

A drunk crossdressing 4-year-old broke into a neighbor's house and stole their Christmas presents on Tuesday morning in Chattanooga, TN. File this under: What would happen if I ever raised a kid. You can also cross-file it under: Might be a Spears.

It all started when 4-year-old Hayden Wright got a little thirstay in the early morning hours on Tuesday. Hayden went to the kitchen and opened up the refrigerator. Since nothing quenches the thirst of a 4-year-old like a cold beer, he grabbed one out of the fridge, opened it up and took a few sips. After he got a little of the sweet nectar in his system, Hayden was ready to party like Eddie Murphy so he headed for the next door neighbor's house.

Hayden got into the neighbor's house through an unlocked door and immediately noticed a bunch of presents under the Christmas tree. The presents must have called his name, because Hayden opened up five of them. One of the presents he opened up was a purdy brown dress, so naturally, Hayden slipped it on. You know, I'm beginning to think that I magically became a 4-year-old and transported to Tennessee on Tuesday without knowing it.

After Hayden put on the dress, he went to another neighbor's house and rang the door bell a few times. That neighbor called the police. The police found Hayden wandering the streets in the brown dress while drinking the beer. Hayden and his 21-year-old mother April were taken to the local hospital.

April said that Hayden's father is in jail, so he might have been trying to get arrested so he could go be with him. ACK! And suddenly this story took a turn to SADSVILLE.

Child Protective Services met with April yesterday and said they have no plans to take custody away from her. TLC also met with April and says they have serious plans to make Hayden a reality TV star. I made that last part up, but it will probably turn out to be true.

Source (Thanks Taylor)

Losing custody of her daughter, going crazy on Facebook and flashing her nipples in a magazine... It's just another week in the life of Courtney Love - Egotastic!

LiLo has the runs - Hollywood Tuna

This billboard didn't get me thinking about Christmas, but it did get me thinking about Joseph's peen size - Towleroad

If Chupa took off her goggles, she'd see how fugly Demi's dress is - Popsugar

Shia LaDouche and Carey Mulligan are up to something - Lainey Gossip

Don't worry Peta, Kimora's jacket is made out of shavings from her back hair - Hollywood Rag

Speaking of shaving, here's Brody Jenner sunning his razor pimples in Hawaii - Just Jared

Ginger Spice looks hot (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

St. Angie didn't try to off herself. The ambulance was only there because a neighbor mistook Billy Goat Brad for a sickly homeless drifter again - Celebitchy

Hugh Jackman's AAAAAARRRRMMMMS - ICYDK

Pamela Anderson celebrated her riveting portrayal of a slutty genie by going to dinner - Holy Moly!

The SAG Award nominations - Socialite Life

Santa scares children - Cityrag

This picture needs less Tyra - I'm Not Obsessed

Around this time last year, RuPaul transformed herself into Michelle and Barack Obama. This year, Ru picked up some glasses at Costco and slipped on a Land's End windbreaker to channel Sarah Palin for a promo shot for RuPaul's Drag Race (premieres Feb. 1st on Logo).

Hopefully, this means that Ru is going to RuPaul-ize some of Palin's catchphrases on the show. I'm thinking something like: "I can see that tuck from my house!"

In a new interview with Playboy, P. Doody continues to prove that he's a legend in his own mind by claiming he helped get Obama elected and was almost involved in a relationship with some famous chick that would've "shaken up the world."

Instead of doing this interview, Diddy should've just released a picture of himself jacking off in front of a mirror. Every single one of Diddy's quotes is just another self-made orgasm. The interviewer was probably drowning in Diddy jizz (aka the secret ingredient in Ciroc) by the time they were finished.

Get ready for your daily eyeball aerobics:

Diddy on hip-hop helping Obama get elected: "I think we are probably responsible for Obama being in office, yes. If nobody else is gonna say it, then I’m gonna say it. The confidence, the swagger we instilled in our communities made that possible."

Diddy on trying to lose his v-card when he was 7: "I tried to lose my virginity when I was seven years old. I was on top of a girl who was nine or 10, but it didn’t happen—so everybody doesn’t have to bug out. My mother and the babysitter whipped my ass, but it didn’t knock me off my mission."

Diddy on losing his virginity when he was 13: "When I was 13, and I felt I was a porno star because I’d been watching porn for so long. In the Bronx you could get a hotel for an hour. I always had $20 or $30 to take a chick to a hotel. I’m proud to say I love sex. You might catch me in a porn store at any given moment—it ain’t nothing I’m ashamed of. If they start sending freaks to jail, I’m guilty as charged."

Diddy on his 30-hour fuck sessions: "I’m not exaggerating. When I heard about Sting doing it, I thought, Yo, is this possible? I studied up on the breathing techniques and the focus. Now I think to myself, I cannot believe I’ve been going this long! [laughs] Night is turning into day and I’m still goin’ at it."

Diddy on being with just one woman: "It’s hard. I’m going to say, for any woman trying to please me, that is a real tall order. She has to have poise. She has to be classy. But when we get in that bedroom she got to turn me out, Jack. She has to put a porno to shame and she’s got to be sexually open."

Diddy on the relationship that would've CHANGED THE WORLD!!!: "Yeah, there was a young lady who’s an actress. She’s famous. I liked her, so I was willing to do whatever I had to do. I told her, 'I will sneak up the side of the building to see you.' I was persistent. We started spending time together, but we were prisoners of our celebrity. She took me to dinner after we got to know each other and hit me with a line that was straight out of the movies. She said, 'You know this will never work, right?' I knew she was right."

Diddy on if this unnamed celebrity was Sienna Miller: "It wasn’t her. This was going to shake up the world. It would have been a Puff and J. Lo situation, part two."

Over at Celebitchy, they seem to think this mysterious celebwhore is Cameron Diaz. But personally, I think it was just Diddy in a blonde wig. You know he role-plays with himself.

While Kourtney Kardashian is desperately trying to find the "sleep mode" button on her brand new baby boy, some model-type has come forward claiming that he could be her son's real biological father. Before you ask yourself who in the fuck would ever admit to that, you should know that this model/rapper goes by the stage name "Premo Stallone." Yes, a dude who gets his stage name from the Jersey Shore Nickname Generator is exactly the kind of bitch who will admit to being the father of a Kardashian baby.

Premo (real name: Michael Girgenti) tells Star Magazine that he had a down low affair with Kourtney while she was broken up with her Patrick Bateman wannabe boyfriend, Scott Dickhead. Kourtney has always claimed that Scott is the father, but one of her friends said, "Kourtney hooked up with Michael twice while she and Scott were on the outs. He's definitely been mentioned as a possibility for being the father of her baby."

When Star asked Premo if there's a possibility that he made a baby with Kourtney, he answered, "You could say that, yeah."

Didn't Premo Stallone and Kourtney get the catchy memo from Jacqueline Ray that STDs are on the run? Not only that, but the earth is rapidly losing all of its precious resources because of all those damn BABIES! They are sucking us dry!

Come over here, Premo Stallone! Hold real still while I permanently sew up your peen hole. Don't worry, I'll give it a little kiss aftewards. Well, he's kind of hot....even if he does have the name of a cologne sold at Walgreens.

Here's the trailer that made all nerds ruin their favorite pair of Transformers underoos last night. Okay, I'll admit that I too got the shivers from watching Mickey Rourke whip bitches with his taser arms. You know, I think Kate Gosselin's groomer also uses taser arms to style her rabid possum head.

I just have two gripes about this. First of all, this movie isn't going to feel as baby wipes fresh without Terrence Howard. Second of all, did Kim Zolciak serve as wig consultant on this movie?