Archives

Now we finally know where MiserAlba got her beautiful bitchface from. She got it from her moms! Yeah, I too thought this was Kathy Griffin in a remake of Shallow Hal, but it's just MiserAlba's mama je'e.

You know, I think I might have a bitch crush on Catherine Alba. I mean, she's a ginge, albeit a fake ass one, and she's mastered the total cuntface. I'm also getting a little bit of "Jeana from The Real Housewives of Orange County" flavor from her. And who doesn't love Jeana?

I hope Catherine crop dusted MiserAlba after she said this shit about her mom last year, "Everyone in my family is heavily overweight I wanted to be healthier, so I started cooking for myself when I was 12 years old."

Heavily overweight?! What an asshole! That's big and beautiful to her! I guess MiserAlba is a bigger bitch than her mom. Well, she was given the tools and she did it better.

Here's Big MiserAlba and Lil' MiserAlba doing stuff yesterday. And also Lil' MiserAlba with new hair today. It's nice to see that her new haircut didn't fuck with her precious bitchface.

Buddy Lembeck from Charles in Charge and Tommy Bradford from Eight is Enough said farewell to this world of heartbreak and tears and tried to do himself in! Thankfully, he didn't go through with it. And because I know you're thinking it, that extremely sexy hot outfit is safe too. I'm going to look for that exact pattern at JoAnne this weekend. I'm gonna do mine up in royal blue with neon yellow trim.

So why did Willie want to leave us early? Well, his wife of 22 years, Maylo Upton (hot name, right?), left his ass and filed for divorce. Willie hasn't made any cash since Celebrity Fit Club, so he had to declare bankruptcy. And his car got repossessed. Put all those three together and there you have Willie's reason.

Willie told Star Magazine, "I stole a bottle of Jack Daniel's from the guy I was renting the room from," Willie tells Star in an exclusive interview. I'd been sober for 20 years when I took that first drink. I was also taking antidepressants and anti-anxiety pills. It got so bad, I put a knife to my throat and cut myself in six places. The police came, put me in handcuffs and whisked me away. I was completely devastated... I kept asking, 'What did I do wrong?'"

Willie was thrown into the loony bin at USC and with their help he's trying to crawl back out from his black hole.

Forever jolly Buddy Lembeck in the psych ward?! Sads.

Where is Scott Baio when you need him, because it sounds like Charles needs to be in charge of Buddy Lembeck. "I waaaaant Charles in charge of me!" And because that song is now stuck in my head for the rest of tonight, watch this so that you can join me:

Yes, this is totally real. But honestly, it's still kind of gross. At first I thought it was a video of Bronx Mowgli's birth. This has to be a viral video for Ray-Ban, American Apparel or some other shit.

This seriously explains explains where a lot of the dudes in my neighborhood come from, because most of them are just as slimy. That said, I'd still hit it, cow cooch smegma and all.... The dude, not the cow, you sick fuck!

VIA Towleroad

I don't think I can call Tori Spelling "Tori the Hutt" anymore since lost a lot of chunk. Now she kind of looks like an elderly praying mantis doing a terrible Carol Channing impersonation. She's still fug, though. Fug light!

When the new 90210 was announced, I was seriously all about it. Mostly because Brenda Walsh was one of the first bitches in my life who taught me how to really hate with all your heart and soul. After watching every episode, I just don't know.... I'm trying soooo hard to love it like the old shit, but the only time I'm not pitching my berries to stay awake is when Brenda and Kelly are in a scene together. I get off on that shit because I know how much they fucking hate each other in real life. Shannen just wants to take Jennie's hair, braid it into pigtails, kick her on all fours and ride her into traffic. I can see the look in her eyes. But Brenda's run is coming to an end. And what's even worse is that the producers want to bring Donna Martin back. AHHH!

Michael Ausiello claims Tori is in final talks to do several episodes. The deal will probably be complete today. Tori reportedly didn't want to come back sooner, because she was afraid of working with Shannen. That's right. Shannen would fuck that bitch up for talking shit on her in Tori's book. Although, that might be a good thing for Tori since Shannen could probably beat some pretty into her fug face.

If Donna Martin comes back and Brenda Walsh stays away, I just don't know how much longer I can watch this mess. That annoying bitch Annie is just begging to get slapped in the teeth.

Image: Fame Pictures

Thanks Alia

The time has come upon us to determine who will take the crown and sash from international supermodel Phoebe Price to represent Dlisted with elegance and grace as the new Hot Slut of the Year.

I've broken this shit down into 3 rounds to make it easier for you to choose. The winner of each round will battle it out in the finals. Yeah, I take this shit seriously.

Today, your ass is voting between the Hot Sluts of January, February, March and April of '08. I can't believe I actually forgot about Chloe Lattanzi for a quick second, but now she's back in my life and scaring me more than ever!

You have a day to vote. The winner of round 3 will be announced tomorrow around this same time. Here are your choices:

January: Dr. Drew - Walking sex with a prescription pad!
February: La Pequeña - The year's greatest leading mini-ladyman!
March: Pete Doherty - Church-going soberist!
April: Chloe Lattanzi - The star of my springtime night terrors!

Voting is in the sidebar to el right. Happy Voooooting!

