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After Tiger Woods crashed his Escalade into a fire hydrant outside of his house, his wife came running with a golf club to rescue his ass. The Police Chief told AP that Elin Nordegren used the golf club to smash out the SUV's back window to get Tiger out of there. When the ambulance arrived, Tiger was laying in the street with his wife over him.

TMZ also says that right before the accident, Tiger and Elin had a fight of words. Hmmm...I wonder if their argument had something to do with Tiger possibly doing down low sexy times with rising homewrecker to the stars Rachel Uchitel? That would explain why he was running out of there at 2:30 in the morning like the devil was trying to nibble on his ass lips.

You know, something in the milk ain't clean about this story. Maybe Elin was trying to beat the whore out of Tiger and chased him out of the house? Or maybe after Tiger crashed, Elin went out there to save his ass, because she needs him to bring in more cash before she drops divorce papers into his lap? Whatever the case may be, Elin does not play around and Tiger better watch his ass.

Usually raggedy beards don't give me the tingles, but there's something about Sting's facial pubes that is rubbing me the right way. It could have something to do with the sink full of greasy pots and pans that I've been avoiding all day. I obviously need Sting's Brillo pad beard in my life right now. Sting would just have to stick his head in my sink and shake shake shaaaaaake.

Here's Sting looking like the sessiest hobo on the beach in Rio the other day. You know you'd put your coin in his cup. I don't know what that means, but if you read it while shimmying your titties it sort of sounds sexy (not really).

Tania Mcintosh proving that she should be a Victoria's Secret angel - Holy Moly!

Lily Allen looking like a stand-by stripper at a club that continues to violate health codes. Translation: she looks hot - Hollywood Tuna

Danielle Lloyd is so demure - Egotastic!

JLo is trying to take Louboutins down with her - Just Jared

England's finest rose is looking fresher than ever (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Justin Timberlake must have spent a little time with some Dark & Lovely - Lainey Gossip

If you woke up this morning wishing for some topless pictures of Gavin Rossdale on a tennis court, then here ye go - Popsugar

Posh Beckham will continue to wear high heels even if it causes her feet to fall off - I'm Not Obsessed

Adam Gregory doesn't make my fuck parts holler, but maybe he'll do things to you - Popbytes

Is Elisabetta Canalis that stupid?! - Celebitchy

Arsenio Hall made Paula Abdul piss herself - Hollywood Rag

Delicious martini, disgusting hag - Socialite Life

Tiger Woods was rushed to the hospital earlier this morning after his Escalade hit a fire hydrant outside of his neighbor's house in Isleworth, FL. The Florida Highway Patrol said that Tiger's injuries were serious.

The FHP also told the Orlando Sentinel that after Tiger's SUV hit the fire hydrant it hit a tree nearby. They believe Tiger was driving under 33mph, because the Escalade's air bags didn't inflate. They also said that booze didn't play a part in the crash. They wouldn't say if anybody else was in the car with Tiger.

UPDATE: This is confusing. MSNBC just said that charges are pending, but it's not known who would face charges since the crash was not booze-related. My guess is that the fire hydrant will find itself with a court date very soon. Also, WESH.com reports that Tiger's injuries include "facial lacerations."

UPDATE II: Tiger's rep says that he was involved in a minor car accident and was released from the hospital in good condition after being treated for his injuries. So now it's safe for you to make those jokes about how he must have been having text fellatio with his mistress whore right before he ran into that annoying fire hydrant.

Katie Price is making Harvey dizzy with all this back and forth shit. One minute she's butt banging Peter Andre, and the next minute she's sticking her tongue in Alex Reid's tuck. AND NOW, she apparently wants Peter's peen back in her orange arms again. Bitch needs to pick one gay and stick with him.

The Sun is saying that Katie must have gotten sentimental when she was washing her anal beads, because she called up Peter and begged him to let her be his main purse holder again. Katie reportedly said she was sowwy for being a bitch and told him that her relationship with Alex Reid/Roxy meant nothing. A source added, "She asked him straight out if there was any chance they could get back together and pleaded for a reunion. She was telling him she just couldn't stop thinking of him and their life together. Katie told him she even dreamed of him at night but would wake up to realize he wasn't there, and feel sad."

