If you ever need a spokeswhore, hire HoHan, because her statements always sound like they were written by a 9-year-old girl (or me). When asked by Life & Style if it was true that she was no longer scissoring SamRo's clam box, she said, "We didn't break up. No. People need to stop creating drama, it's gross." Personally, I would've added an "Ewwwwww" and a "Shut up!"
Not only did HoHan gross about it with Life & Style, but she also went on her own blog to deny that shit, because it's not like she's doing anything else. She wrote:
little piece of TRUE information:
we did NOT break up!
access hollywood, extra, et, every tabloid, page six... AND every GOSSIP website. Get your stories straight please. It's really annoying to have all of your friends emailing you saying, i saw, i read, etc... NOT TRUE
It's gross. NOT TRUE. And the GOSSIP needs to stop. Got it?! Good. But wait. Do you think creating drama is gross when you leak it to the tabloids for extra coke cash? HoHan thinks not.
You know, I'm glad to hear they're not breaking up, because this is not how it's supposed to end! HoHan's supposed to roll on Ecstasy, wander through rural Fresno, knock on a stranger's door and tell them she's the daughter of God. That's how real fauxmosexuals end their lezzie relationships. I hope HoHan learned something from Anne Heche.
P.S. - The only thing gross about any of this is HoHan's bi-color weave in that picture above.
Just pretend to care, okay! Hearts have been broken! You skanks go and comfort JLove's "size 2" ass and I'll try to cheer up Patricia Arquette's bodacious breasteses. I'll spoon feed them Neapolitan ice cream while rolling my eyes at their weepiness.
We've all been there! It's the fucking worst when your friend is bawling and saying they are going to kill themselves because some dumb ho dumped them. You sit there, holding their sweaty hand, trying to show in your face that you care. You're thinking to yourself, "I need to get this bitch a Casual Encounters ad on Craigslist ad so that they can fuck the pain away and I can go watch Real Housewives!" Although, I do love using lines like "He's not worth your tears" or "His loss! I sucked his dick in the bathroom anyway." Just say the last line if they really won't shut the fuck up.
Anyway, JLove and Patricia Arquette's friends may be giving the fake "I care" face, because both of their relationships went bust.
People says that JLove and her creepy fiance canceled their engagement around the holidays. They were engaged for 1 year and dated for 2. A source said, "They're both really sad about this. Even their friends are surprised; they seemed really happy. Everyone just wants the best for both of them."
He probably got sick of her claiming she's a size 2 when he called her fat. The nerve of some people. And she probably got sick of him giving sex eyes to small animals. Look at the dude! You know he's into some sick shit!
I'm sure we'll see JLove's ass on the cover of some magazine with the headline: "I'm single and loving it! And I'm still a size 2!"
Now on to Patricia Arquette. UsWeekly says she filed for divorce today from her husband of 2 long years Thomas Jane. Of course, she blamed "irreconcilable differences" on the reason why her marriage tanked. Is there ever any other reason? The two have a 5-year-old daughter named Harlow together.
I hope both of these bitches broke it off AFTER the holidays. That shit is the way to go. If you need to dump someone, break it off with their asses after the season of giving so that you can still collect your presents! Don't ever do it before. If you think you're going to get dumped, stall that shit until your gift is underneath that tree! And if they didn't give you shit because they knew they were going to end it with you, make them get you one! They have to, because technically you were still together. Sue their asses if they refuse! Judge Judy will definitely side with you.
What about Blaaaaaake?! Blaaake! Blaaaaake! I'll scream his name while running down the street barefoot since Wino obviously isn't anymore! Instead she's screaming Joooooshhhh. Joooosh. That shit just isn't the same. Your vocal cord doesn't wiggle when you scream Jooossshh. Josh should think about changing his name to something that's easier to scream. Think of the Wino!
Anyway, Josh Bowman is the name of the hot piece Wino has apparently been getting close to while on her neverending St. Lucia holiday. The Sun says Josh is some kind of rugby player and met Wino while on vacation with his mommy and sister.
I know what all of you are thinking, "What is that hunk of man doing with that gutter troll?!" You whores are so superficial! Maybe Josh loves the way the sun slightly melts her zombie skin in the morning. Maybe Josh loves tasting heroin snot and coke loogies when he kisses Wino. Or maybe he's always just gotten a boner for Gargamel. Whatever the reason may be, it's a good thing Wino is sucking on the skin pipe instead of the crack pipe!
At least I was respectful and didn't call him the First Pussy! Besides, we all know who the real First Pussy is. Stop! Now is not the time for my fuckery. We must mourn the passing of the second greatest member of the Bush family (Barney is the first, sorry).
The White House website says that the Bush's 18-year-old cat India passed away yesterday at home. India was given to Barbara when she was 9. India stayed with George and Laura when Barbara went off to college.
The family also called India "Willie" and "Kitty." Okay, she must have died from confusion, because they kept calling her ass all these different names! I'm joking again and now is not the time. I'll stop. But seriously, you know that evil Barney has something to do with this!
