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This afternoon, you might have wondered why your mouth spontaneously broke into a smile for absolutely no reason at all. Well, there was a beautiful reason. Michael Lohan was throw into a jail cell! When I first read that headline, it felt like the angels were blowing lucite dust into my eyes!

TMZ says that Michael was put into handcuffs after he violated a restraining order by calling his ex-fiancee Erin Muller. Erin took out a restraining order against him last May after Michael threatened to kill her and himself.

Michael was charged with criminal contempt for trying to communicate with Erin by phone. Don't expect to find that recording on Radar anytime soon.

Michael was released a few hours later. Yeah, the jail warden should've dipped Michael's cell key in Fluff and swallowed it. The jail warden let us down. Although, even if the jail warden did make the key disappear, Michael could've used his big ass jaw to chisel the bars off.

The NYC Health Department doesn't want even a single drop of sugary soda passing through your lips, so they are trying to scare you straight with this PSA featuring a dude drinking a giant glass of liquid fat. It's not working on me.

Yes, that mound of scrambled orange barf does look like something you'd find at the bottom of Lindsay Lohan's tub after her monthly bath. But if you fuck that thought out of your head, it kind of looks like a delicious cocktail.

It makes me want to take an entire can of fruit cocktail, dump it in a blender, add a whole bottle of Kamchatka Vodka and blend. Add five splashes of Mountain Dew before serving in a recycled Big Gulp cup. Delicious!

You can't convert me, NYCHD!

via Buzzfeed

It looks like this triple threat starlet (TT1) is heading to Broadway! The only problem is that her part would be opposite this triple threat pop star (TT2). That isn’t sitting well with the TT2’s family members, who refer to TT1 by several vulgar names. It’s actually rather funny when you consider that both TT1 and TT2 have been caught up in separate scandals over the past few years. Scandals aside, though, the TT2’s family should be more worried that TT1 will probably upstage TT2 when it comes to pipes and acting ability and sheer number of fans. Ho ho ho! (Blind Gossip)

Ashlee Simpson isn't even a single threat, but I'll guess her for TT2 since she's currently doing Chicago on Broadway. For TT1, I'll say LiLo, Kim Zolciak's wig or Hilary Duff?

This hip-hop ‘rapper’ is so confident of his moves in bed, he is currently in the process of having one trademarked. We kid you not, the man is trying to put a copyright on a sex move. He bragged to friends that once that is done, he plans to launch a whole marketing scheme around the name. Underwear line, men’s cologne, etc. No word yet on the name of the move (the celeb is keeping it super secret) but we’re currently trying to track down anyone who has had the pleasure(?) of experiencing the move firsthand so we can see if it is all it is cracked up to be. Not Sean John/Diddy/Puff DaddyCombs. (BuzzFoto)

This has Diddy written all over it, so I can't believe this isn't him. Sigh. I'll go with Sexy Spec from Pretty Ricky or Lil' Wayne. However, if it is Lil' Wayne, I don't think a cologne called "The Impregnator" is going to be a big seller.

If you were at The Mall Of America this weekend in Minneapolis you might have seen this very good looking B- list actor from one of those network initial shows. He was walking through the mall when a woman stopped him and asked our actor for his autograph. No problem. The actor obliged and even took a photo. So, where is the Jackass behavior? Well, the actor asked the woman what she was doing in the mall. What, is this like pick up time? Anyway, she pointed down to her 4 year old twins and said they were about to get in line to see Santa. The actor then bent down to the kids and said, "You should know by now there is no Santa." He then walked away. (CDAN)

Eddie Cibrian from CSI: Miami? Or Chris O'Donnell from NCIS: LA? Whoever it was just wanted someone to feel his pain, because he barely found out the truth about Santa Claus from the Gosselin children.

This one was a bit of a shocker to hear, but hey, it's Hollywood so I guess I shouldn't be surprised. This C list movie actress got her big break recently and on the set of her big break got involved with her married A list movie actor co-star. They have continued to see each other since shooting wrapped. (CDAN)

Mila Kunis and Denzel Washington (movie: Book of Eli)? Kelly Reilly and Robert Downey Jr. (movie: Sherlock Homeboy)? Or Eleanor and Alvin (movie: Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel)?

Birthday: 1922ish
Age: 87
Birth Name: Suzanne Somethingoranother

Original Date of HS of the Day: December 6, 2009
Claim to Fame: Suzanne is an actress, child tamer (more on that below), public speaker, socialite and the senior of all seniors. Suzanne was a well-known stage actress in Philadelphia before she married her now husband. Suzanne's husband is the founder of Comcast, so dude gave his lady her own talk show where she talks about oldies and all their problems.

Where is she now? Either annoying someone by spending hours unwrapping a piece of candy or taking a nap. That's how most memaws spend 90% of their day.

Why is she HS of the Week? It was between Suzanne and another Hot Slut, but then I read this in her bio and it sealed the deal.

A true pioneer, Suzanne has also received international recognition for her work with emotionally disturbed children. When, as a mother of five, she and her family spent a summer at a Navajo Reservation, she discovered special methods of communicating with hostile and withdrawn hospital patients.

You know she's slipping those people a little peyote. Suzanne has the touch.

A few days ago, there was a blind item from Star Magazine about some manwhore athlete who was sniffing on every vagina not belonging to his "A-list girlfriend." Well, I'm pretty sure that blind item is wrapped up now, because Hollywood Life has it on good authority that Kate Hudson is no longer licking on A-Rod's roid scars.

This past weekend, A-Roidy was spotted on the prowl in Miami. And while he was trying to bag vaginas in Miami, Kate Hudson was far away in NYC with her son. A source swears the two are "totally over."

