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Blind Items will EXPLODE over this shit. Ted Casablanca passed the hell out. Some source tells People that Jakey G and Reese Witherspoon have said "so long, farewell" to each other after 2 years. No, seriously. Jakey totally performed "So Long, Farewell" from The Sound of Music for Reese. Jakey did it in costume and everything. He's serious about his goodbyes.

The source didn't give any details on why they split up.

Jakey just decided that his beard was getting too itchy and it was time to shave it all off. And Reese got bored with listening to Jakey and his "friend" rough house in the next room while she knitted a little bag for his favorite pair of anal beads.

And the line to be Jakey's next beard forms to the left. That wasn't meant for you, Squinty Zellweger. You've got your own!

UPDATE: Reese's spokesbitch says this shit ain't true. Her rep told UsWeekly, "It's not true. They have not split." Hmm. Reese must still be trying to renegotiate with Jakey. Reese, give Jakey weekends off and throw in a monthly anal bleaching and he will sign on the dotted line. Guaranteed!

The Hoff was hospitalized on Friday after he reportedly suffered a seizure following a two-day booze binge. Radar says that the doctors aren't ready to release The Hoff back into the wild (and into the arms of a Jack Daniels bottle) just yet. They have stamped a Code 5150 on The Hoff's nalgas and will keep him for up to 72 hours for a psychiatric evaluation.

Apparently, some of The Hoff's family members have wised up and want him to go directly to rehab from the hospital. The Hoff recently denied that he has a problem with the sauce, so who knows if he'll go.

Methinks The Hoff's family will have to get creative if they want him to go to rehab. They should trick him by leaving a trail of deliciously greasy cheeseburgers from his hospital room door to the front steps of the rehab clinic.

There's no need for Loki to shoot down from heaven to chew on some puppy culo, because that new dog friend now belongs to Mickey Rourke's full-time fuck partner Elena Kuletskaya. Mickey's heart still belongs to Loki forever and ever.

However, Loki still might want to piss on Mickey's beef stroganoff face, because he bought the puppy at a pet store. BITCH BOGUS!

Here's more pictures of Mickey, his girlfriend and his girlfriend's new puppy friend trolling around NYC yesterday. Don't worry, the "DEATH DON'T TAKE ME NOW" look in the puppy's eyes will go away as soon as he gets used to staring at Mickey's face all the time.

When Kobe Bryant was accused of touching parts not belonging to Vanessa Bryant, he immediately apologized to his wife by making her finger sparkle like she just gave RPattz a prostate exam. It's the only type of apology a true gold digger will accept. So it's no surprise that Tiger Woods knows he needs to go diamond mining if he wants his wife Elin Nordegren to forgive his possibly cheating ass.

TMZ says that during a phone conversation with some friend, Tiger said that his wife had "gone ghetto" on him and that he had "to run to Zales to get a 'Kobe Special.'"

Yes, a kiss begins with Kay. And Tiger DIDN'T GO TO JARED. But everyone knows that Zales is the finest jooree store in the mall, so Tiger made a wise choice. Only the best for Elin.

My cholita cousin agrees. When her man proposed to her with a garnet (GARNET!!!) ring he bought at Walmart, her response was, "Uh. Why didn't he go to Zales?" Exactly.

*Images removed per request from Grady's lawyers :(*

Grady Sizemore, the center fielder for the Cleveland Indians and now a Guys with iPhones supermodel superstar!

Grady Sizemore (the jokes write themselves) was never on my no-no's radar, but now he's been added to my favorites thanks to these pictures that he supposedly sent to his ex-girlfriend Playboy Playmate Brittany Binger.

My personal favorite is the one above of Grady teabagging his teabags oh so tastefully. The steam from the herbal tea keeps Grady's bags soft and supple. That should be a Celestial Seasonings ad for Sleepypeen Tea.

But Grady also works it like a Barbizon valedictorian with his "Look at me get oral with a Sonicare" pose, his "This is my junk" pose, his "It puts the Vaseline in the basket" pose and his "My sunglasses are awesome" pose. If there ever is an America's Next Top Guy with iPhone reality show, Grady should be the main judge.

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