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Please take time out from giving yourself oxygen after looking at Brangelina's twin messiahs (see below) to vote for July's Hot Slut of the Month! You have five hot sluts to choose from! We've got everything from a patient pepaw to a memaw stripper! Here are your choices:

Irv Richards - Father of Denise Richards and probably the most patient bitch on this planet
Tempest Storm - 80-year-old burlesque star and Phoebe Price's long-lost sister
Marilyn - He-she pop singer from the 80s who should have had Boy George's career
Jenni Pulos - Assistant to Jeff Lewis and probably the second most patient bitch on this planet

Voting is in the right sidebar. The winning hot slut will be announced on Tuesday. Happy voting!

Quick! Grab a piece of paper and stick a hole through it. Put your darkest sunglasses on, stand at least 10 feet away and carefully look through the pinhole to feast your eyes on the incredible and powerful beauty of the twin messiahs! Then you must immediately get on your knees and worship your computer screen. They can see you, trust me.

I'm sure emergency rooms everywhere will be at full capacity soon due to Brangaloonies going into cardiac arrest and poking their eyes out because now they have seen it all and there's no need to see anything more!

That being said, they look like babies. Seriously, just babies. I ran home from the bar for this?!!! Yes, that was a total Brangaloonie moment. I mean, they aren't even wearing crowns! $14 million doesn't get you much these days.

And Shiloh is totally holding one of the golden twins and thinking, "I finally have someone to play with in the basement!" That you do, Shiloh.

You can also visit People's and Hello's websites to read boring quotes and shit.

Also, you better get in line to buy People's issue tomorrow. 19 pages of sleeping babies! I'm sure Brangaloonies are waiting overnight.

It looks like when that picture of Michelle Obama was taken, she was in the middle of saying "HELL NO." It probably right after they told her that TyTy Baby was going to dress up as her for September's Harper's Bazaar. Hell yes! A source told Page Six that TyTy will become Michelle for the magazine's September cover, "It's a full makeover. You know how Tyra likes to do that stuff. And she'll get a lot of press off it."

The magazine probably didn't like TyTy's original idea of changing their name to "TyTy's Bazaar" and featuring her in every single page, even in the ads. They probably also turned her down when she said she wanted to dress up as Barack and Michelle.

Expect TyTy to devote at least 10 episodes of her crazy ass talk show to what was it like being the wife of a political figure as told through the always smiling eyes of a supermodel turned philanthropist.

Shit! TyTy should take it even further by running for president! You know this crazy bitch would try to run as a Republic AND a Democrat. That way she can run against herself, because "there's two sides" to TyTy. May the best TyTy win!

Jakey Poo has reportedly been blabbing off to his homegirls that he will marry Reese Witherspoon on December 19th, his birthday. His birthday! Typical. Jakey is going to be the worst bridezilla ever. He's going to cry into Reese's chin when they don't have the birds of paradise he wanted. He will screech like a pig bottom in heat when he finds out that Vera Wang has refused to make him a custom lace banana hammock. Yeah, he's going to be terrible.

Anyway, some nosy bitch told the Daily Mail, "Jake is telling everyone they are getting married at Christmas. He told me he had proposed several times but she kept telling him she wanted to give their relationship more time. When he asked her again a couple of weeks ago, she finally said yes."

She only said yes because Jakey Poo kept throwing a tantrum every time she said no. He really, really wants to be a Christmas bride. Reese got sick of buying him a limited-edition Barbie as a "I'm sorry gift" every time she said no, so she just gave in.

Seriously though, I don't see them tying the knot anytime soon. Well, except for the knot on Jakey Poo's harness.

Seriously though, I don't see these two bores tying the knot anytime soon. I mean, Hollywood rules state that you must get knocked up first. And since tickle games can't produce a baby, I doubt they will make it legal in the near future.

Birthday: ?
Age: ?
Birth Name: ?

Original Date of HS of the Day: July 30, 2008
Claim to Fame: Jenni is an actress, voice over artist and rapper. She's best known for being Jeff Lewis' Executive Administrative Assistant on "Flipping Out." If she ever quits, I want her job.

