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Ray J aka Brandy's little brother aka the crooked-dick motherfucker who busted one in Kim Kardashian's sex tape got his own dating show on Vh1! Vh1 is seriously like my drunk aunt who wreaks havoc at every family reunion. After I'm left picking up the pieces and cleaning up her barf, I think to myself, "This is the last time. There's no way this bitch is continue this fuckery." And what happens the next year? The bitch is unstoppable.

After Flavor of Love 234,876 ended and Rock of Love 12,345 started, I thought there was no way they would do anymore dating shows. But Vh1 has this one, Megan's Trophy Wife and Daisy of Love. The new STDs that will been born out of these shows....... My genitals quiver.

That said, I will be watching all three of these shows. Why? Because it's in my make up.

So it looks like Vh1 is trying to turn Ray J into the next Foofy Foofy with For the Love of Ray J which premieres on February 2nd. It's the same premise as Flavor of Love. Ray J will suck, fuck and muck through 14 uber skanks in hopes of finding one that licks his deformed peen the best, I guess.

You can go on over to Vh1 to see all 14, but I plucked out my favorite 3:

Chardonnay: More like MD 20/20. Chardonnay does have some exquisite eyebrows. But if she ever gets tired of painting them on, she should just shave off a little hair from her sad trail and glue that shit above her eyes.
Danger: Is that a damn rat tattoo on her face?!
Lil' Hood: The pit stains sold me.

I absolutely love that they didn't even bother Photoshopping these hos. This is how I like it. Why hide the dirty?

The RSPCA over in the UK is crying about bitches overdressing their dogs and said they might start threatening legal action. That's what the Daily Mails says anyway. Whores at the RSPCA thinks it's dangerous for dogs to be wearing boots, pants, hoodies and other shit.

The spokeswhore for the RSPCA said, "Dog owners should be aware that under the Animal Welfare Act that came into force in April 2007 they have a duty of care to ensure that all of their pets' needs are met. One of those needs is to express normal behaviour and it could mean that with restrictive clothing they are not able to do that properly. We're concerned that any pet should be viewed as a fashion accessory. Taking on an animal is a long-term commitment. It's quite humiliating and sends out the wrong message about pet care. We've seen trends in recent years brought about by the rise in celebrities with handbag dogs. This usually leads to people taking on pets because they are fashionable and sadly that means many are neglected."

First of all, my dog has to wear boots in the winter or he'll start screeching murder when he steps on a sidewalk salt nugget. It's awful. It's like the sound I made when I first got it in the butt. It's not something I want to hear all the time, so the boots have to go on!

Second of all, he gets the shakes if he doesn't have a sweater on during the winter! And it makes him feel fancy and beautiful. I know this. We talk. Yes, we only have words while I'm on acid, but that's how it's done. You know how Jem communicated to Synergy through her earrings? Well, I have to communicate with my dog through acid. Anyway, he tells me how glamorous he feels in clothes. He especially loves patterns and anything with phrases like "Talk to the Tail" or "I'll Sniff Yo Ass If I Want To." Ask him for yourself, but you have to drop acid first.

But seriously, I think that pooch in the picture hates it. I don't need to drop acid to hear her screams for help!

Image: Wenn

Correct me if I'm wrong. Ty Ty obviously has a little lipstick grease on her teefs, so Dani Evans is helping her out by using her tongue as a tissue. Wouldn't a simple "Sloppy bitch! Take your ass to the bathroom!" from Dani be sufficient enough? I don't ever want to touch someone else's teeth.....with my fingers. Other body parts are fine, but not my fingers. I eat with those things (yes, like a barbarian).

Ty Ty and Dani got a little closer at the premiere of Oxygen's ANTM: Obsessed last night in NYC. I wish Ty Ty was obsessed with carrying those little tissue packages with her so we wouldn't have to witness this nastiness. Ty Ty was not even smilin' wit her eyez during this shit. For shame.

Last night's party brought out a bunch of winners and loooooosers from past seasons of ANTM. I have displayed them below for you. Don't they look like a sad case of sad cases? They either look like a tragic hair show victim (see thumbnail #7), a small town tranny (see thumbnail #9), a Real Housewives cast member (see thumbnail #22), an overly botoxed Cowardly Lion (see thumbnail #4) or like they got ready in the employee's bathroom at Arby's after their day shift (see most of the thumbnails).

If you can guess at least 5 of their names than you're still not as pathetic as me, because I got all their names right without looking.

After seeing these pictures of Little Britain's David Walliams playing patty peen underwater with this dude in Barbados, I went off to find out if he loves ze cock or not. In most of the articles I read, he says he loves the ladies, but being a homo would be easier for him. Whatever the case may be, he is thisclose to replacing Anderson Cooper as Mah Boo. WELL! Mah Boo Andy doesn't return any of the 40 messages I leave daily on CNN's viewer comment line. How is he supposed to sweep me off my no-no lips if he doesn't return my calls? David, wait in the wings. Your services might be needed.

And I like that David's chichis are kind of pointy. They can probably warn me when a tornado is a comin'!