Rest in peace, India/Willie/Kitty......
Busty Hearts, the hot bitch who should have won America's Got Talent, took her chichis of mass destruction overseas to demonstrate her skills on a Spanish TV show. Now TMZ says one of Busty's tracks came out of her head while she was pounding melons, but I didn't see that shit. I get off seeing weaves pieces try to escape, so I watched it over and over again to see the exact moment, but it never came for me. Maybe because I was too busy trying to comfort my crying nipples.
And Busy still doesn't have shit on Aretha Franklin. Aretha can break a bowling ball in two just by flashing her CHICHIS (so big you gotta use all caps) at it.
Courtney Love's Malibu shopping outfit is making my eyeballs go in opposite directions, but it probably makes total sense to her. It's like she's wearing one of her blog posts. When I was a lil' homo, this is the kind of shit I would put together in my mom's garage using her old disco dresses, my sister's tap dancing outfits and my abuelita's fake jewelry. Just like Courtney, I too looked like a beat down Knott's Berry farm waitress with a bad Dilaudid addiction (shout out to Brittany from Interevention).
We're going to do this shit on fast forward. The biggest election in the history of all elections, Hot Slut of 2008, is right around the corner, but first we have to figure out who is taking December. You only have 24-hours to vote so make the ROJO right ROJO choice ROJO. Here's you have to ROJO pick from:
Daddy Spears - Brit Brit's grouchy-faced master and Velveeta lover!
The Shiba Inu 6 - Heartmakers and heartbreakers!
Cheetah Lady - Crazy taco-eating pussy in dire need of a condo!
Rojo Caliente - Your dream girl!
Voting is in the right sidebar. The winning slut will be named tomorrow around this time. Synchronize your Swatches!
I knew the first episode of Rock of Love Bus would make me feel like I needed Jesus in my life, but this shit exceeded my expectations. What...the fuck? After watching it, my saliva tasted like Boones-Farm-infused vomit, my crotch started itching like vag warts were starting to grow in and I had to look down at myself to make sure extra-large Hefty bags filled with melted down plastic weren't taking up space in my chest area. Seriously, it felt like the high level of skankness on the TV screen exploded all over me. I had to ask God to forgive me for my sins. During next week's episode, I'm going to wear a dental dam over my nose and mouth to protect myself.
I wish I had one last night while watching the moment above. Now, I consider myself highly knowledgeable when it comes to all things whorish, but this shit even blew my mind. Nikki, the ladyboy muppet, was "freakin' horny" so she decided to do a Buttery Nipple shot out of Gia's pussy right on the bar in front of everyone! I bet it tasted like an oatmeal cookie, because you know that dirty bitch Gia had yeast infection leakage.
Nikki is taking the whole "nasty slut with no self-respect" thing to levels beyond my imagination. She truly is my idol. Unfortunately, the only open vagina Vh1 is allowed to show is Bret Michaels' face, so they had to censor the whole amazing moment. And that bitch Heather falling on her ass at the end completes the clip.
It wouldn't be a Rock of Love episode without a good skankfight! This one below comes courtesy of the Brazilian drunk Marcia and the Juliette Lewis wannabe Ashley. It all started when Ashley made fun of Marcia's accent on the bus. When Marcia got a few gallons of tequila in her, she got revenge by throwing chips at Ashley and then choking her chicken neck! And Ashley totally fucking screams like a damn chicken getting finger fucked. I don't blame Marcia. I would've done that long before, because Ashley's voice is so damn irritating. She sounds like she's talking with a dick stuck in the side of her mouth. Open your mouth, bitch!
Even though that whole episode made me cleans out my genitals with OxiClean (and I mean that as a compliment), I'm still mad that they got rid of Nikki so soon. I mean, the ho did a shot out of another chick's coochie in the first episode! She would've been mixing martinis in her own poon by episode 3! Extra dirty with two crotch olives. Aw. What could've been....
Jump, Daisy! Jump! - Lainey Gossip
My kind of couple. Zhang Ziyi's boyfriend is tossing her salad on a public beach! - Egotastic!
Brit Brit's bits look sad - Hollywood Tuna
Let's not even joke about Bill O'Reilly joining The Strictly Dickly Club - Towleroad
Ty Ty's man is not smilin' wit hiz eyez - Just Jared
Jennifer Aniston and a million others having the time of their stupid lives in Cabo - Popsugar
Antonio Sabato Jr. is wearing too many clothes - Hollywood Rag
Your liquor cabinet is safe. Tara Reid is still in the tank - I'm Not Obsessed
Scientology still hasn't cured Tommy's creepiness - Celebitchy
Annalynne McCord will forever be Eden from Nip/Tuck to me. Oh and here she is in a bikini (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather
JLo and Skeletor totally hate each other - SOW
I'm having a hard time looking at RiRi's maybe-engagement ring, because those fugly gloves have blinded me - Cityrag
Hugh Jackman is smart - ICYDK
HA! This sounds about right. Blame it on Vadge's influence.
And yes, Brit's Twitter was hacked.