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Matt Dillon didn't want Charles Barkley and Doug Wilson (see below) to have all the fun, so he got himself arrested too! Matt decided to switch things up and not get busted for DUI. He got nailed for speeding instead.

44-year-old Matty was stopped by police last night for driving 106 mph on I-91 in Newbury, Vermont where the speed limit is 65. If dumb fuck Matt was going 80 or 90, the police dude probably just would have given him a ticket and allowed him to go on his way. But since Matt decided to play Days of Thunder, he was handcuffed and charged with driving like a lunatic (aka as Pulling A Hogan). They let him go a little while later.

106? Did he have diarrhea coming out of his ass? What was he in such a rush to get to in Vermont? Maybe he couldn't wait to visit the Ben & Jerry's factory? If so, then I forgive him, because that place is delicious.

Well, at least Matt reminded the world he was still alive by getting arrested. I think I forgot he existed. And he does give good mug shot. A little wink and a pout would have been sexier, but this would works too.

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Charles Barkley and Doug from Trading Spaces did it all wrong. You're supposed to get arrested for DUI after midnight tonight and not earlier! Way to celebrate New Year's a little too soon. Idiots!

So, these two pair of shit brains were both busted for driving while having booze in the blood. Charles was caught early this morning in Arizona. TMZ says he was arrested on suspicion of drunk driving while going through a DUI checkpoint. The po po tested his blood at the checkpoint, busted his ass and then transported him to the jail house. He was released a little while later and nobody came to pick him up, because he took a taxi home. He probably went to the nearest bar.... Well, if you got arrested, wouldn't you need a drink afterwards? I would think so.

Then there's Doug Wilson from Trading Spaces. He was always my least favorite designer. The prick. Let's face it, his art is fugly. Hildy wouldn't pull this shit! Doug was popped early yesterday morning in Decatur, Illinois after he didn't slow down to a police car with its siren on. The cop pulled him over and killed the party. Doug must have also brought the party with him, because in addition to being arrested for aggravated DUI, he was also busted for illegal transportation of alcohol and driving on a suspended license. He was later released on $1,000 bond.

I'm a little surprised that Doug was busted for driving drunk and not sucking dick drunk in a public place. I bet Doug and Vern always licked each other's ass lips in the Trading Spaces wood shop van while Ty jacked to them.

You know, since I've been in California these past few days, I realized the main reason I live in NYC: CABS! CABS! CABS! You cannot booze to your heart's content here unless you rely on some other bitch driving you home. It's sad when you have to deny the alcohol at bars, because you know you don't want to be driving drunk. Saying no to the booze really hurts me where it counts. In NYC, you just have to worry about telling the cabbies where you live while you're wasted. That's why you should always carry your address around with you to give to cab drivers. Oh and you also have to worry about barfing in the back of their car. I've done that a couple of times and for some strange reason, they don't like it. Go figure.

Anydrunks, Happy New Year to Charles and Doug! Hopefully, they will spend their night getting tanked in the privacy of their own bathroom. And all of you should stay away from DUI checkpoints tonight. I hate those things! I get scared passing through them when I'm sober! I see a DUI checkpoint and I suddenly feel drunk and guilty even when I'm not. It's like church all over again. It sucks.

The family that stitches up vaginas together, stays together. - jangler

Runners-up:

Somebody use a plunger on the middle one's no-no hole so we can get her eyes back together. - jazzfish_77

Since Uncle Bruce is in the hosptial with a perforated colon, we wanted to cheer him up by cleaning his apartment. - P.T. Bull

The Real Housewives of Appalachia - Migraine Sally

Thanks Lauren

Andre "It's Not Really" Champagne! - Happy New Whore, everyone! Since we're in a fucking depression, a bottle of the elegant Andre will only set you back like $5. Yes, you will probably wake up to your head laying in a puddle of vomit on the other side of the room, but at least you'll get to drink bubbly like you're Alexis Carrington. And some bottles of Andre even have a fucking resealable cap, so you can save some to mix with Sunny-D for morning mimosas. Seriously, this shit trash and most likely made from household cleaning products, but I'll be drinking it tonight.

For Melanie

Donna Summer (60)
Donald Trump Jr. (31)
Joe McIntyre (36)
Gong Li (43)
Michael McDonald (44)
Val Kilmer (49)
Bebe Neuwirth (50)
Tim Matheson (61)
Diane von Fürstenberg (62)
Barbara Carrera (63)
Ben Kingsley (65)
Anthony Hopkins (71)

Since it's the season of giving, Beyonce probably "accidentally" left the basement door open a crack. Beyonce also sort of, kind of left out a Greyhound bus ticket to Miami on the breakfast nook with a coupon book to McDonald's. Beyonce has such a giving heart.

The most shocking part about all of this is that Basement Baby isn't wearing an outfit made of old Christmas ornaments, broke down car parts or shit found in the Michael's discount bin. She's actually wearing some normal shit. Wait. I shouldn't speak too soon. Her bikini could be made out of duct tape and car seat covers.

