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How dare Megan Fox compare herself to Alan "I Make Pussies Pucker" Alda! That's what this dumb bitch did at the Golden Globes last night. Megan played the "I Is No Sexy" card when she told Giuliana DePandaPuss, "I am pretty sure I am a doppelgänger for Alan Alda. I'm a tranny. I'm a man. I'm so painfully insecure. I'm on the verge of vomiting now. I am so horrified that I am here, and embarrassed. I'm scared."

Who would you rather see in a g-string bikini? If you answer the bitch on the right, then you don't know what sex is. Alan Alda wins every fucking time. Megan could never even come close to touching Alan's sexiness.

Even though Megan says she hates herself, she bragged about her 22" waist which she got from starving herself. She said she was kidding about the not eating thing, but you know she's not. The only thing she eats is delusion pills. And Megan also confirmed that her boyfriend Brian Austin Green needs to join the Tool Academy when she said he didn't want to be her date because he's "a man" with an ego. I would think I was the shit too if I was responsible for this. Please tell me the "music" Megan said he's working on is a follow-up to Be Be My Love.

I still can't get over her Alan Alda shit. ALAN FUCKING ALDA? The audacity! Clip below:

Only Grace Jones can wear the fuck out of a rattan basket from the Reagle Beagle or whatever the hell that thing is on her head. The fucked up shit she wears is too advanced for mortals. We don't understand it. But seriously, Grace Jones can destroy us all with just one roar.

Grace Jones is what Solange wants to be when she grows up. She's down in her basement right now trying to recreate this shit using an old wooden salad bowl, placements and some busted ass V for Vendetta mask she bought on eBay. She can try all she wants, but Grace Jones cannot be duplicated.

It brings out the cunt in her eyes! It looks like one of those haircuNts (c-word slip) suburban soccer moms get after a shitty divorce in order to prove to everyone that they are still sexy, fun and ready to live life! Or something like that. Heather's probably hoping Paul McCartney is kicking himself for letting go of such a hot piece. I think the only way Paul could ever get turned on again by Heather is if she chopped off her head instead of her hair. But seriously, it kind of works for her in an "insane asylum escapee" kind of way.

Here's Heather with her new straitjacket-worthy haircut making vegan meals for schoolchildren in the Bronx. Where's the beef?!

I mean hit it with your genitals and not hit it with a tree branch covered in nails. You know, I asked myself this question while watching Vh1's latest trainwreck Tool Academy. If you're not familiar with this refined piece of entertainment, let me fill you in.

9 mega mega MEGA mega mega assholes are thrown into a house thinking they are competing for some shit called "Mr. Awesome." Of course, only a DOUCHEBAG (caps for effect) would compete in that mess. It turns out, the 9 pieces of trash are really unwittingly enrolling into Tool Academy, because they treat their girlfriends like caca. They cheat on them, they take their cash, they lie, they talk shit on them, etc...etc.... They compete in a series of challenges with their girlfriends in an effort to de-tool themselves. The dick bag who has had the biggest transformation will win some shit in the end.

This should really should have been called DICKMATIZED, because these chicks have a bad case of it! How could they have not have put their boyfriends' peens in the garbage disposal as punishment for treating them so assy? That's because they are addicted to the dick. Dickmatization is a serious disease!

Okay, so back to the important question. How many would you hit? And be fucking honest! Below is a clip that is so douchy, it is guaranteed to completely clean the dirtiest of vaginas. I am so ashamed to admit that I'd hit 8 out of the 9. I had to give my genitals the evil side-eye every time it got a little tingly when one of the tools took off their shirts. I would even hit Celebrity! I'd put on that Monopoly money boa and take that shit. Ew. I'm so gross.

The only one I wouldn't hit is Josh. I'm sorry, but.... Okay, I'd only let him stick the tip in. That really wouldn't count as sexy times, because his peen is probably the size of an ant leg.

The time has arrived! After ten million rounds and eleventy gazillion votes, we finally have a final 3! Now is the time to vote for who will go on to the final 2. I'm joking. This is IT it. You already know La Pequeña, Spaghetti Cat and Rojo Caliente intimately, so I don't need to tell you about them. But I do need to tell you that this is the most important decision you will make this year. Okay, second most after which candy bar you should eat for a 5pm snack. Go for the Almond Joy. Almonds have protein, right?

You have until Friday to vote. And then I will announce the greatest slut of our time (aka 2008). There will be a lavish ceremony and international supermodel Phoebe Price will pass her crown and bestow a few words of wisdom on our newest leader. Not really, I'll probably just make a low-budget gif or some shit.

Voting is in the sidebar to the right. Vote with your life!

They sure are making brain dead mannequins so lifelike nowadays. They even give them nipples! - Egotastic!

Has Megan Fox been fucking with her face? - Hollywood Tuna

Freddie Mercury is alive and well in Japan - Towleroad

HoHan quotes Foreigner! - Popsugar

This is Grace Jones and she is a legend - Hollywood Rag

Charlotte Church named her kid Dexter. Yeah, like the serial killer on Showtime - Just Jared

Lady GagMe is allergic to pants, obviously (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Renee Zellweger's granny bra - Cityrag

Amy Adams or vintage Nicole Kidman? - Lainey Gossip

It was high school over again for Ryan Gaycrest last night. The popular kids are still rejecting his ass! Now, UsWeekly says Gaycrest and Saint Angie have had awkward moments on the red carpet before. In 2006 he asked her what she fed her kids for breakfast that morning. Angie Jo said "cereal." The next day Gaycrest called her "cold" on his radio show. Well, I guess she hasn't forgotten, because she's over his mini ass.

