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David Mamet on Dlisted. I didn't think this moment would ever happen, but I couldn't help it. After reading this shit about him on Page Six, I think I'm madly in love with him and need to become the next Mrs. David Mamet.

In her memoir, playwright Nancy Balbirer wrote about how amazingly hot David Mamet was to his students at NYU. David cursed them out, threw them out of class and called Bill Cosby a whore. Swoooooooon.

Here's a few quotes from Nancy's book. Page Six had to bleep out the good words, but if Mamet is saying it, it's probably a "fuck" or a "cunt."

Mamet on students talking too quietly: " Get the [bleep] off my stage! Now," he'd bellow . . . And, he'd continue, his short, burly body bouncing around like a school-yard bully in need of his daily Ritalin, "Don't [bleep]ing come back until we can hear you. How dare you? You're whispering. On the stage. It's [bleep]ing passive-aggressive. You know, only people who are full of [bleep] whisper," Balbirer writes.

Mamet's response to a student asking who his favorite actress is: "Women who act are not actresses. They're actors. Why do they need to [bleep]ing qualify what their genitalia are? Folks, seriously, I need to disabuse you of the notion that 'actress' is anything other than a euphemism for 'floozy' . . . Do women [bleep]ing writers call themselves 'writressess?' No! There's nothing worse than being a woman in show business . . . you'll be asked to do only two things in every [bleep]ing role you ever play: take your shirt off and cry.""

Mamet on TV: Mamet delivered a lecture, "the premise of which was that Bill Cosby was a whore . . . television was evil and for whores, Hollywood was a hotbed of whoredom, and we were to avoid all of these things like the plague, unless, of course, we, too, were whores and not the artists we said we were."

Yeah, I know it was love at first bleep for you too, but stay away from his hairy ass (you know it is). The grouchy bear is mine. Imagine waking up next to him? He'd probably roll to your side, gaze into your eyes and say, "Good fucking morning, you dumb fucking whore." That's real love.

Ed Westick's manpussy puckers for David Beckham, but he couldn't bring himself to talk to his wet dream maker when he ran into him at some event.

Ed tells Reveal Magazine (via Radar), "I was at this ball in New York that was so grand David Bowie was sitting at the next table and shook hands with George Clooney.Then I went to the toilet and there was David Beckham. I couldn't say anything, I just ran out. A friend tried to persuade me to say, 'Hello,' but I couldn't do it. It was ridiculous. But I had a Beckham t-shirt when I was a kid and he was the one I watched growing up. There have been a couple of times now that I've been in the same room as him, but I just can't go up to him. I can't do it."

Ed ran out of the bathroom, because it's kind of hard to piss with a boner. Note to Ed: break, shake and then piss. Also, Ed probably never goes up to Becks, because jizzing in his pants at first handshake would probably make a bad first impression.

Since we're on the subject of getting pee shy. I seriously hate pissing in a crowded bathroom with a line of dudes waiting their turn. It sounds sort of sexy in a sick fuck way, but it's far from it. It's the damn worst thing and almost nearly impossible. When I'm standing at a urinal with dudes waiting for me to hurry up and piss, nothing comes out. I try everything. I punch at my bladder, squeeze my peen hole, think of waterfalls and push for dear life. The latter can be dangerous, because sometimes when you're pushing for the piss, you accidentally let out an ass queef in front of everyone. And that's when you just have to zip up, flip everyone off and then run the fuck out of there before you further embarrass yourself anymore.

You might have already seen this shit, but pretend like this is the first time, so you can be dazzled all over again. It's ShamWow Vince attempting to speak Spanish, but he sounds more like my Dutch friend trying to speak Italian while drunk and high. Vince's Spanish accent would make my abuelita cry.

I don't think anyone knows what the fuck he's saying, but who cares? He's winking at us the whole time! Because of that, I'd buy a million ShamWow rags from Vince! Vince could seriously sell me anything. Even a damn soggy peen. Oh Vince, I'd chupa tu verga. Sorry, that's the only Spanish I can think of right now.

Thanks JC

If you're ever walking down the street and spot a sad little gayelle, it's your duty as a citizen of this planet to hug her like you would a 9" peen. Because nobody wants to see lesbian with the sads. That's exactly what HoHan did while she was having coffee with SamRo in some parking lot in Los Angeles the other day. And you know HoHan was thinking of 9" peen. And SamRo sort of looks like a dirty peen with that black stocking cap, so this helped out HoHan even more.

Speaking of SamRo's ensemble, does it mean that I'm turning lesbian because I think SamRo's boots are kind of hot? Maybe I am turning lesbian, because I was really excited to go shopping at fucking Home Depot yesterday. If you see me get wet over The L-Word, immediately turn on a CeCe Peniston song to turn me gay again.

