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This picture will be coming to bed with me tonight. Sit and spin! I'll get paper cuts on my ass lips, but it's worth it. Anyway, let's crawl out of the gutter now, shall we? Well, we'll crawl out of the gutter and then crawl right back in, because this is a story about Dreamboat Doherty.

Dreamboat actually showed up to court today to face charges for assaulting a pap last summer. The pap, Catherine Mead, was following his crackie ass around when Dreamy stopped her and asked, "Why have you been following me around all day, why don’t you come and introduce yourselves?" Instead of fainting from being so close to Dreamy's intense hotness, the dumb bitch kept taking pictures, so he grabbed her camera and broke it.

Dreamy pleaded guilty, the court accepted his plea and ordered him to pay a $2,000 fine. $1,800 goes to the pap for her busted camera. $200 goes to the court for fees.

He told reporters outside of court, "Yeah, it was OK today. It should have been sorted out ages ago, to be honest." He went on to say, "Michael K, will you marry me?" I wish. I'd pay all his court fees and even clean the crackie jam out of his toes....with my tongue.

The dumb bitch pap probably thinks Dreamboat is really going to pay her $1,800 for her stupid camera. Even if he had that kind of money, he wouldn't give it to her annoying ass. He would smoke, smoke, smoke it up!

Kim Porter was with Diddy for 10 fucking years. They have 3 children together and his ass never married her. I think they were engaged at least 100 times, but I'm not sure. Star Magazine reports that Diddy is telling his friends and family that he will marry a woman and her name is not Kim Porter. Her name is Cassandra Ventura. That's a hot name. She's got Kim in the name department. Sorry.

A source said, "Diddy said they hadn't set a date yet, but he wanted his family to hear the news first." 38-year-old Diddy met 21-year-old Cassie when he signed her to his label in 2006.

If Cassie thinks she's getting the wedding of her dreams, she's mistaken. This is going to be The Diddy Show. He will be the bride, groom, priest, best man, all of the groomsmen and all of the bridesmaids. Everything will have his face on it and he'll perform at the ceremony and the reception. Cassie will just sit on the side, waiting until it's time to cut the damn cake.

That's if Kim Porter doesn't crash the ceremony. Shit, I'll even drive her ass there and hold down Diddy while Kim slaps the shit out of him. Then we'll steal a bunch of jordan almonds (love those) and bust out of there.

Skank fight alert! Shanna Moakler and Kim Kardashian are in some kind of dumb feud and it all came to a "head" at a bbq in Malibu this weekend. Pieces of trash!

Shanna told The Dirty that it went down as soon as Kim's fat ass showed up, "I was at this bbq and I saw what I thought was a donkey posing on the stairs but much to my surprise, it was Kim Kardashian. No, wait, it was a donkey! She’s soooo fucking fat! She’s 5′2″ and she’s like 140. She was wearing a sarong to cover her huge big ass! I like a nice ass but hers is not a nice ass!" Okay, score 1 for Shauna.

Shanna said she tried to keep it classy, but she couldn't so she threw her drink on Kim. She went on to say, "Then, Reggie comes up and says 'YO! Be careful what you say!' And I was like 'Your girls a whore!' and he said it again - 'Be careful what you say.' and I just told him again - “Your girl’s a whore!'" Okay, score 2 for Shauna.

Shanna is apparently mad at Kim over some e-mails sent to Travis Barker. Shanna issued a "statement" to TMZ:

"Quite some time ago I received emails from her mobile device of VERY inappropriate conduct between herself and my husband at the time, that were NOT at all 'friendly' and very much 'romantically' inclined. I spoke to Kim Kardashian, asking her to please stay away from my family as we are trying to heal after a very trying time, she agreed and but failed to do so.

If I had known Ms. Kardashian was going to be at the BBQ in Malibu I wouldn't have gone. One day women will realize when you destroy families there will be angry and hurt ex-wives to deal with. I still have these emails and I won't release them as not to embarrass my ex and my family any further."

Kim also issued her own statement saying that she modeled for Travis Barker's clothing over a year ago, but has never had a romantic relationship with him. Blah...blah...blah..

For real, are we back in junior high school again? A really skanky junior high school for hookers, strippers and porn stars? I mean, these are grown ass women. Although, Shanna is kind of hot for throwing her drink on Kim.

There's only one way for these two useless skeezers to settle this: ORAL SEX CONTEST IN GREECE!

Some smartass farmer in Northfolk came up with a way to keep the pigeons out of his sugar beets and he claims it's working. Look at him. He's so proud of this shit. He thinks he should win some sort of award for his contribution to the farming industry. No, I wasn't being sarcastic. He really does.

He told Ananova, "She's the best scarecrow we've ever had and she's doing a brilliant job. In fact she's doing a better job scaring the birds than she is singing at the moment. I'd be happy to offer her a full time job if she needs one when the singing is over." He's also going to make both a Dreamboat Doherty and a Blaaake scarecrow.