The source also said that Peter wasn't exactly pinching his nipples during the phone call, "The idea of a reunion is not something Pete would even consider. They are divorced and that's it."

When Katie and Peter quit each other, some whores were screaming in my ear that this was just a publicity stunt sponsored by OK! Magazine and they would get married again next year for maximum publicity exposure. I filed their claims under "crackhead conspiracies," but it looks like their asses could be right. Katie and Peter could be taking famewhoring for checks to a whole new level.

Jon & Kate, take notes! Actually, I didn't mean that. Burn your note pads, Jon & Kate. Burn them!

You might be wondering why Gerard Butler has a single bloody tear stuck in his eye. That's because his tortured eyeball was forced to stare at Kimbo Stewart's constipated bird face for hours at The Groucho Club in London last night. The Daily Mail says that Gerry had Thanksgiving dinner with Kimbo and Natalie Imbruglia (aka the "Torn" chick). They all left separately, but I'm sure they met up in a back alley somewhere and bumped titties under the moonlight.

It's not Gerry's period eye that I'm concerned about, it's his other eye. The eye on his dick. Gerry needs to get that shit checked out with an optometrist, if he actually got down with Kimbo. I mean, Kimbo?!

And since we're on the subject of Kimbo and it is the day after Thanksgiving, let's stare at her ex-boyfriend's (nsfl) turkey neck nuts again!

Orlando Bloom and Jennifer Aniston were on the same flight from LAX to Heathrow the other day, and when they landed they sped off in the same van. Orlando doesn't have to worry about Aniston showing up to his house in the middle of the night wearing a wedding dress and carrying a cat dressed as a priest (Father Meow Meow), because the two are just fweeeends.

They were both making their way to Morocco to attend the re-opening of some hotel on Thanksgiving. Orlando met Miranda Kerr, his current taint bumper, there. So Bloomiston doesn't exist for now.

Fishsticks Paltrow (sans her cunt of a husband) was also in Morroco to ruin the party for everyone by looking like a flaccid penis with a long foreskin problem.

Remember Rachel Uchitel? She's the one that Star Magazine said was doing illegal fucky times with the very-married David Boreanaz? Well, it looks like Rachel's bull dozer vagina is now wreaking havoc on Tiger Wood's picture perfect home.

According to the National Enquirer (insert obligatory side-eye here), Tiger has been stepping out on his wife of six years and his two children. Sources say that Tiger is knocked balls into Rachel Uchitel's hole.

Rachel's friends say that she's met up with him in Australia, Los Angeles and Las Vegas. When they aren't screwing on the down low, they are humping each other through text messages. One friend added, “Rachel told me, ‘I’m having an affair with Tiger Woods. We’re in love!’ She even read me text messages Tiger sent her that said ‘I love you, babe. It’s always going to be just you and me. They were constantly sexting. Tiger asked what she was wearing, what did she want him to do to her, what did she want to do to him. I reminded Rachel that he was married, and she said ‘Big fucking deal! It’s Tiger Woods! I don’t care about his wife! We’re in love.’ Her nickname for Tiger is Bear.”

The Enquirer followed Rachel to a hotel in Australia where Tiger was staying. Apparently, they watched her take the elevator up to Tiger's VIP suite in the sky. When they asked Rachel about it, she lied at first, but then she said she was there "on business." Yeah, ho business.

Tiger's lawyer denied the affair, but did say that the two have met before at a club or something.

This Rachel trick is no joke! Does homegirl have Star Maps tattooed on her labia lips? Bitch is turning star fucking into a full-time job and she's determined to be Employee of the Year. Seriously, it looks like Sienna Miller has just been replaced as every wife's pubic (typo and it fits) enemy #1!

via Celebitchy

Cody, the official greeter at the BP station on Nursery Road in Clearwater, FL.

About five months ago, Karim Mansour, the owner of the BP station, decided to bring his dog Cody to work so he could entertain his ass during slow shifts. Karim decided to dress Cody up in a BP shirt and name tag for fun. Well, it didn't take long for Karim to see that Cody was the perfect BP employee.

Cody doesn't throw shade at bitchy customers and he knows how to calm down the drunks. Karim said that when hos enter the station with a spiked dildo up their ass, it melt away as soon as they see Cody's adorable (and professional) face greeting them at the door.

(For Kara)

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