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Last August, many of you were mystified by Shauna Sand's power to walk on sand in her exquisite lucite heels. HA! Sand is no match for Sand! Just look at the way the little grains of sand jump out of the way when the Empress of Lucite makes her way through. She's like Moses parting the Red Sea (and don't think of periods, because she doesn't get those). Well, if Moses was an elegant and fragile lucite flower with golden hair.

Here is the most naturally beautiful woman in the world floating like the precious angel she is on the beach in Miami today with her dude. Shauna needs to click her exquisite lucite heels together and bring her dude's hair out of 1981.

At the opening of the W Hotel in Buckhead, GA last night, NeNe and Kim from The Really Broke Housewives of Atlanta came face to broke ass wig. According to fake fuck Kim, the reunion was wonderful. But according to NeNe, that hobag Kim will never wear the other half of her "Best Friends Forever" broken heart pendant.

Kim told People after she arrived, “I am actually waiting on NeNe right now. We are buddies. When the filming stopped, we had a glass of wine, talked and it was great. I miss her.”

On the other side of the coin, NeNe said, “Kim says that we are friends now, oh really? Well, I never make the same mistake twice. We can squash the drama, but we will never be friends. She is not a good friend. We can be associates, but never friends.”

Lisa Wu added, "I'm a business woman!"

Unfortunately, their reunion didn't end with Kim's tortured dog wig getting rushed to the nearest animal hospital after NeNe mauled the fuck out of it.

And It may be the sugar high talking because I just downed a huge Oreo and caramel shake, but this is the best I've seen Kim's wig look. Maybe she finally took that bitch in to get groomed properly at Petco.

Image VIA Nelson's News

I don't know if you've been following the mess known as Kelly Rutherford's custody battle with her gay-baby-faced estranged husband, but I have. I didn't really post any of the details on here, because I figured nobody really gave a crap. Judging by the lone Inside Edition microphone in Kelly's face, I was probably right about that.

The whole shit started when Kelly, who is knocked up with their second kid, filed for divorce from her millionaire husband Daniel Giersch. Kelly wanted to take her 2-year-old Herpes (opt: on purpose typo) to NYC this Sunday to shoot Gossip Girl. Her husband refused to let her go, so they all went to court!

During the past couple of days, GBF told a judge that Kelly gets all crazy while she's shooting and won't have time to care of Hermes. Daniel also said Kelly doesn't know how to wipe their son's ass properly and thinks it's creepy that she still breastfeeds him. In Kelly's defense, wiping ass is gross. Even your own. If I had to clean a baby's caca-covered ass, I'd just turn the garden hose on it. Now I'm going to close my fat mouth for now about the breastfeeding thing. The last time I touched it, La Leche League threatened to shut me up by sticking their lactating nipples in my mouth. All I can say is that maybe Kelly wants to bring Hermes to NYC because her nipples get lonely. OKAY! I'm stopping.

After all the drama and ass wiping allegiations, a judge decided that Kelly can take Hermes to NYC. During the next couple of months, Hermes will split his time between New York and L.A. while Kelly and GBF try to work out some kind of custody agreement.

They will all go back to court in April for more party times!

Sienna Miller's vagina of destruction is about to wreak havoc on Manhattan! Playbill has confirmed that my favorite happy homewrecker will make her Broadway debut in Miss Julie this fall. That shit is about fucking in old timey England or something like that. Just expect a lot of nipple slips from Sienna and maybe she'll throw in a crotch slip to really guarantee a Tony nomination.

There's no point in the wives of NYC twisting their husband's dicks like a pretzel and putting a padlock on it. Nope. Sienna Miller's Cloverpussy can bust through chains. Bitch has got the MacGyver of coochies. She can pick a lock with her clit and untie a knot with her labia lips. Skills.

I can't wait for the sluttery that Sienna will bring to NYC.

Oriental Trading Company is truly the finest catalog in the universe - Urlesque

George Clooney scrubs back into the ER - Popsugar

Katie Price's bodyguard tries to cop a feel. He should just grope a Tupperware bowl. It's the same thing - Hollywood Tuna

When McSteamy breaks his peen, everyone runs to Google - Towleroad

Alessandra Ambrosio is superhuman. Didn't she just have a baby like ten seconds ago? - Egotastic!

Those jeans are almost as fug as her face - Hollywood Rag

BEAUTIFUL - Cityrag

Why does Clive Owen look like my skeezy drunk uncle who always gets handsy with waitresses? - Just Jared

Cheetoella! - Lainey Gossip

Kim Kardashian's driver forgets about her (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

P.S. - This here blog is up for 2 Bloggies: Gossip and Blog of the Year. If you're bored and need to burn some calories, click here (you will burn 0.0025 calories doing this) to vote.

Jeremy Piven is the Kanye West of cable TV, but less cappy and filled with many more gallons of douchewater. Jeremy did a photo shoot with Page Six Magazine back in September to promote the Broadway play he later quit because he had rotten fish in his system or some shit.

The Piv was such a mega asstard during the shoot that Page Six Magazine has an article in this week's issued called: "Is Jeremy Piven the biggest jerk in showbiz?” The answer is brought to you by the letters: Y-E-S.