Basically, Kate Hudson got played. Now that baseball season is over and the Yankees have won the World Series, there's no reason for A-Rod to keep her dwarf-looking ass around. A-Rod didn't quit her ass during the season, because he needed her to sit in the stands and slobber over him like a puppy to cat shit.

You know, they never made sense to me in the first place. Kate is so not A-Roid's type. I mean, he usually goes for bitches built like Wendy the Muscle Whippet.

17-year-old Frances Bean Cobain would be better off being raised by a Dream Cat Venus than Courtney Love, so a judge made the no-brainer decision to hand over guardianship of her to Kurt Cobain's mother and sister. This means that Courtney no longer has personal or financial control over her daughter.

Court lost custody of Frances Bean in 2003 after she broke into her ex-boyfriend's house on overdosed on painkillers. Court regained custody of Frances Bean in 2005.

TMZ reports that the latest guardianship was put into play on Friday. Kurt's mom and sister will only make decisions for Frances Bean. They won't have any control over Kurt's trust.

The court made the decision after monitoring Courtney's crazy ways for a while now. Although, all they really needed to do was spend two seconds with one of Courtney's eyelash-singeing Facebook rants.

And hopefully when Frances turns 18 a judge will bring down the gavel and make her Courtney's legal guardian. Shit, they should just do that now.

The Photoshop Awards: Lady CaCa & Cyndi Lauper's MAC ad - Towleroad

Cheryl Tweedy wearing some trampy Chun-Li shit - Hollywood Tuna

Miranda Kerr's giving the gift of her small ass on the cover of GQ Germany - Egotastic!

Ryan Gosling needs to wear less clothes - Lainey Gossip

Maybe Elin Nordegren's ring got stock up Tiger's ass? - Popsugar

Shakira looks like a Thundercat (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Catherine Zeta-Jones makes her Broadway debut - Just Jared

Tiger linked to AIDS - POZ

Joe McElderry won X-Factor - Holy Moly!

Leonardo DiCaprio and Bar Refaeli are fuck buddies again - ICYDK

Dear RDJ, The Queen is going to need her favorite Easter hat back before April - I'm Not Obsessed

Katie Price needs more orange - Hollywood Rag

Squinty Zellweger was way hotter in high school - SOW

17 butt ugly tattoos + 3 hairy butt ugly tattoos (- Cityrag

Ronnie Woods' toddler girlfriend calls him a goblin - Celebitchy

Maria Conchita Alonso is drinking while riding in the passenger seat - Socialite Life

There's a 99.9% chance that at least one of you drunks is related to Mindy Jones. Don't be embarrassed. Be proud, because Mindy Jones is representing the family name well!

Mindy was arrested twice in one night. Mindy was arrested the first time for suspicion of DUI. Mindy was arrested the second time for stealing an ambulance and taking it on a 50-mile joy ride.

It all started when Mindy was busted by Oklahoma police for boozing while driving. The cops took her down to the local hospital for a blood test. As soon as the nurse turned her back, Mindy escaped from the hospital and hijacked an ambulance that was parked outside. She drove for 50 miles while the police chased her ass. The chase ended on someone's lawn.

According to Mindy, she went to look for an "ex-boyfriend." Five shots says her ex-boyfriend's name is "Jim Beam."

When the local news station asked Mindy why she did it, the drunk bitch didn't even try to fake an apology. Mindy slurred (while the angels cried), "I had the ambulance and I had a pretty good time driving it."

Hood Rat Stuff is alive and well. Latarian Milton's influence continues to spread throughout the world. Touching, right?

The video of Latarian Milton's nanny doesn't embed, so click here to watch it.

via HuffPo

There's good news and horrific news. The good news it that we no longer have to hear every single gory detail about Kourtney Kardashian's adventures in pregnancy. The horrific news is that we now have to hear about her adventures in baby raising, because E! Online says that Kourtney and her asshole boyfriend Scott Disick are now parents to a baby boy. Kourtney's spokesbitch made the announcement just one hour after she gave birth. Doing it like a true famewhore does.

Kourtney and Scott's new son weighed in at 7 pounds, 6 ounces and he now goes by the name Mason Dash Disick. Or "You Poor Thing" to the rest of us. Dash isn't only the ham in Kourtney's last name, but it's also the name of the clothing store she owns with her family.

I really feel for Baby Dash Dick Stick. Kourtney is a dumb fuck, and Scott has roofie eyes, so I can't even imagine dealing with those two on a daily basis.

Baby Dash is probably trying to find a way to switch himself with a Baby Alive doll. If you see Kourtney on the cover of Life & Style with a Baby Alive, don't say SHIT. For the sake of Baby Dash's sanity, just let her believe!

Sienna Miller has cum full circle and I don't like it. You know, I was fine with Sienna Miller giving Jude Law's penis an encore. Sometimes, a slut's vagina just needs to reminiscence with old friends. This, I understand. But Sienna isn't keeping it at that. No, The Sun claims Sienna is about to make Jude her live-in dick. Why must the master slut shame us so?!

Some source explained it like this: "Last week they put the wheels in motion to live together again. They have told staff that they are in love and will be moving back to London in the spring and they will be living together as a couple once again."

What makes this especially hurtful is that Jude didn't know if he was ready to make Sienna his full-time fuck partner again. Sienna CONVINCED him. Thinking about Sienna on her knees, using her mouth to beg Jude to move in with her instead of using her mouth to lick on his peen lips is like a karate chop to my soul.

How is Sienna's bull dozer vagina going to destroy happy homes when she's got a b-b-b-b-b-b-boyfriend under her roof?! Sienna, think of your reputation.