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Lily Allen heard my pleas and finally got rid of that stale ass cotton candy mop. It was seriously starting to look like Jem's pussy bush.

Now, I'm not sure about the doody brown color or the janky ass weave, but a change is a change. She also needs to dump those clip-on bangs in the nearest trash can.

Okay, I change my mind. I hate it. Lily, please bring back Jem's pussy bush!

Star Magazine reports that Drew Barrymore and Justin Long have broken up. Drew's spokesbitch said, "I can confirm the split but have no other comment."

33-year-old Drew and the 30-year-old Mac Dude started dating in September 2007. For some reason, I thought they were together for years. I guess time seems to stretch out when you don't really give a fuck.

They probably broke up because even the Mac Dude couldn't get Drew the new iPhone. The new iPhone is ruining lives!!

Drew's intermission between boyfriends is never long, so she'll probably have a new dude in a couple of weeks. Any bets on who it might be? I'm going to go with Vince Vaughn. Or has she already hit that? I can never keep up with these Hollywood sluts.

The Queen of Everything and her pet lezzie, Gayelle King, are currently on vacation in Italy. The Italians around Oprah should really be on their knees, bowing down in her presence. I'm sure they will be executed later for not following the rules.

Stedman didn't come along, because the sound of Oprah and Gayelle's scissor slapping keeps him up at night and he's a total bitch if he doesn't get his 8 hours. Besides, all Oprah and Gayelle plan to do in Italy is eat, eat, eat, eat, eat and eat! And I'm not talking about food eating. Although, I'm sure there will be plenty of that too.

I didn't know Mischa Barton was the new face for Tyrone panties! I don't even know what Tyrone panties is!

A loverly reader named Zaira was doing her weekly grocery shopping at the 99 Cent Store (I'm joking!) when she came upon Mischa's newest ad campaign. Here's what Zaira wrote:

On my way to work I pass a 99 cents store every day, and I go in often because I’m ghetto and will buy bootleg Windex and brooms. So I’m going through the aisle and I see that this store sells everything, the kitchen sink, your moms, and panties. Below is the picture of the panties they are selling. I’m pretty sure Mischa Barton doesn’t want you to know she’s hawking 99 cent store panties.

Hey, at least they were nice enough to airbrush her cotty cheese. You know Mischa agreed to shit. She did it in exchange for a half-smoked joint.

And yes, it's a slow day.

Okay, so we all know Kanye West is a little delusional in the brains and may get dramatic every now and again, but he does not need anger management! According to The Sun (via MTV), his management people thinks his temper might fuck up future business ventures, so they've asked him to get some help.

A source said, “Kanye’s management team came up with the idea. His mood swings were beginning to play a part in his commercial enterprises as people felt he was miserable all the time. The rapper is in line for deals with two big firms but both have started asking how easy he would be to work with.”

Kanye needs to pull out the CAPS on his management team and tell them to SHUT THE FUCK UP, BECAUSE THEY HAVE SQUID BRAINS.

Good luck to his management whores in trying to find a joint that will take Kanye. They shut the doors for his insane ass.

Maybe Kanye should hire Zoila from "Flipping Out." She seems to calm down Mr. Jeff. I'm sure she can calm Kanye down too. Zoila can do anything. I can already hear her saying, "Are you bite me Kanye?"

This 35-year-old Aaron Maurice and he was arrested in Appleton, WI last Wednesday after police found him in the basement of a house he was trying to rob. They found Aaron completely covered in barbecue sauce from head to toe.

It all started at around 4 in the morning, when the couple who lived in the house, heard whistling coming from the basement. The male resident grabbed his shotgun and headed to the basement. He found the lights turned on, so he turned them off. That's when the BBQ lover Aaron asked the man what he was doing.

In addition to the BBQ sauce, Aaron was wearing a chick's jacket and a dude's hat. He told the po-po that he broke into the basement, because he's on the run from the government. He said the BBQ sauce was an “urban disguise.” Crack is whack!

I know what I'm going to be for Halloween. I also hope the police release pictures of Aaron in his BBQ sauce disguise. You know, because if I'm ever on the run from the government, I want to know if BBQ sauce is a good enough disguise.

And yes, I'd hit it. BBQ sauce and all!

Source

This is the cover for Christopher Ciccone's "explosive" tell-all "Life With My Sister Vadge." The book comes out next week and is supposed to reveal Vadge's marriages, her gayelle ways and her drug-taking. A better title would have been "Shit You Already Know About Vadge, But Will Pay $29.95 To Read Again."

Christopher seriously failed with this cover. A picture of Vadge looking like a sneaky alien? And what's up with the noodle art? Sorry Chrissy, but this does not get a Photoshop Award.

Also, who thinks Vadge is behind this book too? Vadgemania! And I'm totally falling for it.

Source: The London Blog

In an interview with Complex.com, 49-year-old Foofy Foofy claims he lost his virginity when he was just 6-years-old. Baby jizz! He sort of explains how it went down, but I do not want to know the nasty details! I don't need the child touching police knocking on my door, so I'm just going to leave it at that! Here's what he had to say about this bullshit:

Complex: Where did you lose your virginity?
Flavor Flav: Where did I lose my virginity? I lost my virginity in the bushes on a box.

Complex: Really?
Flavor Flav: Yea, in the bushes on a box. A girl and me were having sex on a box in the bushes, in some big tall bushes.

Complex: How uh…when was this?
Flavor Flav: This was when I was real, real, real, real, young.

Complex: Like elementary school? Or middle school?
Flavor Flav: Nah, I’m a tell you the truth; I lost my virginity when I was 6 years old.

Complex: Really?
Flavor Flav: Yea, man. Because you know we learned to have done the nasty back in the days, and me and this girl we experiment, we were experimenting, and my little joint got hard, I penetrated for about a few seconds.

Complex: I respect that. Early start my man.
Flavor Flav: That’s right early start and guess what and I have a great finish right now. [Laughs] Yessir!

Now, I don't know if that really counts as "losing his virginity," but it's still some fucked up shit. When I was six, I was playing with my Barbies in the bushes, not doing sexy sexy times!

Some things should be kept to yourself. Foofy Foofy doing sex at six is one of them, and me playing with Barbies in the bushes is the other.

Yes, this is ANOTHER A-Rod post, but I just had to. As you know, A-Hole's she-hulk wifey filed for divorce in Miami today. Well, A-Hole has hired Miami lawyer Ira Elegant to represent him. ELEGANT! Dimitri the Lover would approve and is probably jealous as fuck that he can't afford a lawyer as elegant as Ira Elegant. ELEGANT!

I've met the man of my dreams and his name is Ira ELEGANT. Imagine if we married? Michael K. Elegant. And no, I'm not sniffing the freon from the A/C again.

And just for shits, here's Dimitri's elegant voicemail again:

JLo and Skeletor's Dragon Tales Twins, Max and Emme, came out to play in Italy on Saturday. They certainly look like their daddy. They also look like they've been hitting the bad stuff. You can't blame them either. You also know JLo called up Brit Brit for her world famous Purple DRANK recipe. She makes the staff give it to her twins to keep them quiet while she gets her hourly massage.

This is totally like the third time the DT twinsies have seen their mommy! They are like, "Who's this bitch?"