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White Oprah better step up her game, because there's a new fake ass bitch in town. Lindsay HoHan's alleged secret half-sister and her sleazy mommy spoke to The Insider and they really brought the drama. Did the John Robert Powers acting school have a 2-for-1 mother/daughter special, because they are phenomenal actresses.

You can really feel the raw emotion pouring out of HoHan's secret half-sister when she says, "I'd love to meet my thiblings. I'd love that. But not with him. Not now...." DAMN! HoHan should take acting classes from this girl.

The mommy really brings it at the end when she cries glycerin tears and says, "I didn't want this....I just didn't. Michael gave me no choice." Standing ovation! That's some Lifetime movie shit right there.

I can't wait until Michael Lohan's paternity results come back. These two are going to bring it hardcore. Clip below:

Thanks Alex

Mayor Christian Estrosi of Nice, France held a fucking press conference today to show off the birth certificates of the twin messiahs aka Hard Knox and Vivie Jolie-Pitt. The hell?! Is this normal?

I'm surprised his ass didn't come prancing out with Saint Angelina's golden placenta in one hand and the chosen ones' umbilical cords in the other. Yeah, scratch that. They didn't have umbilical cords, because they dropped from the heavens above.

Mayor Christian told reporters, "On behalf of the inhabitants of Nice, I congratulate the happy parents, the most famous couple of the world who have chosen our city for this happy event. I also congratulate the four brothers and sisters of the newborns who are [history won't forget it] real 'Niçois' ('citizens of Nice'). It's a pride to Nice and all its citizens."

Ok, how much did Brangelina pay his ass? I'm waiting for him to announce that they are changing the name of their city from Nice to Brangelinaville.

Not only did the mayor hold a press conference, but so did her doctor. Dr. Michel Sussmann said that Brad was in the room with Saint Angelina. He said, "It was an epidural, so [Angelina] was awake and speaking and laughing. They were happy." Dr. Michel went on to say that Brad even cut their umbilical cords. Okay, so they did have umbilical cords. Expect to see their crystal cords on eBay.

Who the hell is going to give a press conference next? The janitor?

I guess I should also take part in celebrating this totallyamazingspecialwonderfulfantasticholy day. I will celebrate by getting shitbombed for the second time today! Hooray! I wish everyday was Brangelina day!

Don't even fucking ask which is the beauty and which is the beast. Don't! If you don't know, then you need to immediately stick your head in a dirty toilet as punishment. The Empress of Lucite has no business cavorting with peons like Christian Audigier. The douche is from fucking Ed Hardy. Ed Hardy! If Shauna Sand did go poo poo, she would use his clothes to wipe her extremely elegant ass with.

I mean, look at her! It's like looking at a one-of-a-kind Waterford crystal goblet next to a plastic cup from Big Lots. She should be dining with royalty, not smoking on the streets with commoners. At least she's wearing her exquisite lucite heels. If only I could be one of her exquisite lucite heels for just one day. It would make everything so...clear.

Anyway, Shauna Sand partied with peasants at STK last night. Margaret Cho was there with La Pequena. Okay, that's not La Pequena. It's Selena Luna, but they are probably separated at birth.

The Piv in a v-neck and Sean Penn also showed up. Those two probably fought over which one of them was going to suck on Shauna's scrumptious toes. Her toe jam is probably like fine pate.

Cruelle de Stone really doesn't have any love for our animal friends. Ernest Borgnine, who starred with Sharon Stone in Wes Craven's "Deadly Blessing," says that while shooting the movie Wes kept trying to get Sharon to do a scene with a huge tarantula.

Ernest writes in his new autobiography that she only agreed to do it under one condition, "Sharon wanted the spider's pincers removed . . . Since someone from the ASPCA might be reading, let's just skip what happened next."

The ASPCA didn't respond, but Peta did! They told Page Six, "She chose to make a tiny insect an amputee. Perhaps she should change her name legally to 'Heart of Stone.' " Hmm...Heart of Stone? That has a nice ring to it. Sharon's spokeswhore laughed it off by saying, "If the tarantula was a male, we could add him to her list of her extraordinary leading men, including Richard Chamberlain, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Richard Gere & Dustin Hoffman."

I'm disappointed in Cruella de Stone. I thought she ate live tarantulas for breakfast. She probably turned the tarantula's sphincters (typo, but I'm keeping it) into earrings.

Below is the scene from the movie starring Sharon and the poor spider. I'm surprised Sharon cared so much. She should be used to having hairy things in her mouth.

Birthday: ?
Age: Pepaw age
Birth Name: ?

Original Date of HS of the Day: July 11, 2008
Claim to Fame: Father of Denise Richards and the breakout star of her reality crap show "Denise Richards: It's Complicated." He also used to work for the telephone company, so he gets extra points for that. Why does he get extra points? I don't know why, he just does.

Where is he now? Probably taking a nap. Pepaws are always taking naps.

Why is he HS of the Week? Irv is the only reason to watch Denise's show. He sort of reminds me of Mister. Rogers. Every time Denise tells him something that might shock him, his response is usually, "Oh boy" or "Oh gosh!" I'm waiting for him to say, "Cheese and crackers!"