Here's SamRo and HoHan hugging in a parking lot the other day. I also threw in some pictures of HoHan leaving the salon yesterday with a dude who has obviously been rifling through SamRo's dirty laundry.

Now this is what I expect from a JLo divorce announcement! Some fucking drama. Gatecrasher says that on this coming Valentine Day's, JLo will join Skeletor onstage at Madison Square Garden in NYC where they will sing a farewell duet together and announce their divorce to everyone. That's if anyone is still in the audience. When JLo takes the stage to sing live, I'm sure thousands of bitches will either run for the door or find a sharp object to stab at their ears with.

JLo and Skeletor announced she was knocked up with the Dragon Tales Twins at one of their concerts in Miami, so she feels this is a fitting way to announce that their marriage is worm meat. A friend of JLo's said, “Jennifer is planning on joining Marc onstage for a surprise duet. Things haven’t been right for a while now, and they thought it would be a bittersweet." Um. It will be all bitter and no sweet since JLo is planning to sing live. The woman has a voice like a chihuahua after debarking surgery.

I know Wanda Sykes doesn't want me to call things "gay", but this shit is gayer than gay! JLo and Skeletor announcing their divorce through song?! I believe it, because this is definitely something gay ass JLo would do. Bitch thinks she's in some goddamn Rodgers & Hammerstein musical.

Not only will JLo sing a farewell song to Skeletor, but she will also be singing a farewell song to relevance.

Heather Mills' former nanny has joined the long list of people who can't stand the cunt and would give anything to beat her down with her fake leg. Seriously, if Heather got a leg for every time someone said they hated her ass....

Sara Trumble has filed a complaint with an employment tribunal claiming Heather Mills is a cunt to work for and forced her to do a bunch of shit that was beyond her regular duties. Sara said that after Heather's divorce from Paul McCartney, she had to work long hours, blow dry Heather's hair every morning at 7:30 and spray tan her one-legged ass once a week.

Okay, the spray tanning part couldn't have been that bad. I mean, she only had to spray one leg, so it probably took less time than usual. And if Sarah hated Heather so much, she could have taken out her frustrations while blow drying her hair. I would have accidentally shoved the blow dryer up her ass while it was on high. It was an accident!

Heather's side says that Sara is just out for cash and she was hired to be a nanny and a housekeeper. Heather claims after Sara came back from maternity leave, her hours were changed to accommodate her new baby. Heather also gave Sara some of her daughter's hand-me-downs and also took her on some beach vacation. She's so fucking generous.

So Heather is accusing Sarah of pulling a "Heather Mills"? How damn ironic.

You know, if you agree to take a job from Heather Mills, you should know that you're basically working for Satan's cunt. You should also be okay with the word "cunt" becoming a regular part of your vocabulary. When you work for Heather Mills, you will become one with the word "cunt." You will fall in love with the word. Heather should put that in the damn contract. Shit. Maybe I should work for the cunt. That's a word I would love to say all day and all night. I would especially love to whisper it into Heather's fugly ear while I "blow dry" her hair. Cunt! Cunt! Cunt!

Source

Here's a video of the goings on in the ninth circle of hell aka a Jonas Brothers concert. In this clip, Joe Jonas gets a gift that he starts to grab at first (at the 0:28 mark), but when he realizes it's a bra of some sorts, he drops that shit like it's a willing vagina! He's totally saying to himself, "Ewwww! Girl cooties!" This shit probably happens to Clay Gayken all the time, but instead of a bra, he gets crusty mom chonies. And instead of just dropping it, he runs off screaming for dear life to cleanse his body with some gay porn.

I also need to slap my eye balls for actually thinking Joe Jonas looks semi-hot here. Why would my eye balls send that message to my brain?! Ugh. I mean, he's a fucking Jonas brother, he's wearing a yellow sleeveless shirt and he has like a 1920s bob! The fuck?! I'm just going to blame it on the holiday binge drinking. Someone probably slipped me some shit which is causing me not to think clearly. Let's just pretend this never happened. A Jonas brother?! Maybe I'm officially becoming a 14-year-old girl. Gross.

VIA ONTD

excerpted from Aretha's forthcoming recipe book...
Smother small east Asian village beneath chi-chis.
Marinate in Smoking Loon for a day. (Also marinate the village.)
Slow-cook for six hours.
Serves one. - BobsBB

Runners-up:

And this one is for all my fallen Korean homies. - Wikkidraven

It was a great pool party til that Kardashhian chick got her period. - Vern

Barbara Feldon - Here's her ass then and now.

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