Nick Hogan is the new Wonky McValtrex. This dumb bitch asked the court today to transfer him from solitary confinement to monitored home confinement until he turns 18 in July. Once he turns 18 he's willing to serve his sentence in minimum-security.
Nick isn't old enough for the jail's minimum-security area, so he's whining about how it's unfair for him to be put in a small cell for 16 to 17 hours a day. Seriously, can't they just put Bubba's dick in Nick's mouth to shut him up? There's a Bubba in every jail. Trust.
His lawyers said that Nick's “current confinement is neither fair nor acceptable and creates a mental and physical health risk to a seventeen year old.” Nick might be 17, but his hairline is 45.
Let's see, 17 hours of being by myself in a little room or 17 hours of having a train ran on me? I'd take the latter, but there's no way pansy Nick can handle it. He better stay in solitary if he knows what's good for his ass.
The Wino put on her crackie best to support Blaaaake in court today. Guess what? She was on time - WINO TIME! That means she was four hours late. Isn't she always?
Wino sat in the front row and kept smiling and winking at her Blaaake. She was communicating with him. Crackmorse code! Wino also asked the court skanks to give Blaaake a note she had written. It was probably the recipe for Jenkem. After 80 minutes, Wino had enough and she left court.
Outside, Wino was asked how her Blaaake looked, she answered, "As gorgeous as fuck. You seen him before?" Well, beauty is in the eye of the beer holder or in Wino's case, the pipe holder.
Blaaake's facing charges of assault and conspiracy to pervert the course of justice. The trial is expected to begin soon.
Here's more of Wino leaving her house for court this morning. Every time I see Wino's cuts, I think of Meth Scratched Face from Rock of Love.
TMZ reports that OK! Magazine and People are currently in a bidding war for the exclusive rights of the first pictures of Brangie's twin Messiahs. A source claims bidding has reached $15 million and could go even higher. All the money will go to charity. The charity being "The Hover Shoes For Maddox Foundation." Seriously, the boy hates walking.
OK! wouldn't comment, but People told TMZ, "We'd love to see the photos in PEOPLE. We wish the family well."
People reportedly paid $4 million for Shiloh's first pictures. In March, People set a record by buying pictures of JLo's Dragon Tales twinsies for around $5-6 million. Oh shit! You know JLo is getting turkey basted with Skellie jizz right now. She's not going to let Brangie top her bucket ass.
This baby picture game is getting ridiculous! Most newborns look exactly the same anyway. Just photograph two golden raisins with crowns on! Nobody would know the difference.
This is the second time in two weeks that Shauna Sand has been photographed without wearing her exquisite lucite heels. How is she able to stand without her lucite beauties? You would think her feet would reject anything that wasn't made out of the finest stripper crystal aka lucite.
Those black things on her feet are trash! They belong on commoners like Posh Spice or Kim Kardashian. Shauna only deserves the best.
Even worse, Shauna wore them to the Chanel store yesterday. Double betrayal! Did Shauna not get the memo that we're boycotting Chanel for what they did to Phoebe Price? I can forgive Shauna for her Chanel mishap as long she puts her exquisite lucite heels back on and never takes them off again!
Here's Shauna, Frenchie husband and her two daughters yesterday.
MiserAlba is smiling! Hell, we would all be smiling too if we were laying in the pool, pissing and farting as we pleased. Pregnant hos can piss and fart on themselves without judgment.
Speaking of pissing in the pool, when I was a little kid, my friend's pool had water jets in it. Pissing in the jets was one of the greatest things ever. Unfortunately, his dumb bitch of a mom found out that I was giving golden showers to the jets. She told me that they put this special liquid in the pool that would turn my piss bright red, so I shouldn't even think about doing it anymore. That shit scarred me for life!
To this day, I can't even piss in my own bath tub (don't judge) without thinking the water will turn red. Damn her! Okay, that pool story really happened last weekend.
Here's more of MiserAlba pissing in the pool.
Is Mercury in Your Anus or some shit? I'm not into that astrology mess, but you know what I mean! May has not been a good month for our beloved greats.
Kelsey Grammar had a heart attack! Thankfully, he's fine. Star Magazine has confirmed that Kelsey had a minor heart attack on the beach in Kona, Hawaii on Saturday.
No, Camille wasn't riding his pony when it happened. Kelsey was out swimming in the ocean. A source said, "Kelsey's heart stopped for a few seconds, that's for sure." Don't ask me how the source knows this. They probably have bionic hands. He was quickly sent to a local hospital and then airlifted to a hospital in Honolulu. His rep said that he's going home tomorrow.
You know that when Camille got the call, she's like, "Um...I'll be right there. I just have to call the lawyers...I mean...the kids." Sarah Larson needs to take a cold hard stare at Camille Grammar. That could've been her!
Prince and Radiohead need to hug it out - IDLYITW
Brit Brit isn't designing furniture anytime soon. Shit! I really wanted a built-in cheeto bag holder in my next couch - Popsugar
The prettiest princess at the MTV Movie Awards and I'm not talking about Vanessa - Just Jared
Mimizilla continues her attack on Japan - A Socialite's Life
Shia LaDouche went to AA as a child. Who didn't? - Hollywood Rag
The Russian army kick it old school - Cityrag
Kendra Wilkinson's got panties on her head (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather
Clint Eastwood hates botox - Lainey Gossip
Kurt Cobain's ashes have been stolen! Well, that's what The News of the World claims anyway. Take it with a grain of ash. Courtney Love keeps his ashes in a pink teddy bear bag along with a lock of his hair. Court found that shit was gone a couple of weeks ago and now she's freaking out. Freaking out more than usual I should say.
She said, "I can't believe anyone would take Kurt's ashes from me. I find it disgusting and right now I'm suicidal. If I don't get them back I don't know what I'll do."
Round up the obvious suspects - Courtney's nose, Courtney's veins, all pink teddy bear kidnappers in the area and Keith Richards.
I'm pretty sure that I'm the only living thing on this planet that actually likes Robot Call Girl. And now I love her just a little bit more. Last night on "Denise Richards: I'm Constipated," Denise cursed out some reporter. She didn't use your normal everyday curse word either, she called her a cunt. She said it several times. Much thanks to the hot bitch that programmed that word into Denise's main vocabulary.
The word cunt isn't used enough. It needs more love! How would you feel if you were the word cunt? Nobody uses you! They use bitch, whore, slut, skank, but never cunt! So the next time you need to call someone a "bitch," use cunt instead. You'll probably get shot or stabbed for it, but at least you tried something new!
What the fuck is with all these deaths lately? Yves Saint Laurent, Harvey Kormon, Pringles can man, Dick Martin, Oscar the dog, Sydney Pollack and now Bo Diddley! This needs to stop.
Bo, one of the fathers of rock 'n' roll, died today at the age of 79. His rep told AP that he passed away from heart failure at his home in Archer, FL. Bo suffered a major heart attack last August and a stroke three months before that.
R.I.P. Bo Diddley