My mind completely blocked out the fact that we used to torn-up wear flared jeans in the fucking 90s. Thanks to that haggard bitch Katie Holmes, the awful memories came flooooding back like an evil butt wart breakout. Some things you would just like to forget, like flared jeans!

I bet this bitch is stealing shit from Tommy Girl's old box of clothes marked "The faaaabulous 90s," because I don't even know where she buys this fugness.

What the fuck is next? Spaghetti strap dresses over t-shirts? JAMS shorts? I should send Katie the hottest outfit my sister used to wear back in the day. She used to wear spandex leggings with polka dot chiffon flares at the bottom. She also had a matching crop top with flared-out chiffon sleeves. This was the 90s. Not the 70s. It was so hideous. Katie would totally wear that mess with a perfect robot smile on her face.

Here's Katie hurting my feelings with those jeans in NYC today. Suri probably ripped them off her legs, because later on she wore leggings. Still fug, but not as offensive as those flares.

It's been a long time since my eyes tried to jump out of their sockets from trying to read Kanye West's blog, so I decided to hold my eyeballs down and go on over. Yesterday, Kanye went off on Media Takeout for claiming he chants to get rid of ghosts and spirits. Kanye doesn't chant! It probably sounds like chanting, but Kanye was just screaming at those ghosts with SQUID BRAINS to get the fuck out of his house! You know those ghosts couldn't take it and they quit that bitch. Kanye should start his own business. GhostCAPPERS!

And Kanye is right, exclamation points are fun!!! They really are. They make everything sound extra extra extra exciting!!! See? It's not as exciting without the zillion of exclamation points. Let's try it with a really boring word: Aniston. Or Aniston!!!!! See, even Aniston is exciting with exclamation points.

This former hugely popular B list television star and now really in absolutely nothing happens to be married with child/ren. She has been in this space before. She has never had what one would describe as a quiet sex life despite what her image was when she was younger. Well at this point it is getting out of hand. Seems that she and her husband have always done swinging in a very exclusive club where anonymity is guaranteed. But now, she is branching out and with that branching she is losing some of her anonymity. In fact she is seriously looking for work because of a situation she got herself into about six months ago that involved several men at once. One of them threatened to expose it all and she has had to pay hush money since. She would turn the guy into the cops for extortion but feels the aftermath would be more than any attempt at a comeback could take. Meanwhile she needs to make money to keep paying out all the hush money. (CDAN)

The word "comeback" immediately made me think of my beloved Valerie Cherish as played by Lisa Kudrow. I don't want to picture Valerie Cherish getting gang banged, though. No, I don't want that.

Which TV actress has a new boyfriend with a temper? Her hipster beau is known for smacking around girls if they don’t put out. Luckily for him, she does. (Gatecrasher)

Hipsters are so violent! I have no clue, so I'll just guess Betty White. That seems like a good guess.

Which chart-topping star is hiding a Santa secret from his model girlfriend? He's already put her presents to him up for sale on eBay. (3am Girls)

John Legend? And he should just return them to Nordstrom. They take anything!

Celebrity 1 and Celebrity 2 hate each other for several reasons. But for right now Celebrity 1 really hates the fact that Celebrity 2 is grabbing the headlines. So Celebrity 1 will soon be announcing something that was supposed to be a secret for a while longer. Why the change in schedule? Simply because Celebrity 1 wants to push Celebrity 2 out of the media spotlight right after the New Year. Celebrity 1, who adopts an I’m-so-above-it-all attitude in public, is actually very competitive and very, very calculating in private. In fact, Celebrity 1 has struck a deal with a certain media source for an exclusive announcement involving a change in family structure. Very shrewd, and certain to grab magazine covers from Celebrity 2 throughout much of 2009. (Blind Gossip)

Blah. It has to be "you know who" and "you know poo." I'm guessing "you know who" is going to either give birth to another messiah or make the angels sing in unison by getting married.

Kirstie Alley could eat it faster - Bits & Pieces (via Boing Boing)

Lucifer must be freezing his ass off, because Pamela Anderson is wearing pants - Hollywood Tuna

More of Lily Allen sunning her little grapes - Egotastic!

Single Ladies meets Newsies - Towleroad

Kate Moss and a headless Gaston in a Just Cavalli ad - Just Jared

Beyonce's ego is totally going to sink the boat - Lainey Gossip

That was kind of Joel Madden to keep his top on. He's thinking of us - Popsugar

Beyonce hates parties - Hollywood Rag

Celebrity tokers of the year - Cityrag

This video still needs more ass (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Vadge should use some of that cash to buy a damn meal - I'm Not Obsessed

Big shock. Guess who's the most exposed whores of '08? - Celebitchy

Michael Lohan needs to take his own advice - Socialite Life

STFU ScarJo - ICYDK