Archives

Why doesn't Dreamboat Doherty just sit in his chair and suck the shit out of his nails like a good crackhead instead of constantly acting the ass wherever he goes. Whenever we're not looking, he's sticking his hand in the bad shit jar, terrorizing kittens or offending Germany by singing the banned Nazi-version of their national anthem. The latter is what got Dreamy in trouble this past weekend at a music festival in Munich.

During his set, Nightmarey Doherty started the national anthem with the lyrics: "Deutschland, Deutschland über alles." Apparently, that's some offensive shit that will get you a fist to the mouth. So he was pulled off the stage after 5 songs and a local radio station stopped broadcasting his performance. The radio announcer said, "To say it like the Brits do: We are not amused."

Dreamy's spokeswhore (aka his on-call dealer) quickly apologized and issued this statement: "He was unaware of the controversy surrounding the German national anthem and he deeply apologies if he has caused any offense. Peter himself is from Jewish descent and has fought against racism and fascism with numerous organisations including Love Music Hate Racism. This is a subject he feels very strongly about."

Instead of wasting the keystrokes, his rep should've just issued the obligatory statement: "You know those crackheads....."

Witness the potent fuckery below:

Birthdays: March 13, 1982 & December 5, 1979
Ages: 27 (Ohad) & 29 (Ryan & Dan)
Birth Names: Ohad Einbinder, Ryan and Dan Kowarsky

Original Date of HS of the Day: November 23, 2009
Claim to Fame: b4-4 was a Canadian boy band that went double aluminum foil with their hits "Get Down" and "Go Go." They also used that aluminum foil to frost their tips.

b4-4 was only together for a quick second, because all beautiful things must come to an end. And because the guidos of 1995 wanted their look back and threatened to sue.

Where are they now? Ohad moved to Los Angeles from Canada to pursue a modeling career. This means you can find him working the early shift at Koo Koo Roo in West Hollywood or doing drag at Arena on Sundays. As for Ryan & Dan, they moved to London, shaved the bleached hedgehog off their heads and formed a new musical duo creatively called RyanDan. They now make the musical equivalent of Clay Gayken's post-sex queefs. That's a compliment. Click here to listen for yourself.

Why are they HS of the Week? Because of THIS:

Baby Jesus speaks! No, he really does. The New York Times got to hear him speak actual words for a fluffy profile piece they did on him which ran this past weekend. Cut them some shit, it was Thanksgiving weekend.

In the way-too-long article, we learn that Vadge doesn't give her Brazilian boy toy a crisp $5 bill every morning before he goes to school. Baby Jesus doesn't need it, because apparently he's some superstar DJ who makes $15,000 for a 90-minute set. We're all banging the wrong bitch.

And Baby Jesus also schooled us stupid Americans on the correct way to say his name. It's not pronounced "Gee-zus" or "Hay-soos." Jesus Luz says his full name is pronounced “Zhay-ZOOSE. Loose.” But even Vadge doesn't care about that. Shit, I doubt she knows his name. Whenever she needs him, she just rings the supper bell and opens up her legs. No names needed!

If you haven't sent a picture of your chichis and coochie to your latest boyfriend, then send RiRi his address because she would like to mail him an "I Feel Sorry For You" greeting card. You see, RiRi's motto is: "If you don't send your boyfriend naked pictures, then I feel bad for him." That trick really said that.

In a radio interview with Hot 97 (via BBC), RiRi talked about those naked pictures of herself that leaked onto the internet earlier this year. RiRi said she had originally sent the pictures to an ex-boyfriend (gee, I wonder who), because she thought it was hot.

RiRi went on to say that she was embarrassed when the public at large got an eye full of her alien balls, "I just felt like my whole privacy was taken before that and then, when that came out, I thought, 'oh great, so now there's nothing they don't know about me and my private life. It was humiliating and it was embarrassing - especially my mum having to see that. It was two days before Mother's Day, so I was nervous. I sent her flowers first before I called and then she texted me - when the world is against me she's always there supporting."

Let's go back to this "sending your boyfriend naked pictures" thing. RiRi didn't say anything about your boyfriend returning the favor by sending you an HD DVD of him playing with his peen under a bright light. And she also didn't mention collecting a credit card number with expiration date and security code before sending him the naked pictures. I'm confused. RiRi wants you to give the gift of your nakedness without getting anything in return? Huh? Wha?! Huh?

It's not like you're going to have an orgasm every time he jacks off to the pictures. My motto is: If it doesn't make your pussy pucker or your wallet burst, then don't do it.

Yesterday afternoon, People Magazine sang from the mountain tops that Jakey had slipped on his favorite tutu (the purple one with pink butterflies on it) and pirouetted out of Reese's life forever. A few hours later, Reese's spokesbitch cursed People's name for fucking with his weekend and a denial was issued. Well, now People is saying that their source swore on a stack of Sexiest Man Alive covers that Reese told her friends they had broken up.

The source added that the two have broken up a few times over the years. The main issue is that Jakey is ready to walk down the aisle with a lace veil over his head and a fancy bouquet in his purdy hands, but Reese is farting on that idea. The source went on to say, "As much as everyone thinks they're right there, they're really not near the whole marriage thing. Jake would marry her tomorrow, but Reese doesn't want to go there yet, even though he would like to. There's a huge attraction between them, and they've becomes a team, partners, but Jake can be a little overbearing at times, and Reese is really happy with life right now. Why screw that up or change a good thing?"