Birthday: ?
Age: 24
Birth Name: Nikki Shamdassani

Original Date of HS of the Day: January 5, 2009
Claim to Fame: Saving reality TV! Basically. Nikki also goes by the name DJ Lady Tribe and La Loka. According to her Wiki (HA!), she was a graffiti artist in Los Angeles, but went to jail too many times, so she decided to become a DJ instead. And now Nikki Lady Loka (or whatever) is a national treasure for doing a shot from a test tube sticking out of another chick's vagina on Rock of Love Bus. Love isn't even a strong enough word to describe my feelings for her.

Where is she now? Probably teaching Dakota Fanning the ways of life. Seriously, she has a picture with Dakota Fanning on her MySpace.

Why is she HS of the Week? Because her time in the spotlight came to an end way too soon. I mean, look at this:

This is what we need more of.

Gif VIA Vh1 Blog

Most of us figured Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck would give their new kid a flower name since their first daughter is named Violet. So it's not really surprising that they used Rose as her middle name. But her first name is Seraphina! Jen's spokesbitch told People that they named their week-old daughter Seraphina Rose Elizabeth Affleck. YES! Jen and Ben are still two boring pieces of boiled broccoli, but I've just added a little melted cheddar cheese on top of them for naming their daughter Seraphina!

Seraphina Rose sounds like the name an aging gothic stripper who works the "50 cent beer" shift at some truck stop club. I absolutely adore the name! Although, I once got food poisoning at a restaurant named Serafina.......

I just hope Jen and Ben don't call her Sera or I'll have to scrape the melted cheese off of them.

Prison Broken! Michael Scofield and hos have been put to death - Just Jared

Kate Hudson and her dick of the second in Hawaii - Egotastic!

Harvey is not going to like Katie Price wearing his favorite tank! - Hollywood Tuna

Um. Any respectable gay would not approve of Kanye's new shoe for LV - Towleroad

Tina Fey makes blog commenters faaaaamous - Popsugar

Only Katherine HAGel's mom can stand to be around her - Lainey Gossip

RiRi doesn't have mouth herpes! That's just an alien beauty mark (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Freida Pinto is hot - Popoholic

Bridget Marquardt thinks the whole "out with the old, in with the new" thing is rude - Hollywood Rag

Crazy pussy videos - Cityrag

If you're going to sell your 16-year-old daughter for $16,000, 100 cases of beer and several cases of meat, collect before you hand her over! That's what 36-year-old Macelino de Jesus Martinez of Greenfield, CA failed to do when he sold off his daughter to an 18-year-old dude.

So what did Macelino do when the buyer refused to pay? He went to the police and told them the whole story. What the fuck! Take a class at the Learning Annex about the correct way to sell your child before you do it! The real Jesus isn't happy that his name is associated with this dumb dumb.

Police arrested Macelino for selling a human person. They also arrested the 18-year-old piece of trash who bought her. Even though police say the girl went willingly, she's under California's legal age of consent. The 18-year-old is being held on suspicion of statutory rape.

Apparently, arranged marriages involving underage chicks is a big problem in Greenfield.

Now, a 16-year-old girl sells for $16,000, 100 cases of beer (top shelf, I hope) and several cases of meat. This means I could probably sell for a chewed-up Slim Jim, a watered down glass of Buckhorn beer and 16,000 pinto beans. Oh, shit. Don't tell my dog this or off I fucking go.

Source: Mom Logic

Allow me to correct myself. This is what Vogue meant by "daring jumpsuits" (see below). This hot piece right here is Mr. Motivator. I guess he's like the UK version of Richard Simmons, but way more fashion-forward and just 5.3% less gay. The only thing he's motivating me to do is to touch myself to those amazingly hot double socks and shoe laces. I'd wear this whole outfit every day, but I don't have the chesticles for it. And is it just me or does he kind of look like the dad from Sister, Sister?

Anyway, this is an open post where you can open your legs and expel whatever the fuck you want. Everything is off-topic. Eveeeeerything. Rant away! But touch yourself really quick to Mr. Motivator first. It's a requirement.

Blake Lively (squint and you'll see the resemblance) is on the cover of Vogue. Repeat. The cover of VOGUE. Personally, I'd rather Wino's Blaaaaaake on the cover. Or even Blake's hotter sister Robin Lively in one of her amazing Teen Witch outfits. TOP THAT!

In the magazine, Blake whines about how she was teased in the second grade at her private school. The kids made fun of her because of the way she dressed. Yes, they only made fun of her clothes! This dumb bitch..... Blake said, "It was the only school where people were just downright mean to me. They would make fun of my clothes." Blake wore a lot of vintage shit that came from her mother, "She just did that because she was so creative and because she didn't want me to be dressed in big T-shirts cinched with a plastic clip like all the rest of the kids."

Tell this bitch to go cry in a bowl of used anal beads. She doesn't even know! I wish those assholes only made fun of my clothes. They started to run out of shit to tease me for! One day would be: "Michaelina, your eyeballs are gay AND ugly!" The next day would be: "Michaela, your toe nails are so faggy!" And the day after that: "Michelle, that second hair follicle from the right near your forehead wants to suck my dick! Ewww. It's a homo! Nasty!" So Blake needs to suck on some Vitamin D(ICK)!. The dumb ass.

Click here if you want to read the whole stupid article about this dumb stupid dullard.

P.S. - Is this what Vogue means by "daring jumpsuits"?