Last night, Gaycrest tried to have a conversation with Brad and Angie, but they weren't having it. Gaycrest flew down the platform stairs and screamed "Hi guys. Brad? Angelina?" while they were getting their pictures taken. Brad even turned around for a quick minute. Brangie's slaves stopped Gaycrest from getting any closer. When he realized he was getting rejected, he threw it over to Giuliana DePandaFace. Why did I think she was going to say, "Oooooh. Moded!"

This morning, Gaycrest talked about it on his show. He said, "I don't think Angelina thinks I'm that important. I don't think I'm top of mind for Brad and Angelina. I honestly don't believe they'd know who I was if I walked over there. Here's what I realized when I went down there. I realized quickly that it's against the rules to walk down onto the carpet from the platform."

In all fairness to Saint Angie and Brad, they probably didn't even see Gaycrest, because he's like the size of a Lego man. I'm sure it happens often to him at bars when he's trying to get ass. He has to jump high for bitches to see him. That's why he should always carry around a ladder, so this kind of embarrassing shit doesn't happen to him anymore.

Swab the poopy deck! Seriously, there's a million semen jokes floating in these pictures of Johnny Knoxville in a sailor hat. Just put a condom on your hand and fish one out.

So, this is an open post where you can talk about how you'd like Johnny to hit it from the back while wearing that sailor hat or why everyone in the pictures below don't look amused. Or you can talk about whatever the hell your genitals desire.

I'll start: why is that I always have to go pee pee times 10-minutes before I have to get up in the morning. It's the fucking worse. Whenever the piss is slowly tinkling out of the hole (beautiful visual), I look over at the clock and there's usually around 10 minutes left before the alarm goes and ruins my life. My choices are either to get up completely or to stay in bed and risk pissing the sheets. And my dog has had it with me telling the laundry hos that he suffers from "Fergie Syndrome." Yeah, I don't have children, so I have to blame it on the dog.

First there was the amazingly elegant Waffle House wedding from last year and now we have the almost equally as hot Taco Bell wedding from this past weekend. Why don't I ever get invited to classy affair like these?

Paul and Caragh Brooks decided they should get married at a Taco Bell in Normal, Illinois because their relationship has always been kind of weird and they like spending time there. They met on a dating website while Caragh was living in Australia. And she doesn't even have to change her last name, because she's always been a Brooks.

The Taco Bell didn't even close for a couple of hours while the wedding was going on. So while they were exchanging vows about love and shit, customers were ordering Nachos Bellgrandes and Enchiritos. It's actually kind of fitting.

The bride wore a hot pink $15 dress. They decorated the joint with balloons and streamers. The employees wore hot sauce packets with the words "Will You Marry Me?" on them. The whole wedding cost around $200.

This shit still sounds way more luxurious and decadent than any Spears wedding.

At least I know exactly what I would order at the reception: a Mexican pizza, a pintos n' cheese and a chalupa supreme. I hope Tums hosted the fucking after party. Instead of throwing rice, the guests threw farts. And I'm sure Paul not only ate a taco at the reception, but also ate one later in their marital bed at the nearest Super 8. With extra hot sauce of course.

Below is a video of this shit. You know Caragh is thinking, "I don't give a fuck if we married in a truck stop bathroom as long I don't have to work anymore!"

Thanks Kath

WHICH pop star/reality-TV hostess and her husband tried to lure a hottie publicist into their Atlantic City hotel suite for a threesome? When the singer suddenly stripped naked and got into bed, the terrified flack made her excuses and fled. (Page Six)

Scary Spice?! I always knew she wasn't strictly dickly.

WHICH petite screen actress isn't as intelligent as her college degree would imply? She refuses to read the scripts her agents send her and then throws a fit when plum roles go to her harder-working peers. (Page Six)

Claire Danes or Natalie Portman? At first I thought of Julia Stiles, but that bitch is like 5'8".

Which TV and big-screen funnyman has a little too much porn on his phone? He’s reluctant to let his cell out of sight for fear someone will discover his cache of naked women. (Gatecrasher)

Is Jeremy Piven too obvious?

Which celebrity has turned down an offer to be a spokesperson for Jenny Craig? She knows that her weight is out of control, but has no confidence in her ability to stick to anything that involves diet or exercise. Despite this, you should see her lose a lot of weight very quickly. Why? Because she is having lap-band surgery. However, expect any public statements to focus only on how she has simply adopted a healthy lifestyle. (Blind Gossip)

Lighting will probably strike me, but I think it's Oooooooprah!

This former female reality star was one of the first to actually make a living at it for a short while. Both a network reality star and cable reality star, she was always known for using her looks to try to get guys on the show. Well, she is about to come out. (CDAN)

Trishelle from The Real World: Las Vegas? And yes, she still exists.