Reese could buy a small country with just one of her paychecks, so my guess is that she's not about to let anyone creep in on her money. Smart move. And Jakey only wants to get married because he wants a reason for bitches to throw glitter (no rice or bird seed for him) at him while he makes his way out of the church. I have a solution.

One of my friends didn't have a quinceanera, because her mother was in jail at the time (it's okay to laugh). So when she was in her 20s, she threw herself a belated quinceanera complete with the big white dress, the rhinestone tiara and mariachis. It was a mess, but thankfully there was an open Corona bar.

So my solution is that Jakey should throw himself a belated quince, so he can get the white doves and the choreographed dances he's been dreaming of. And Reese won't have to put a wedding ring on her finger. Problem solved!

Tommy Girl is going to give Stepford Katie a slew of "No You Didn't Girl" snaps for leaving her prison with ratty hair like this - Lainey Gossip

Hermione Granger in a two-piece - Egotastic!

Carmen Electra got me - Hollywood Tuna

The answer is YES YES YES - Towleroad

Heidi Klum's new BABY!!! makes her debut - Popsugar

George Hamilton didn't mean to leave the jungle. A crew member mistook him for their leather duffel bag and picked him up while they were making their way out - Holy Moly!

Katharine McPhee's blonde hair and shaggy dog jacket makes her look like a crackwhore on a 6-day bender. I approve. - Just Jared

Ivana Trump always sits like a fine lady (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

The greatest baby sitter (next to Christina Applegate) of all-time - Cityrag

CoCo brings her indestructible camel toe to London - Hollywood Rag

Nick Hogan still has a drivers license - Celebitchy

Lady CaCa falls, keeps her tuck intact - I'm Not Obsessed

Before they were crackheads.... - SOW

Jennifer Aniston must be taking styling tips from Colin Farrell and Johnny Depp - ICYDK

Sandra Bullock's swap meet wig is giving the constipated vampires a run for their money - Socialite Life

Fuck the Tiger Woods story. Screw that White House crashers bullshit. This right here is the most interesting thing that made its way into my inbox this weekend. It's Surprised Kitty! But a few tips before you watch.

Your heart may barf rainbows faster if you scream "Put up your dukes" right before Surprised Kitty gives us his paws. If that doesn't hug your soul, try playing "Razzle Dazzle" over this cuteness.

As you can tell, I've been spending too much time with this clip. At least 1,289,830 of its views came from my laptop.

A couple of weeks ago, Anthony Michael Hall's ex-girlfriend Diana Falzone took out a restraining order against him after he allegedly bashed her head into a wall. Diana said that AMH was definitely drunk at the time and might have been off the meds he takes for his bi-polar disorder. AMH's denied that allegations.

Page Six got a hold of the police report and published more details from that night. According to the report. AMH "bit his girlfriend's forehead" and "pushed, shoved, and spit at her." Officers arrived at Diana's Midtown Manhattan apartment and escorted AMH out of the building. He was briefly questioned, but he's currently not under investigation.

Every single police officer and detective at Midtown North precinct house must be serious "The Geek" fans, because why wouldn't they be investigating his ass?

If this is true, then Cesar Milan needs to put AMH into the submissive position and muzzle his mouth so he can drag him down to the Dog Psychology Center for rehabilitation. Yes, I watched a lot of The Dog Whisperer this weekend.

When I woke up this morning, I was hoping to see new pictures of a hot piece with wood, but this is not really what I had in mind. That being said, my genitals will still snatch it up and run.

Here's Colin Farrell at LAX with his latest baby mama Alicja Bachleda, and also sunning his nipples in Mexico.

Colin and Alicja decided to leave their 2-month old baby friend at home, because nothing kills orgasms like non-stop crying and the scent of fresh diarrhea. Well, unless you're Sarah Jessica Parker. That bitch sniffs a dirty diaper like it's a bottle of poppers.

Chelsea Clinton and her boyfriend Marc Mezvinsky are officially engaged. Like for real this time. There were rumors that the two already attached ball and chains to their ankles in Martha's Vineyard this past summer, but that was just all a lie. They sent out this e-mail to friends and family:

"We're sorry for the mass email but we wanted to wish everyone a belated Happy Thanksgiving! We also wanted to share that we are engaged! We didn't get married this past summer despite the stories to the contrary, but we are looking toward next summer and hope you all will be there to celebrate with us. Happy Holidays! Chelsea & Marc"

Hooray. Pass out the cigars.... Actually, that probably isn't a smart move.

And in hotter news, while I was looking for a picture of Chelsea and Marc, I came across this stunning work of art that made my fingers stop in their tracks and my skin catch on fire for a quick second (insert your flamer joke here):

This gorgeous plate of fried tomatoes and sauteed eggplant was photographed outside of a Barbara Streisand concert, which was attended by Chelsea. I really hope Chelsea makes this woman her flower memaw. She deserves the position.

Anyway, congrats to Chelsea and Marc. And thanks to them, because if they didn't get engaged I would've never come across this gorgeous specimen.