Tim Bennett, the president of HARPO, just released this statement:
"Tomorrow, Oprah will announce live on 'The Oprah Winfrey Show' that she has decided to end what is arguably one of the most popular, influential and enduring programs in television history. The sun will set on the "Oprah" show as its 25th season draws to a close on September 9, 2011."
The screams coming from millions of stay-at-home moms and permanently unemployed gays may cause all of your senses to shut down, so you better get into your bomb shelter. The end is near. Obviously.
You know Gayle is causing those around her to go deaf from her shrieks of joy, because now Oprah will have more time for some non-stop scissoring. Pussies will go raw!
And what the hell is Tim talking about with that "most popular and influential" shit?! Has he never heard of Dynasty?!
Mimi's Super Sweet Christmas Lighting just happened at London's Westfield Mall tonight, and there was not one fluffy white kitten or dove in sight. Earlier this morning, there were rumors that Mimi demanded kittens, doves, a pink carpet, a magic wand and butterfly-shaped confetti for her appearance. The organizers already shut her down about the kitten thing, but they were still working on getting the doves to the party. Well, it looks like the only bird brain in the joint was Mimi herself, because there were no doves.
But Mimi did get some janky butterfly confetti that was made using scraps from a leftover bin. AND they also gave her a busted down magic wand, which they put together using a cardboard wrapping paper tube and a star-shaped cake pan. So there! Mimi the Diva still reigns (sarcasm)!
Here's the second trailer for MTV's upcoming masterpiece Jersey Shore (aka The Douchebag Diaries), and December 3rd can't come soon enough. Not only are the stars of this shit built like Greek Gods (after being doused in colonic fluid and filled with Silly Putty), but they are true poets. Below are the top 6 quotes from the trailer that will make your brain tingle and your soul go weak. Okay, these are all the quotes from the trailer. They are that poetic.
"There's no way I'm going to Jersey without my mangel."
"I am like a praying mantis. After I have sex with a guy I will rip their head off."
"My abs are so ripped up it's called 'the situation.'"
"You can hate on me all you want to, but what can you possibly say to somebody who looks like Rambo, pretty much, without his shirt off?"
"I'm the Kim Kardashian of Staten Island, baby"
"I'm a bartender. I do, you know, great things."
Megan Fox totally has some competition.
While some of us were fast asleep this morning dreaming about eating Twinkies with Tim Gunn (true story), Tila Tequila was starring in a marathon webcam party which went on for hours. Tila Tequila's Happy Time Tampon Marathon was broadcast on her Ustream page and featured her shaking nalgas, flashing her titty balls, playing with her tampon string and waving a gun around like it was a dildo. File this under: Things you can see in Tijuana for two Pesos.
According to TMZ, Tila also went off about Shawn Merriman, the footballer she accused of Chris Brown-ing her. Tila said Shawn does sex with underage girls, has turned his back on the black community and is a lady beating druggie. Tila also added, "People call me an attention whore .. or whatever ... but excuse me I'm a grown ass woman and I'm confident in myself ...I think a woman's body is a beautiful thing ... that's why I'm a lesbian ... I was born naked ... anybody who is against that is gay and in denial."
Tila's lawyer immediately blamed her on camera craziness on Shawn Merriman. Her lawyer said that the incident really pushed her right over the edge and straight into Planet Crazy. Tila is currently suing Shawn for $1.5 million.
I'm sure deep thinker Megan Fox is reciting Proust in her head while flashing her cooter - Hollywood Tuna
My So-Called Nipples - Egotastic!
Jenna Jameson's face might be on too tight, because she's not making sense - Celebitchy
David Walliams' piece of the week looks beat - Holy Moly!
Vintage Lady CaCa - Towleroad
Kate Bosworth photographed walking in front of Askars. This obviously confirms that they are doing anal together on an hourly basis - Lainey Gossip
Jennifer Aniston makes duckface - Just Jared
In "no need to announce the obvious" news, Pamela Anderson has done cocaine - Hollywood Rag
Will Ferrell is overpaid. Officially. - ICYDK
Bar Refaeli in some lingerie (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather
Heineken knows how to make a viral video - Cityrag
Sasha Fierce goes crowd surfing - Popeater
Tommy Girl and Stepford Katie celebrate the third anniversary of their contract signing - Popsugar
Does this trick really look like Lucille Ball or did the two Cup 'O Noodles I ate for lunch eff with my head? - I'm Not Obsessed
Kristen Stewart could've destroyed the plates faster if she simply just performed a scene for them - Socialite Life
YES! Baby Smiley, the premiere chola of YouTube, was on George Lopez's show last night to give an audience member a gorgeous cholita makeover. The audience member went from looking like a t-shirt folder at The GAP to a beautiful white girl chola with eyebrows that will make any parole officer flinch.
I'm sure that Baby Smiley's YouTube video has been watched more than a week full of George Lopez's talk show, but it's a start! TLC will soon be knocking on her door to give chola makeovers to the masses. Because Baby Smiley is right, everyone wants to look like they own stock in Sharpie and AquaNet.
