Archives

Here's a lovely story for a Sunday evening starring the Crackie of Camden as told by some scum bucket who used to lick on her crackpot. You may remember this Alex Haines dude? He used to be Wino's personal assistant and they got a little too personal while he was working for her ass and Blaaake was in the chokey. Alex has now done what most people involved with Wino do: he sold his story to The News of the World.

Obviously sucking on Wino's crack pipe clit has made Alex foggy in the brains, because why else would he admit to sexing up Wino? That's some shit you take with you to the grave.

Alex's revelations about Wino won't make your eyes bulge in shock, but it is a good after church read. I've made it a little easier for you by summing it up with extra exclamation points, of course. Because exclamation points make everything escandalo. ESCANDALO!!!!!

Wino dined on a hearty breakfast of toast and CRACK every morning!

Wino spent £3,500 a week on drugs and made crack pipes out of old drink bottles! She once used a screwdriver to scrape out the residue from her crack pipe. “When Amy ran out of the drug it she would cut the bottle in half and sit there on the floor completely wired, scraping the inside to get the residue with a screwdriver." The bitch is a thrifty one! She should get her own show on HGTV.

Wino is a bulimic who lives off of McDonald's and Crunchie bars! Alex says she used his toothbrush to barf. Ew. I bet you that nasty bitch Alex hasn't bought a new toothbrush either!

Wino was like Alex's own personal porn star. She was addicted to ze sexy times and wanted it four or five times a day. "When I stayed at hers I would be asleep downstairs and there would be this little girl on the bed crawling towards me waking me up for sex.” Okay, Alex is creepy.

Wino is a cutter!!! "Cutting herself was her favorite pastime.” I'm pretty sure smoking crack is her favorite pastime, but maybe cutting is a close second.

Wino is afraid she might join the 27 club of rock stars who died at the age of 27.

Wino wanted to prove to every one that she was the cokiest cokehead who ever coked, so she once snorted a line that was 20 centimeters long!!!

Wino's favorite drink is super classy. She loves vodka with supermarket tropical juice!!

Did you get all that? Wino is a bulimic, a crackhead, a cutter, a nympho and she's also the Martha Stewart of the crackworld. Basically, she's like every after-school special rolled into one hot sexy package (see above picture). Also, Alex needs to try much harder.

Anybody who calls themselves a Brangaloonie should punish themselves today by going to see Marley & Me, because they have failed one of their gods! They should have been protesting outside of movie theaters with help of (SPOILER ALERT) these posters! Because they didn't do that shit Benjamin Button got his ass beat by Jennifer Aniston and her dog friend. HA! Marley & Me was the #1 movie this weekend with around $37 million. So far it has made $51 million in just 4 days. Benjamin Button came in at #3 with $27 million and a total of $39 million. Somewhere in the world Jennifer Aniston is texting Maddox with: "Suk on dat!"

I decided to go see that Benjamin Button shit on Friday, but only for Tilda Swinton. I would work the streets in a crotchless bikini made out of salami for Tilda, so I dropped $12 to support her ass. I should have left after her part and snuck into Marley & Me, because that shit was way too long. It was 3 damn hours! When my tub of popcorn ran out after the second hour, I knew I was in trouble. The story sort of reminded me of Forrest Gump. But Forrest Gump without the delicious box of chocolates! Instead of chocolate we got an old creepy baby.

What surprised me the most about this weekend's box office is the fact that Tommy Girl's big gay Nazi movie made $21 million! Not 21 dollars, 21 million dollars! The fuck?! There must be a lot of whores out there who really hate themselves. That's the only reason I can think of on why a dumb bitch would spend their money on a 2-hour torture session. Either that or there's a ton of crazy aliens lovers out there.

The weekend box office from Dec. 26th to 28th looked like this:

1. Marley & Me - $37 million
2. Bedtime Stories - $28.1 million
3. The Curious Case Of Old Baby - $27 million
4. Valkyrie - $21.5 million
5. Yes Man - $16.4 million
6. Seven Pounds - $13.4 million
7. The Tale of Despereaux - $9.4 million
8. The Day The Earth Stood Still - $7.9 million
9. The Spirit - $6.5 million
10. Doubt - $5.7 million

Source

That's because it was her birthday. Most of whores like to get completely obliterated on our birfdays, because getting old is pretty gross and depressing. Well, Chyna might have gone a little too far. TMZ says that Chyna was admitted into the hospital yesterday morning, because she over did it with the rubber chicken shots and it didn't mix well with her prescription pills. That's a problem.