Pff! That Wino scarecrow is hardly that frightening. He should just blow up one of the pictures below. Although, that might do more than just scare the birds away. It would also kill a few plants and give a few of the local children a bad case of scabies. Seriously, Wino looks like she was attacked by a family of cracked out crows. Her friend is equally as scary.

It doesn't bother me that this tacky bitch is wearing a crown, but it does bother me that she's wearing a crown with that outfit. From the neck up, she's a contestant in a local drag queen pageant. From the neck down, she's a day-shift hooker in Colorado. The two don't go together! Well, at least that fugly crown distracts from her baby poo fake tan and the fat spider legs coming out of her eyes.

Here's Katie Price at a signing for a book she didn't write. I also threw in some pictures of her big gay husband out in about with his butt buddy last night. I think Peter Andre's ring used to belong to Joan Collins.

The FBI raided Raffey Follieri's Trump Tower apartment and took a ton of shit including Anne Hathaway's private diaries. Rush & Molloy reports that they also seized a bunch of personal photos of Raffey with Anne, Pope John Paul II, Bill Clinton, Cindy McCain and other hos.

The FBI hope Anne's diaries and the other shit can help build their case against Raffey. Raffey was charged with 11 counts of fraud and money laundering for pretending to be the CFO of the Vatican in order to do a bunch of hood rat stuff.

Raffey is still in jail and Anne wants nothing to do with him. She's changed all her phone numbers and hasn't spoken to him since she dumped his ass days before his arrest.

There's probably nothing major in those diaries. Anne Hathaway is every shade of boring. Her entries probably look like this:

"Dear Diary,

No matter what I do I can't get this awful fish taste out of my mouth. I've tried brushing with baking soda, rinsing with vinegar and nothing. It just won't go away and people are starting to ask questions. I know I could stop eating fish, but I just love the taste. I'll ask Heather Matarazzo what to do. She'll know.

Love, Kisses and Sushi,
Annie

P.S. - I think my beard might be stealing from the pope or something. I'm not sure."

What are the hos at Madam Tussauds trying to do? TyTy Baby already has one of these creepy things in DC and now she has another one in NYC! The out of control beast known as TyTy's ego is going to explode from all the dick stroking. If her head gets any bigger, her forehead could double as JFK's newest terminal.

They didn't do TyTy any favors with this new wax statute. Not only does it look like it's smiling with its eyes, but it also looks like it's smiling with its wax peen too. That thing is trannylicious. Oooh...TyTy is going to be happy.

Vanessa Hudgens and Zac Efron go motorboating. I can hear him "ewwwwwing" inside- Egotastic!

Jessica Simpson's dog Daisy is thisclose to suicide. The looks on her face says it all - Hollywood Tuna

Tim Burton has found his Alice - Just Jared

Where's Tea Leoni? - Lainey Gossip

Brooke Hogan's staged bikini pictures - Dude is buff! (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

George Michael is only 45?! - Towleroad

HoHan still drinks champagne - Hollywood Rag

Brit Brit Spears: Looking clean one day, looking shitty the next - Cityrag

The cops are keeping an eye on Shia LaDouche - Popsugar

Jennifer Tilly is so fucking hot, but that hair needs to go - IDLYITW

File this under: Screech, you make my dreams come true! NY Mag's Vulture reports that Dustin Diamond is writing a "Saved by the Bell" tell-all called "Behind the Bell."

Screech and his ghostwriter, Alan Goldsher, plan to fill the book with stories about "sexual escapades among cast members, drug use, and hardcore partying." And he's just talking about Mr. Belding in that description. You know that bitch was trouble.

Dustin played Screech for 13 years. He also had a sex tape and almost lost his house. He later confessed to lying about the "losing his house" thing.

Seriously, I don't really like reading books, but I can't wait to read this shit. I hope Screech devotes an entire chapter to A.C. Slater and Zach Morris' private "workout sessions."

In the infamous words of Jesse Spano: "I'm so excited...I'm so excited....I'm sooo....scared."

Thanks Stephanie

This post has a few spoilers, so close your eyes and count to 20 if you don't want to know anything. Or just go and eat your 5th glazed donut of the day.

Wesley confirmed to People that he's bumping boypussies with fellow "Project Runway" contestant Daniel. There were tons of rumors on the internets that they were dating after both hos changed their MySpace profiles to "in a relationship." They also listed each other as their "Top Friend." Damn, MySpace!

Wesley said, "We met on the show. And we tried to keep it very professional on the show because we were both there for our careers, and we didn’t expect this to come out of it. But I’m really happy.” Damn, those sluts worked fast! Wesley was only one the show for like ten minutes. Hey, you can't deny true love.

They are still together and Wesley said he's shocked that it's such a big deal. Blah...blah... What I really want to know is who's the top and who's the bottom? They probably don't even do sexy times. They get off by sewing shit together and watching fashion TV.

Screw these two! I want to know more about the secret romance between Stella and Terri! They are totally doing it. And by "it" I mean nothing.

P.S. - My favorite part of last night's episode was when Neeeeena Garcia said something like, "Shiny, tight, and short is the quickest way to look cheap." Cut to Heidi Klum wearing something shiny, tight and short. Cat fight!