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In 2004, Salma Hayek and Colin Farrell made a shit show together called Ask the Dust. Never heard of it? That's because it's busy collecting dust in the back of every Blockbuster video that's still open (insert grim face here). While they were filming Blockbuster's future least-rented movie, they got it on. It didn't last long, because Colin was a busted mess back then.

Colin now claims he's all cleaned up and is ready to romance Salma a second time. Star Magazine (via TOTI) says that at the Golden Globes a couple of weeks ago, Colin got close to Salma's golden globes. Some nosy ho said, "While they were both backstage, he held her face and kissed her several times. It was very intimate, not just like they were pals."

Salma, Salma, Salma, never get involved with a Colin Farrell. He will never worship your holy tittays the way they deserve to be worshiped. Just let him motorboat for a few seconds, squirt a little Palmolive in his hair (please do that), give him some cab money and send him on his way.

Seriously, Salma deserves someone who will recite sweet poetry to her chichis every night. And bathe them in cocoa butter every morning. Someone who will skip with them through fields of flowers and gently hold them when they get frightened during a lightning storm. Someone who will bow every time they enter a room and weep every time they exit.

Colin won't do any of that. He'll just say, "You've got nice tits. Can I drop my jizz party on them, babe?" Blasphemy!

As some of you know, Fox is going to fuck with the legendary TV experience that is Absoultely Fabulous. Why, you ask? Because that's what we do in America. We take TV shows from other countries and try to find ways to get them canceled in record time. Although, Kath & Kim is still breathing and I'm not sure why. I'll have to ask Satan that during our weekly conference call.

Variety says Kristen Johnston is in talks to play Edina Monsoon in the pilot. Kristen was at a table read with Fox HBICs last Friday. Kathryn Hahn was also in the table read, but it's not known what role she helped butcher. I'm guessing Patsy?

You know who should play Edina and Patsy? Jennifer Saunders and Joanna Lumley! And only them! Kristen Johnston is fine, but she's looking a little like a Manhattan tortured wife who eats pill instead of food. Well, maybe she will work then? NO! She won't. Nobody will. Okay, Rojo Caliente and Phoebe Price would, but they would never agree to murder such a beloved classic.

This is going to be like Absolutely Fabulous dipped in oatmeal with bits of broccoli sprinkled on top. Instead of doing mounds of coke, they are going to get really "zany" on too much Red Bull. Instead of trying to have an orgy and failing, they are going to be humiliated during a speed dating session. It's going to be absolutely rated G.

I just want to tell the American version of AbFab to "take a holiday, darling. South of France."

Blog fight! Last week or so, MiserAlba acted like a know-it-all mega cunt (rose ceremony shocking, right?) to some reporter during an event in DC. She asked him some question about Obama and he didn't want to answer, because he said he's a journalist. A better answer would have been, "I'm a business woman!"

MiserAlba didn't like the journalist's response and told him to "be neutral - be Sweden about it." TMZ later called her a "ditz" for saying Sweden instead of Switzerland.

Also last week, MiserAlba called Bill O'Reilly an a-hole. Bill responded by basically saying she was a dumb fuck, but he used the word "misguided" instead.

Well, MiserAlba blogged all about it.

Last week, Mr. Bill O'Reilly and some really classy sites (i.e.TMZ) insinuated I was dumb by claiming Sweden was a neutral country. I appreciate the fact that he is a news anchor and that gossip sites are inundated with intelligent reporting, but seriously people...it's so sad to me that you think the only neutral country during WWII was Switzerland. Check out: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sweden_during_World_War_II if you want to see what I was referring to. I appreciate the name calling and the accurate reporting. Keep it up!!

TMZ put on their sarcasm gloves and typed out this response to her: "She is absolutely correct. Sweden was a neutral country ... 60 years ago. We apologize for not considering the political climate of the world in 1942 when we suggested she may have meant, 'Be Switzerland' -- a country that is currently neutral." ZING! BANG! POP!

I'm learning more shit about WWII from MiserAlba and TMZ than I did during two years of world history. Or was it three years? I don't know. I was asleep through most of that shit. I would've ditched, but I loved watching my world history teacher eat toothpaste before and after each class. One time he caught me saying, "Ewwww. He's doing it again." He shouted at me, "Do you know how much gum and mints cost?! I'm a teacher not a contractor!" That was hot.

All this talk about Sweden has me craving Ikea Swedish meatballs. Or as MiserAlba would call them "neutral balls."

And I must share with you my favorite comment on MiserAlba's blog about her response. It comes from this dude and it pretty much sums up everything: "i really don't know who u are or what u doing here but u really hottt girl...."

Why don't I ever get comments like that?!

SPOILER ALERT!! Every damn week, The Bachelor promises an OH-SO-SHOCKING rose ceremony. So shocking that you will run to your toilet, stick your head in and try to flush the SHOCKING moments you've just witnessed. Yeah, it's never shocking. Look at the ho above. She's at the supposedly SHOCKING rose ceremony and she's thinking, "This is supposed to be shocking? Wake me." I mean, The Bachelor ended up not giving out a final stupid rose. Basically, he passed me a giant bowl of BIG FUCKING DEAL.

