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Donatella Versace is one of those super vampires! They are the most dangerous kind. I didn't think it was possible for her skin to be exposed to natural sunlight, but I was wrong. She pulled herself out of her fabulous solid gold coffin to appear on the "Today" show this morning. On second thought, it could have been Hatchet-Face and I wouldn't have know the difference.

Someone needs to text Donatella to let her know that the coke nose is starting to droop. It's time to schedule another routine crank up.

Heather Mills will follow-up her acclaimed performance as crazed water attacker by being a judge on The Miss USA pageant. ExtraTV reports that Heather has been asked to judge the T&A show and she's accepted. The pageant will take place on April 11th in Las Vegas. Donny and Marie Osmond are set to co-host.

Heather is turning out to be one of the most disappointing gold diggers of all time. I thought Marla Maples sucked, but Heather is the worst. Doesn't this trick know that you're supposed to disappear after you win the money. Bitch needs to buy an island, buy a few slave midgets to carry her one-legged ass around and enjoy herself. Instead, she agrees to judge some 3rd rate pony show? Embarrassing!

I will be tuning in hoping that the audience boos her when pill-popping Marie introduces her.

P.S. - I'm watching American Idol right now and it's Beatles night AGAIN! Heather should have been a guest judge on this crap! She would have hated every single performance, "It's not you. It's the song!"

P.P.S. - That's an actual court sketch of Heather Mills pouring water over the head of Paul's lawyer. HIGH ART!

This is Wendy Ho and this bitch is hot. I can finally replace Heidi Montag's Higher with Wendy Ho's Bitch I Stole Yo Purse. Seriously, Higher is my fucking ringtone. I put that shit on as a joke, but it's not a joke when you're standing in line at the grocery store and that shit goes off. People look at me like they can't wait to jump my ass. I understand where they are coming from. Heidi is terrible. Anyway, here's Wendy's info:

Wendy Ho was raised in a trailer court, and overindulged with too many episodes of 227 and Good Times! However, this Nubian princess hasn’t always been black. After moving to NYC from Kansas City, she spent years on the streets of Harlem hustlin, hoin, and flowin.

Ho started writing songs about her experiences as a white trash girl gone ghetto ho in HarlemUSA. The Ho & Mo Show was widely acclaimed by audiences during her nine month residency at Therapy in NYC. Her very own monthly variety show, The Wendy Ho Show at Caroline’s on Broadway featured headliners Judy Gold and Susie Essman. She is currently developing and starring in her own one woman show, The Gospel According to Ho, which features music from her debut album of the same title. She will steal your purse, warn you about the dangers of flossing your teeth before giving head, and demand that “you feather Susan’s Loochey.” Her debut video, “Bitch I Stole Yo Purse,” is currently running on Logo’s NewNowNext.

"Bitch I Stole Yo Purse" is my shit. "I take yo purse and I take yo man too! I take him to a party and fuck him in the bathroom! While you're wondering where yo purse is at I'll be sucking your man's cock!" Fergie will be covering this song in 3 months. Trust!

Oh and the by the way...Wendy Ho isn't serious. It's comedy people! Check out her MySpace and listen to this shit!

Shia LaBeouf is a wanted douche so says TMZ. ShiShi has a warrant out for his arrest by Burbank police.

He received a ticket for unlawful smoking on February 18th after cops caught him smoking outside of a shop called Skybluepink. Shia was supposed to be in court this morning, but he and his lawyer didn't show up. A $1,000 bench warrant was issued.

Shia was busted last year for acting the fool at a Chicago Walgreens. The criminal charges were later dropped.

Getting his douche stars I see. If you're going to get busted at least make it hot! Busted for acting like a dick at Walgreens and smoking outside of a store? Leave that amateur shit to 11-year-olds! What's next? He's going to get arrested for drinking Boone's Farms at his local park?

Seriously though, getting a ticket for smoking on the street is the dumbest thing I've ever heard. I'm calling the FBI the next time I see that dumb bitch Katherine Heigl dropping ash on the street.

Earlier I posted a rumor that Halle Berry and hot sperm donor had name their baby Clara Stella Berry-Aubry. It ain't so! People has confirmed they named their angel Nahla Ariela Aubry.

The first thought I had was Nala from "The Lion King." Then I decided to do a little googling and it looks like they named her after The Northern Alberta Health Libraries Association. Ariela sounds like areola, but it could be worse! They could have named her after a fruit or after some dead movie star. I'd rather be named Lion King Nipples than Apple!