Below is a clip of Irv getting waxed, spray-tanned and groomed for an event. The shit he goes through for his hooker daughter.

This is the Subway Goddess of Chile and she's one brave bitch. Homegirl entertains commuters by stripping and bumping her shit on the subway pole. I hope she has all her shots, because I can barely look at a subway pole without feeling like I've just got caught some jungle disease.

I mean, the bitch rubs her coochie on that thing! Her vagina is like a petri dish. She probably wonders why her chocha has fungus growning on it. Bitch, it's because you rub it on a pole that hasn't been cleaned since the beginning of time!

Apparently, the cops weren't feeling the sexy and she was arrested. They better have taken her ass to the nearest free clinic. Her vagina needs to soak overnight in bleach water.

VIA Gawker

A few douchebag Toronto Blue Jays fans decided to poke fun at A-Rod by displaying pictures of Vadge in the front row during yesterday's game. That dude in the orange hat is totally saying, "Ooooh A-Rod. It's me Vadge. Kiss my buff bagina. Will ya?" Unfortunately, A-Rod was not amused.

Those dudes needed to take their mocking to the next level. They should have brought pictures of C-Rod and A-Rod's other hos too. Better yet, they should have dressed in drag. Actually, they don't have the biceps to pull it off. That being said, I'd still hit dude in the orange hat. He would probably hold on to his beer while hittin' from the back. Swoooooon.

According to Deadspin, A-Rod still managed to collect one of the Yankees' two hits. Whatever that means.

Well, the dude who is playing Dubya in a movie got arrested.

Josh Brolin looks so calm and happy for a dude that was just busted in a drunken bar fight. Piece of trash! That bitch was arrested yesterday morning during a bar fight at the Stray Cat Bar in Shreveport, LA. Stray Cat Bar?! This shit is so cliche.

Jeffrey Wright was also busted along with 5 others. Josh, Jeffrey and the 5 crew members are in Shreveport filming "W" for Oliver Stone. Josh Brolin plays Dubya. You know he told the cops, "Bitches! I'm the President of the Motherfuckin' United States. Bow the fuck down!"

I'm sure Ellen Burstyn who plays Barbara Bush was also in the bar fight, but she did a lap dance for the cops and they let her go.

It all started when cops were called to the bar because one of the "W" crew members was causing a scene. They arrested him for public intoxiation and resisting arrest. Josh and Jeffrey stepped in and that's when things got a little wild. The cops had to call in for back up and they were arrested.

Josh and Jeffrey bailed out and are now back on the streets. Below are the mug shots of the others. Cherilyn Young's mug shot has made my morning. And Jeffrey Wright is totally thinking, "And what, motherfucker?!"

I'm sure you already heard the news due to the fact that millions are rioting in the streets, thousands of people are shouting from mountain tops and your pet has probably taken shelter underneath your bed. Lock your doors, turn off your electricity and horde your water, because the second coming of Jesus is here (aka Saint Angelina gave birth to the twin messiahs). I know, don't you just want to burst into tears and bathe in holy water?

The chosen ones arrived on our planet yesterday in France. They can already talk, read, write and sing. Their SAT scores are already higher than yours and I'm sure they've already been shortlisted for an Oscar this year. A Nobel Peace Prize too.

Saint Angelina gave birth to a boy, Knox Leon, and a girl, Vivienne Marcheline. Knox was the middle name of Brad's pepaw. Marcheline was Angelina's mother's name.

Vivi weighed in at 5lbs and Knox weighed in at 5.03. Knox needs to go on the zone diet stat! Things in the Brangelina household are now even. 3 boys, 3 girls.

3 boys named Maddox, Pax and Knox. Those three should start a boy band and call themselves Triple X.

Saint Angelina's doctor told the Associated Press (via People) that the chosen ones were delivered via c-section. He said, "The babies are doing well. The operation went just perfectly. Angelina is in very good spirits. Brad Pitt was at her side. He was there and all was well."

Brangie's lawyers also wasted no time in buying up every single domain name for their chosen ones. They purchased everything from knoxleonjoliepitt.com to viviennemarchelinejoliepitt.biz. They covered all their bases.

There's good news though! Brangelinaisridiculous.com is still available!

So that's that! You now must immediately shut down your computer and spend the day praying at your Brangelina shrine, begging for forgiveness for all the sins you've committed. Or you can just spend the day drinking until your eyeballs roll back into your head. Either one works.

Tempest Storm - The 80-year-old Las Vegas burlesque queen who is still fucking working today. Tempest still keeps it classy. She has either dated or performed for Elvis, Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin, Mickey Rooney and Nat King Cole.

She doesn't plan on retiring anytime soon. She said, "I feel good about myself. And I enjoy it. I have fun when I'm onstage, and the audience loves it. Nobody ever said it's time to give it up. Why stop?"

Click here to read her interview with MSNBC and for more pictures.

And Tempest is totally international supermodel Phoebe Price in 5 years. I'm joking! In 10 years.

Below is one of Tempest's number from the old days:

For Pamela