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David Duchovny has checked into rehab because he loves to do ze sexy times way too much. Like WAY too much. Like he's addicted to fucking. I guess that's a bad thing? David issued this statement to People:

"I have voluntarily entered a facility for the treatment of sex addiction. I ask for respect and privacy for my wife and children as we deal with this situation as a family."

48-year-old David has been married to Tea Leoni for over 10 years. They have two kiddies together. David currently plays a shameless man whore on the show "Californication." Maybe this shit is research?

The first thing I thought when I read this was, "I'll be your enabler. Use your addiction on me! My no-no hole can take it. It's made of iron. You're Wino and I'm your crack pipe. Now smooooke me."

Then I thought that some scandalous shit must be on its way. I mean, when a celebrity bitch gets a DUI, they automatically check into rehab. David must have been caught with his chonies down. I just hope that shit was caught on high-definition!

That didn't take long. Michael Lohan has responded to SamRo and HoHan's response about his response about their response? I'm fucking confused. There's so many statements being released through so many different channels. And White Oprah still isn't involved! Coke got her tongue?

Michael released this butt fuck statement to ABC News. I picture his nostrils flaring and drool spewing out of his mouth while he said this crap:

"Who's out of control? Whose life is out of control? Give me a break. Going from place to place, being dragged around by Samantha so she can make more money off of Lindsay being there when she spins.

She's gone from making $7 million to less than a million a movie. Who's out of control? I go to church. I go and help people in rehab. That's control. How can she say I'm out of control? I want Lindsay to be in a good place. When I started looking at what Samantha was doing, dragging Lindsay to clubs, drinking around Lindsay .

Samantha is one of the biggest problems in her life.That's what Dina told me. I'm reacting on what Dina said, but then Dina steps out of the picture because she wants to look like the good guy. Dina's a two-face. She wants to try to look good and stay on Lindsay's good side instead of being a good parent. I don't give two hoots about my relationship with Lindsay as a friend. One day she's going to turn around to me and tell me, 'Daddy, you were right.?

Give daddy a Midol and a warm compress. He's out of control. And if that doesn't bring White Oprah out of hibernation, I don't know what will. White Oprah, show Michael who is the queen of statements!

Michael went on to say that he has text messages and recorded phone calls with White Oprah and HoHan. He threatened, "If they're going to say I'm lying, I'm out of control, I'm going to show that they're lying and they're out of control."

He's funny. Like he really has texts and recorded conversations with them. That's not how this family communicates! They communicate through shitty statements released to the media. His "recorded conversations" were probably pieced together using sound bites from "Living Lohan" and "Mean Girls."

I'm a sucker for a BBP (big beautiful pussy), so when someone sends me shit on one, I have to post it. I would get a BBP of my own, but this is a strictly dickly household. AnyFOPA, remember that fat bitch Princess Chunk? Well, a second fat cat has found its way to the same shelter Princess Chunk called home for a few days. Meet Shamu, a 35-pound male who was found roaming the streets of Camden looking for a two piece and a biscuit. Shamu was living in an abandoned house for a few weeks.

The HBIC of the Camden Animal Shelter said, "He looks to be in pretty good shape other than him being grossly obese. When you look down at the cat, you can't even see his feet." Shamu won't go on a media tour like Princess Chunk. Not for at least a week anyway. The shelter is giving Shamu's owner enough time to claim his chunky ass. If they don't, he'll be up for adoption!

Princess Chunk may also find himself up for adoption again. The family who agreed to adopt him is now upset with the shelter for a couple of reasons. They don't know why it's taken so long for an adoption contract to be drawn up. They are also claiming Princess Chunk only weighs 22 pounds. When he was brought to the shelter, he weighed 44 pounds.

Hmmm....why would they be upset by Princess Chunk weighing 22 pounds instead of 44? Oh shit! They're going to sell him to the cat butcher! Or maybe they already made a deal to put him on "Celebrity Fit Club."

Source

Thanks Pretty Poison

Bijou Phillips skipped on down to jail yesterday to bail out her half-sister, Mackenzie Phillips. Mackenzie is in jail on $10,000 bond because she tried to get heroin and coke past security at LAX. Mackenzie turned Bijou's ass down, saying she didn't have any money to pay her back and just wants to sit in jail.

Mackenzie knows what's up. If she allows Bijou, a Scientologist, to bail her ass out, she'll go straight to Tommy Girl's detox center. In three months, she'll be wearing pegged jeans and bottle-feeding Leah Remini's 4-year-old daughter. What's worse? Sitting in jail or listening to Leah Remini speak? You decide.

TMZ has a few more details on Mackenzie's arrest. While going through security, Mackenzie set off the metal detector. A TSA employee started to pat her down, but Mackenzie became weird and wouldn't cooperate. They sat her down and that's when balloons and baggies of the bad shit fell out through her pant leg. Okay, maybe Stepford Katie's pegged jeans would have come in handy in this case. But this case only! The TSA also found 34 syringes in her bag.

After she was arrested, a police officer performed a strip search and found her arms covered in track marks. She was asked if she had Diabetes and she responded, "No, I am healthy except for my drug problem." Mackenzie should have used the Tatum O'Neal excuse instead of admitting the drugs were hers. She should've said, "Um....I'm researching a part. The movie is called 'The Tatum O'Neal' story."

Here's more of Bijou and some lady outside the jail yesterday. I think I bought my first joint from the lady Bijou is with. Her name was Bea and she smelled like Hamburger Helper.

UPDATE: Bijou bailed Mackenzie out this afternoon! She'll be in Tommy Girl's clutches by dinnertime!