And just when I was conquering saying Clara Stella Berry-Aubry 25 times fast without mistakes. Damn them!

The National Enquirer (via Showbiz Spy) claims Daddy Spears does a panty check on Brit Brit before she leaves the house. Daddy is sick of the paps getting pictures of Brit's chocha hanging out, so he's been reduced to making sure it's covered.

A source said, “Jamie makes sure to ask Britney if she has underwear on before she goes out." He's not the only one. Brit's assistant also makes sure she's wearing a bra and panties, “Britney tries to ignore their requests, but her dad is adamant and insists she change if she’s falling out of her top.” The assistant needs to be written up, because Brit hardly ever wears a Bra.

Say it ain't so Daddy Spears. That's almost Papa Joe territory. Hopefully, he just asks her and doesn't do a finger check or anything. He also needs to add "weave check" to his list. Scratch that. She would never be able to leave the house if he did a weave check.

CROCS overload!!! I'll add this to my list of reasons why I will always hate Kelly Taylor. Not only did she steal Brenda's man, but now she's making her entire family wear Crocs?! This woman must be stopped. What a Crocs of shit!

Here's Jennie Garth with her hot husband and family in Redbook Magazine. They talk about how perfect and lovely they are. I believe it all. I mean her husband said, "Sometimes we're in a store together and I'll lose Jennie for a second, and then I'll see her out of the corner of my eye and she's just the most beautiful woman to me. And I say to myself, 'Oh, that's my wife, I'm so lucky.' Those moments just hit me — and they hit me often." Hit me with a hammer! I'm going to be sick.

It's so hard to hate Kelly Taylor, because she seems so damn nice.

Visit PageSix.com to read some of the interview if you care, but again it's just quotes on how wonderful their lives are. I need a drink.

The hardest working woman in Hollywood, Phoebe Price, was out again yesterday doing what she does best. Err....feel free to leave suggestions as what that is exactly.

Leave it to PP to not let any moment go to waste. While filling her car with gas at a 76 station she broke out into in an impromptu photoshoot. Kate Moss, if you're going to eat something then eat your heart out, because PP is gunning for your job. I'm sure these pictures will end up in Iraqi Vogue! Fo sho!

She also went shopping with her mother, Flora, and showed off her mention in this week's Harper's Bazaar. Ok, it was Life & Style. She was also in OK! Magazine this week. A double whammy week.

The first episode of the new of "The Bachelor" is always one of the greatest TV events of the year. The show gets boring after that, but the first episode is definitely the star. Last night was no exception. We met the bachelor who is some banker dude or something from England. Who really cares about him!

The rest of the night was more like "Whore's Got Talent" than a dating show. Some girls tried to impress him with their lame talents. One sang, one crushed a can with her mouth, one played the clarinet and one arm-wrestled him. Their talents were still no match for the greatest trick of the night....STACEY! Stacey was the 26-year-old graduate student from Chicago who got drunk as fuck. The words that came out of her mouth were amazing. There were so many great moments, so I've put it in a list! Lists are good. Here's my Top 10 (in no particular order) best moments from last night.

1. The entire existence of Stacey
2. Stacey giving her panties to the bachelor
3. Stacey saying she wants to discover a medicine that will cure something nobody has ever thought of before
4. Stacey passing out on a mattress in the bathroom
5. Erin bitching out Stacey while applying her lip gloss - She then places her lip gloss in her side boob after saying Stacey is not "classy"
6. Finding out Shayne is Lorenzo Lamas' daughter (unfortunately, Shauna Sand is not her mother)
7. Marshana showing up wearing a sari she made herself
8. Finding out the girls' ages, because most of them don't look a day under 40
9. Denise admitting she used to work for George Bush and Karl Rove (boner killer)
10. Amanda R and her chronic hiccups

The worst moment of the night came when Stacey was not given a rose. How can they do this? She is the star of the season! Think of what could have been. It breaks my heart.

Below is a video of Stacey's finest moments!

Fishy got a haircut - Just Jared

Remember when Jessica Alba used to be really hot? - Egotastic!

And here she is back to being MiserAlba - Popsugar

Bai Ling likes taking pictures of herself (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Heather Locklear is still alive - IDLYITW

Cheryl Tweedy's nipple slip save - Hollywood Tuna

Brit Brit loses all her toys - Hollywood Rag

Will Smith once again denies he's boarded the mothership - A Socialite's Life

Secret celebrity piercings - Cityrag

DMX doesn't know a Barack - Jezebel