Where is she now? She still works for Jeff and does voice over work every now and again. Does anybody know if she ever got back together with her husband? I asked Monkey, but he wouldn't tell me.

Why is she HS of the Week? Because she really knows how to hold a cup of coffee. Jenni also really gives it her all when she answers the phone with, "Good morning. It's a great day at Jeff Lewis' office - we appreciate you. This is Jenni." Shit, I don't even know the whole greeting, it's so fucking long.

BONUS! Here's Jenni, Jeff and Zoila from Friday's The Soup.

Don't even think that is outfit is gayer than gay, because it's not! I don't know one gay dude who would wear this shit and if they did, they would be forever dead to me! This is some International Male bullshit! Is this shit from the Ellen Degeneres challenge on "Project Runway"?

Maybe JC thought that if he dressed mega-dykey, bitches wouldn't notice that he still looks like he loves a fresh man load facial in the morning.

JC needs to turn around and read that shit. DO SOMETHING about that outfit! Please.

Here's more of lesbionic JC at a pre-party for the Teen Choice Awards yesterday. I also threw in some Danny Noriega to sex up this post a bit. Unfortunately, his gorgeous chola mother was nowhere to be seen. Sad.

On Thursday, I posted the cover for the Olsen's new "coke cutting table" book called "Influence." I guessed that Mary-Kate was on the left and Ash was on the right. I FAILED! F -

According to People, Ash is on the left and MK is on the right. WTF!? And I thought I had amazing Trollsen identification skills. Shit! Is there a class I can take at the Learning Annex to improve my skills? Now that I look at it, it's pretty obvious which Trollsen is which - based on the order of their names.

Knowing those evil trolls, they are tricking us! Mini-Me in a wig is on the left and La Pequena is on the right. Why do I even give a fuck? It's because I'm under the spell of the evil Trollsens!

While you were slaving away in your cubicle on Friday, Kate Moss was sunning her cokey face on the Balearic Island of Formentera. Kate, her daughter, her mommy (the ho in the red), Marc Jacobs, Marc's maybe husband and some other hos spent the afternoon doing lazy, rich people stuff.

Kate's little trip to Spain could be bad news for Dreamboat Doherty. Kate has reportedly been looking at churches in Ibizia for her wedding to Count von Count aka Jamie Hince. Gross. I hope the church burns down. Shit. Did I just type that?

A source told the Daily Star that Ibiza is special to Kate, because it's the only place she can do coke in peace! No, she loves it because whores over there have no idea who the hell she is. The source said, “Kate’s barely recognized over there, the weather and surroundings are perfect and it’s the best place to party. It’s got everything she needs.”

Kate can't marry Count von Count! That's not the way it's supposed to be! She's supposed to marry Dreamy. I'm about to charter a floating tire to Ibiza to stop this wedding! Ugh.

Here's more of Kate and company looking beat at the beach. Dudes should have to get a license in order to wear speedos in public. Seriously, you should have to go through some kind of test. That shit is not for everyone.

I always hear the worst news at the start of my day before I have even finished my second cup of coffee. I might just have to pour a little Bailey's in this shit after hearing this news. Christina Applegate's rep confirmed that she's been diagnosed with breast cancer.

Her rep issued this statement: "Christina Applegate was diagnosed with an early form of breast cancer. Benefiting from early detection through a doctor ordered MRI, the cancer is not life threatening. Christina is following the recommended treatment of her doctors and will have a full recovery. No further statement will be issued at this time."

First, Christina's boyfriend dies of an overdose and now this?!

Her rep better be telling the truth and Christina better have a full recovery. Not Kelly Bundy. Not her. Buck the Dog and I will howl together in sadness. She'll beat it, I know it.

Christina's mommy is a breast cancer survivor. Because of that, Christina became a spokesperson for Lee National Denim Day, a fundraiser to benefit Women's Cancer Programs.

Good thoughts for Christina!

Source

Jennifer Bertrand from HGTV's Design Star - This shit ends tonight and this bitch better win!