They say that at the shoot, The Piv was asked to pose for just a normal headshot. He answered, “This isn’t my first time on the merry-go-round. You want mediocre? I can give you mediocre.” Yeah, Jeremy, I've seen a couple of episodes of Cupid.

After about an hour of The Piv not giving it his all, he ducked under the camera, let out a "gutteral moan," ripped the sleeves off an Armani shirt and gave us the picture above. The GREATNESS inside his soul was finally able to pour out. Too bad all the shit he's got in there didn't come pouring out too.

The gutteral moan probably came from the jumbo stick of Mercury that's shoved up his colon. And he totally looks like he's suffering from the hard shits in that picture. Push that stick out so the caca river can flow, Piv.

Look! Miss Bliss gained some chunk, got a dyke haircut and fell in love with Screech! I knew those two had love in their eyes for each other. I'm not going to lie. I thought it that was Dustin Diamond (with Jakey Poo's droopy eyes) for a quick second. And then I felt faint picturing Gayken getting a Dirty Sanchez from Screech. Some shit (literally) you just don't want to imagine. Anycaca, Gayken and his Screech-looking man are here to host this open post for you. Whatever you do, don't lick his finger. Leave that to the Claymates.

But I will lick his finger as punishment for forgetting Dlisted's birthday today. I am the worst mother ever. The Shiba Inu 6 can drag my "Mother of the Year" plaque away, because I am just fucking terrible. One of my friends is the one to tell me today is Dlisted's 4th birthday. Yes, the mess started 4 years ago. Oh how times flies when you're being cunty.

Let's all raise a glass of Andre and wish Dlisted a HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Thanks for bringing all us cold-hearted whores with no morals together!

Why are the Girl Scouts doing this to me? Why are they killing me softly by putting less delicious bites of heaven into cookie each box? Why are they so evil?! They might as well deep fry me and throw me towards Aretha Franklin to put me out of my misery. This is fuck fuck fuckery beyond fuckery. I knew I couldn't trust those little bitches.

The Girl Scouts of America have stuck a rusty knife into my throat by announcing that there will be fewer Thin Mints, Do-si-dos and Tagalongs in boxes this year. Lucky for them, they didn't fuck with Samoas or there really would've been a shank fight. For real.

The Dallas News say the reason for the changes? The fucking economy. They have to cut costs. UGH! Always blaming our caca economy. One of the HBICs of the Girl Scouts said, "We aren't talking about a drastic change. We are just talking about a couple cookies."

No, we're talking about the difference between life and death. Think about it. What if you're happily chomping away on your last box of Thin Mints, savoring each one. Before you know it, your hand goes into the box and you feel nothing. You've eaten them all. According to your calculations, you had two left. But you completely forgot those evil Girl Scouts left two out on purpose. You weren't prepared for this. You panic. You tear your house in two to find more. You call everyone you know. Nothing. You even take a piece of peppermint gum and stuff it into an Oreo, but it's not the same thing. Suddenly you realize that the only reasonable option is suicide. It's the only way to stop the pain. You see, life and death.

The times that I did catch Jimmy Kimmel on TV, the one on that show that made me laugh the most was Veatrice Rice, one of the security guards. I can appreciate a woman with a filthy mouth that not even a Mr. Clean eraser can wash out.

Veatrice went off to heaven on Wednesday after battling cancer. Last night, Jimmy played the tribute video above for her. It gave me the sads, but then Veatrice said "cheese penis" and I got happy thinking of her cursing out the angels up there.

Rest in peace, Veatrice....

VIA ONTD

I know that's a picture of Sanjaya's sister, but if he were to pose nude, his picture would look a lot like this. But with more pubies on the face and a lot more Sanjayaness (aka fiiiiierceness) in the eyes. Now, you can go ahead and file this post under: "things you never wanted to know about Sanjaya but were told anyway."

On Howard Stern's (via MarksFriggin) show the other day, Sanjaya said he would gladly show off his peenjaya and his sangina but only in a "classy way." That means he wants to be laying on a bear skin rug with a single red rose between his nalgas. He went on to say, "“if it were a really classy…I wouldn’t do Playgirl…in the future, done right.” I'm thinking Sanjaya would like to pull a HoHan and recreate Marilyn Monroe's famous nude shoot. That's what he has in mind and he would Sanjaya the fuck out of that shit!

Sanjaya also denied that he likes a warm pair of skin nuts in his mouth every now and again. He told Howard that he loves the snatch and handed over his v-card when he was 16. He even has a girlfriend now and they do sexy times ALL the time. I bet that shit is pretty good for Sanjaya. His girlfriend's vagina lips laughing at his peen probably creates an extra vibration.

And now you might want to get a long skewer to poke out the images your brain will create after this next shit. Howard asked Sanjaya how big his peenjaya was. Howard is cute. He believes he actually has one of those! But seriously, Sanjaya said the last time he measured it was when he was 13. It was 6 inches then. That's your cue to put the skewer in!

Here's the future Playboy Playmate of 2010 leaving Good Morning America today looking like a wet El DeBarge on the bad shit.