I'm alone in this, but I kind of like Drew Barrymore's new fried out, trailer trash, rat's nest - Hollywood Tuna

The Over the Moon Watch: The ScarJo Edition - Popsugar

Bar Refaeli is hot in the body - Egotastic!

Kylie Minogue has a type - Lainey Gossip

Reese Witherspoon and her lezzie lover. Well, he is in flannel - Just Jared

Hilary Duff wants to be part of the holy Brangelina family - Hollywood Rag

Um. When can we meet Chris Evan's brother? - Towleroad

Regis & Kelly porn (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Mimi is titty-challenged - Cityrag

Jenny McCarthy is good - Holy Moly!

Nobody makes me want to do harm to my laptop monitor the way Fishsticks Paltrow does. But I have to take a deep breath, stuff an Oreo Cakester in my mouth and realize it's just the messenger. I really should torture a big plate of Gorton's.

So, you know what Fishy thinks of those who don't like her big, steaming pile of maggot covered poop called GOOP? She feels sorry for you. It gets better. She said, "I think part of the problem is people get a hit of energy when they are negative about something, and it is a very detrimental way for them to get that hit of energy. They do not understand why they do not have a happy life. That kind of stuff is just noise to me. I just feel sorry for them."

All the energy I get from absolutely despising this hag isn't going to help me pull the stick lodged in her tight ass, because it's there forever. And the stick is who I feel sorry for the most. That stick has to put up with her runny caca for the rest of its days. Her asshole could bawl brown tears every second of the day from her stupid ass detoxing and that stick would still not fall out.

And let me just sprinkle a little more of her pretentious butt nuggets on you. When asked why she decided to start a newsletter where she can talk about drinking a half-cup of castor oil to get the shit going and her favorite $10 million cashmere toe covers, she said, "I have this incredible, blessed, sometimes difficult, very lucky, very unique life, and I've gotten to travel all over the place and to work and live in different cities. … I go on tour with my husband and go to cities I would never necessarily go to. So I started accruing all of this information. I am the person my friends call when they want to know: "I am redoing this bathroom, and I want a sink that looks midcentury, but a contemporary version of a midcentury. Where should I go?" or "How do I make your (recipes)?" … I thought this would be a fun, creative way to share with friends."

Oh. My. God. For someone who promotes eating seeds and grass to stay healthy, this bitch really makes me want to eat a jumbo bowl of sugar, preservatives and fat. And that's what I'm going to do right now to keep me from strangling an innocent fishstick.

It's day two of our experiment on their whole "Open Post" thing. Yesterday was interesting. Anyway, this is where you can comment about whatever the hell you want. You can talk about how these pictures of Steve Martin in St. Barts makes the panty pudding flow or whatever else you want. It's whores' choice. Again, if you fight, don't fuck up the furniture.

We need to work on making Lily Allen a U.S. Citizen so that she can become our new Surgeon General instead of that TV doctor, because she knows what's really good and bad for us. Take cocaine for instance? It's not that bad! That's what Dr. Lily claims. She opened up her rant trap again and defended the evil doer known as cocaine.

Lily said, “The only story is that drugs are bad and they will kill you - you will become a prostitute, a rapist or a dealer. But that's not true. I know lots of people who take cocaine three nights a week and get up and go to work. But we never hear that side of the story. I wish people wouldn’t sensationalize it. Some people are just bad at taking drugs.”

Lily should really teach a class in our grade schools about how to take drugs "the good way."

I'll admit that my nose has danced with the white fairies once or twice or a hundred times. Hey, it was the 80s! I was in kindergarten. It was the thing to do in the sandbox. Seriously, I dabbled with that shit and I'm not a dealer, a rapist or a postit.... Wait. Define "prostitute."

And don't mind Lily! It's just the coke that's making her babble. Throw a few lines her way, and she'll shut it.

No, Brit Brit and her Cheetolings are not dressed in their mourning black to say goodbye to her freedom. Brit Brit dressed up and got a flea bath for her brother's New Year's Wedding! And how long do you think she held a conversation with that giant nutcracker before Daddy Spears had to break the devastating news to her. Brit shouted, "But we unnerstan' each othah! I was fixin' ta marry up wif him!"

Well, even if he wasn't made of wood, they still couldn't get married without a yes nod from Daddy Spears. Two days ago, court papers were filed making it official that Brit Brit is now under the command of lawyer Andrew Wallet and Daddy Spears for eternity! Or until they decide that if they release her from the leash, she won't run into the streets with her chonies off and slobbering at the mouth for a Frapp.

A judge made the ruling back in October, but the conservatorship became legally permanent on Monday. Brit agreed with the decision. The order states that Brit Brit isn't right in the brains just yet, so she is "unable properly to provide for her personal needs for physical health, food, clothing, or shelter.”

OK! says that the main reason to make Daddy Spears Brit Brit's permanent keeper involved her world tour. Apparently, she couldn't get insured unless the conservatorship was in place. They were originally going to take the chains off of her on December 31st, but when they found out nobody would insure her possumshit crazy ass, they had to make it permanent.

Don't fret. Our Lady of Cheetos will karate chop her way through this shit, because she's a Karate Kid. I just wish she would "wax on" that weave a little bit, because it's looking a little straw-ey.

And just because I feel like I have to: "HI YALL! Brit Brit here, just wanted to update you all on the size of my vagina. Its about 4 feet wide with razor sharp teeth."

Image: BS.com