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The image of Michael Lohan blowing his lumpy man chowder into a plastic cup is not what I needed today. Barf. You know that shit is like Campbell's chunky New England clam chowder. Double barf.

Anygross, Michael told E! News that he gave a DNA sample this morning for a paternity test. I know that it was probably done by blood or another way, but you know Michael insisted he drop his junk in a plastic cup.

Last week, Michael told the press that he had a secret daughter. He claims he effed some hobag named Kristi while he was separated from White Oprah. Years later, Kristi told Michael she had his daughter, Ashley, now age 13. Michael is now changing his tune, because he thinks something in the milk ain't clean. Why did I just say that? That made me think of Michael's chunky chowder jizz again.

Michael said, "We were together in July of '94. I think it was just before The Parent Trap came out because that's when Dina and I were separated. [Kristi] left me and went to Houston, Texas, and she met a guy she lived with there for a year." Um...The Parent Trap came out in 1998. Somebody enroll this dumb bitch in a class at Sylvan Learning Center.

Michael went on to say that Ashley was born in June 1995, so he doesn't think the timing adds up, "She had me so convinced. She had me snowballed." Snowballed?! I bet she did and I bet Michael loves eating his own chowder....OK! I'll stop. I've gone too far. No more talk about Michael's chunky chowder!

He will have the results in 10-12 weeks and said he's willing to step up if he is in fact Ashley's daddy. By "step up" he means he'll whore poor Ashley out to Hollywood, so that she can make some easy cash for him.

And Maury must be truly depressed that he didn't get to handle this shit.

Becks is seriously too hot to have a voice that sounds like Gay Al screeching while getting his mini-donut tickled. You know the joke that if you kick a dude in his nuts, his voice gets like Minnie Mouse on helium? Do you think the opposite will happen to Becks? If we keep kicking his nuts, will he sound like Bea Arthur with a chest cold? Sexy.

Above is Becks grabbing his wang bone during some sort of sports event yesterday. He plays soccer or something, right? It doesn't matter. Bitch is always grabbing at that shit. You know Tommy Girl puts on a black leather catsuit, breaks into the locker room and puts itching powder in Becks shorts just so he can sit back and watch him scratch it.

I must have been naive in thinking that I would never hear the name "Kristy Likes Cocks" ever again. It's true that sometimes she haunts my nightmares, but I usually just wake up in a greasy sweat and take a Simply Sleep. Unfortunately, all the Simply Sleep pills in the world cannot erase this truly tragic news. American's Idol's resident redneck hobag got herself a record deal!!! This cuntry ass hobag belongs in a broke down trailer, nursing her pet possums, while watching WWE Smackdown on the 13" TV she bought on lay-away. She does not belong in a recording studio.

Cocks' first single, "15 Minutes of Shame," will be released this August. Her single title describes what she had to do to get that damn record deal! I'm surprised she didn't name her first single, "American Christians Rule!"

Her album is supposed to come out in the fall. Does that mean in this pork rind skank is going to be everywhere this fall? If that's the case, I'm totally moving to Tibet to become a monk.

Sources: FoxNews

Thanks Michael

Nicole Kidman is due to pop out her pillow baby sometime soon and she's created the perfect soundtrack for when she goes into labor. Only Nicky Kidman would do this kind of shit. A source said, "Nicole has been putting together CDs of music to listen to during labor. She has always loved James Galway, particularly his classical albums. Whenever you go to her house, she has Galway on. There is one Prokofiev sonata that is her favorite."

Broing ass James Galway? That botox baby is never coming out, because it will be knocked the fuck out! James Galway could put a tweeker to sleep. And why do people always want to put soothing music on when you're going through some fucked up shit? When I had some painful ass dental work done, the dentist put on some easy listening. Like that shit is going to help. I'm sorry, but I don't need Sade cooing in my ear while a fucking drill is going into my toof.

Source

First of all, this is a spoiler for last night's HGTV's Design Star. I'm not sure who might be spoiled since I'm the only dumb bitch who watches this low-rent poopie.

Last night, busted-gay-faced Michael was sent packing and the news had him crying for mommy. Seriously, he burst into tears and said "I want my mom right now." WTF?! Somebody give this homo a glazed donut and a butt plug! He's crying like he just got a 10-man train ran on him. Save your nelly tears for a hot shower, Michael! Michael is obviously too presh for the cuthroat world of home decorating reality TV.

And somebody please tell Tracee's hair to go back to 1987!

