My world crumbled into ten million pieces yesterday after learning that Sam Talbot from "Top Chef 2" got engaged to some skank who doesn't understand him the way I do. Thankfully, I pulled it together with a little help from my friends Bartles & Jaymes. Don't judge! Exotic Berry tastes like nectar from the gods.
Anywhore, after learning that Sam got engaged, a bunch of chicks have come forward claiming he's the whoriest whore who ever whored. One girl told Page Six, "He's a dog. He told me I was his girlfriend, and then my friend went to the opening of Surf Lodge and was introduced to another woman he called his girlfriend. There are girls all over with him."
A few Dlisted birdies also wrote me saying that they fucked or knew a bitch who fucked Sam within the past few months.
It makes me feel better knowing that Sam knows he is a hot piece and is sharing his hotness with the world. I bet he's also sharing the creatures living in his genitals. Hey, it's a small price to pay and that's what RID is for.
Tommy Girl has no reason to smile. The dumb bitch has just been named in a $250 million lawsuit against Scientology. The lawsuit was filed by an ex-Scientologist that goes by the name of Peter Letterese. Peter filed using the RICO statue. You know what RICO is if you saw "The Dark Knight." Everything I know, I learned from "The Dark Knight." Petey claims the aliens harassed his ass after he left their clan.
Rush & Molloy has the smart people details:
In court papers provided to The News by investigator Paul Barresi, Letterese claims a member of the church phoned his lawyer at home, and when the lawyer's wife answered, said he was her husband's homosexual lover.
Barresi, who has done investigative work on behalf of Cruise, tells us: "[Letterese] is just including a celebrity name to get attention." Letterese calls the church a "crime syndicate" and wants it broken up under the Racketeer Influenced and Corrupt Organization law, just as the feds have broken up Mafia families.
He singles out Cruise, who's made no secret of his religion, saying that Scientology head David Miscavage is "aided and abetted by the actions of Tom Cruise, his right-hand man for foreign and domestic promotion, as well as for foreign and domestic lobbying. He has assisted the syndicate in acquiring funds and [made] his own donations of money believed to be in the multiple tens of millions of dollars."
One of Letterese's beefs is that the church allegedly uses a business book, "Effective Sales Closing Techniques," as part of its teachings. He says this violates his intellectual property rights, since he bought the rights to the book from the widow of author Leslie Dane.
Wait....so Tommy Girl's private investigator handed over the court papers to Rush & Molly? And isn't Paul Barresi a former porn star?! Something smells fishy and it's not Tommy Girl's ass jelly. Actually, Tommy's ass jelly smells like a mixture of rotten trout and boiled beef. Surf and turf!
Petey is seriously one brave bitch. Hopefully this lawsuit goes somewhere, because I can't wait for the juicy shit that is going to come pouring out. Juicy like Tommy Girl's.....Oh, you know!
Matthew Broderick and SJP just so happened to run into the paps as they left a restaurant together in NYC last night. Please, you know those bitches texted the paps. I would say call, but who does that anymore?
Last week, Star Magazine claimed Matthew is having an affair with a chick. Yes, a woman. A biological woman. Obviously, since SJP and Matthew are out together, this must mean their marriage is just peachy.
I'm surprised Matthew didn't grab SJP, dip her, suck on her pony lips, and declare his love for her in front of everyone. Shit, they should have just done fuckey fuckey times in front of the paps, so everyone would know that their marriage isn't in the troff.
And what is going on with Matthew? He used to be semi-cute, right? Now he just looks like he spends way too much time in his basement, watching really kinky gay porn while eating an entire box of Vanilla Wafers.
Also, I didn't know they were Buddhists. Isn't the white string a Buddhist thing? I should become a Buddhist. I like white strings.
Mini-Me is about to file a lawsuit against his sex tape co-star, Ranae Shrider, for allegedly beating his tiny baby ass and causing him emotional distress.
Mini's lawyer told TMZ that Ranae once picked a lock on his door
with her teeth, pushed away a scooter that was blocking it, and then threw Mini to the floor. The lawyer went on to say, "When you pick up a 2'8" human being and throw him to the floor, it hurts."
Remember how we're all riding on that bus to hell together? Well, I've just being upgraded to first-class air for laughing so hard at the image of Mini-Me getting thrown. Midget tossing!
Mini's lawyer said that the damages caused to him by Ranae exceed $20 million. Um....how did they get to that number exactly? Was his door made out of diamonds? Does Mini-Me shit gold toddler nuggets? Even if Ranae does all the midget porn in the world, she's still not going to be able to pay off that debt.
I feel for poor Mini-Me. That giant horsey lady coming at him with her ginormous teeth must have been scaaaaaawy. Mini was probably shaking in his underoos. Mini-Me, get that mean ole' pony girl! Make her pay!
