Archives

Slutoween brought together CoCo (as CoCo goes to church) and RiRi (as a slutty Tony the Tiger) - Hollywood Tuna

Yeah, Brad Pitt as DJ Lance Rock might give you the tingles, but let's analyze that pink hanky hanging out if his pocket. Dildos or titty torture? - Popsugar

This will be the end of us: JUGGALO FURRIES - Videogum

Wild Things on the subway - Towleroad

Dora the Miserable Explorer (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

St. Angie owes her entire career to Veronica Sawyer - Just Jared

It probably makes Zac Efron a little sad that he no longer flip his hair as he glides through the airport - Lainey Gossip

If JLove had a monocle and a top hat, she'd be a perfect slutty Mr. Peanut - Egotastic!

Penny Cruz has breasts and here's 9 pictures proving that - Cityrag

Helena Christensen looks like Glamberace's rainbow hole just sneezed on her - Hollywood Rag

YES! Sienna Miller is free to prowl the street for promised peen again - Celebitchy

Mimi can't wink - SOW

Stepford Katie and Sookeh Iz Mine are doing a movie together - I'm Not Obsessed

A Whole New Whore - ICYDK

Heidi Klum is good at Halloween - Holy Moly!

Mo'Nique actually showed up to the Precious premiere - Socialite Life

Bai Ling probably didn't even know it was Halloween - Celebslam

And here's my favorite celebrity Halloween costume of the year. It's James Gandolfini trying desperately to give a fuck while out trick or treating with his son in NYC. James obviously tried hard since I'm sure it wasn't easy pulling that beat down Homer Simpson mask out from under a Hoarders' "safe pile." Although, James could have left the mask at home since he already has organic grouchface.

P.S. - I think the dog in the first thumbnail below agrees with me. Doggy is obviously screaming over joy at James' costume. Or maybe doggy is just overwhelmed by James' epic "gut over bagina."

Jeremy Piven needs to go back to the first grade so he can learn all about The Food Chart again, because dude does not know how to balance his diet. Jeremy already claims that eating too many sea kittens gave him Mercury Poisining. Now he's saying that drinking massive amounts of soy milk has given him a pair of luscious moobs.

Jeremy told STV (via Digital Spy), "I was the guy that dabbled in soya milk, but now I've found out soya milk has enough estrogen for me to grow breasts, I had to put the soya milk down. It was a very confusing time."

It's strange to me that Jeremy Piven would NOT want a pair of delectable titty sacks. I mean, that way he could grope a pair of breasts without being slapped or having to put a few hundred dollars on the nightstand. I don't believe he put down the soy milk.

You just know that Jeremy is secretly giving himself soy leche enemas and bathing in it whenever he can. Jeremy has found the FOUNTAIN OF CHICHIS and he's going to take complete advantage of it.

In other news, Christina Hendricks has just been announced as the official spokeschichis for soy milk.

Awwww. How touching. Doesn't this look like a still from a commercial for Summer's Eve? Look at Tommy Girl and Stepford Katie strolling arm-in-arm. Tommy is a little embarrassed to ask Stepford Katie if she's ever had that not so fresh feeling? Katie is one with that feeling since she's married to a gigantic used butt plug.

Here's Tommy and Katie spending some precious girl time together on the set of his movie in Boston yesterday. And by "girl time," I mean publicity time, of course. Although, I don't know if anyone told Tommy that Katie was going to touch him during their staged photo shoot. That wasn't in the script. Tommy looks a little confused and uncomfortable by the whole thing. I bet his sphincter got the shakes and then passed out.

VIA UsWeekly

At NYC's Jewish Center last night, Jon Grosselin and his new spiritual adviser (and fellow fame fucker) Rabbi Shmuley Boteach sat on thrones (THRONES) to discuss how he's beginning the road to redemption. Unfortunately, redemption is not a far off place where rabid possums devour used tampons whole. Darn.

Gawker says that they charged $20 at the door for this douche extravaganza! Think of all the things you could spend two tens on: a) a handjob and taint massage from the day-shift hooker of your choice b) a back alley colonic from a junkie with a wet vac or c) a date with Gary Coleman. All of those things sound more pleasant than sitting in the same room with Jon.

Anyway, here's what Jon had to say. Open your crotch up to get a good scrubbing:

Jon on fame: "I think I'm just misunderstood. I'm not a fame seeker. Everyday I look in the mirror and I wonder [why I'm famous]. I don't sing. I don't dance. I'm not a Nobel Peace Prizewinner. I just had eight kids and I had a show on TLC."

Let me stop him right there. NOT A FAME SEEKER? How did a trap door not open up when Jon said this while sitting on a throne......on stage....in front of an audience who paid $20 to hear him queef. Okay, carry on...