Thanks to the good hos at Best Week Ever for posting this mess.

Sienna Miller's got a lightning fast vagina. It wastes no time in finding another peen to keep it warm. It seemed like it was only minutes ago that Sienna dumped that Rhys Ifans dude and she's already linked to another dude. And that other dude is married! Hey, a dick is a dick to Sienna. Even if the dick has a wedding ring, she doesn't care. Actually, she might like that even more.

Sienna has reportedly been doing sexy times with Balthazar Getty. He's married with 4 kids, the youngest born last October. Sienna and Balthazar met through his "Brothers and Sisters" co-star Matthew Rhys. Balthazar is also an heir to the Getty Oil fortune.

A source told The News of the World that they are trying to keep their affair quiet, because...well....you know. The source said, "They daren't go out together, so they spend most of their time inside. When they do leave, they go separately."

Balthazar's wifey apparently left their home in Los Angeles, taking their kids with her, after she heard about his affair with Sienna.

About a month ago, a reader wrote me and said she had dinner next to Sienna and Balthazar in Prague. She said they were "making out" and talked about "how they were so into each other." She sent me a few shots of them saying goodbye. The dog is obviously ashamed for Sienna. That poor bitch doesn't want to be associated with homewrecking trash like Sienna!

And Balthazar is a major dumb fuck for messing with his money like that. Hopefully, his wifey takes everything, even that stupid ass hat, and leaves him broke. It upsets me when people screw with money like that. Money first, orgasms second.

A bunch of whores in Madrid put on a fashion show on the streets to show shop owners and the public that they aren't a threat to the community. Friendly whores! And when I say "whores," I mean actual whores. You know, bitches who get paid to suck dick and shit.

One of the hookas said, "This is so that we can be seen, to show we can do many things apart from what we already do." Um...how is strutting the streets with their bruised-up chocha lips hanging out any different than what they already do?

Being a prosty is illegal in Spain, but it is tolereated by most locals. Developers are also planning to come in and build on some of the places the hookers do their business. I'm still not sure how a ho show solves their problems? These hookers should handle it the old-fashioned way, hot knife fight!

These ravishing beauties should seriously give up selling their a-holes for cash and move to Paris to become high-class couture models. I mean, the bitch in the video above has eyebrows that were made for high-fashion. Cholita eyebrows like that deserves to be seen on the cover of every fucking magazine. She needs to retire her pussay and put her eyebrows to work!

VIA Guanabee

The incredibly true adventure of two cokey gayelles in love - Popsugar

Holly Madison, why you so classy? - Hollywood Tuna

Orlando Bloom's ho is topless in the middle of winter - Egotastic!

Princess RiRi wearing something from OshKosh B'Gosh - Lainey Gossip

Twatty Pratt made $50k off of MK Trollsen - Just Jared

MY EYES! A Cheryl Burke upskirt (NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Scientology isn't helping Hancock - IDLYITW

More of airbrushed Becks for Emporio Armani's panty campaign - Towleroad

Aubrey O'Day is all washed up out - Hollywood Rag

Brit Brit really loves her filthy ass UGGs - Cityrag

It looks like Brit Brit's kitty grew a furry coat. Not only did her kitty get some hair, but so did kitty's next door neighbor: NALGAS. Brit Brit went out to dinner the other night and gave the paps a hairy surprise. At least she's wearing panties, but you can still see her hairy ass. Didn't you know? Redbull gives you wings and Cheetos give you fur!

Click here to see a NSFL picture of Brit Brit's Sasquatch. Imagine all the dingleberries stuck up in there? Actually, don't imagine that.

Heidi Montag, the plastic pony from "The Hills," told UsWeekly that she's planning to record a Christian album. The "non-denominational Baptist" said, "I have been the most religious person since I was 2 years old. I always felt this crazy connection to God."

It gets better. Heidi said that she once planned to devote her life to missionary work in Africa. She will travel there this August to "feed children and help build things." In other news, Africa has just announced they are closing all their borders effective immediately.

And it gets EVEN better, Heidi compared herself to Jesus when talking about spreading the rumors about Lauren Conrad's sex tape, "God knows the truth in all of this, and at the end of the day, that is the only thing that matters. Jesus was persecuted, and I'm going to get persecuted, ya know?"

Somewhere in Hollywood, Christopher Guest has to be sitting in a little room feeding these lines to Heidi Montag through an earpiece. There's no way this vapid skank is coming up with this kind of pure comedy on her own.

And Jesus is not amused.