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Suri and those two creepy aliens were in NYC today. I should stalk their asses and throw water on Katie to see if she malfunctions.

Did Suri get into Tommy Girl's Miss Clairol stash, because homegirl's hair looks lighter. I know it's the thing in Hollywood to go lighter, but the girl is 2. She should at least wait until she's 3! What's next? A titty job?

I'm sure it's natural. Suri keeps it real. Seriously, she probably just walked in on Tommy Girl doing Xenu knows what and her hair went light from the shock of it all.

And someone should really check Suri into Promises for her barley water addiction. It's getting a little out of hand. We're going to find her roaming the farms and fields jonesing for a barley fix.

For some reason I watched the Kentucky Derby today and watched as Filly Eight Belles finished second behind Big Brown. Eight Belles collapsed moments later with two broken front ankles. An ambulance reached the track and euthanized her on the spot.

The on-call vet told the AP, "There was no possible way to save her. She broke both front ankles. That's a bad injury." Sadness.

R.I.P. Eight Belles

Don't laugh. This is what Lindsay Lohan is going to look like in 2 years.

It's Carrot Bottom with some poor girl at CatHouse in Las Vegas last night. I'm sure she was disappointed when she discovered Carrot Bottom's baby carrot. With that being said, I'd hit it. Well, I like the ginges!

I've watched at least 200 hours of "Cops" and I laugh every time a crackhead gets caught with some junk and says, "Oh, that shit ain't mine." They always say that shit. So it doesn't surprise me to hear that Gary Dourdan claims the drugs he got caught with didn't belong to him.

Gary was arrested for drug possession earlier this week in Palm Springs after cops found him asleep in his car. His car was parked on the wrong side of the road. They searched his car and found cocaine, heroin, ecstasy and some prescription dolls. Oh my!

Gary told Access Hollywood that he was coming back from the Coachella musical festival and he was a little drunk, so he pulled over to sleep. He went on to say, "I am blessed that the Sgt. realized that the luggage carrying whatever they found was not mine and that my tests have been coming back negative. I've been happy to cooperate in any way to clear myself and go on with my blessed life."

He apologized to his young fans and said, "I am planning events to get the word out that you don’t need a bunch of nasty chemicals to have a good time. Just good friends, family, good music and a good honest spirit full of faith."

You don't need nasty chemicals to have a good time? Since when?!

And of course those bad drugs didn't belong to Gary! The evil crack elf has struck again! I'm talking about the Olsens of course. That's why they disappear for days at a time. They are busy planting evil drugs on the innocent.

VIA UsWeekly

Brangie and Zahara went on a helicopter ride today in France to go look at houses or something. They are reportedly staying in France until Angie's chosen twinsies pop out. I hope she names them Paris and France or Pepe and LePew or Baguette and Crepes. Any of those will do.

Maddox couldn't make it, because he was too busy putting laxatives in Zahara's milk. He's pissed that she's the one getting carried around everywhere now. Remember the days when his feetsies were too good to step on common ground? Actually, they still are. Angie should get him one of those segways.

Here's more pics of the chosen family in France.

Today just seemed like the picture day for some Corey Haim with a mullet pictures. Corey will tell you this look is for a movie, but don't believe him. He definitely looks like this on a daily basis. He loves it. The hookers at the truck stop bar off route 5 won't stay off him.

Corey's mullet is for a movie called Crank 2 also starring Jason Statham, Amy Smart and Bai Ling. This shit looks like it's going straight into a Blockbuster discount bin.

When James Brown passed away, his woman was locked out of his mansion and left crying at the gates! Remember that hot bitch? Well, Tomi Rae Hynie has had the last laugh! Wait, I can't help but not giggle like a teen girl after her first bong hit whenever I hear the word "Hynie." It's like hiney. I'm not drunk, I swear.

An attorney has confirmed that James Brown is indeed the father of her 6-year-old son, James Brown II. Peter Shahid, little James' attorney, told the AP that the boy was tested in April.

A judge in South Carolina ordered the DNA test after the trustees of James' estate suggested Tomi wasn't legally married to James and that her son isn't his. Tomi and little James Brown were not mentioned in his will.

The results of the court-ordered test have not been released.

Quick! The Insider needs to run over to Hynie's shanty house and get her comment STAT! The woman knows how to give an interview. Need I remind you:

And here are some pics of Hynie with little James at the Grammys this past February.

Kids will play with and on anything. When I was little I played with Big Gulp cups and dog caca. No joke. I didn't know any better. I was slow. Yes, I'm still slow. Anyway, Dark Roasted Blend posted some pictures of nightmare playgrounds from the former USSR. Kids played on everything from a dead rat to a horse hung man. Playing on a dead rat is fun!

Many of the statues and contraptions still exist in Russia and the Ukraine. Below are just some pictures of more creepy shit like an evil nurse, an impaled Baba Yaga, a stuffed animal nailed to a tree and decapitated monkey heads. Click here to see tons more.

This shit looks like it came directly from the brain of Chloe Lattanzi. We need more of this kind of crap here.

Somebody give Kanye West a twinkie, because he needs to calm down. Kanye's chonies are in a bunch over Entertainment Weekly's review of his "Glow in the Dark" tour. They gave him a B+. This is not good enough for him and he's taken to his blog to bitch and moan about it.

Entertainment Weekly's Not Invited!

Yo, anybody that's not a fan; don't come to my show. For what?! To try and throw ya'll two cents in? Ya'll rated my album shitty and now ya'll come to the show and give it a B+. What's a B+ mean? I'm an extremist. It's either pass or fail! A+ or F-! You know what, fuck you and the whole fucking staff!!! I know I shouldn't dignify this with a comment, but the reviewer threw a jab at all the artists. I just wanna know when was the last time you enjoyed yourself. If you can't have fun and lose yourself at this tour it's a good chance you're a very miserable person. I actually feel sorry for you guys. Your job forces you to not have fun anymore. Grab a drink, holla at some nice girls, and party bitch!! You don't know shit about passion and art. You'll never gain credibility at this rate. You're fucking trash! I make art. You can't rate this. I'm a real person. I'm not a pop star. I don't care about anything but making great art. Never come 2 one of my shows ever again, you're not invited and if you see me...BOW!! This is not pop, it's pop art!

Kanye should take his own advice. He needs a drink, a Rice Crispy treat, a hug and a couple of bong hits. Where I come from a B+ will get your ass $10 and a pizza party. I mean, it's a review from fucking Entertainment Weekly not Jesus! Although, I heard Jesus gave the show an A-. Don't tell Kanye!

Below is a scan of EW's review that set Kanye OFF. Pop off!

YouTube superstar and owner of the craziest eyes in the world, Tricia Walsh Smith, has put her wedding dress up on eBay for charity. Tricia has donated her custom made Yumi Katsura wedding gown to the Wounded Warrior Project. Tricia wore the dress when she married Philip Smith. The dress is a size 10, but it has been altered to a size 6. Sure. That's what all the crazies say.

The dress also comes from a smoke and pet free home. But not a crazy free home.

As you may have heard, Tricia was kicked out of her Park Avenue apartment this past weekend by her hubby. She has promised to make more YouTube rants, but from a different location.

Tricia is a crazy bitch without a home! Why the hell is she donating the proceeds to charity! She needs that money to buy a motor home or a teepee or whatever.

Furthermore, who the hell would buy that dress? It's cursed! Wearing that dress will immediately make your eyes bulge out and you will stop blinking. It will also lead to you "slagging off" your husband on YouTube and harassing his co-workers about how he doesn't fuck you. Nothing good can come out of wearing that frock.

Get your shit at David's Bridal instead.

Thanks Mercedes