Chyna threw a little birthday soiree at her home in Burbank and the paramedics were called at about 5am when friends found her giant ass passed out with cuts on her arms. She was immediately put on a forklift and transported to the hospital. I'm joking about the forklift part. They really used a tractor.

At the hospital, Chyna was so fucking wasted that they couldn't do a proper psych evaluation on her. They had to wait until the bitch sobered up.

Chyna later told TMZ at the hospital that also she wanted was a "hamburger and fries." Straight up, I know what she's talking about. When you're swimming in a big bottle of booze, the only thing you really want is a damn burger and fries. Sometimes you want a taco, but mostly you want burger and fries. Especially some fucking chili cheese fries with extra grease. Shit. Sometimes when I'm drunk I'm tempted just to ask the bitches at McDonald's if I can stick a straw in one of their grease jugs and drink that shit up. Skip the middle man.

You know, I'm going to go ahead and blame all Chyna's troubles on her Little Shop of Horrors clit. If Dr. Drew couldn't even help her ass, then there's a bigger issue here. The bigger issue being her evil roid clit. I bet you it tells her to drink more and to take more pills. It totally talks. Her "feed me" clitoris probably even told her to get it a burger and fries, because it was hungry.

And now I must go and get a burger and fries, because this post made me hungry. I will eat one (or three) for Chyna!

Kanchana Kaetkaew - The Scorpion Queen of Thailand! - Kanchana just set the Guinness World Record for holding a poisonous scorpion in her mouth for over two minutes. That shit is impressive, but I bet you Guy Ritchie can do it longer from dealing with Vadge's deadly scorpion snatch for so long.

For her next trick, Kancha will live in a glass box with 5,000 scorpions for 33 days.

Sienna Miller (27)
David Archuleta (18)
Mackenzie Rosman (19)
Thomas Dekker (21)
Vanessa Ferlito (28)
John Legend (30)
Seth Meyers (35)
Malcolm Gets (45)
Joe Diffie (50)
Denzel Washington (54)
Maggie Smith (74)
Nichelle Nichols (76)
Stan Lee (86)

Jay Mohr is so in love with Nikki Cox and her bloated butt lips that he's decided to legally take her last name. Jay and Nikki apparently got married 2 years ago. I seriously didn't know they were man and wife or perhaps I never really gave a kangaroo's dick and that's saying a lot.

TMZ says that Jay has legally added Cox to his last name, so now he's officially Jon Ferguson Cox Mohr. Um. If you're going to do that shit, do it all the way. Don't half ass it. It really should be Jon Ferguson Mohr Cox. If you had the chance to become "Mohr Cox," wouldn't you jump on that cox and ride away? Fuck yes. Shit. I might try to legally change my name to "Mohr Cox." I've been inspired.

Seriously, Nikki should really change her name to "Mohr Collagen." The bitch has a problem.While Jay was down at the court, he should have filed a restraining order keeping Nikki away from fillers, because those lips must stop growing. Isn't he afraid that they are going to pop at the worst time? She could be slurping on his peen and accidentally spring a leak in her lips. Juvederm guts all over his nutsack. That isn't love.

Daniel Craig is looking a little jelly-ish in the chichi and belly areas, but I cannot resist a man who is so secure in his masculinity that he has no problem dipping his hand in another dude's Ruffles. So yes, I'd hit that shit while eating a jumbo bag of Lay's from Costco. Those chips are greasy enough, so you don't even need lube! And I bet the salt will make your no-no extra puckery. Dick & chips: a perfect combination.

Here's James Bond having some kind of potato orgy with his girlfriend and two dudes in St. Barts the other day.

Lohan-Noooooooooo! Hasn't the internet been through enough?! I mean, 2 Girls 1 Cup, Cheetah Lady, (don't click on this ---->) 1 Guy 1 Cup (<---don't!), and now Michael Lohan's blog!

Yes, the SamRo hating, penis-necked daddy of HoHan has built his own crackhouse on the internet so that he can "set the record straight." I love how he's trying to make things "straight" while wearing a turtleneck, fancy loafers and a cell phone clipped to his waistband. Very straight.