This robot bitch is only missing a pair of Reebok Pumps, an LA Gear sweatshirt, and it would be like 1990 again! I look at this picture of Katie Holmes in tight-rolled jeans and all I hear is Stevie B's "Because I Love You." The 90s were a trying time. Seriously, we would spend forever trying to perfectly roll our jeans.
Being brainwashed by Tommy Girl really makes you do (and wear) some fucked up shit. Katie, stop trying to make tight rolled jeans happen. It wasn't hot then and it's not hot now.
Also, I can't talk about LA Gear without posting Paula Abdul's amazing commercial for them from the 90s. "I Still Burn Toast......"
I thank the Chicken Cutlet gods every day for not giving us YouTube when I was a kid. This would be me. The FresnoBeehive posted this video of 11-year-old Dannyhott, a YouTuber with a small following, singing Mimi's "Touch My Body." He probably has no idea what he's singing about, but it's still not right!
I didn't get through the whole video because the state of the room was starting to bother me. I want to scream at that boy, "Stop singing that shit and clean up!" I also had to stop watching because it was like looking at myself when I was 11. I mean, I would have added some moves to it, but still!
That being said, Chris Hansen, come get this boy!
This past May, Cruella de Stone said the earthquake in China was "karma" for what's going on in Tibet. Well, 1,000 Chinese victims and a Manhattan lawyer served her with legal papers announcing their plans to sue her ass for $1 billion. $1 billion!
Ming Hai, the laywer from NYC, wrote, "For the families who have lost their loved ones or lost limbs or suffered severe injuries, your . . . statement and act has caused extreme emotional distress."
Sharon later apologized for the dumbass comment and said she "could not be more regretful for that mistake."
Okay, if Cruella even had $1 billion, she would have already spent it on her own mink farm and fur factory. She also would have bought up as many endangered animals as she could for her own personal use.
Ming Hai has the right idea. I say, sue the bitch. I'm also going to sue Cruella for the atrocity called "The Muse." I actually paid to see that shit in the movie theaters!
Here's Chrissy Crocker's older sister in Beverly Hills yesterday.
Princess Chunk is the 44-pound pussy I wrote about yesterday who was found wandering the streets of Camden, NJ like a fat day-shift hooker looking for a drumstick. This fat pussy had me tossing and turning last night. I was afraid she was going to escape from where's staying, break into my apartment and eat my hidden stash of Almond Joys. Anyfatty, Princess Chunk has a dick.
He went on "Regis & Kelly" this morning and a vet bitch checked him out and discovered a penis underneath all that sexy blubber. That's like trying to find a needle in Wino's crackhive!
Princess Chunk's real owner has also come forward. Princess Chunk's real name is Powder and he used to belong to some memaw who abandoned his fat ass after her home foreclosed. He ate her out of house and home!! Seriously though, how do you just leave a pussy like that?!
Princess Chunk will continue his press tour by appearing on "Good Morning America" this Friday. He will also make an appearance sometime in August at a pet store in Cherry Hill, NJ for whores who are interested in adopting him.
If you're interested, you better bring a 12-piece chicken dinner with all the fixings and two desserts. Princess Chunk isn't easy to woo.
I'd adopt the bitch, but I don't think I'm ready for that big of a pussy. I need to start out with a small pussy and work my way up.
....And I love her for that. Yesterday in Los Angeles, SamRo and her woman were walking around doing lesbionic shit together. SamRo wore this filthy t-shirt featuring dicks in chains and dudes touching each other all rough-like. Yes, that's what I like to see.
Will one of you whores please tell me where to buy this shit! I can't wait to rock it with my gold sequined asshole cutters and lucite loafers. I'll wear it to an IHOP in New Jersey on a Sunday afternoon. I like watching freaked out parents cover their children's eyes in fear! They do that anyway when I walk by, but they would do it in record time if I wore this t-shirt.
Below are more pics of hot ass SamRo and her hotter t-shirt. Some of them might be a little NSFWish when you blow them up. But let's be real, if you can't look at dicks at work, then it's time to look for a new job. Looking at dicks all day long is important for your health and well-being. You can stay with me while you job search. If I don't look at a picture of a dick at least once every hour, my eyes stop working.
UPDATE: SamRo's hot ass t-shirt was made for the band The Virgins. Sadly, it's not sold online, but they sell them at their shows.
We're not gonna take it! Xtina channels Dee Snider for some fucked up photo shoot - Just Jared
RiRi, I see your nipples! - Hollywood Tuna
Ludacris called Hillary Clinton a bitch, Obama responds - Towleroad
Mena Suvari is going topless for a movie. Hopefully, she'll cover up those fugly tats - Hollywood Rag
Kim Kardashian's ass of many colors - Cityrag
Criss Angel performs his most dangerous lie ever (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather