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The crack Gods have answered my prayers! Dreamboat Doherty will be released from the chokey on Tuesday! Crack Tuesday!

Crackheads and dealers everywhere are rejoicing! Dreamboat was sentenced to 14-weeks in prison, but he will be set free after just 29 days even though he smoked heroin while in there. Well, he's Dreamboat Doherty! The rules don't apply to him.

The Sun reports that Dreamboat is already planning a massive party. That just means he's going to get really fucked up. A source said, “He’s planning to go straight to play a gig — and then get smashed. He wants no business appointments for three days — so he can really go for it.”

Dreamboat was originally sentenced to 14-weeks for not taking drug tests during his suspended sentence for heroin possession. His sentenced was halved and 18 days were deducted due to overcrowding. He was also given 2 days off because of time in police custody.

I'm going to make an advent calendar using rolling papers and cardboard from a homeless crackhead's house. Each day, I will rip off a paper and smoke it up in his honor! Hooray!

Earlier, it was reported that Mimi had went and did a dumb thing by marrying Nick Cannon. Sources have confirmed to The New York Post that she is indeed married. Mimi's rep still hasn't confirmed. This is like Beyonce's wedding all over again.

A source close to Mimi said she married without a pre-nup, because "there wasn't time." The bitch can kiss her 3,000 square foot closet goodbye, because this marriage is not going to last. Another source said they have only been dating for one month. "They have been smitten with each other for days, weeks. And she's always had a crush on him."

When you have a crush on someone, you fuck them! You don't marry them. Shit, you don't even kiss them. That's too complicated. You get on, get off and get out!

The wedding was supposedly held at Mimi's home in the Bahamas yesterday.

She better have worn the dress above or else! Seriously, Mimi must be majorly dickmatized.

Last year, it was rumored that HoHan would guest star on "Ugly Betty." Shit fell through and the deal never happened. TV Guide claims talks are back on to bring HoHan in for the season finale on May 22nd. Producers don't want her raggedy ass for just one episode. They want her for eight episodes.

When talks originally started last year, HoHan was going to play a fast food worker that befriends Betty. It's not known who she's going to play this time around. How about a crack whore that befriends Betty? That would make more sense.

Ugly Betty needs to stop with the stunt casting! Posh, Naomi, Nina Garcia, HoHan? Who's next? Morgan Fairchild. Actually, that would be really hot.

HoHan has gone from major movie actress to TV guest star. Next year, she'll be begging to be featured on White Oprah's reality show.

Here's some pictures of HoHan out last night. Yeah, it's practically the same picture over and over again. Bitch at her! She's the one not giving different expressions for each flash.

This is the hottest thing I've seen all day this hour! Shauna Sand is hawking outdoor stereo rocks on eBay! The auction features ultra elegant pictures of Shauna posing in a bikini with a bunch of speaker rocks. Not only do you win 6 amazing outdoor speaker rocks, but they will all be autographed by Shauna Sand herself!

The original price of the rocks was $2700. WHAT?! She'll spend $2700 on rocks, but she'll only spend $15 on shoes?! I love her even more. Speaker rocks are definitely more important than footwear.

I'll bid until my fingers fall off if she throws in a worn pair of her exquisite lucite heels.

Click here to see the auction and more pictures. Shauna Sand + Speaker Rocks = GLAMOUR

Barbara Walters had an affair with a married Senator in the 70s. That common skank! Barbara opened up to Oprah in an episode that airs this Tuesday about her relationship with Senator Edward Brooke, the first black person to be elected to the Senate by popular vote.

Babs said the affair went on for several years. She said they both knew that it would ruin their careers if the public found out. Babs said she didn't know if she was in love with him at the time, but she knows she was "infatuated" with him. She went on to tell O, "He was exciting. He was brilliant. It was exciting times in Washington."

The affair ended in 1978. Edward Brooke later divorced his wife, but never remarried. The Associated Press tried to contact him for comment, but their calls were not returned.

Wouldn't that have been sooo hot if Babs told Oprah, "Oprah, we had a secret love child too. A daughter. We named her Opra-" Oh wait, this was the 70s? Oprah's too old then. FUCK! There goes my scandal.

