Last weekend, Sheriff Obvious McDuh got on his little stage and tap-danced while singing about how the Balloon Boy incident was just a big hoax. Well, what the sheriff didn't tell us was that Balloon Boy's mom let the air out just two days after we all wasted our time watching that stupid ass balloon in the sky.
According to CNN, Mayumi Heene barfed the truth out to investigators and said they had planned the whole thing for two weeks. Mayumi confessed that they did it so that the media could slobber all over them and they could get their own reality show. The sad thing is that it kind of worked. This is why the media should be run by cats. Cats would have never cared enough to fall for this shit.
While half of Colorado was searching for Falcon Heene, Mayumi said they knew that he was hiding in the attic all along. Mayumi and her husband Richard told the kids to lie to the police and to the media to keep the charade going. The Gosselins needs to send Richard and Mayumi a bundle of balloons as a thank you gift for making them look like the greatest parents who ever parented.
Sheriff Obvious already said that the Heenes would most likely be charged with conspiracy, contributing to the delinquency of a minor and attempting to influence a public servant. Child Protective Services is also investigating the fuckery.
Richard Heene continues to deny that it was a hoax. The funny thing is that Richard and Mayumi have different lawyers. It sounds like Mayumi is ready to sell her husband out so that she doesn't have to simmer in a jail cell. Mayumi should at least give her husband a farewell care package of Prep H and a sewing kit. Richard's precious haircut is going to make him mighty popular in the clink.
And not only should cats run the media, but they should also raise Balloon Boy and his brothers.
Tracy Morgan tells Playboy why he likes to kiss the no-no with his peen:
"I like fucking ass! Ain’t nothin’ like the butthole. The ass is a delicacy, goddamn it. I’d put hot sauce on it. When you eat the brown hole, that’s when her toes do this. [sticks legs out and curls toes] You got to be willing to do anything to please your woman, to satisfy her. I didn’t invent it. You think I was the first one to think of having anal sex with a girl? Hell, no. I’m quite sure Adam fucked Eve in the ass. In the Garden of Eden he tore her ass up, and she was screaming like a motherfucker."
The dudes out there should know that pouring hot sauce on the ass is probably not the best idea unless you're totally okay with seeing your dick on the opposite side of the room.....unattached from your body. However, if you're fucking me with me, go ahead and throw all the condiments on it. Do what you gotta do.
On last night's season finale of The Real Housewives of Atlanta, Kim's wig bit at NeNe, and NeNe tried to choke that bitch out. Kim's wig must have ate the footage, because they didn't air any of the fight. But they did air the aftermath, and NeNe declared that her friendship with Kim was as dead as Sheree's bank account. Well, last night in Los Angeles, the two put down their shanks down and hugged it out in front of Mr. Chow's.
Nothing brings two famewhores together like the paparazzi. This makes me think that the whole fight staged. SANTO DIOS! And if the fight was staged, maybe the whole show was staged. And if the whole show was staged, maybe all of our lives are staged? I don't know what to think anymore. I'm just going to choose to believe that NeNe still hates Kim. NeNe obviously had too many white wine spritzers last night, and mistook Kim for Alexis Arquette (no offense to Alexis) Yeah, that was it.
Earlier in the day, Kim had lunch with fellow Bravo bitch Chad from Million Dollar Listing. Hopefully, Chad is listing Kim's wig on the market. The comps say that he can probably get two packets of horsey sauce from Arby's for it.
This is an unofficial sequel to The Chinatown MUNI Fight called Don't Fuck With A Big Bitch In A Hot Pink Dress.
Actually, don't mess with anybody on public transportation. This is why you keep your eyes, ears and mouth to yourself. SEE NO EVIL!
A mother and her son didn't abide by those rules of life when they were riding through Los Angeles the other day. They decided to bring the hate and start some shit with the wrong tranny on her birthday. And yes, the tranny decided to give herself a little birthday gift by spraying the kid in the face with mace before disappearing into the night. You know, I think I'm going to walk from now on....
And please don't tell me "macing a kid on the subway" is the new "slapping a kid in Walmart."
THAT PICTURE. I truly believe that Jon Grosselin and that poop van were both only put on this plane to take that picture together. That is their only poopose in life. They can shut it down now. Because we all know Jon's purpose in life is not to star in reality shows. CBS obviously didn't get that memo, because they are about to begin talks with Jon to join the cast of the next Amazing Race or Survivor. It seems CBS has a douche quota to meet too.
Some source (aka Hailey's weekend dealer) told Radar, "Jon is planning to fly to Los Angeles in late November for a meeting about appearing on one of the shows. Nothing is a done deal yet. This is in the very early stages."
And you know the evil warlords at CBS would really try to destroy us by pairing Jon up with Michael Lohan. Hopefully, CBS has Jon in mind for Survivor: Chernobyl or The Amazing Race....Right Off The Face Of The Earth.
I'm kind of surprised that Jon would actually consider going on Survivor. Dude was already banished from one tribe (aka his own family), and now he wants to get banished from another? Glutton for punishment.
Which celebrity has been punting around that he has a porn to sell, but of him with a goat? Your extra clue: Thankfully, we're pretty sure he's having a bubble. (3am)
"Having a bubble" must be Brit-talk for "having a laugh," but goat porn is no joke. My guess is Russell Brand?
This Hollywood golden girl is back in the media spinning beautiful stories about the cozy home life that she and her equally famous actor bf enjoy. Bet she doesn’t blab that the pair are contractually bound together for at least one more year. Her paramour’s boy-toy, however, doesn’t like playing second fiddle so this might all not end well. (Popbitch via Blind Gossip)
I'll go with the popular guesses and say Reese & Jakey or Squinty & B.Coop? On second thought, is Betty White dating anyone?
