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Here we go again. A new totally staged clip featuring Carmen Electra, some dude and some ho has "leaked" onto the internet. The clip is basically the welfare version of McSteamy and the Noxzema Girl's non-sex tape. It features Carmen guzzling on a champagne bottle, dancing around like a post-seizure chimp on No-Doze, making out with the other skank and unzipping the pants of the dude filming this mess (teaser for part two, I'm sure). And just like the McSteamy tape, there's NO dick.

Not even the tip! What is wrong with this world?! Suddenly bitches have a case of the shies and want to keep their dicks to themselves. Are we pilgrims all of a sudden? Shit, I'm sure even the pilgrim dudes proudly waved their dicks around when they got to Plymouth Cock Rock.

Anyway, I'm sure Carmen Electra will clutch her pearl necklace (smearing it), put her hand on the bible and cry about how she can't believe that someone she thought she trusted would do something like this to her. Then she'll hire a pretend lawyer and file a pretend lawsuit. In the end, Carmen will consent to the tape, because she's "so tired of fighting." Blah blah blah blah... Same old whore song and dance.

Wake me when Spaghetti Cat's "sexy tape" leaks.

Ask my genitals (and the restraining order out against me) and they will tell you that this was definitely the year of THE SILVER FOX! I mean, look at that precious blue background. Wouldn't it look even more precious with Anderson Fox's silver field glittering in front of it? Sigh. People better include a "Sexiest Fox Alive" supplement in this shit. Anymynonowillbesendingthemhatemail....

As you can see Johnny Depp was named People's Sexiest Man Alive (aka Bitch We Want To Bone Badly). Johnny joins Billy Goat Brad Pitt and George Clooney as the only pieces who have been named SMA twice. And once again, Mah Boo shuffles off empty-handed. FOR SHAME!

The rest of the list includes some of the usual suspects (i.e. Ryan Reynolds, Jakey G, Robert Downey Jr., Posh Beckham's purse holder) as well as some new hos (i.e. The Glee Guys, Gilles Marini, Squinty's favorite shopping partner, Glamberace, John Cho, Nick Cannon, John Legend).

And yes, the Keeper of the Unicorn Forest made the list too. Yesterday, there was a fake People cover going around with RPattz on it. People probably decided not to go with RPattz this year, because they didn't want to be responsible for the millions of Twitward vaginas that would explode out of excitement.

Vivid Entertainment got a hold of a series of tapes of Carrie Prejean parting her pink sea, and they want to sell the videos with her blessing. Carrie turned them down. Well, now Vivid has brought out their finest lucite jewel to dazzle Carrie and bring her over to the bright side.

The Empress of Lucite slid into her lucite throne, pulled out her boyfriend's peen, dipped it in her sparkly box and wrote a passionate letter to Carrie where she described her own journey from powerless victim to star, cinematographer, director, costume designer and soundtrack composer of her own fuck film. Shauna said that Carrie could waste thousands of dollars on lawyers, or she could make millions by letting the world see her holy grail on her terms.

Below is the part of the letter where Shauna talks about the pivotal moment where she decided to LEAK HER OWN SEX TAPE be the queen of her own porn destiny:

I went to the meeting full of rage. During the meeting, however, I realized that I could actually take control of the situation. Instead of spending thousands of dollars in legal fees for a lawsuit that could take months or even years to be resolved, I could actually turn things around.

I told Steven that I wanted to eliminate any compensation to the third party since it was my movie that I not only starred in, but also directed and added the music to. I also told him that I wanted to be involved in the marketing of the movie as I really cared about it.

I’m really glad I made that decision. I’m proud of my body and of the passion that I felt during the making of the movie which became “Shauna Sand Exposed.”

Why don’t you consider taking control yourself and handle this situation on your own
terms so that you are in the driver’s seat. It all starts with a telephone call to Steven to find out what your options are. I’d be happy to talk to you one-on-one about how I did it.

If any of us were touched by a lucite angel, we would immediately fall into a deep trance and do anything Shauna asked us to. But Carrie proved that she is not of this world, because she turned down Shauna's offer! Carrie even threatened to sue Vivid if they don't leave her alone.

UNGODLY! Turning down the Empress of Lucite is like turning down JESUS himself. Carrie basically spit on the gates of heaven. Just like she spit on her palm to play with her coochie on that tape!

To quote the a wise woman named Marguerite Perrin: "SHE IS NOT A CHRIIIIISTIIIIIIIAN!"

Unable to live with her rejection, Dopey goes Vanilla Sky on Snow White's ass. - stinky

Runners-up:

Next year, the Heenes will let Disney sponsor the Balloon Boy anniversary. - Captain Who-Who

When the studio saw this, there was no way in hell Tommygirl would both star in AND direct "Top Gun". - TexnDoc

Magic purple hat? Check
Goggles? Check
Wheels down? Check
Pool Q's? Check
Bitch in the backseat, tellin me how to drive......
Priceless - Area 5150

(Thanks Chuck)

Sue Grafton, famed author of detective novels such as "A is for Alibi," "B is for Burglar," "C is for Corspe," etc..etc... Sue knows the alphabet better than any ho on Sesame Street!

Sue is also extra hot, because homegirl puts up a stop sign whenever Hollywood comes knocking at her door. Sue said she will never sell the TV or movie rights to her books. And if her children pull that shit after she's gone, she promises to haunt their asses from the grave.

(For Lahoma)

Linda Evans (67)
Christian Siriano (24)
Fabolous (32)
Chloe Sevigny (35)
Peta Wilson (39)
Mike Epps (39)
Duncan Sheik (40)
Daphne Rubin-Vega (40)
Owen Wilson (41)
Romany Malco (41)
Kirk Hammett (47)
Elizabeth Perkins (49)
Kim Wilde (49)
Kevin Nealon (56)
Delroy Lindo (57)
Andrea Marcovicci (61)
Brenda Vaccaro (70)