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"Living Lohan" and "Denise Richards: I'm Constipated" premiered last night and two words perfectly sum up both shows: DOG SHIT! Seriously, why are dogs on reality shows always shitting on the carpet? Always! I notice these things.

The Osbournes' dogs shit on the rugs. Anna Nicole's Sugarpie shit on the rugs. Jessica Simpson's Daisy shit on the rugs. My dog is the dumbest (but hottest) bitch on the planet and even he doesn't go caca times on the rugs.

Denise Richards' show took it to the next level last night. Her pet pig shit on the floor and then one of her dog's ate it (below). The dog learned how to do that from his days with Charlie Sheen.

Don't ask me what else happened on Denise and White Oprah's shows, because the animal shit is all I remembered. That should tell you something.

This has been another quality post brought to you by Michael K! I can't help it. This shit bothers me!

54-year-old Eija-Riitta Berliner-Mauer of Sweden claims to have been married to the Berlin Wall for 29 years. Her surname translates into English as Berlin Wall. Clever. NOT.

Eija said she's been diagnosed with a condition called Objectum-Sexuality. Basically, she likes to do sexay times with inanimate objects. She has never had sex with a human. She should try fucking any of the dudes on "The Bachelor." They are as wooden as they come.

She first fell in love with the wall when she was just 7-years-old. She visited it 5 times before marrying it in 1979 in front of a few guests.

She said, "I find long, slim things with horizontal lines very sexy. The Great Wall of China's attractive, but he’s too thick – my husband is sexier." I hope she covers her chocha in metal when she gets freaky with her man. I hear his dick is solid as a rock! No mortal vagina can handle it.

When the wall was torn down in 1989, Eija's heart broke. She said, “What they did was awful. They mutilated my husband." She still keeps models of her husband when he was in his prime.

This woman needs to meet the dude that has fucked 1,000 cars. They have a lot to talk about.

Visit her website to learn more

Source

Thanks Kayla

Brandy's little brother, Ray J, was kicked out of a Hyatt in DC on Saturday morning, because hotel security found weed and a club drug called "Boat" in his room. I had to google this boat shit, because I always like to try new and creative ways to speak to the heavens. Boat is apparently the street name for PCP. There's also something called "Love Boat" which is a joint dipped in formaldehyde. Oh well. It sounded promising, but I can't fuck with that chemical shit. You know Ray J got it from Whitney.

TMZ reports that security only came to Ray J's room, because they got a complaint about the noise. He tried to bribe security, but they weren't into it. He left the hotel and checked into a Holiday Inn down the street. The Super 8 probably wouldn't take his ass.

Ray J's rep told TMZ, "The altercation did not directly affect Ray J -- it was people in his entourage. But he did the gentlemanly thing and left the hotel anyway."

Tip #347 in the Z-lister's handbook: Always blame the entourage!

Kiki Dunst checked into rehab earlier this year and everybody thought it had something to do with her boozing ways. I mean, the girl likes to drink. Kiki told E!'s Marc Malkin that she went to rehab because she was really, really sad.

She said, “I went there for depression. It was a good six months before I decided to go away. I was struggling, and I had the opportunity to go somewhere and take care of myself. I was fortunate to have the resources to do it. My friends and family thought it was a good idea, too. But I didn't know where to go. My doctor recommended Cirque Lodge.”

Cirque Lodge is mainly a rehab joint for crackheads and boozers.

Everyone I know goes to the bar when they're depressed. And if you're depressed enough, you're always at the bar, which means you're always drunk, which means you'll eventually need rehab. See how that works?

Kiki went on to say, “Depression is pretty serious and should not be gossiped about.” Bossy! She had me actually feeling sowwy for her mushy ass until she made that comment. I was this close to sending her cream-filled gingersnaps. Thanks for snapping me back into reality, Kiki.

She also denied the rumors that she's dating Ryan Gosling. That's not something you should ever deny. Bitch if hot. Even if you aren't dating him. Just lie and say you are.

Over the weekend it was reported that Brangie had spent some of their hard-earned cash on a $60-$70 million mega estate in the South of France. They didn't buy the joint. They are only renting it. Broke fucks! They probably got their furniture from Rent-A-Center. Brangie should put those kids to work for some extra cash and maybe they can buy the place.

People reports that they signed a 3-year lease on the property. The 880-acre estate features 35-bedrooms and a bunch of other shit they don't need. I feel sorry for the damn super! Poor bitch is going to be fixing toilets and sinks day and night.

The place is almost big enough for all their kids. Almost. Some of them will still have to share rooms. Below is a picture in case you forgot what it looked like.

Eva Longwhoria Porker was back in Corpus Christi, TX today to serve Frosties at a Wendy's she used to work in when she was a teenager. What a way to fug up a delicious Frosty!

Eva served that shit for 1 hour today to kick off the Father’s Day Frosty Weekend, an event to generate funds for the Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption. Wendy's will donate 50 cents from every Frosty sold.

Seriously, what is up with these annoying fugs thinking they have the right to serve delicious frozen treats. Tori Spelling served ice cream last week and Eva's serving Frosties this week. What's next? Sarah Jessica Parker handing out Fudgie the Whale cakes at Carvel?

Katie Holmes is in NYC preparing for her Broadway debut in "All My Sons." Tommy Girl did not come! Who's going to grab on to her and yank her into the car? Who's going to reprogram her when she tries to run away? And who's going to tell Tommy Girl that he's the "greatest power bottom in the universe" every night before bedtime? You know he's programmed Katie to say that.

A year ago, I would've told Katie to catch the next Chinatown bus out of that bitch and escape TG forever, but the girl is too far gone now. Katie's transformation into Tommy Girls' robot beard of his dreams is complete!

These two people are Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie impersonators. Yes, they actually make a living out of pretending to be Brangelina even though they look nothing, I mean nothing, like them. They look like your two co-workers dressing as Brangelina for the office Halloween party. What a fuck effort! The Angelina impersonator ain't got shit on Tiffany Claus. They aren't fooling anybody. Well, they could probably fool Shiloh, because she doesn't see her parents that often.

The broke ass Brangie attended the 17th Annual Reel Awards last night in Las Vegas. It's like the Oscars for impersonators.

Feast your eyes on more fake asses below. Some of them have their shit together (Chevy Chase) and others just need to quit the game already.

TEETH! Vintage Miley Cyrus pictures - Just Jared

Celine Dion uses a lot of water - IDLYITW

Jared Leto is not dating Jessica Simpson - Popsugar

Scary Spice's hot bikini ass (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

A Pamela Anderson upskirt. Don't worry, she's wearing panties - Hollywood Tuna

Ruthie from 7th Heaven is a MySpace slut - Egotastic!

Jason Lewis' ex-girlfriend was a smelly bitch - A Socialite's Life

Australian Olympic diver comes out - Towleroad

WTH is Milla Jovovich wearing? - Hollywood Rag

Celebrity Photoshop disasters - Cityrag