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Thank Jeebus for Fantasia! This mess of a bitch added some much needed Lawry's season salt to tonight's bland American Idol. Mmmm...Lawry's season salt.

This bitch was like if Ronald McDonald's crackhead sister got a shot of the devil in her and was stuffed into a velvet jumpsuit and thrown on stage to perform. Fanny wasn't even singing. It was more like manic chicken clucking!

View Fantasia's greatness below. This is how a real American Mess Idol does it!

The look on Simon's face during her performance pretty much sums it up.

Aww....it looks like they are praying. Well, except for Fetus Archeluta. He looks like he's staring at a juicy banana. He sort of looks like a lil' monkey. So....find out which one of these whores went home after the jump. JUMP!!!!

International supermodel, actress and celebrity, Phoebe Price, was on "The Insider" tonight to fight back against The National Enquirer for those cellulite pictures they published of her on their cover. PP, wants her fans (aka me and all my personalities) to know that she doesn't really look like that! She thinks they were doctored! PP and Mischa Barton should start their own organization together, "International Supermodels Against Fake Cellulite."

PP even posed for The Insider in the same bikini to show her "fans" and the world she doesn't have a cellulite problem. Chicken Cutlets also promised to wear a thong next time. There goes your lunch! You really didn't need it.

Wait...I just realized that PP was on National television! Today should be an International holiday! Chicken cutlets for everyone!

I leave you with these stunning pictures of PP posing with her passport and some other crap at LAX yesterday. She's good at that. She should become a professional passport hand model. Notice the peons in the back! They are stunned by her glamour and beauty or maybe they are just trying to figure out who the hell she is.

Dolly Parton, the woman who wouldn't hurt a twat crab, is pissed off at Howard Stern for a segment he did on Dolly's fake audio book. Howard has done this sort of thing before. The show manipulated her words, so it sounded like some raunchy shit was coming from her mouth. For instance, he made Dolly say, "Kenny Rogers smells like boy cum." I giggled at that. I'm immature, I know. Duh.

Dolly issued this statement, "I have never been so shocked, hurt and humiliated in all my life. I cannot believe what Howard Stern has done to me. In a blue million years, I would never have such vulgar things come out of my mouth. They have done editing or some sort of trickery to make this horrible, horrible thing. Please accept my apology for them and certainly know I had nothing to do with this. If there was ever going to be a lawsuit, it's going to be over this. Just wanted you to know that I am completely devastated by this."

I adore Dolly the same way I adore my pair of pulsating nipple clamps, but any snatch with at least two brain cells can tell it's not her saying that shit. My 7-year-old cousin could do a better job with a busted Casio recorder.

That being said, Howard should apologize and then gracefully cancel his show. Well, if you hurt Dolly's feelings, you have to pay the price. It's in the Bible. Look it up.

Below is the clip in question from Howie's show:

Bitch looks like a tranny dressing as Elle Woods from Legally Blonde. I really think Maybelline created this woman. She's made of pure foundation, powder and rouge.

Xtina also needs to go in and have her implants rotated. It's time for a tune-up.

Here's Xtina taking her chichis for a walk in NYC today.

I'm not even going to try and imagine what that finger smells like. The sweet and sour scent of heroin smegma...... Moving on...

The Wino is a free crackie! Wino will not face charges over a video that showed her smoking crack. Last week, Wino was questioned by police about the video and later released on bail.

Wino's spokesbitch said, "She was questioned by police last week and released on unconditional bail. They have now concluded their inquiries and no charges will be brought. Amy’s bail date to return to Limehouse police station has been cancelled, bringing this matter to an end. Amy is pleased to be able to move on and concentrate on music and particularly looks forward to seeing her fans again at eagerly awaited festival performances this summer."

I'm so happy to hear this little "misunderstanding" was cleared up. Now Wino can focus on drugging...I mean...making music. Seriously, she must have paid the cops off with a few bags of top shelf shit. The bitch probably has drugs we've never even heard of. She's a crack connoisseur!

Here's some pictures of Wino talking to fans outside her house. They just knocked on the door and she answered. Crackies are so trusting. After she signed autographs, she asked, "Do have a cigarette?" Crackheads are always asking for ciggies! Always! Even if they have a full pack in their pocket, they will ask you for one. Greeeedy.

A New Orleans Hornets fan held up a huge cardboard cutout of Eva LongWHORIA during Tony Parker's two free throws last night. He missed both throws and security immediately took away the cutout. They punished the Hornets fan by making him watch Eva's movie "Over Her Dead Body" over and over again. That's worse than Chinese water torture.

I would have thrown the ball AT the Eva LongWHORIA cutout. That shit is scary.

Tony's team, the Spurs, lost against the Hornets. Blame Eva.

It looks like baby Max is the only one sleeping in the Bat household. Xtina looks spent. Either that or her 80lbs of make-up is putting pressure on her face. She's probably one of those crazy chicks that goes to bed with a full face on. Max's face is totally covered in Xtina goo which is like a mixture of stage make-up, spackle and spider legs.

And is it just me or do her legs look like they are about to buckle? It's the heavy make-up again! Even her legs can't support that shit.

Here's Xtina and Bat Boy arriving at their NYC hotel last night.