Archives

A few weeks ago, Morrissey broke down and passed out on stage at a gig in Swindon. Well, at a show in Liverpool last night, someone tried to break down a plastic bottle of beer on Morrissey's head. Instead of whooping that trick with the mic, Morrissey quit that bitch by walking offstage. Morrissey was only two songs into his set and he refused to continue the show. A few minutes after he said walked off, an announcement was made that the show was officially over. Morrissey doesn't play like that.

You know how I feel about wasting the sweet nectar that the gods have so generously given us. That's one thing. But to try to knock Morrissey out is another. If you want to hate on Morrissey's swagger, a simple "Boo Bitch" would suffice.

Whoever threw the bottle needs to watch themselves, because I know a handful of reckless rockabilly cholas who would risk their perfectly Sharpie drawn eyebrows in order to handle the bitch that fucked with their dark prince. So if the bottle thrower hears the loud thump of Creepers behind him, he better pray that most of them are on probation.

In case you missed it, here's the Twilight parody that aired on Saturday Night Live last night starring Taylor Swift and Bill Hader (who became one with RPattz's "I'm trying to take a poo through my peen hole" face)

Taylor isn't about to win an Oscar for triumphing as Lady Macbeth anytime soon, but that's why she almost nailed Kristen Stewart as Bella. Well, in order to completely perfect her impersonation of Bella, Taylor would've needed to get a lobotomy with a cardboard box, but she still mastered Kristen's lip chewing and hair tucking. For real, how is it possible that Kristen's lip doesn't look like it just finished a make-out session with piranha.

And Kanye West wasn't able to let go of his CAPS LOCK key long enough to make a cameo last night, but he did come up in Taylor's opening monologue song. Here's that shit below:

One of Sammy Sosa's friends has come out to defend him after a picture of him looking like he's on step 3 of "Michael Jackson's Guide to Beauty" started making people talking. Rebecca Polihronis, a former Cubs employee who talks to Sosa all the time, told the Chicago Sun-Times that he's in the process of going through a laser treatment to his skin after spending years playing in the sun.

Rebecca said, "He's not trying to be Michael Jackson. He is going through a rejuvenation process for his skin. Women have it all of the time. He was surprised he came out looking so white. I thought it was a body double. Part of (the photo appearance) is just the lighting. He is in the middle of doing a cleansing process to his skin. The picture is deceiving. He said, 'If you saw me in person, you would be surprised. When you see me in person, it is not going to seem like the picture.' People who saw him in person did not react the same way. He can't believe it is such a big deal. He has always been concerned with the way he looks. Probably just bad timing going to an awards show."

REJUVENATION PROCESS?! Unless Sosa was born a baked potato, this "rejuvenation process" is not working. Get a refund. Seriously, I just want to throw a stick of butter and a tub of sour cream on him (hold the chives).

And what does Sammy have to say about those swap meet-bought lemur contacts in his eyes? Let me guess? Eyeball rejuvenation? Bitch should get brain rejuvenation while he's at it.

I shouldn't say that. If Sammy is okay with little children running for the nearest church after seeing him, then good for him.

At a rugby match in London yesterday, Chelsy Davy tried to keep her rekindled relationship with Prince Hot Ginge on the down low by sitting apart from him, but we all know that's pretty much impossible. It didn't take long for Chelsy's vagina to gravitate toward the ginge. Chelsy's private parts slid over to him, throwing the dude between them out of his seat. They spent the rest of the match together. Chelsy whispered spicy nothings into Ginge's ear while he spent his time thinking about me doing a sessy dance in nothing but a thong that says "GINGE ONLY ZONE" on the crotch. That explains why he has such a grim look on his face.

I was reading the comments over at the Daily Mail about these two, and some seem to think that Chelsy is just not fancy enough for PHG. One ho said: "Sorry but this Chelsy will NEVER make a Royal!" And another ho piped in with: "Prince Harry needs to find a princess or aristocrat who will fit in with his status."

Yes, Chelsy looks like she can play "Unskinny Bop" on a beer bottle by blowing into it with her snatch, but that's why PHG loves her so. I mean, this is the dude who cleans his nostrils out with vodka. Chelsy is definitely the refined and elegant princess Hot Ginge needs in his life. And it pains me in the nipples to admit that.

Samantha Newark & Britta Phillips - The VOICES of one of the most important characters in history: JEM (insert a trillion sparkly exclamation points here).

Samantha (on the left) was the talking voice of Jem/Jerrica and Britta was her singing voice. Together they created the greatest performer since Liberace. The truth is, Pizzazz was the one I felt a bond with since she was...well...the bitch. But without Jem!, there could be no Pizzazz, so she is a very important.

If you grew up in the 80s or you're gay, you have to have a favorite Jem! song and mine is below. When I'm finally thrown on the dingy boat to Hell, this must be performed at my funeral by La Pequena (with accompaniment by Keyboard Cat):

Fun fact: This is also the song that plays in Gay Al Reynolds' head whenever he sashays into a room.

Gordon Ramsay (43)
Jack Osbourne (24)
Sam Sparro (27)
Azure Skye (28)
Dania Ramirez (30)
Bucky Covington (32)
Tara Reid (34)
Matthew Rhys (35)
Tom Anderson (39ish)
Gretchen Mol (37)
Parker Posey (41)
Kamar De Los Reyes (42)
Courtney Thorne-Smith (42)
Leif Garrett (48)
Chi Chi La Rue (50)
Richard Curtis (51)
Rickie Lee Jones (55)
Alfre Woodard (57)
Mary Hart (59)
Bonnie Raitt (60)
Patti Page (82)