America's new sweetheart? Sourfart is more like it. Now, I don't know what "Supermodels Unlimited" magazine is, but I'm pretty sure the only place they publish it is at Six Flags Magic Mountain. This mess looks like it was put together in a booth next to the popcorn stand.

Do you know what I'm babbling about? When I was younger, one of my favorite things to do at an amusement park was to get my picture taken for the cover of some generic magazine. My gay ass would usually choose "FASHION" or "CUTE" magazine. Thankfully, I've burned that shit along with my Barbizon diploma. Some things are better left unseen.

That's totally what White Oprah and Ali Lohan did. Or maybe thanks to the magic of the interwebs, they used MagMyPic.com. They should have went with "Vague" magazine. It would've made more sense.

Here's more of 45-year-old Ali in that Supermodels Unlimited mess. Homegirl is in dire need of a Glamour Shots makeover.

Teri Hatcher is looking sexy hot! The Rachel "Chupacabra" Zoe Diet is really working for her! For serious! It's the Queen King of Pop working it in an Ann Taylor Loft blazer and pajama pants at the Planet Hollywood Hotel in Las Vegas last night. I think we finally know what happened to Bubbles. Jacko is wearing him on his head. Honestly, couldn't Raquel Welch fix Jacko up with a wig that doesn't look like Little Richard's merkin?

That being said, I'd hit it in a pool filled with Jesus Juice. Well, a hardcore slut likes variety and isn't afraid to try new things. All you gotta do is close your eyes, hold your breath and do it for the sake of your slutty reputation.

P.S. - Click here to see what Jacko would look like today if he didn't eff up his face.

CoCo's camel toe holds all the answers - Hollywood Rag

Katy Perry's titties get plastered. They should have done her mouth too - Egotastic!

Christina Ricci doesn't like bras - IDLYITW

Brad Pitt goes back to France, still wearing funny-looking clothes - Popsugar

Brandon Flowers is in the middle - Towleroad

Is Becks big wear it counts? - Lainey Gossip

A kaleidoscope of Vadge's crotch - Cityrag

Ashley Jizzdale got a haircut, still looks fug (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

So I'm guessing Chris Brown is voting for Obama - Just Jared

These two melons have a higher IQ than Heidi - Hollywood Tuna

Tim Gunn just doesn't understand what Katie Holmes' tight-rolled jeans are all about. Yesterday, he told People Magazine, “I have to say, Katie Holmes has become so much more sophisticated in so many ways, but I think she’s in a dip right now. I can’t explain it.” I can explain it. Two words: BARLEY WATER. And Katie isn't the only one in a dip. Tommy Girl is probably in a dip right now. A dip who starred in "Urban Cowboy."

Timmy went on to say, “She ascended from this tomboyish waif look to an incredible sexy sophisticate. We realize how much style she’s capable of. I don’t get it.” I'm so glad he didn't say "make it work" once during that statement.

Tommy Girl's sad clone didn't wear her pegged jeans today, but she looks still looks raggedy. It's over 80 degrees in NYC today! Her CPU cooling system must be working overtime.

British artist Marc Quinn has a major hard-on for Kate Moss. In 2006, he created a sculpture of Kate with her cokey crotch taking center strange. Now Marc has taken it even further. This October, Marc will unveil his $2.8 million, 110-pound solid gold statute of Kate. Solid gold and it only weighs 110-pounds? The real Kate Moss doesn't even weigh half of that. It's a coke statue covered in foolio's gold. Don't be surprised if Marc's work pays a visit to a "museum" in Miami. I know what's going on here.

When asked why Marc chose to make a gold statute of Miss Moss, he answered, "I thought the next thing to do would be to make a sculpture of the person who's the ideal beauty of the moment. But even Kate Moss doesn't live up to the image."

I feel sorry for Marc. He obviously has never seen a picture of the most gorgeous, elegant, stunning creature on the planet: The Empress of Lucite. One of Shauna Sand's poopy nuggets are worth more than 10 of those Kate Moss statues.

The British Museum only released a teaser image of the statute, but I'm pretty sure the whole thing probably looks like something that belongs in an Easter basket. This fuckery will be on display from October 4th through January 25th.

Papa Joe must be patting himself on the back fat this morning for getting his daughter on the cover of People Magazine. The photographer and his staff should win some award for getting Jessica Simpson to pose without her mouth looking like a fly trap. It probably took a few yards of chicken wire and gorilla glue to keep her insect hole shut for that long. The photographer also held a little birdie over the camera. Jessica was so transfixed with it that she closed her teeth. Good job!

The article is just as vomit-inducing as the cover line. I'm sure Jessica stole some of her statements from a Barry Manilow song.

In the issue, she queefs about her perfectly staged relationship with Tony Romo, "I just told him today, 'You're the love of my life,' I don't really ever say that to anybody." This bubblehead probably forgets her own name regularly, so I doubt she remembers what she told some tool hours before. Somewhere in the world Nick Lachey, John Mayer, Dane Cook, Adam Levine and Bam Margera are rolling their eyes.

The big-tittied frog is so serious about Romo that she's changed her e-mail address and cell number. "I don't want anybody that's been in my life [before] in my life anymore. I don't even want them to have any way of contacting me." Getting a hold of Jessica is easy. Just open up a jar of flies and that ho will come calling.

She goes on to say that Romo hasn't done the same thing for her, but she's not "a jealous girl." No, just a dumb one.

Finally, Jessica mouth farts about how she dealt with her break-up from John Mayer. "I had to regain self-esteem and self-value. I just love, so I don't understand when people can't do exactly what I do."

Okay, I think I figured out where she got all these quotes. She totally stole them from my sister's 6th grade diary. No offense to my sister.

Here's Jess wearing curtains stolen from a Cracker Barrel while performing at Niagara Falls Fallsview Casino (HA!) last night.