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Asshole Simpson was probably crying in her daddy's lap (and he loooves it), because everyone forgot she existed. Even her baby's name is more famous than she is.

So when some bitches started calling Jessica a fat fuck cow who uses the jelly in donuts to brush her teeth and smothers her face in cake frosting before bedtime so that if she wakes up in the middle of the night there's a delicious surprise waiting for her, Asshole found an opportunity to get a little attention. The poster child for famewhoring wrote this on her blog:

I am completely disgusted by the headlines concerning my sister's weight. A week after the inauguration and with such a feeling of hope in the air for our country, I find it completely embarrassing and belittling to all women to read about a woman's weight or figure as a headline on Fox News.

All women come in different shapes, sizes, and forms and just because you're a celebrity, there shouldn't be a different standard.

Is this something you would say to your wife, daughter, mother, grandmother, or even a friend? I seriously doubt it. How can we expect teenage girls to love and respect themselves in an environment where we criticize a size 2 figure?

Now can we focus on the things that really matter.

Somewhere in the world, Ashlee's old nose is thinking, "Bitch, shut up."

Asshole should really consult with Jessica before she pulls a JLove and starts throwing around the "size 2" shit. Jessica responded to the "You so fat that you start beeping when you back up" jokes to OK!, "Going from a size 2 to a size 8, that's not fat. If I weren't Jessica Simpson, no one would care."

In Asshole's defense, she can only count up to 2.

And what does the president have to do with Jessica's fopa? I'm going to start using that excuse when the creditors call, "I'm disgusted that you are calling me about being ten payments behind. It's only been a week since the inauguration. Let's focus on the things that really matter!"

P.S. - You can go back to forgetting that fucktard named Ashlee Simpson. Delete and reboot.

And here's my look for Spring! Pants are out, garters are in! - The Frisky

Billy Bob and St. Angie still talk. Wasn't this a blind item? - Celebitchy

The "Watch Paint Dry" show has been renewed - ICYDK

Lipstick Jungle just needs to be killed already - SOW

Mickey Rourke will stun his opponents by...well... just looking at them straight on - Holy Moly!

Olivia Newton-John's ex is the one that Philip Klein wants. Sorry - Scandalist

Tommy Girl being touched by a real life human girl. Even he looks surprised - Jezebel

Eamonn Holmes wants to slap RiRi in the tenhead - I'm Not Obsessed

Didn't Taylor McBride die in a freak lip injection accident? No, but somebody tell Lisa Rinna that so she can give up on the dream - Socialite Life

Most of us know that Nancy Cartwright, the voice of Bart Simpson, has been hypnotized by the alien evil lords. One year, she gave Scientology her entire year's salary: $10 million. But now she has gone too far. Nancy has dragged Bart into this fucking trainwreck! Or should I say spaceshipwreck?

Nancy is robo-calling for Scientology using the voice of Bart. Even my ears screamed "OH MY XENU."

Homer needs to come get his child and choke the L. Ron Hubbard out of him! And Matt and Fox need to come their lawyers so they can sue the fuck out of this crazy troll.

Poor Bart. I wonder what kind of shit Scientology has on him now?

That circle jerk with Milhouse and Martin was just meaningless experimenting, Bart. It won't ruin your career, because we won't hold it against you. Just step away from the aliens....

VIA Village Voice

Joaquin Phoenix said "BYE! GOOD" to Hollywood and told anyone who gave a shit that he was going to focus on music. And by "music," he meant homeless dude rapping. He debuted his sad hobo-on-a-subway act in Las Vegas a couple of weeks ago with his friend Casey Affleck documenting the whole pathetic show on camera. Now, two whores have told EW that Joaquin's new career is just a fucking 5th grade art project for him. A joke. A ha-ha. A funny. An "I got you." Like we didn't know that already?

One of the whores said, "He said, 'It's a put-on. I'm going to pretend to have a meltdown and change careers, and Casey is going to film it.'" The other whore piped in, "It's an art project for him. He's going full out. He probably has told his reps that he's quit acting. Joaquin is very smart. This is very conscious. He has a huge degree of control."