And in that picture above, why oh why couldn't an out-of-control semi truck driven by his drunk daughter come careening around the corner to knock that cell phone out of his waistband. You know how I feel about that.

Michael Lohan says his new blog is not about HoHan or SamRo. His new blog is about GOD! But if SamRo or HoHan talk about him in the media, he'll use his new blog to trash them right back. It sounds like even Inside Edition got sick of giving this asshole a soap box to rant on, so he's taken his act to the internet.

Here's a small piece from his first post. Remember, his blog is not about his daughter:

What this website will bring to you is the TRUTH! Facts, most of which can and will be cooperated.

I know a lot of people like to “feed the fire" and then hide behind a false name, anonymity or represent themselves as a “source,” a "close friend," or an "insider." But in truth, when it comes down to it, you aren't fooling anyone but yourselves. Instead of looking from the outside in, you need to be looking within first.

It’s easy to point fingers and be judgmental. The hard part is looking in the mirror and judging oneself. So please keep these things in mind, before you comment.

Okay, so here we go...
Today, on TMZ, my darling daughter Lindsay was asked for a comment in response to me saying, "Samantha is on drugs!"

Lindsay’s only response was, “look at him!”

WOW! Linds, how forthright! Let me ask you; was it me who was actually pictured in the train station with a bag full of prescription drugs? Do you see me out partying with Lindsay, my other children or having raging wars with her? Was it me who jumped out of a DJ booth and punched Lindsay when she was with Calum Best? Did I drive Lindsay around for hours in LA until she fell asleep and before I ran low on gas only to call the paps and sell pictures to them? Uh uh!

And he's dragging White Oprah into this! White Oprah better pull out her Hooters Mastercard and purchase WhiteOprah.org so that she can join the Lohan family blog wars.

I'm probably not enjoying Michael's blog as much as I should be, because I'm sober. After downing a few bottles of Bartles & Jaymes, I'll read this shit again and I'll probably give him a standing ovation at the end. I will admit that the Bible verses are a nice touch. His blog is the definition of "fuckery!"

I will admit that when I'm watching a movie in a theater and some dumb ass whore is yapping away like they are sitting in their damn living room, I think to myself, "Damn. I want to turn this straw into a shank and stab this bitch in the mouth!" Well, some dude in Philadelphia had even worse thoughts and carried that shit out!

29-year-old James Joseph Cialella was arrested after he shot a dude in the damn arm for running his mouth during a showing of The Curious Case of Benjamin Button in Philadelphia on Christmas Day. I think James Joseph Cialella just became an honorary Brangaloonie for busting a bitch during Brad's movie!

Police say that James asked a family sitting in front of him to shut their damn mouths during the movie. They didn't stop, so he threw popcorn at their asses. When that didn't shut their mouth holes, James got up and approached the family. James had words with the father, the argument got physical and that's when he pulled out a gat and shot the man in his arm. After James put a bullet in the father's arm, he sat back down and continued to watch the movie like nothing happened. The victim was taken to the hospital and James was arrested. He was charged with with attempted murder, aggravated assault and weapons violations.

DAMN! Hood rat stuff to the extreme. Over Benjamin Button? I mean, what the fuck? Maybe James has a strange fetish for Brad Pitt in old face. I could see beating a ho over Showgirls or Marley & Me (BURN!!!), but Benjamin Button?! I swear, some people should not be allowed to leave the comfort of their own padded room. James shouldn't even be allowed to carry a watergun anymore. Talk about over-fucking-reacting.

This also serves as a warning to me, because I'm one of those bitches who tells whores to shut their fat lips during movies. I've been known to throw in a "Eat your tongue, cunt!" or "Shut the fuck up" to bitches who are ruining my theater going experience. The next time I do that shit, I could get shot in the arm! That must suck, laying there with a bleeding arm, thinking that the last thing you'll ever see is Brad Pitt with pepaw face. Sad!

Source

Vincent! The bunny rabbit with no ears! His owner named him after Van Gogh. The owner claims Vincent was born without ears. And don't call his ass a guinea pig, because that shit hurts he's feelings! He's an ear-less bunny, but he's a total hot slut. You hear that, Vincent? YOU ARE A HOT SLUT.

Source: Daily Mail