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David Beckham still plays soccer for the L.A. Galaxy. I forget about that every now and again. Becks is seen here protecting his dick from a free kick during a game last night.

I think I found my calling. Why should Becks and the other dudes have to worry about protecting their own shit? I can do it. Their big head should be on the game while their little head is in my hand. I would be the best dick protector of all-time. I think I would go down in history. A hurricane, tornado and earthquake could hit at once and that dick would be as healthy as ever. Hell, Brit Brit Spears could attack me with an umbrella and I would still keep a gorilla's grip on that shit. And I would do it all with a smile! I need go down there and fill out an application STAT!

No fucking joke. I was just writing a post on how I was going to take bets on when Halle Berry was going to finally shoot her baby out. Well, baby came out today! Star Magazine reports that Halle gave birth to a baby girl this morning at Cedars-Sinai in Los Angeles. A source said, "Halle Berry had a 7lb 4 oz girl at 10:17am Sunday morning, March 16, at Cedars-Sinai Hospital in Los Angeles. The actress had checked into the hospital for the second time that day after feeling contractions earlier Saturday morning."

Halle's spokeswhore hasn't confirmed and we don't have a name yet. Halle seems traditional, so I'm not holding my breath for a crazy or unique name. That sucks, because the celebrity baby names have been really stale lately.

The source went on to say, "Halle was overcome with emotion when she finally held her little girl. She said everything she had gone through was worth that moment. The tears kept coming as Halle didn't even want the nurses to take her baby to clean her up and measure. It was a truly beautiful scene."

Ewww....baby jelly! I wonder what it tastes like? It's probably not bad on a little Melba toast. Ok, I'll move along. It is Sunday, so we shouldn't go there.

Congrats to Halle and her boy toy! Boy toy's work here is done. He was the best sperm donor ever.

In case you missed it! This is a clip from Celebrity Fit Club: Boot Camp of Toccara (America's Next Top Model) losing her shit! I thought she was going to rip off her weave and start punching some of those judges. I wish. This clip would also make a good drinking game. Take a shot every time someone says "have some class."

Dieting is a hell of a drug. After this shit fit, Toccara stormed into a 7-Eleven and devoured the entire candy bar section.

VIA ONTD

I didn't even know some of these people were still alive! MTV held a Real World Awards Bash last night in Hollywood and brought back some of the old relics from all 10,000 Real World seasons. Above is Eric Nies from the first Real World. I used to have the hardest crush on him and now he's looking like he lives under a bridge. Seeing all these pictures is like attending a high school reunion. Some people look exactly the same and some were definitely beaten down with the old stick.

Unfortunately, MTV could not get 5 of the hottest Real World bitches in history. I'm talking about Puck (San Francisco), Irene (Seattle), Tammy (Los Angeles), Flora (Miami) and Genesis (Boston). They probably couldn't get the time off from their day job at Wendy's.

Here's some of the people that did show. Let's be real, they only showed up for the drink tickets and baked potato bar. In case you don't recognize any of these sluts are, hover over their picture for their name and season.

Birthday: March 12, 1979
Age: 29
Birth Name: Pete Doherty

Original Date of HS of the Day: March 12, 2008
Claim to Fame: Pete Doherty is best known for being the world's famous crackhead. He was also in the band The Libertines and he's currently in Babyshambles. Oh and he used to date a chick named Kate Moss.

Where is he now? Probably snorting coke through his penis hole. No! Petey claims he's clean. Uh huh. He's also currently touring with his band and working on a reality TV show about youths addicted to heroin. He's a saint!

Why is he HS of the Week? There are too many reasons to list. Not only is he one of the hunkiest men in the world, but he's given us so many laughs. The story about him getting his cat addicted to crack? Hilarious! The story about him performing at a children's Birthday party? Insane! The fact that he's been arrested at least ten million times and has never been sent to prison makes him one of the hottest sluts around.

Jonah Hill made out with some hot pepaw during SNL's Digital Short last night. Jonah Hill kissing anybody makes my throat tight. The kissing scene was the only hilarious part of the short. A fat stoner making out with an old man is funny. If only SNL could've helped a bitch out and washed that image from my brain by making Andy Samberg swap spit with Bill Hader.

Before we get into it, the dude next to Guy Ritchie has amazing hair. I can't stop looking at it. There's enough Dep gel in there to fill a New Jersey swimming pool. I'm sure most NJ swimming pools are filled with Dep gel anyway, because those kids are the only ones using it.

Now to our story! The News of the World (contain your laughter) is reporting that Madonna and Guy Ritchie's marriage is over. Madonna wants to announce the split in 18 months. Why 18 months? Madonna needs time to work with her publicity team on how to handle the split. She also wants to devote time to promoting her new album. Control freak.

A source said, "Madonna and Guy are over. It's all very amicable. They've just fallen out of love with each other. They just think it's for the best as after some great years together they've been going their separate ways. Guy has failed to show up at events which are important to Madge. He just hasn't taken as much interest as he has previously in what she's doing."

The source went on to say that Madonna is planning to move to New York with her children. Guy will stay in London where he just bought a bar in Mayfair.

This is awful news. I was just starting to appreciate Madonna's horrific British accent! Maybe now Madonna can finally go lesbo and shack up with Justin Timberlake. They lurve each other in a bad way. I know they are eating each other's pussies, so now they can finally be together.

With all that being said, this is so not true. Madonna definitely made Guy sign his balls away in blood. He belongs to her....FOREVER!

Mimi performed on Saturday Night Live last night and by "performed" I mean she stood there and lip-synched. Don't get me wrong, this bitch is amazing to watch. She only performs from the waist up and her arms do not stop moving. It's like a lamb seizure. At first I thought she was performing sign language. Every time she mouthed "touch my body" she touched her body. Brilliant!

Mimi also performed some song called "Migrate." I hope that song migrates its ass off the final version of her new album, because it blows.

Source: ALi's Blog

I hope Scary Spice's next vacation is on her own private island after she rapes Eddie Murphy of all his "Shrek" money. He was just going to use that money on tranny hookers anyway. Scary better beef up her security though. Remember the tranny hooker that Eddie got caught with in '97? Poor bitch died a year later after she fell off a roof. Note to Scary: Stay on the ground floor.

Here's Scary vacaying in Miami with her creepy husband. What is with these chicks marrying skeezy ass men? He strikes me as one of those dudes that spends hours and hours on the computer while his chick is asleep. I'm speaking from experience. There's nothing worse than waking up to the simultaneous sounds of dick and keyboard strokes. I had this one boyfriend that loved internet porn. I think he was addicted. One time I woke up in the middle of the night and caught him jacking it to porn. He looked over at me, but didn't fucking stop. Can you believe this shit?! That motherfucker didn't even put down his dick to ask "Having trouble sleeping? Need some warm milk?" It was probably better that way, because his warm milk was the last thing I needed. Besides, that shit was curdled. Chunky jizz.

Mel Gibson and Britney Spears had dinner together last night. WTF is right! This is not an acid hallucination. And the dinner did not take place at Bellevue Aslyum. Hollywood.tv caught Britney looking like a million pesos entering the Russian restaurant Romanov last night. A few minutes later Mel Gibson entered. Britney came back out a couple of hours later followed by Mel.

OK! claims the two might have been hooked up by one of Brit's lawyers, Blair Berk. Blair represented Mel when he went on that drunken jew-hating rampage. Sources think that Mel wanted to give Britney a little advice. Crazy leading the crazy! A source said, "He understands what she's going through. And he certainly has advice on how to not let it destroy your life." I think I just choked on my borscht. The source also thinks that Mel might be trying to get Brit to attend his super-conservative church in Malibu.

I wonder if Mel Gibson called her sugar tits? I hope not, because Brit would bite off her tit if she thought it was made out of sugar.