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For once Lindsay Lohan is not looking like a 45-year-old divorcee working as a checkout girl at the Piggy Wiggly in Opelousas, LA. She actually looks like a solid 35-years-old here. She's looking better.

I even like her kindergarten road rug skirt. She's missing a "loading zone" sign on her crotch.

Here's Lindsay at a Paper Magazine luncheon in Los Angeles. She told People Magazine at the luncheon that she's ready to work again. "My life was distracted by certain things and that got in the way of work. But now I'm back on track and figuring out what's next."

When she said "figuring out what's next," she really meant "waiting for someone to give me a job."

I know how much you've missed Chrissy Crocker, so here he is in all his gorgeousness. No he's not working the streets....yet. Chrissy was on Robertson being filmed by his friend for something or another. The photographer was nice enough to give us a full on crotch shot. That's nothing. I've posted Chrissy's full monty before. I won't link to it, because it really destroyed a lot of people's lives.

Ok...if you say so! You don't have to beg. Click here to see Chrissy's crocker from last October. Try not to bust a nut.

Jessica Alba is currently in Paris promoting that piece of shit movie "The Eye." Jessica took to her MySpace blog to write about her new obsession with ham and cheese sandwiches from Paris.

She wrote:

"Every day I have eaten ham and cheese sandwiches, I can't get enough of them. Wish they had these back in the states, the bread is amazing. My tummy is getting bigger by the second and the little one must like the food too because it is moving and kicking like crazy. ITS THE BEST."

We don't have ham and cheese sandwiches here? She's probably talking about a special kind. Bitch go to Au Bon Pain! She probably won't know the different.

She totally doesn't think her "brown baby" kicking is the best. Lies. She probably gets pissed off and hits him back. Then somebody gives her a ham and cheese sandwich and she's all good again. Keep them ham sammies coming. It will shut her mouth up and make her fatter. For some reason I want Alba to get enormous! Goodyear blimp size.

Here's Alba at the premiere of her movie in Paris tonight. She looks mad. She's thinking of ham sandwiches!

In case you missed it: This is a video of Kobe Bryant accidentally throwing a towel at a lady's face on Sunday. He picked up a towel from the floor making another one fly through and land on the woman's face. I hope she puts that towel on eBay.

I laughed, but I'm immature.

Thanks Andres

Okay, I asked for Kelly Osbourne's ATM pin a while ago and nobody got it for me. I'm giving you a second chance with Jeremy Piven. Last thumbnail. Yeah, it's impossible. You know what's the worst part about going to the ATM? Every now and again there's always one bitch who does not stand behind the invisible line. Your supposed to give a bitch some space and sometimes I will get some heifer breathing down my ass. Why can't people just stand behind the invisible line?! That's what it's there for.

I'm done ranting. Here's Jeremy Piven at an ATM in NYC at 3 this morning. Weeeeeed money. I'm totally digging his insurance salesman ensemble.

Asshole Simpson was on Washington DC's Hot 99.5 Kane in the Morning show today and homegirl sounded out of it. She was either drunk, stoned or she was suffering from dick high. Asshole giggled the entire time and admitted she got a tattoo that morning. When they asked if it was a rose, she said, "No it's a peoooonieeeeee."

She also tried to explain her new song and she needed to be slap. She said, "The best line in the song is uh...you know...the come over line....uh...um...it's pretty genius...it's um...i'm not over it so come over...um....pretty genius....the girl kind of thing.....um....ehehehehehehe" Lay off the bong in the morning, Ass!

Her rep denies she was drunk and blames it on being tired, “Ashlee was absolutely not intoxicated this morning on Hot 99.5. She has been working extremely hard traveling across the country to promote her upcoming new album by performing at night and waking up very early the next day to do radio interviews in the morning - like any of us would be - she was simply just tired.”

I'm surprised he didn't blame it on acid reflux. Bitch isn't tired, she's just stupid.

Papa Joe needs to get her to lip-synch her interviews as well. She can't handle it.

Click here to listen if you want, but it's pretty annoying

Thanks Angela

Today, a judge in Los Angeles declared Dannielynn Hope the sole heir of Anna Nicole Smith's estate. Howard K. Stern filed papers last October to clarify Anna's 2001 will. He wanted to make sure DanniHope was the sole heir, because that was Anna's wish.

Howie's lawyer said, "We and Mr. Stern always believed that Anna Nicole never intended to disinherit her daughter. I'm pleased to say this chapter in the saga is closed."

A trust was also set up for DanniHope with Larry Birkhead and Howard serving as co-trustees. Gay lovers!

DanniHope could inherit millions upon millions from the fortune of her mother's late husband. That whole drama is still tied up in the courts.

How the hell is Howie going to get his hands on the money now? Good going Howie. He's probably thinking he's going to marry Danni in 17 years. Well, he probably is thinking about it.

I hope Danni inherits all that money from her mommy's husband and takes Larry to get his hair done. Those frosted highlights expired a long time ago. It's time to throw away the frost cap, Larry.

Source

John Mayer was partying at Butter in NYC last night when he surprised the paparazzi with food. Feeding the enema (typo that I'm keeping), I see. John ordered takeout for them and came out to pay for it. This bitch must have been stoned or drunk. If I was a pap, I wouldn't eat that crap. Anthrax! John probably wants them to do something for him. He probably wants them to only take shitty pictures of Jessica Simpson.

Speaking of, while John was sucking up to the paps, Jess was out to dinner across town with Tony Roma's. I know his name is Romo, but I always think of Tony Roma's ribs when I see his name. Jess was also escorted by some hot, orange pepaw.

White Oprah's reality TV masterpiece will debut this Summer on E! The show has tentatively been called "Living Lohan" and will follow White Oprah as she tries to make a star out of 14-year-old Ali Lohan. The other Lohan kids will also be featured, but White Oprah is the star. FINALLY! She is the real star of the family.

E! said, “The Lohans are one of the most intriguing families in the entertainment industry today. This is a family that knows how to roll with the punches and come out on top. Dina is an incredibly hard-working, passionate mom that I think our viewers will find both relatable and highly entertaining.”

Rolls with the punches? More like knows how to roll the blunts. I can't wait to follow the Lohan family as they get drunk, go fake tanning and....what else do they do?

Source: People

La Pequeña's competition didn't stand a chance against her tranny glamour. He-she won 46% of your votes and beat Lorielle New, Sgt. Caroline Mason, Susanna Sievinen and Ms.Krazy. La Pequeña needs to get off his ass and make more videos! I need to be entertained. Above is the original video that made me fall in love with her or him. I've already posted all the other ones.

Thanks to all who voted!