Jon on forgiveness: "It's hard for me because I can't forgive myself for the things I've done. So to ask for forgiveness from someone who may never forgive me is tough for me. I do apologize to Kate. I'm sorry for doing the things I did. I do ask for her forgiveness. I want to apologize to Kate in private. I'll apologize to her for openly having relationships in the public eye. That was a huge mistake, because if she would've done that to me, I would have been extremely pissed off. Not because our relationship is over, it's almost like a stab in the back. And now that I think about it, it was a very wrong thing to do. I definitely regret it."

Jon on Hailey Glassman: "We decided not to take a break, just slow things down, until I get through my divorce and I know everything is settled and okay. I don't want another failure in my relationships. I don't want to make the same mistakes I made with Kate, with Hailey. I would just be repeating the pattern over again."

My only question for Jon is where was his Ed Hardy yarmulke to cover up his bald spot? If you're going to do it, Jon. DO IT. Speaking of, I'm not Jewish, but I think I speak for all Jews when I say, "WE DON'T WANT YOU." Actually, I think I speak for the human race when I say, "WE DON'T WANT YOU."

If Gerard Slutler and HoHan are in a room together, you better believe that STD-infused saliva bombs will fly in a quick minute. So it's no surprise that the two reportedly made the free clinic proud by tongue fucking each other at the opening of the Mazagan Beach Resort in Morocco on Halloween.

Shortly after The Mirror spotted the two making out, HoHan apparently told them (for some reason), “He’s hot, he’s mine! I’ve got no ring on my finger so I’m gonna have lots of fun. This is the most romantic place in the world after all.” A few beats later, the two jumped in a golf cart and rode off to exchange genital germs in the night. Totally romantic.

Both Gerard and HoHan will fuck a toilet if it winked at them, so this was going to happen sooner or later. I'm sure that when the toxic fumes cleared, they both cleaned off their fuck parts with a fire extinguisher and went back out to hunt for their next victim.

And how much do you want to bet that they both tried to pick each other up the next night not realizing that they got it on the night before? Such is the life of a true slut. It happens to all of us.

The pharmaceutical companies better start working overtime to stock up on painkillers and anti-depressants, because I have a feeling that Mel Gibson's new daughter is going to need most of their stock in a few years to deal with being...well...Mel Gibson's daughter.

Radar reports that Mel's girlfriend (and one of my gold digging heroes) Oksana Grigorieva gave birth to a daughter on Friday. Oksana claimed she wasn't due until December, so if the reports are true, baby came waaaaaaay early. Or maybe Oksana is doing that new kind of math (aka whoregebra).

A source added that Mel's new daughter is healthy and is already at home. Yeah, already at home and trying to make an escape rope out of her bed sheets and bibs.

Unfortunately, we don't know a name yet, but I'm guessing Mel went with Jackeline Daniels Sugartits Jesus Gibson. Jackeline Daniels is the second child for Oksana (she has a son with Timmy Dalton) and Mel's EIGHTH.

Eight is definitely enough for Mel. Seriously, I think a "Neuter Mel Gibson" measure will be on the ballot in California tomorrow. VOTE YES!

UPDATE: Mel's spokeswhore confirms that a new Gibson crawls amongst us. Mel and Oksana have named her Lucia. (People)

(Image: Pacific Coast News)

Some of you may be feeling the pain this morning because you lost an organ (or two) during your weekend of debauchery. Well, shake and bake it off, because you could be laying up in the hospital with an E. coli infection like Elton John.

The Daily Mail reports that Elton was hospitalized over the weekend with a bad case of E. coli bacterial infection and the flu. ACK! We must all refrain from making ten million raw chicken jokes.

Because Elton has the ills, he's been forced to cancel a bunch of concerts in the UK and the United States. Hopefully, Elton will be back on stage in two weeks.

Elton's partner David Furnish said he was out of the hospital and doing well. Elton's rep issued this statement: "He is recovering from a case of serious influenza with minor complications. We are confident he will be back on stage in the near future."

Those of you who wanted to send flowers should send a balloon basket instead, because I'm sure a dozen floral shops have already moved into Elton's house. Git well soon, Elton!

Thank God, Lindsay got a paying job - OurMissC

Runners-up:

Jeez, I knew Schlitz was one of the oldest beers in America, but keeping it's original spokesmodel may prove to be a bad decision. - ILoveRArmitage

Proof that Tara Reid was breastfed. - NoAnjl

Perfect for those lazy Sundays when you want to sip on a cold one and play connect the dots. - Sluttsville

Today's caption picture in all its glory might be too much for some of you to handle, so it's after the jump. Put a block of ice on your crotch and JUMP!