A police officer in Arkansas was suspended with pay after he tasered a 10-year-old girl who was throwing a fit on the floor. The officer was not suspended for electrocuting the girl. He was suspended because he did not have a camera with him to record the incident. The police department was probably pissed about the camera thing, because they figured footage like that would've won them first place on America's Funniest Home Videos. Ugh.
It all started when the 10-year-old refused to take a shower and go to bed. The girl did what most 10-year-olds do when they don't get their way - she threw a fit. Most good mothers would give the girl a cocktail or a bong to calm her down. But this dumb ass mother called the police.
When Officer Dustin Bradshaw showed up to the home, he found the girl (who is 4'6" and weighs 65 pounds) screaming and kicking. According to the police report, the mother told Officer Dustin that he could tase her if he needed to. Officer Bradshaw wrote in the report that he tried to get the girl to stop by telling her she was going to jail, but homegirl was not scared. She is obviously a proud graduate of Latarian Milton's University of Hood Rat Stuff.
Officer Dustin stepped up his game and tried to handcuff the girl. She fought with him and ended up kicking him in the nuts. That's when Officer Dustin said he "lightly stunned" her in the back. The girl stopped fighting and Officer Dustin was able to handcuff her. She wouldn't walk, so he had to carry her to the police car. She was then transported to a youth shelter.
The police chief pretty much stood by his officer's decision. He said that the girl will be charged with disorderly conduct and the officer won't face additional disciplinary action.
The girl's father however wants the Arkansas State Police to investigate the incident. If they won't, he's going to ask the FBI for help. He said, "My daughter does not deserve to be tased and be treated like an animal."
Everyone is going CRAZY! Babies are getting slapped by strange pepaws at Wal-Mart! Kids are getting maced by drag queens on the subway! And now little girls are getting tasered by police officers while their mothers shake their heads in approval. What the hell is next? We shouldn't be surprised if we hear about a kindergarten teacher engaging in a shoot out with her students on the playground.
Whenever the winner is announced at a beauty pageant, the losers always stand there with a processed smile on their face and freshly glazed eyes. They clap because they are programmed to, but deep inside their brains they are fantasizing about ripping the winning whore's head off with their bare teeth. They never go through with it. But thankfully, a losing drag queen at the Miss Brazil Gay 2009 pageant had the balls (literally) to do it. No, she didn't rip off the queen's head, but she did something even better - she snatched off her crown AND wig in one swoop. Dear Sheree, takes notes immediately.
This hot bitch is making wig snatching look like an Olympic Sport. I just want a grab a big piece of paper, draw a giant 10 on it and hold it up! This is pure poetry in motion. That wig snatching tranny proved that she was the real queen with her perfect form and magnificent cuntface.
So every queen in Brazil needs to watch out. Whenever you see Miss Wig Snatcher 2009 (and beyond) stomping by, hold your shit down with both hands. THE ONE: She isn't it!
(Thanks to Kelly!)
At Mel Gibson's Holy Family Chapel in Agoura Hills, CA, he is God, Jesus and all of the saints rolled into one. What Mel says goes. That means Mel gets to pick and choose who sits next to his drunk ass in the pews.
Radar Online reports that Mel is making all new parishioners fill out an application and go through a security check before he offers you an invitation to join his church. Apparently, Mel is paranoid about hos blabbing about his holy ramblings to the media.
The one-page application states that it "must be accepted by security in order to gain admittance" and that it's "not open for negotiation by guests/attendees." It also adds that membership can be revoked at any time for any reason.
You know, I kind of understand why Mel is pulling this fuckery. It's a privilege to "pray" with Mel. His church is probably a non-stop party and who doesn't get tingly for a party? The holy water is spiked with top-shelf vodka, the communion wafers have been soaked in rum, and Jesus' blood comes in your choice of white, red or sparkling wine.
And the seventh commandment, "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery," has been replaced with, "Thou Shalt Party With Your Peen Out." So I totally see where Mel is coming from.
The Butterfarty Rainbow Hello Kitty Princess agreed to turn on the Christmas lights at the Westfield Mall in London, but she had a list of demands that made the organizers throw her a "How old are you again?" side-eye. Mimi's list included everything that a 6-year-old girl requests for her birthday party.
Basically, Mimi wanted them to Cornify her in real-life. Mimi's demands included:
20 white fluffy kittens
100 white doves to be released into the sky upon her entrance
Pink butterfly-shaped confetti to fall on her upon her entrance
A pink carpet instead of a red one
A Rolls Royce to drive her to the mall
80 security guards
A magical wand
Why couldn't she just use the magical wand that is stuck up her Hello Shitty? Anyway, the organizers managed to get a hold of everything but the white fluffy kittens. In the end, they were told that bringing kittens into the mall would not be possible due to health reasons. The mall said, "We do not allow pets into Westfield - that rule would apply for everyone." I guess that means Nick Cannon has to stay at home too.
If the organizers really want to make Mimi's soul explode, they would go above and beyond by getting her the elusive UNICORN CAT!!!!
It's well known that unicorn cats queef out white doves AND butterfly-shaped confetti, so the organizers would get everything in one.