What married with child/ren barely an A list movie actor is very quiet on planes. It isn't so much that he is quiet but rather that he will not talk to the flight attendants or any passengers who approach him. When the flight attendant asks him for a drink he has either told his assistant ahead of time or whispers it to his assistant who passes it along to the flight attendant. This is repeated throughout the flight. If a passenger comes up to him during the flight , the assistant talks for the actor and the actor either nods or shakes his head in response to autograph requests. Oh, he does make exceptions for very attractive women. (CDAN)
Dita Von Teese wearing the Christmas tree topper I bought on clearance at Urban Outfitters a couple of years ago. Bitch knows a deal - Just Jared
I know your week is not complete until you see a picture of Hohan's titty hanging out, so here you go - Egotastic!
Sean Cody's soon-to-be newest recruits - Towleroad
Miseralba's daughter is already wearing extensions. They grow up so fast! - Popsugar
Dear Adrianne Curry, everyone knows Wino injects into her butt lips, not her arms - Hollywood Tuna
Mimi in Rio - Lainey Gossip
If only all Halloween pumpkins looked this classy (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather
Pieces of trash - Hollywood Rag
And I think Jodie Sweetin was also drunk when she agreed to name her memoir "Unsweetined" - Celebitchy
Gwen Stefani looks different - Socialite Life
A NYC club realized they were losing too much money in booze revenue by banning Blohan - ICYDK
Rose McGowan is starting to look like the cartoon version of Samantha from Bewitched - Cityrag
Everything you need to know about Leonardo DiCaprio is in this 2-minute long video of clips taken from a documentary from the olden days called Hangin' With Leo! Seriously, you learn all sorts of awesome facts about Leo like:
Leonardo was named after Leonardo da Vinci: One of the talking heads seems to think this means that his parents were really artistic. Personally, I think this means Leo's parents are future tellers, because they knew one of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles would be named Leonardo, and they wanted their son to be associated with greatness.
Leonardo loves doing karate kicks: See above comment.
Leonardo's childhood nickname was "Leonardo Retardo": Why do I think Leonardo's parents were the first ones to call him that?
Leonardo loves fast food AND quality lit-er-rature: DAMN! Leonardo Retardo is karate kicking through stereotypes!
Leonardo is part of "The Cat Pack," and they regularly stalk girls as they come out of night clubs early in the morning: It makes sense that they are called "The Cat Pack," because all the cats I know regularly hang out in front of bars to pick up stray pussy.
Bronson Pinchot pirouetted into our no-hearts when he spilled the shit on Tommy Girl, Denzel Washington and Eddie Murphy to The Onion's A.V. Club. In the interview, which was so beautiful that I almost tattooed it to my asshole (it's long enough), Bronson said that Denzel is about as pleasant as taking a dump in a truck stop bathroom, and that Tommy Girl is an expert at telling homophobic jokes (example: "You want some ice cream, in case there are no gay people there?").
The Wall Street Journal contacted Bronson to see if he was just making jokes or if he was being serious. Bronson took the time to explain:
WSJ: Were you serious or joking when you said Tom Cruise made “constant unrelated homophobic comments” while on the “Risky Business” set?
"The context of the question was, 'how did he strike me as a person' at a point in his career when he was a virtual unknown. And my answer was that, coming straight out of the world of theater, as essentially all the supporting male actors did, where homophobic language was not heard, I remember thinking his use of it was remarkable and excessive; however, it is also true to say, in hindsight, that for a 20 year-old with no background in theater, such language is actually unremarkable. Which I did not know at 23."
WSJ: What about the remark that Denzel Washington is one of the most unpleasant people you’ve met?
"I regret my choice of words there, and would like to amend my statement by saying I found his willingness to be ungenerous, unkind, knowingly hurtful both mentally and physically to myself and the crew to be the saddest misuse of stardom I have ever experienced or hope to experience."
WSJ: Did either actor, or their reps, contact you after the story broke?
So, basically, Bronson is standing by his words of poetry. If that man ever needs a nipple, he can have mine.
And Tommy Girl hasn't contacted Bronson, because he's waiting until the two meet in a dark alley somewhere. When that moment finally comes, Tommy will snap at Suri to hit "play" on his princess boombox, and he will challenge Bronson to a swish off! Bronson better work on his sway, because Tommy will bring it hard!
Pamela Anderson's pool and Brooke Hogan's grill now have something else in common. Not only are they both owned by hos whose brains have been damaged by peroxide and "deep thoughts," but now they are both covered in platinum. Yeah, nothing will bankrupt you faster than a pool covered in platinum tiles.
In a new documentary that aired in the UK, Pamela Anderson gave viewers a tour of her unfinished Malibu mansion. Pamela is currently living it up in a trailer while construction crews work to finish her Casa de Hep. Even though Pamela has denied that she's broke, she admitted that construction on the house is over budget by millions of dollars. Pamela still has to fork over $800,000 to finish that shit up. Part of that is to blame on the fact that Pamela is covering her pool with platinum tiles. Pamela said, "This is where the magic happens. I'm tiling the floor with platinum - that's expensive."
Pamela said that when she's done with the project, she's going to unload that bitch like a cum shot out of Tommy Lee's dick hole, "I'm going to sell it. I hate it. People commit suicide over constructions. Relationships break down over constructions and I can see why. It rips your heart out."
Who does Pamela think she is?! A Saudi prince?! A character on Beverly Hills Teens? Teresa from The Real Housewives of NJ? I mean, PLATINUM POOL TILES?! Really, Pamela, there's less expensive ways to make yourself look like a major asshole (i.e. like running around on catwalks half-nekkid).
Here's the soon-to-be newest member of The Foreclosure Club promoting Peta's anti-seal hunt campaign by dry sexing a plushie seal outside of Ontario's legislature building in Toronto.