The only thing that would really be shocking is if they finally admitted they were all robot aliens from a far off planet called Pathetica. Well, everyone expect for Stephanie. She is all human and all woman (and all gorgeous eyebrows). I mean, does a robot alien have a beautiful unicorn voice like this:

And only God's hands could have created those gorgeous eyebrows. And by "God's hands" I mean a tweezer and wax strips.

P.S. - Next week's episode features the most SHOCKING rose ceremony of all time and forever!

Victoria Silvstedt is the hardest working whore in the game. Example: band-aids over knees (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Mischa Barton is Princess Trytoohardy - Hollywood Tuna

Please please let Jennifer Aniston hand out Best Actress at the Oscars - Popsugar

Estupideces sexuales! I felt like I had to type that because I just read that on the cover of GQ Mexico starring RiRi - Egotastic!

Shit that makes me happy: Gay love on Wheel of Fortune!! - Towleroad

Posh will go wherever the cash goes - Hollywood Rag

Even Ryan Reynolds veins are hot and thinking that grosses me out - Lainey Gossip

But where will I get my weekly Amandaisms? ABC is run by the devil - Just Jared

Leggings = Assholes - Cityrag

Enough with this Jason Bourne vs. James Bond shit! The minute Jason Bourne gets into some tight panties and shows us the fucking goods the way Daniel Craig did in Casino Royale, I'll consider moving over to Team Bourne. But in the meantime, I'm sticking with Bond. If Matt Damon thinks I'm a caca person, then he would be right. But not because I love Bond.

You see, Matt thinks James Bond is really gross. He told the Miami Herald (via UsWeekly), "They could never make a James Bond movie like any of the Bourne films. Because Bond is an imperialist, misogynist sociopath who goes around bedding women and swilling martinis and killing people. He's repulsive."

Paging Ben Affleck! You're needed at the nursery. Please carry Matt to his crib, stick a pacifier in his mouth hole and sing him a sweet lullaby. Just when his eyes start to close for the night, whisper in his little ear, "Honey, don't be jealous."

Seriously, who gives a fuck about all that shit? I'm not thinking about that when I'm watching Daniel Craig. I'm only thinking, "Take off your top. Shoot that bitch. Suck that olive. Shake that ass. Take off your top. Shoot that bitch. Suck that olive. Shake that ass..."

This shit really looks like a Wet Seal store from 1994 exploded all over a super plus tampon. It's just the motherfucking punk rock tardess Avil Lavigne wearing her new line of short bus clothes for Kohl's called "Abbey Dawn." Abbey Dawn is Doucheanese for "Look like a special needs hooker."

This bitch suffers from the Wonky McValtrex disorder known as "still dressing like you're fucking 12." Avril should just stop trying and go retire on a maple syrup far or something. Her career has already reach its peak when she released the epic punk rock masterpiece that is SK8R BOI.

Ever since my heart turned back into ash after the Shiba Inu 6 broke up to focus on their solo careers, a lot of you whores sent me new puppy cams to try and fill the dead hole in my life (STFU if you're thinking what I think you're thinking about the "dead hole" comment).

None of the new puppy cams even came close to making my heart sing again. Well, this morning, my inbox was filled to Videogum's post on a new kitty cam featuring....you guessed it, genius: KITTENS!!!!

I've had it on most of the morning and I can say with complete confidence: this does nothing for me. I kept waiting for Kika, the Shiba Inu mommy, to stroll in for feeding time. And like Videogum pointed out, there's no sound on this kitten cam! How can I fall in love if I can't hear the furry pussy babies meow during their dream times?

For some of you, this may restore your faith in love after you thought it was all lost when the Shiba Inus went away forever. This is why I present this to you.

So that's why the asparagus I had last night smelled a little like period jelly?

This Super Bowl ad from Peta has been banned by NBC because they felt it was way too sexy. They issued Peta a long list of shit they have a problem with. Here's an example: "asparagus on her lap appearing as if it is ready to be inserted into vagina." Heather Mills just busted one after reading that.

Peta should air this shit on E! instead. They obviously don't have a problem with chicks rubbing their bodies on a vegetable (i.e. Girls Next Door).

Watching this shit really just makes me want to make dirty love to a delicious steak. I mean, some of the vegetables choices left my ass area twitching in pain. What is she going to do with that pumpkin? Forty five minutes later, she waddled into the emergency room screaming, "I accidentally fell on a pumpkin and it got suck in me vag!"

And when it comes to commercials involving vegetable fucking, this one still reigns supreme:

When these pictures of HoHan looking like a greasy chicken bone came out over the weekend, everyone figured she was forgetting to do a little thing called EATING. Her spokeswhore responded to that shit by telling Page Six, "Lindsay is aware that she's lost some weight due to stress, but we recently did a photo shoot and she ate two full meals."

Stress?! Yeah, it's really stressful trying to figure out if you're going to wear the black leggings...or the black leggings. All that stress! I'm surprised she's not going around punching baby squirrels in the stomach. You know, all that stress makes you crazy.

And yes, HoHan's meals consist of roasted cooch, coke pilaf, mashed Adderall with meth gravy, but they are still considered full meals! And she washes it all down with a cup of liquid protein (aka vodka). YES, vodka is chock-full of protein! A mixologist told me and they are pretty much doctors, right?