Art never looked so mangy.

Wouldn't it be so much fucking fun to just go around playing stupid ass jokes on everyone? Life is just one big fun game! I'm sure this shit is a stupid ass hoax, but Joaquin still has crazy bugs dropping crazy shits in his crazy brains. Joaquin needs to drop this fakery (also related to fuckery and faggotry) and go do something better with his life like re-grout my bathroom tile or teach my dog how to do the Macarena.

And Joaquin needs more people. Vanilla Ice already played that "I'm a white boy who can rap" hoax on everyone. Although, I don't think Vanilla has let us in on the joke yet.

Thanks Alia

The current Miss Croatia and one of the semi-finalists of Miss World has pissed off some bitches after she said some fucked up shit on Croatia's highest rated show Red Carpet. When asked by the show's host if Mr. Croatia (the Ken Doll on the right) wanted her ass, she replied, "Faggotry is taking a stride in this country if it's news every time a guy gets turned on by a girl."

I should be offended and appalled, but my laughs drowned those feelings out after I read the word "faggotry." I was searching for a way to describe to my mother what I do all day. And now I have one. Thank you, Miss Croatia.

I'm guessing faggotry is related to fuckery? Maybe it's fuckery's stepbrother? You know, the one who always wants to show the family his Santa Baby routine during Christmas. And sashays around the house with a tiara on. WAIT. A tiara that looks exactly like Miss Croatia's. Now, who's committing faggotry?

And here's a picture of Fuckery and Faggotry at Christmastimes together.

Source VIA ONTD

Thanks Karyn

Behold! The Empress of Lucite can do anything with her powerful exquisite lucite heels on. She can walk a Kim Zolciak tightrope, she can waltz over hot coals, she can glide on quicksand and she can even ride a Segway. Wait. When Shauna rides a Segway, its name is automatically changed to a So-Ele-Gant-Way.

I know you're thinking that Shauna should be able to float on her magical lucite heels without a Segway, but again, she has a truly giving heart. Even Mother Theresa up in heaven is astonished by her selflessness. Because she is the Mother Theresa of Lucite, Shauna only used that Segway to give new life to it. You see, Shauna's French slave Romain wanted to rent a Segway so that he could float along with his Empress. When they arrived at the rental place, Shauna was immediately attracted to a broken down Segway. It sat there, sad and defeated. The rental ho said, "You don't want that one! It won't work. It's a piece of shit!" When Shauna placed one of her heels of magic on it, the thing suddenly sprang to life and danced around like it was new again. So Shauna took IT for a ride, so it could feel what it's like to be alive again. Just one more time. It's a touching story, isn't it?

Not only is Shauna the most beautiful and elegant woman in the universe, but she also finds love in her lucite heart for all things including broken down Segways.

Hi. I'm Unfuckable and this is my little brother Unemployable - The Hoople

Runners-up:

Adolf Hitler Campbell (left) and his sister JoyceLynn Aryan Nation Campbell enjoy a much-anticipated Christmas reunion. Separated at a young age, they have yet to locate little sister Honszlynn Hinler Jeannie Campbell. - Prommom

"A Christmas Story 2009: Ralphie & Randy, Where Are They Now?" - Boozehag

Sledge decided to go "DRUG FREE" a long time ago, so he wouldn't end up like his brother, Elliot Richard III - Anonymous101

Source: Josh Highland

Thanks Ben

The gay penguins who got married in China! - Two gay penguins in China were getting shade from the zookeepers because they kept stealing the abandoned eggs of female penguins at Polarland Zoo in China. The zookeepers finally said "fuck it" and let the gayguins raise the eggs. The two peenguins have done such a swell job that the zookeepers have awarded them with a big gay wedding. One wore a red blouse (the bottom) and one wore a bow tie (the top). They celebrated with a big plate of fish. Yeah, that fish shit threw me off too.

Congrats to these two precious gayguins! Homo love is everywhere and it's fucking beautiful!

Source

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