Babs is a slut and I've always known it! You know, I need proof of this or it didn't happen. Show us a sex tape, Babs! Oh shit. What did I just say?

Today was the first part of Gary Coleman's appearance on Divorce Court. Gary and his wife, Shannon Price (no relation to Phoebe), came to Judge Toler to discuss all the issues in their 7-month marriage.

In the above clip, 22-year-old Shannon tells a story about a fight she had with Gary over a conversation they had with a stranger. The stranger claimed to know the exact date the world was ending. Shannon disagreed with the man and she was upset with Gary for not supporting her. WTF! Shannon's story basically sums up their relationship. Tweeeeeeeekers. Meth much? Stranger my ass! Dealer is more like it.

Here are some of the other things they discussed:

Gary doesn't want children - He said, "I didn't like children when I was one."
Gary and Shannon are up all night and they sleep all day
Gary has anger issues and if he doesn't get his way he throws tantrums like a 5-year-old
Gary leaves the house at 3am and doesn't come home
Gary doesn't want any friends

The saddest part came when Gary said, "I have low-self esteem. I don't feel successful in life. I want the world for her and I get very frustrated that I can't bring it to her. I don't feel financially secure and a lot of time I feel like I'm wasting her time." He was on Diff'rent Strokes! You're not a failure if you were on Diff'rent Strokes!

Tomorrow, Judge Toler will tackle their issues about sex. Can't wait......

Last night, I was enjoying my evening with a delicious Hostess Sno-Ball (I eat a lot of those) and a little Letterman when Heidi Montag popped up on my screen looking like a banged up homecoming queen. No, she wasn't on to take part Stupid Pet Tricks either. She was on to promote...well...fuck! I really don't know why she was on.

Heidi talked about that stupid sex tape thing and how their show isn't fake. What I really wanted her to talk about was why she's such a dumb bitch. Honestly, this sex tape shit is so stupid. It's a fake sex tape starring fake people that was not made to promote a fake reality show. I'm confusing myself. Heidi and Spencer's douche faces do that to me sometimes.

I guess this is why Letterman is paid the big bucks. He's forced to deal with plastic twats like this. At least he knew her name. I was expecting him to call her Paris Jameson Reid. All those hos are the same.

Click here to see all the clips of Chrissy Crocker Heidi on Letterman. Only watch them if you need to punish yourself for something you did earlier.

I would do all of them except for Jordan. He looks like he would rather share milk and cookies while watching "Fire with Fire" over and over again.

This is the single cover for Summertime which comes out on May 13th. How many fucking songs about Summer do we need?

Source: ONTD

And the changes begin! EW is reporting that Project Runway will move to Los Angeles for its sixth season which will debut on Lifetime in November. The show's fifth season was shot in NYC and will start in July on Bravo.

A Lifetime spokeswhore denies the change, but EW claims they have two well-placed sources.

What the hell is next? Tim Gunn replaced by Carson Kressley? Blech. Elle Magazine replaced by Redbook Magazine? Heidi Klum replaced by Heidi Montag? Seriously, it's possible.

I better not give Lifetime any ideas.

21-year-old Charles Fuller waltzed into a bank in Forth Worth, TX last week with a smile on his face and a check in his hand. Charlie (I feel like I can call him that) presented the bank teller with a check he wished to cash. The check was made out to him for $360,000,000,000.00. Yes, $360 billion.

The banker teller, being the genius that she is, excused herself to call the check holder. The check holder is the mother of Charlie's girlfriend. She denied giving him a check, let alone a check for $360 billion.

Charlie was arrested. When police searched him, they found 2 ounces of weed and a gun. He was charged with fraud and also faces charges for unlawfully carrying a weapon and possession of marijuana.

Charlie told the police his girlfriend's mother gave him the money to start a record label. Hmmm....he can call it Dumb Bitch Records!

Charlie should have been a little more realistic. He knew very well his girlfriend's mother was a few dollars short of $360 billion. He should have scratched out her name and written KING TUT. I guarantee you the bank would have cashed it.

Source