Archives

No, that's not Diablo Cody with Keanu Reeves. It's his sister, Kim. Kim and Keanu! Get it? Me neither.

Keanu was obviously forced to bathe, shave and put on clean shoes to the premiere of "Street Kings" last night in Los Angeles. His people didn't think it was appropriate for him to be stinking up his own premiere.

There's something false about a clean Keanu Reeves. He should have mud on his face or possibly a tumbleweed on his head. Something! I like my Keanu with a little dick Pâté and a lot of ass jelly. It's just my taste.

Here's some other people at last night's shindig. There's a little Chris Evans and a little Minnie Driver. She's knocked up. Remember?

Oprah's expose on puppy mills aired today and she dedicated the episode to her "one true love" Sophie. Oprah played a lovely montage video of Sophie her servants worked on. Oprah said she had not seen it yet, so you know what that means.......spidery tears! For serious! Her false eyelashes must be sealed with liquid nails.

I admit that I felt the intense urge to squeeze out a wet one from my beady eye, but it didn't happen. I did feel a little warmness in my chest, but that could have been from my Mexican lunch.

The one thing I realized after watching this touching tribute to Sophie is that I want a montage video of my own when I bite the big one! We all should have one. I can't count on the lazy whores in my life to put one together, so I'll do this myself. It will be set to Foreigner's Cold As Ice. That seems fitting and it might make my movements in the montage video look more graceful.

It looks like that little exchanging of the vows thing between Beyonce and Jay-Z is going down right now in NYC. Let's all join hands and try to look like we care. If you concentrate really hard on trying to push a fart out of your urethra, you can achieve the perfect "I care" look.

The Insider has pics of different shit like flowers going into a building in Tribeca. Everything is built around white and Roman numeral IV. You can't write this shit. This is some "Footballers Wives" type mess.

InTouch reports that it's Jay-Z personal pad. A source also claims they are marrying in France next month too. They said, “It’s going to be May 4 in France. They’re obsessed with the number four and call it their lucky number.”

The above picture is rumored to be Beyonce's bouquet. If this is any indication to what the wedding looks like, I can't wait for the other pictures. I really hope her dress is covered in rhinestones, baby teeth and Solange's white tears.

Jezebel posted the new airbrushed for days Heidiwood ad that's in May's Lucky Magazine. I'm pretty sure there are no limits in Heidiwood. The slut will do anything!

They majorly screwed up the tagline. It should read, "Welcome to Ca Ca Land."

Mimi is still ravaging London with her outrageous diva demands! In honor of this, The Daily Mail has done a rundown of Mimi's past and present crazy demands. Here's just some of them:

She has 11 bodyguards surround her table in restaurants, so people can't see her eat
She booked every penthouse in Claridge's hotel, so she can have ultimate privacy
She insisted they install a $20,000 gym next to her penthouse suite
She keeps 20 humidifiers around her bed
She won't wear flat shoes ever! She said, "My feet repel them."
She likes being carried around, because wearing high heels all the time hurts her feet
She doesn't have a Birthday, "Honestly, I don't even have birthdays. I call them anniversaries."
She will never use public transportation again, "I've already been on the bus I don't need to go back on the bus."
She insists her dogs travel by private plane or private car only

Strangely enough, I don't have a problem with any of this. If I was her, I would probably want all that shit to! Hell, I would travel everywhere in an oxygen tank, so I wouldn't have to breathe the same air as the rest of the peons around me. Mimi needs to step it up!

Here's Mimi doing the fart shimmy while signing autographs in London last night.

On last night's I Know My Kid's A Star, the natural beauty of the house, Rocky, decided she was going to cut her hair, so she won't outshine her daughter. In a scene that was very reminiscent of Legend of Billie Jean, Rocky cut her hair in the mirror unveiling a whole new woman. Not really, she still looked like she on the wrong Vh1 reality show. The woman belongs on Rock of Love.

Rocky came downstairs to show everybody her new look. That's when Gigi asked her if she "cut her weave." Rocky denied it, but that didn't stop Gigi from running upstairs and checking the trash can for discarded rat weave.. Gigi showed Rocky what she had found, but Rocky still denied it. Gigi felt triumphant, but looked like a raving idiot. Matlock she is not.

It was obviously a weave, but who gives pussy's ass?! Gigi is just jealous that she doesn't have Rocky's $2 beauty!

It pains me to do this, but I must bow my head and whisper a final farewell to Jordan. It seems just like yesterday, when I first fell in love with her plastic watermelons, apricot skin, gumball eyes and Barbie weave. Who is this Katie Price and what has she done with the sophisticated and elegant Jordan?

I look at her and I can't help but hear the song "Leave me alone" in my head. She looks like she just finished making a batch of Jesus Juice and feeding her pet chimp. Jacko in cheap bonzer is what she's become.

Hopefully Harvey will mistake her for a giant caramel swizzle stick and eat her whole.

Here's Katie Price, sigh, and her gay in shades out shopping in London.

Now's your chance. Push her! - Egotastic!

Squinty Zellweger is looking hot....from the neck down - Just Jared

Megan Fox giving you the finger - Hollywood Tuna

Avril Lavigne thinks Montreal is in Ontario - IDLYITW

Andy Baldwin and Marla Maples' posed beach candids (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

How Orlando met Miranda's parents - Popsugar

50 Cent wants his own son evicted - Hollywood Rag

Paris Hilton's non-human look-alikes - Cityrag

Jessica Simpson is out of the hospital and looks it - A Socialite's Life

Shakira's sex tape we never heard of was an April Fool's joke - Guanabee

ScarJo's debut album "Anywhere I Lay My Head" is due out May 20th. It's comprised mostly of Tom Waits cover with only one original song called "Song for Jo." It's going to give you an ear infection. You can probably count on that. This is the album cover and I'm disappointed.

All they needed to do was keep it simple and use a close-up shot of ScarJo's rack! That's where most men, women, children, animals and inanimate objects want to lay their head for the rest of eternity.

It looks like a glory hole in the woods.

David Blaine will try to go 13 days without sleeping in a bid to break the world record. The awe-inspiring Keith Richards has a little advice for David....don't do it!

Keith managed to stay awake for 9 days in the 1970s thanks to a party mix of narcotics. Keith ended up breaking his nose. I'm sure his nose was grateful for finally being put out of its coke snorting misery.

He said, "On the ninth day I was putting a tape into a tape deck. In 0.3 of a second I fell asleep and crashed headfirst into a JVC speaker, smashing my nose apart. I just lay there and let it bleed. It was a chemical thing."

Keith is lying. He never fell asleep. Zombies don't sleep.

Screw Blaine and his stupid stunts! The bitch doesn't have shit on Toilet Lady! If he really wanted to show off his skills, he would try to beat the world's toilet sitting record. It would be a win for all of us, because we wouldn't have to see his ass (literally) for at least 2 years.

Source: SFGate